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Original poster

Pregnancy announcement

89 replies

Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 09:49

Happy to be told I’m being to sensitive or suggestions on how to handle this.

I have one DC and we have struggled with a second, a few miscarriages and one TFMR (I nearly died). Family don’t know the extent of the pain more that we had a miscarriage and left the details out. I really miss my babies and struggling right now.

SIL (DH side of the family) have announced baby number 5 in our family group chat. I didn’t respond.

I have been told by MIL not even 24hrs later that I need to respond to show them im not mad. My BIL /SIL have messaged the MIL to complain we didnt respond.

Im so upset, how have they made my grief about them. Why can’t they leave me be? I then get a message from SIL asking if im ok. No im not really ok as im struggling with my mental health and trying to come to terms with not having the family I pictured and some how I need to message you to make sure your emotions are ok?

History for context: BIL is pandered to my MIL, both SIL and BIL are self centred and don’t seem to have much social awareness (telling a cousin who would like children but can’t that she doesn’t understand being a parent), they always kick up a fuss and seem to make most things about them.

Am I being too sensitive? Suggestions on what I should do?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 02/06/2023 09:53

I have no children but completely understand how you're feeling. I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking losses.

Would a message like "I'm/we're really happy for you/them but feel overwhelmed with grief at the moment..." work for you?

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2023 09:55

Did dh respond to the announcement?

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2023 09:57

But did they message mil to complain or were they anxious that they have upset you? It would be more logical as sil followed up with a message checking in with you.

Readyplayerthr33 · 02/06/2023 10:01

They are allowed to share their happy news, and in families, you should respond when someone has happy news.

Your troubles are not their fault, and treating their wonderful news as something to ignore is very hurtful.

None of that takes away from the pain that you are feeling. It doesn’t make it any less. But it isn’t their fault, and they’ve done nothing wrong by announcing their pregnancy to their family and expecting it to at least be acknowledged.

As you say, you’ve hidden the extent of it from them so they don’t know the details. SiL still checked if you were OK.

Im sorry but you’re the one being a little bit unreasonable here.

WimpoleHat · 02/06/2023 10:03

I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through. But - kindly - I do think this is clouding your judgement here. I wouldn’t say they “announced” it; you have a family group chat and they put their news on there. Arguably (and I’ve heard it said on here before), that’s a respectful way to do it when they know there’s sensitivity as a) you can deal with your own emotions/reactions in private and b) you don’t hear by accident from anyone else. Did they “complain” that you didn’t respond or were they checking that you were okay?

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:03

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2023 09:55

Did dh respond to the announcement?

Yes but a day later. I think we just needed some time to process

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 02/06/2023 10:04

Im in a similar situation and I'd always congratulate someone else, kindly I'd say they're not making your grief about them but it seems like you're making their announcement about you. A quick congratulations would have done the job.

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:05

WimpoleHat · 02/06/2023 10:03

I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through. But - kindly - I do think this is clouding your judgement here. I wouldn’t say they “announced” it; you have a family group chat and they put their news on there. Arguably (and I’ve heard it said on here before), that’s a respectful way to do it when they know there’s sensitivity as a) you can deal with your own emotions/reactions in private and b) you don’t hear by accident from anyone else. Did they “complain” that you didn’t respond or were they checking that you were okay?

No 100% complained we hadn’t said anything and it wasn’t even 24hrs later.

We needed to tell them and I quote direct from MIL “that we aren’t mad at them”

OP posts:
Wineismybestfriend · 02/06/2023 10:05

As someone who had a miscarriage when my two best friends were pregnant, I understand this. I congratulated them, but shortly after I had to remove myself from the chat. Was too difficult.

xx

RedPandaFluff · 02/06/2023 10:06

As someone who has been in a very similar situation (except we didn't have any DC at the time) I would gently say that I totally understand how grief-stricken you are feeling, however, it's not fair to make their happy announcement about your grief. As PPs have said, they're allowed to be happy, they didn't ambush you with the news in person, and I have a feeling they might have been asking if you're okay rather than demanding a response.

You've said you're struggling with your mental health, which is to be expected after experiencing such sadness and trauma. Are you getting any support? I am very sorry you're going through this, it's incredibly difficult and does colour how you perceive other peoples actions Flowers

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:08

I just want the pain to stop, I was ok with the news but being forced to tell them I’m ok when I’m not really hurt. Im not doing very well mentally. I just want the pain to stop.

OP posts:
AuntieJune · 02/06/2023 10:08

You type 'congratulations!' then mute the thread for a while.

