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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Comment from my partner

108 replies

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 16:31

Hi,

I'd appreciate come perspective and I'm prepared to be told I'm in the wrong.

Today is the anniversary of my mothers death. She died unexpectedly at the age of 59 a few years ago. My dad has since died too and I'm also without siblings (my brother died a few years ago of cancer).

I mentioned it to my OH this morning when we woke up and we have gone about our day but I will admit I've been distracted. We've still done the shopping, had lunch together, he's tidying up the garage and I've been out to offer drinks and have stayed for an hour helping - maybe a bit useless at times.

After we'd had lunch (he made a nice salad), I'd sent him some links to a hobby he has which I thought would interest him (mentioning this as evidence I've not been sat crying in a corner). I've also cleaned the bathrooms, sorted all the recycling and done the laundry.

He then told me that he feels alone when "I'm like this" he said "he understands there's good reason and there always is but never the less he feels like he loses me and that he's on how own". I was a bit stunned to be honest and said I understand your point but can we not talk about it today when I'm feeling the loss of my mum so much. He said ok but he felt he should be allowed to tell me how he was feeling. I said that I felt guilty about grieving and I was finding today difficult enough to navigate without that added strain.

Things are now even more strained and the atmosphere between us is pretty bad.

Wise words please 🙏

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 04/06/2023 04:48

I'm pretty sure you're now feeling exactly the same.

scaredysquiggle · 04/06/2023 05:22

@Mothership4two it's the same guy but I've swapped between partner and husband for privacy reasons and yes we've been together for two years. Prior to that I had been with my husband for 18 years but to maintain my anonymity as both my ex and my now new ex know I use this site. I do use my real life experiences but blur the time lines to preserve anonymity.

HTH

OP posts:
scaredysquiggle · 04/06/2023 05:24

@SuperbSummer2023

I was staying at his place - I have my own place with my kids. Which I will head to later once they are home.

OP posts:
scaredysquiggle · 04/06/2023 05:34

He's already called me today and asked to talk. I said that there's nothing to talk about. He made a comment about me "playing games". I've now blocked him.

I will leave this thread and thank everyone for there comments and support. I am hoping to stay strong and make this break permanent.

OP posts:
onlythe · 04/06/2023 06:29

He ended the relationship because you weren't there for him on the anniversary of your mums death. Then he calls and because you don't want to talk you are the one playing games! I think like pp's suggested he was going to 'allow' you back and expect you to be grateful and suitably changed. Stay strong.

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/06/2023 07:09

Well done OP.

It's never easy when a relationship ends but it sounds like this is the best ending.

All the best for the future. Flowers

Mumsanetta · 04/06/2023 08:40

Well done OP and totally understand why you might change details for anonymity - I do the same. Your DP has well and truly let his mask slip, if encouraged I can see his treatment of you inching towards abusive to better condition your response to him. Silently thank him for breaking up with you and don’t look back.

I hope you now have time and space to grieve your family on this difficult anniversary 💐

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 09:01

Your life will be better without him in it x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 09:02

I'm so pleased you do t live together - much lesss stressful x

piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 09:04

What a selfish, unsupportive thing to say. He's making your grief all about him. Does he often do this?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 09:09

Ps you were cleaning bathrooms and sorting recycling in his house on your weekend? And he thinks you weren't there for him? Who does he think he is!!!!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 09:12

If you're still reading OP - the 'playing games' is to put you in the wrong (again) for not centring him and giving him the attention he thinks he deserves, but you've probably worked that out already.

