BF cancelling because ill and other issues

[thethuthinnang]

Hi all,

Grateful for your help with this slightly petty incident. Gentleness appreciated if possible - this sort of thing makes me feel very anxious/spiralling and I'm trying not to go crazy at bf or myself over a minor thing (hence posting here). Likely many typos - have gone to the park to get some air, so am on my mobile.

Trying to think of relevant context: we both live alone, 1 hr apart by public transport; have been together 1 year; woth work full time, partially wfh and usually spend 3/4 nights together a week; I have a cat, who I don't like to leave alone for more than 24 hours so he comes to mine slightly more often (cat is new since we first met); bf is not emotional but shows appreciation in other ways.

Final bit of context that is probably relevant even if I don't want it to be: he has never properly told me that he loves me and it's affected how secure I feel in the relationship. I said it once in person, maybe at 6 months, and he didn't reply. I eventually impulsively asked a month or so back, via text, and asked if he loved me. He took nearly 24 hours to reply 'yes', during which I was a mess. We've not talked about it, and I feel anxious even remembering it.

So, the incident:

I'm going to be away for a week from early next week, and this weekend is the last opportunity to see each other. Haven't seen each other in person since Monday.

On Wednesday we organised for him to come around mine on Friday after work. Plan was to take a train (closer from mine) to the countryside for the day on Saturday, nothing strenuous.

On Friday at 5pm, BF texted to say he was tired and going to stay at home. No apology or rearranging of plans. This morning, he announced that he felt 'a bit tired' still and 'thought' he had a sore throat and therefore needed to rest. So weekend plans cancelled. I asked if he actually wanted to see me (pathetic, but I am what I am) and he replied yes, but didn't want to make me ill. And claimed he'd been off sick on Friday.

I can't imagine cancelling plans with someone I really wanted to see over a slightly sore throat. Also why not tell me he was so sick on Friday morning if that's really the case? I feel that he's either hiding something or really can't be bothered to see me because of the distance.

I realise I'm likely being unreasonable on this occasion given that he's said ill and want to share with MN instead of arguing with him about it, so please don't be too mean! Also apologies for the length, but I hate dripfeeders too.

This

I really don't feel like I'm an unusually emotionally person, but the last two men I've seriously dated have had a massive problem with me (previous guy said 'I can't empathise with you' straight up, lol). I need to do some self reflection.

But I will say I am not offloading on him. I am very aware of that, and how unfair it is. That perhaps supports the incompatibility argument though.

A few things!
Have you ever had DBT? I ask because you mention self harming. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. DBT did absolute wonders for me in this regard.

One thing in DBT you're taught is to "check the facts" and not project reasons onto people's behaviours, when you can't possibly know. He may very well want to be sparing you getting a cold.

Secondly, 34 is too young to settle in a relationship that doesn't make you feel happy, secure and confident.

It doesn't sound like you are really happy together. Are you sure a relationship like this is good for you or is it simply a more attractive alternative to being by yourself (for a while?)?

I was offered DBT, vaguely, by an NHS therapist but it came to nothing due to borough boundary issues and I can't afford it privately. I did have psychotherapy on the NHS which helped a fair amount, but DBT is probably what I need. The calmharm app helps me most of the time.

I know 34 isn't old, but it is if you're starting a family from scratch. I divorced in my late 20s and am just fed up of dating. Equally, on apps I know I could find another useless man fairly quickly.

Sorry sounds like your a bit needy to me nice as you may be. Yes I would make the effort if someone's going away I agree with that bit but I wouldn't want to be with someone like you who seems to spend half there time stressing it's just annoying tbh. And the cat hmmm every considered it makes you not exactly look like your into him either its so easy to leave kitty with plenty of food water and litter tray

They need fresh food every 24 hours, I'm just responsible. 😊

Maybe it's worth trying again to access DBT via NHS? I know it's a long shot but it's so effective. That's good that you found psychotherapy helpful and have a useful app.

Pets are so important to some of us and I think the right man would be understanding of your need to balance dating/the relationship with taking care of your pet.

I completely get what you're saying about age... but I'm a couple of years older than you (36) and just wish I'd got out of my last relationship sooner. But like you, I thought it was last chance and I'd never meet anyone again.

In reality, being single is better than being in a relationship that brings more anxiety and stress than happiness and love. Also, I met a much nicer guy and also realised from my shitty experiences in the past I won't put up with someone who doesn't make me feel good anymore.

A decent bloke wouldn't want you to abandon your cat!

Also, I think for someone like you who is very sensitive, a man who is emotionally withdrawn/closed off is really difficult. Partly as his behaviour will always hurt you and partly because he really won't understand where you're coming from most of the time. And these misunderstandings tend to snowball and become bigger problems in relationships.

Wouldn't you like to be with someone who understood you better and made you feel loved?

Such wise words. What kind of qualities do you reckon would have a man who'd be a better fit for the OP?

💐

I'm not sure I agree that describing someone who self-harms as "sensitive" and an emotionally quieter bloke as "emotionally withdrawn/closed off" like one's good and one's bad is useful in this scenario

Back off. Find someone who cares and expresses it. Don't waste any more time on this guy.
Not because he wants to stay home alone when he feels sick, that's fine. Everything else sounds unbalanced and a road to nowhere.

@CovertImage

I didn't describe one as good and one as bad, those value judgements are your own.

I am offering the OP my thoughts, having had at least some similar experiences. I am sorry if that offends you.

Maybe he thinks you're not feeling it if you won't make the effort to go to his? A cat can be left with a cat feeder for 1 or 2 nights.
Maybe he does find you a bit challenging if you say you have already self harmed in this relationship?
You do sound desperate to stay with this man regardless of whether he is right for you or not.
Go on your holiday - send him a message eg " I'm off on Tuesday so let's catch up when I am back" and leave it there. If he doesn't respond then you know he is pulling back. Nothing you can do can make him want you if that is the case.