I can understand it's hard but it's not a zero-sum game, them having a baby doesn't impact your fertility.

VintedoreBay · 02/06/2023 10:09

Maybe it's time to say 'look, we are really happy for you don't get me wrong, but if my/our response is underwhelming it's because we've had our own difficulties that we are working through privately right now and don't want to go into with others. Congratulations again on your news'

Or something like that.

Maloneyb · 02/06/2023 10:09

I too have been in your position

i don’t think you’re being unreasonable however, I do think you should reach out, say congratulations and leave it at that.

I don’t think they will understand your grief but you can’t let them feel upset because of your grief either (that’s how I see it).
when I was miscarrying - every time- I had so much shit thrown at me by my inlaws. They made it hell. And then my friends and cousins were all announcing their pregnancies too. But they didn’t know. I couldn’t blame them or mistreat them for what I was going through. In fact I found some joy in their news, it helped me get through my grief.
be happy for others and your time will come.
it’s so hard I know, but you have to trust that you will have your happy outcome but you’ve got to try and ensure you’re mental and emotional state is looked after too.
so say congrats, and move on from the conversation.

hope you are doing ok and finding some peace somewhere along the way

Namechangeed · 02/06/2023 10:11

YANBU.

However, I would just send a very generic congratulations to keep the peace. Or even a congratulations gif which involves no thought.

Then I would distance myself from them for a while.

Hope you're okay, miscarriage is heartbreaking and sending you hugs x

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:11

My time won’t come, I’ve told we can’t have any more children

OP posts:
Maloneyb · 02/06/2023 10:11

And that’s fine too

just say congrats and let them moan about the other rubbish. You don’t have to be all over them like it sounds like they want!

Tinkerbyebye · 02/06/2023 10:12

So be honest, tell them the truth, you are not ok, you needed time to process it but congratulations

harsh as this may seem the world does not revolve around you and your pain. If you don’t tell them how you are feeling the assumption is you are ok, just be honest

VintedoreBay · 02/06/2023 10:12

Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:08

I just want the pain to stop, I was ok with the news but being forced to tell them I’m ok when I’m not really hurt. Im not doing very well mentally. I just want the pain to stop.

I've been in your shoes and it is so hard. 😢 Be kind to yourself.

Maloneyb · 02/06/2023 10:12

I’m so sorry 💔

SchoolShenanigans · 02/06/2023 10:12

People who haven't gone through it will never understand. They're ignorant to the pain and heartache.

I would just message back something generic "how amazing, congratulations! Can't wait for snuggles!", then ignore.

It's so hard, but not worth falling out over as they will just never understand.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/06/2023 10:14

Sorry you’re having a hard time Op- I’m not criticising but my not just sending a simply message you brought the attention to yourself which you clearly don’t want (understandably so). Just send a thumbs up and mute the chat.
fyi they are being incredibly unkind in how they approach you.

Holly60 · 02/06/2023 10:17

I think gently, you are really only seeing your own pain here.

Kindly, as much as they don't know your full story, you don't know theirs. You are just imagining that the arrival of a 5th child would be bliss (understandably in your circumstances) but of course life isn't like that and they will be having their own very real life struggles.

They maybe could really do with your support and maybe the complaint is really just a cry for that.

I think to a degree it will be helpful to be honest. Maybe something like 'we love you and will love this new baby, but just wanted to let you know we are struggling at the moment and very sad'

That way they can interpret your actions more accurately. Otherwise it's unfathomable why neither you or your husband wouldn't reply and does come across as hurtful.

Also your SIL checking in with you is perhaps clumsy but it does sound like it comes from the right place.

Everyone has their own struggles - SIL and BIL won't be perfect but it sounds like they are trying to do the right thing .

I'm so sorry for your pain - I wish you a fab future

Beseen22 · 02/06/2023 10:18

Generally I have a stock phrase for when I get pregnancy announcements, don't have to think about it and just say "oh congrats that's lovely news" and then move on with my day.

I have a kind of intrusive thought of bitterness and anger for people who can get pregnant easily and that can sustain a pregnancy. I hate that I feel that way and I'm hoping some day that will leave and I'm definitely working on it. It's pure jealousy. That being said I try to be a nice person and once that pang is over I'm ready to celebrate them and their baby but it's just so much easier to get a quick congrats out of the way and then process things in private and it doesn't become 'a thing'.

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:19

I feel so overwhelmed, the pain the heartache I just want it all to stop. I sometimes think that ending it all would be better than pain.

OP posts:
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