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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Comment from my partner

108 replies

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:31

Hi,

I'd appreciate come perspective and I'm prepared to be told I'm in the wrong.

Today is the anniversary of my mothers death. She died unexpectedly at the age of 59 a few years ago. My dad has since died too and I'm also without siblings (my brother died a few years ago of cancer).

I mentioned it to my OH this morning when we woke up and we have gone about our day but I will admit I've been distracted. We've still done the shopping, had lunch together, he's tidying up the garage and I've been out to offer drinks and have stayed for an hour helping - maybe a bit useless at times.

After we'd had lunch (he made a nice salad), I'd sent him some links to a hobby he has which I thought would interest him (mentioning this as evidence I've not been sat crying in a corner). I've also cleaned the bathrooms, sorted all the recycling and done the laundry.

He then told me that he feels alone when "I'm like this" he said "he understands there's good reason and there always is but never the less he feels like he loses me and that he's on how own". I was a bit stunned to be honest and said I understand your point but can we not talk about it today when I'm feeling the loss of my mum so much. He said ok but he felt he should be allowed to tell me how he was feeling. I said that I felt guilty about grieving and I was finding today difficult enough to navigate without that added strain.

Things are now even more strained and the atmosphere between us is pretty bad.

Wise words please 🙏

OP posts:
CurlyQueues · 05/06/2023 10:08

@scaredysquiggle you could report that post and ask MNHQ to remove it.

All the best for all you have to do. I think @MrsDanversGlidesAgain 's idea is a good one.

You will become yourself again Flowers

fannygravel · 05/06/2023 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported.

scaredysquiggle · 05/06/2023 19:42

I've spent today in a weird state of not being in a daze for the first time in ages. Things are slotting into place in my mind as I realise just what's been so wrong. The scales are falling and I'm so ashamed of what I've put up with and how the most awful things seem normal.

I've always been a strong woman and tried to be a good example for my daughters and I'm aghast at how I've been slowly boiled In a pot without me noticing. I'm not feeling ready for tomorrow so I've asked to work from home for personal reasons - my DD is taking GCSE exams so they are assuming I need to be here for her I think. They've said it's fine. So here's to another 24 hours of space.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 05/06/2023 19:52

You still are a strong woman. Never doubt that Flowers

CurlyQueues · 06/06/2023 09:07

Do whatever you need to do @scaredysquiggle and please do not feel ashamed, although I understand. I'm a few years down the line but when I think of some of the things I endured I can hardly believe it myself - but we are groomed to do so. It's not us, it's them. It is their shame to carry.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/06/2023 09:57

Hi OP - you're standing back from the situation and seeing more clearly without this man distracting you and it's overwhelming you, so you're absolutely right to take time to process it. It took finding MN to make me realise some of the stuff my ex had done.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. You're acknowledging your feelings, taking a time out and supporting your daughter.

billy1966 · 06/06/2023 11:24

Well done OP.

He is a horror of a man.

So selfish.

Please stay strong and keep this awful man away from you and your children.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents and brother, I can well imagine the feeling of being distracted as you try to process it all on anniversaries.

You poor woman.

Keep that nasty twat away from your life.

He really is awful.

Keep him blocked.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/06/2023 12:41

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents and brother, I can well imagine the feeling of being distracted as you try to process it all on anniversaries

This is what is unforgivable (or would be for me). Grieving for a parent or sibling, trying to think of them and hold it together and then someone whines that they're not getting enough attention from you.

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