Guy i’m seeing thinks women can trap men

[Reallyl]

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 7 months, we’re serious together and have both been tested for STD’s because we wanted to stop using condoms. I have the coil.

We got into a discussion yesterday where he was saying he thought if men have sex without condoms, without checking if a woman is on contraception, she gets pregnant and keeps the baby, she has trapped him.

We recently had unprotected sex together, so I asked him if i fell pregnant and decided to keep the baby that was trapping him. He said yes most definitely, he argued that there I could have an abortion ( I’m pro choice, but having had a painful one in the past, emotionally and physically I would never again).

I feel really disappointed with him, he is essentially saying rather than wearing a condom he would rather me go through a procedure. I am on the coil but I told him no more unprotected sex from here on out. I thought he was a great guy but i am second guessing because accidents do happen

I saw a thread on here recently where the OP wanted to stop using hormonal contraception without telling her DP. She knew he didn’t want children but she wanted to get pregnant regardless of whether he stayed with her or not. Some posters agreed with her but others were horrified by the deceit. So yes, horrible, deceitful women like that exist. Most long term couples don’t use hormonal contraception and condoms. They use one or the other.

Also it’s hardly unprotected sex if you have the coil. It’s only unprotected if you’re on the pill but don’t take it properly or you’re not on anything and still forgo the condom.

I'm not sure why you and others continue to argue this point, that it 'can' happen.

Surely, as with any risk, you mitigate it by taking your own responsibility for your own contraception.

If OP randomly had the coil removed, she was unlikely to get pregnant if he still insisted on using condoms, taking his own responsibility alongside her.

And if she DID get pregnant, because they're not infallible, he STILL couldn't argue 'she trapped him' - because he was using his own precautions.

Short of her putting pins in the condom, if a man takes full responsibility for his own contraception, this bleating about 'trapping' men would be laughed at for the nonsense it is.

@Sparklfairy long term relationships are built on trust. The man trusts that his DP/DW is telling the truth. If she stops using hormonal contraception properly without telling her DP/DH then she is deceiving him. Most long term couples won’t use hormonal contraception and condoms. What’s the point in messing with your hormones only to use a condom anyway? If a woman truly accidentally fell pregnant whilst using contraception (which is rare if she was using it correctly) then that’s different.

OP is in a new relationship so maybe condoms should continue. It’s different if it’s a long term relationship.

why don't you set him free, that way no risk of him feeling trapped? and if someone is so afraid of "being trapped", they should remain celibate...

I’m with everyone else, this isn’t a contraceptive choices issue. This is a he is very clearly telling you that he’s a misogynistic idiot who views men as victims of evil women and you need to listen and leave issue.

He’s saying something so openly misogynistic this early in the relationship. Imagine what he’s not saying…

Definitely tell him that you’ve no intention of ‘trapping’ him and set him free to (hopefully) be alone with his horrible views on women.

I have some experience in this area as a man, and he’s being fucking ridiculous. I’ve lived through the experience of a woman consciously TRYING to trap me. My ex, following discussions on where I was unhappy in the relationship, consciously came off birth control. She fell pregnant, then it was all presented as a fait accompli.

I broke up with her on the spot, said I lacked the skills to make a relationship work with someone so fundamentally dishonest and manipulative. Said I’d show up and be the best damn father I could be, should she choose the keep the baby, but she and I were done.

I paid my child support, entered into a shared care arrangement (very nearly 50/50) until eventually the wheels fell off our co-parenting efforts, and now I have our son full time. Very sad it had to turn out this way, from my DC’s perspective, but she hasn’t trapped me in the least.

Perhaps the difference between the OP’s bloke and myself is I have always wanted children. I also accept the potential risk of any unprotected sex is pregnancy. Granted I would have much preferred to have done that within the context of a mutually loving and respectful partnership. However relationships like that are rare, not only do you have to be lucky enough to find someone who lives their values (ie honest), you also have to show up and put graft into the romance yourself.

We really can’t go tinkering with women’s reproductive rights, and I’m not saying that as some sort of blind pro-woman position either. Empirically any society that doesn’t have those is measurably worse across most metrics than those that do.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP he is basically telling you that if you were to become pregnant you are on your own.