Newestname002 · 04/06/2023 10:21

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 19:52

He's just ended the relationship
As I wasn't there for him today. I'm currently packing my weekend bag and leaving

Thank goodness you are not bound to him by children or finances, OP. As hard as things are now, they could be so much worse. Take care of yourself - especially if he tries to come back in your life pretending repentance. Sending you strength. 🌹

misssunshine4040 · 04/06/2023 10:30

scaredysquiggle · 03/06/2023 19:52

He's just ended the relationship
As I wasn't there for him today. I'm currently packing my weekend bag and leaving

What a selfish individual. You have experienced a lot of loss and you have every right to express you Le emotions and feelings.
He has done you a favour let him go and you will be free of his uncaring ways.
He only wants you to care about him

FiddleLeaf · 04/06/2023 10:38

He’s undeniably selfish and it sounds like he’s showing his true colours.

Congratulations on being free from this toxic relationship.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/06/2023 11:00

You've dodged a bullet.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 11:01

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 09:12

If you're still reading OP - the 'playing games' is to put you in the wrong (again) for not centring him and giving him the attention he thinks he deserves, but you've probably worked that out already.

Agree

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 04/06/2023 11:27

A few weeks /months down the line you will wonder what you ever saw in him ime. Been away from my ex man child for 11 years. I cringe thinking about how daft I was to accept his attitude... Good luck op. You have dodged a bullet. And your dc will be more than fine too.

CurlyQueues · 04/06/2023 12:01

I don't know if you'll see this @scaredysquiggle but I wasn't surprised to see that he had ended the relationship yesterday. This was with the intention that every year, on the anniversary of your mother's death, he will be at the forefront of your mind.

Please look up grey rock in case he finds another way to contact you. But do what you can not to engage.

I'm sorry you've endured any of this Flowers

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 15:39

CurlyQueues · 04/06/2023 12:01

I don't know if you'll see this @scaredysquiggle but I wasn't surprised to see that he had ended the relationship yesterday. This was with the intention that every year, on the anniversary of your mother's death, he will be at the forefront of your mind.

Please look up grey rock in case he finds another way to contact you. But do what you can not to engage.

I'm sorry you've endured any of this Flowers

That also occurred to me, but OP can also frame it as 'another year I've been free or him.'

CurlyQueues · 04/06/2023 16:15

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 15:39

That also occurred to me, but OP can also frame it as 'another year I've been free or him.'

Definitely. I think raising a loving glass to her mum and a FY glass to dicky next year is the way forward. That will eventually just be the remembrance for her mum as the other one becomes more irrelevant and eventually forgotten.

perfectcolourfound · 04/06/2023 17:59

Well done for blocking him @scaredysquiggle

As soon as you said he'd ended the relationship I knew it would just be a tactic and he'd be back in touch. He's controlling and needs to be at the centre of your attention (how anyone can think you would focus on anything else when your daughter was missing!). Ending the relationshop was just an effort to scare you and bring you back in line, as you were showing signs of strength against him and seeing through him.

Stay strong. Don't cave. This is not a good man.

SuperbSummer2023 · 04/06/2023 23:35

@scaredysquiggle

im glad you have your own place (with your kids).

it may take a while for you to agree, but you will... you're better off without him. Why the living fuck did he need you to be 'there for him' on the anniversary if YOUR Mum's death??

self centred twat! You'll certainly remember the date you became free of this pathetic man child.

don't take him back
xx

scaredysquiggle · 05/06/2023 09:04

Thank you so much to everyone.

@CurlyQueues and @MrsDanversGlidesAgain
I'm reading up grey rock today and applying for a new job (we work for the same company). I've taken today as a sick day to get myself ready for tomorrow and having to go in.

On reflection I think I have been in a controlling and abusive relationship and I'm feeling a long way from the person I used to be.

Thanks to everyone for your help and support so far but I'd like to caution against anyone feeling the urge to compile a list of posts of a posters previous threads with dates because whilst yes my ex partner could have done the search for himself should he have gone trawling Mumsnet. Let's not hand it on a plate and make it easier for these controlling and abusive men to find us.

Thanks

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/06/2023 09:10

Hi OP, if you have an HR it might be worth having a quiet word. You've split, you're trying to move on, you're keeping him at arms length. Just in case he starts anything at work.