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Original poster

Comment from my partner

108 replies

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:31

Hi,

I'd appreciate come perspective and I'm prepared to be told I'm in the wrong.

Today is the anniversary of my mothers death. She died unexpectedly at the age of 59 a few years ago. My dad has since died too and I'm also without siblings (my brother died a few years ago of cancer).

I mentioned it to my OH this morning when we woke up and we have gone about our day but I will admit I've been distracted. We've still done the shopping, had lunch together, he's tidying up the garage and I've been out to offer drinks and have stayed for an hour helping - maybe a bit useless at times.

After we'd had lunch (he made a nice salad), I'd sent him some links to a hobby he has which I thought would interest him (mentioning this as evidence I've not been sat crying in a corner). I've also cleaned the bathrooms, sorted all the recycling and done the laundry.

He then told me that he feels alone when "I'm like this" he said "he understands there's good reason and there always is but never the less he feels like he loses me and that he's on how own". I was a bit stunned to be honest and said I understand your point but can we not talk about it today when I'm feeling the loss of my mum so much. He said ok but he felt he should be allowed to tell me how he was feeling. I said that I felt guilty about grieving and I was finding today difficult enough to navigate without that added strain.

Things are now even more strained and the atmosphere between us is pretty bad.

Wise words please 🙏

OP posts:
AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 03/06/2023 16:32

Wow, he’s made your grief all about him.

How long have you been together? Is he like this at other times too?

I’m so sorry for your losses

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/06/2023 16:34

He's a bit of a knob, isn't he.

Randomusernamegenerated · 03/06/2023 16:35

He's clearly communicated to you how he feels and said he knows you can't help it. I'm failing to see the problem here, should he not say anything at all and end up sulking and you wondering what's wrong with him?

Neither of you are right or wrong here you both feel how you feel.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 16:37

I’m sorry for your losses. I think he should have brought this up at a different time to discuss when it wasn’t a significant date.

CurlyQueues · 03/06/2023 16:38

What's he like on your birthdays @scaredysquiggle ?

tailinthejam · 03/06/2023 16:40

Randomusernamegenerated · 03/06/2023 16:35

He's clearly communicated to you how he feels and said he knows you can't help it. I'm failing to see the problem here, should he not say anything at all and end up sulking and you wondering what's wrong with him?

Neither of you are right or wrong here you both feel how you feel.

Or of course he could stfu about himself, have some empathy and put someone else's feelings first on a day they are grieving.

Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:41

We've been together a few years. Both divorced.

Last year my birthday was excellent he took me out for the day and made it lots of fun. This year was terrible... I had a commitment on the morning so we had arranged to celebrate it the next day... when I got back from my volunteering commitment at lunchtime he was in a bad mood as he'd been doing chores which he resented. We argued and didn't celebrate my birthday at all really.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/06/2023 16:43

We've been together a few years

Isn't it after a couple of years when the real person feels comfortable enough to emerge?

Randomusernamegenerated · 03/06/2023 16:43

tailinthejam · 03/06/2023 16:40

Or of course he could stfu about himself, have some empathy and put someone else's feelings first on a day they are grieving.

Show quote history

He could but having lived with someone who was deep in grief for several years (almost double figures) it gets very very draining and can cause problems in a relationship. He's told her, briefly not a big song and dance by the way it reads, how he feels. It sounds like he's spent the day being empathetic towards the OP and had modified his day around her to accommodate her need for solitude.

Seas164 · 03/06/2023 16:44

He feels alone when you're feeling the loss of your mum? That's fine.

It's ok for you to tell him that you're going back to bed because you feel like shit, and the appropriate response from him would be, I'm so sorry, I know today is hard for you, is there anything you need from me?

Not your job to dance around with drinks and sandwiches and jokes and chat 365 days a year if you don't feel like it, he's a grown man and you're not his smiley face hostess.

Lamelie · 03/06/2023 16:44

Randomusernamegenerated · 03/06/2023 16:35

He's clearly communicated to you how he feels and said he knows you can't help it. I'm failing to see the problem here, should he not say anything at all and end up sulking and you wondering what's wrong with him?

Neither of you are right or wrong here you both feel how you feel.

There’s a middle ground between saying exactly what he feels and sulking. He should be looking after op and not making today all about him.
Flowers @scaredysquiggle

TUCKINGFYP0 · 03/06/2023 16:46

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:41

We've been together a few years. Both divorced.

Last year my birthday was excellent he took me out for the day and made it lots of fun. This year was terrible... I had a commitment on the morning so we had arranged to celebrate it the next day... when I got back from my volunteering commitment at lunchtime he was in a bad mood as he'd been doing chores which he resented. We argued and didn't celebrate my birthday at all really.