Nice guy

1. This isn't a long term relationship
2. Any man that jumps to 'she trapped me' (rather than no contraception choice is 100% foolproof) doesn't trust his partner anyway?
3. As I said upthread, it's an awful lot of responsibility to put on the other person if you personally do not want children. Men that truly think they would be 'trapped' by a child - however long the relationship - need to be owning their own contraception. Not just pushing it over to the women and whining when they didn't do shit to stop a pregnancy.

This man is a misogynist who thinks he can make contraception your problem just to get his dick wet. He probably browses the "manosphere" online because they use this kind of "evil wimmins having babies to trap men into paying for them" rhetoric all the time.

If he doesn't want kids, he can keep his trousers zipped, use condoms, or get the snip.

Decent men understand that they risk fatherhood when they have sex, they should take their share of contraceptive responsibility, and your body is yours so you decide to abort or carry to term.

This is not a decent man. This is a misogynist. LTB.

Do a web search for something called "double dutch contraception". Using condoms and another method is commonplace and wise.

If not becoming a father is a high priority for a man, he is within his rights to insist on using a condom or femidom. He is also within his rights to make a second method used by the woman a condition of having sex. "Honey, I'm not willing to risk sex with just a condom, is there a method you would be willing to use as well?" is a legitimate request, as long as her answer is respected and he doesn't pester her.

Unprotected sex means sex without a barrier method. STIs are still a risk.

Don't tell him why, you will just train him in how not to scare off his next victim. These misogynists need to keep showing their true colours early and clearly so that other women don't get suckered in.

In the bin he goes. Byee! 🚩🚩🚩

Years ago I was in a relationship with a man who felt similarly, I had the copper coil and told him that if that failed I'd be continuing pregnancy.
He didn't want kids so assured me he'd be gone. I said that was absolutely fine, we both knew where we stood off the bat.

Luckily coil was pretty reliable!

(Not that I'm not pro choice BTW, it just isn't a choice I'd have made, I'm very grateful to have the choice)

Horrible deceitful women exist but are rare. Usually, if a woman says she's unintentionally pregnant, she telling the truth. If you think that a woman might try to "trap" you (because men running away leaving her with the baby and not paying child support never happens ) then do something to stop her from doing that.

Regardless of whether the pregnancy is through maternal deceit, if a man doesn't want to be a father, his current options are to abstain, use a condom to greatly reduce his risk, or get a vasectomy. That's biology for you.

No one is arguing that "If she stops using hormonal contraception properly without telling her DP/DH then she is deceiving him." We all agree with it

"If a woman truly accidentally fell pregnant whilst using contraception (which is rare if she was using it correctly) then that’s different."

Yes - its rare, but your tone implies that most of the 'rare' accidents are not accidents

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/
Rersible contraceptive (LARC) methods

You do not have to remember to take or use these methods. They have no user failure, so are not less effective with typical use.

Contraceptive implant: more than 99% effective with perfect use. They work for 3 years, but can be taken out earlier. Fewer than 1 in 100 women using the implant will get pregnant in a year.
Intrauterine system (IUS): more than 99% effective. An IUS normally works for 3 to 5 years depending on the type, but can be taken out earlier. Fewer than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant over the 3 to 5 years when using an IUS.
Intrauterine device (IUD): more than 99% effective. An IUD can stay in place for 5 or 10 years depending on the type but can be taken out at any time. Fewer than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year, depending on the type of IUD. Older types are less effective.Contraceptive injection

Contraceptive injection

Perfect use: more than 99% effective. Fewer than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year when using contraceptive injections regularly.
Typical use: around 94% effective. Around 6 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year.

The injection lasts for 8 or 13 weeks, depending on the type.Patch and ring

Contraceptive patch

Perfect use: more than 99% effective. Fewer than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year when using the contraceptive patch correctly.
Typical use: around 91% effective. Around 9 in 100 women who use the patch will get pregnant in a year.