That’s not good is it . A bit of a pattern.

What he like the rest of the time ?

Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:49

Just to be clear I've shed one or two tears today and I'm not in a grief stricken state at all. Neither have I spent years grieving. I am melancholy on Mother's Day and Father's Day and the anniversary of their deaths. So I'm quiet and a bit withdrawn and possibly a bit distracted. I'm still functioning and able to have a conversation but a little in my own head. He asked me to cook tonight and I'm happy to do it as he wants to finish tidying the garage. I'm just now not feeling like I want to go out and help anymore as I feel sensitive about my perceived behaviour.

I don't want to brood or appear sulky but can't also pretend like I'm fine either. It's times like this when I feel the loss of my family even more as I wish I had them to chat things through with. Especially my mum.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/06/2023 16:49

So on two occasions that are about you (your birthday and the anniversary of your mother's death) he's getting a bit moody about 'how it makes him feel' - i.e he's not getting attention.

And there's nothing to suggest OP is 'deep in grief.' She's remembering a loved parent.

Randomusernamegenerated · 03/06/2023 16:49

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:41

We've been together a few years. Both divorced.

Last year my birthday was excellent he took me out for the day and made it lots of fun. This year was terrible... I had a commitment on the morning so we had arranged to celebrate it the next day... when I got back from my volunteering commitment at lunchtime he was in a bad mood as he'd been doing chores which he resented. We argued and didn't celebrate my birthday at all really.

What type of person is he? Is he a giver or a taker? Some people LOVE to make a fuss of a special day and feel put out if plans they wanted to do were interrupted for some reason. (So could he have wanted to spoil you but your volunteering meant a nice day turned into a normal one)

I'm trying to offer up an alternative view to things here sorry if I'm coming across as argumentative

Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:50

@TUCKINGFYP0 he can be a bit up and down when under pressure. Mostly very caring and thoughtful but on the odd occasion things like this happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:53

@Randomusernamegenerated

He had told me about his plan for my birthday and it wasn't anything that was booked or bookable. He gives and he takes in equal measure. Two weekends ago I paid for us to go away and had a full two days of activities organised. He's paying for us to go away next month.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/06/2023 16:54

Mostly very caring and thoughtful but on the odd occasion things like this happen

What sort of odd occasions, OP? I mean, it could be that he's not good with emotions like grief. Has he ever lost a loved one?

Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 17:02

I suppose occasion is the wrong word. It's not a rarity but not frequent either.

A few months ago we were out browsing bathroom tiles and I got an email to say my DD hadn't registered for afternoon classes at school. I texted her and got no reply and was checking my phone fairly regularly to see if school had emailed that she had turned up or to see if she had replied. He was bothered by this and suggested I go and do what I needed to to resolve the situation so we could carry on without distraction. I went outside but couldn't get hold of DD, or her Dad to see if he knew and I called the school to see if she had turned up. I rejoined him and apologised and said I'd been unable to find her and would need to keep on it.

He made some comment about me needing to compartmentalise and I asked him to stop. Things deteriorated from there and we had a significant disagreement.

DD turned up at about 4pm - she had been in school just not noticed in afternoon registration Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 17:03

I just want to thank everyone for weighing in so quickly. It's really helpful.

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 03/06/2023 17:04

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/06/2023 16:43

We've been together a few years

Isn't it after a couple of years when the real person feels comfortable enough to emerge?

This. 18 months after living together the mask starts to slip.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/06/2023 17:11

Does he have children? I don't, but I'd understand if I was out with someone in that situation and that they'd be distracted and think where their DD is a bit more important than looking at tiles.

Original poster
scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 17:13

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

Yes two. The same age as mine.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 03/06/2023 17:18

“He made some comment about me needing to compartmentalise and I asked him to stop.”

He wanted you to ‘compartmentalise’ that your teenage daughter had potentially gone awol because it was interfering with his afternoon? What a prick. I would be out of my mind with worry and he didn’t give a shiny shit… this is worse than the grief thing imo.

I think you need to reflect deeply and truthfully on this relationship op.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/06/2023 17:22

He wanted you to ‘compartmentalise’ that your teenage daughter had potentially gone awol because it was interfering with his afternoon?

What tiles to choose for the bathroom is pretty important, y'know. It does show his priorities, though; which wasn't OP's concern.

Dunno really, OP. You're clearly not happy about a few things, what do you think? IMO he does seem a bit focussed on your attention being on him.