Vaginal ring

Perfect use: more than 99% effective. Fewer than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year when using the vaginal ring correctly.
Typical use: around 91% effective. Around 9 in 100 women using the ring will get pregnant in a year.Contraceptive pill

Combined contraceptive pill

Perfect use: more than 99% effective. Fewer than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year when using the combined pill correctly.
Typical use: around 91% effective. Around 9 in 100 women using the combined pill will get pregnant in a year.

Progestogen-only pill

Perfect use: 99% effective. Around 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year when using the progestogen-only pill correctly.
Typical use: around 91% effective. Around 9 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year.Sterilisation (permanent contraception)
Female sterilisation: more than 99% effective. Around 1 in 200 women will become pregnant in their lifetime after being sterilised.
Male sterilisation or vasectomy: around 1 in 2,000 men can become fertile again in their lifetime after a vasectomy.Male and female condoms

Male condoms

Perfect use: 98% effective. This means that 2 in 100 women whose partners use a condom will get pregnant in a year.
Typical use: around 82% effective. This means around 18 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year.

Female condoms

Perfect use: 95% effective. About 5 in 100 women who use a female condom will get pregnant in a year.
Typical use: around 79% effective. Around 21 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year.Diaphragms and caps

Diaphragms and caps

Perfect use: 92 to 96% effective. Between 4 and 8 women in 100 who use a diaphragm or cap with spermicide will get pregnant in a year.
Typical use: around 71 to 88% effective. Between 12 and 29 women in 100 using a diaphragm or cap will get pregnant in a year.Natural family planning

Natural family planning

Perfect use: can be up to 99% effective if the natural family planning methods are followed precisely. These include monitoring cervical secretions and your basal body temperature. It's more effective if more than 1 method is used and it's taught by specialist teachers. Up to 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year when using this method perfectly.
Typical use: around 76% effective. Around 24 in 100 women using natural family planning will get pregnant in a year.Page last reviewed: 17 April 2020

If you think that a woman might try to "trap" you (because men running away leaving her with the baby and not paying child support never happens ) then do something to stop her from doing that.

This!!

@Sparklfairy This isn't a long term relationship

If you read my post properly (which you quoted) you would see that I said that this is a new relationship so condoms would be preferable. However, long term relationships are based on trust. That’s why men trust that their DP/DW is taking her hormonal contraception properly. There was a thread recently where the OP wanted to stop using the pill without telling her DP. She didn’t care if he left her as she just wanted a child. Lots of women said she was being deceitful but some women thought deceit is fine.

@Iyiyiiii I am a woman so I am very aware that no contraception is 100%. However, most ‘accidental’ pregnancies are because women don’t take their pill everyday. Women are less likely to fall pregnant when they have an implant/iud/injection, but accidents definitely happen when one of these fail eg it has moved.

@CoffeeBean5
However, most ‘accidental’ pregnancies are because women don’t take their pill everyday.

You got statistical evidence for that?

Maybe you should read the OP properly, because I have no idea how you banging on about a completely different thread is relevant to her situation.

How is any of this relevant to the OP having a coil?

And actually the statistics on unplanned/accidental pregnancies show that the main risk factors are:

lower educational attainment
younger age
smoking
substance misuse

And one of the causes is:

However, one third of women are unable to access contraception from their preferred source, and women who are already disadvantaged are less likely to access contraception and preconception care altogether.

Not just women not taking their pill every day.

So you can keep banging on about one thread and one woman, but this site often gets incels and mra's pretending to be women, so it might not even have been a woman in the first place, but its all entirely irrelevant to the OP who has a coil and therefore any pregnancy would be a genuine contraceptive failure which she cannot control.

He sounds absolutely awful.

He has told you clearly who he is.

Yet you are confused.

Why is the question.

So many women that end up with total arseholes, admit to ignoring the red flags that marked them out.

Me and my friends that didn't end up with arseholes, we didn't ignore the red glags that blew in our faces.

Be glad he was at least honest.

Up to you now to decide if an honest arsehole is all you deserve.

Being ‘serious together’ means being in life and all that it brings together. So you are not ‘serious together’, I’m afraid.