Pregnancy announcement

[Ballroom123]

Happy to be told I’m being to sensitive or suggestions on how to handle this.

I have one DC and we have struggled with a second, a few miscarriages and one TFMR (I nearly died). Family don’t know the extent of the pain more that we had a miscarriage and left the details out. I really miss my babies and struggling right now.

SIL (DH side of the family) have announced baby number 5 in our family group chat. I didn’t respond.

I have been told by MIL not even 24hrs later that I need to respond to show them im not mad. My BIL /SIL have messaged the MIL to complain we didnt respond.

Im so upset, how have they made my grief about them. Why can’t they leave me be? I then get a message from SIL asking if im ok. No im not really ok as im struggling with my mental health and trying to come to terms with not having the family I pictured and some how I need to message you to make sure your emotions are ok?

History for context: BIL is pandered to my MIL, both SIL and BIL are self centred and don’t seem to have much social awareness (telling a cousin who would like children but can’t that she doesn’t understand being a parent), they always kick up a fuss and seem to make most things about them.

Am I being too sensitive? Suggestions on what I should do?

Of course it’s going to be a baby. And I’m sure OP will adore her new niece/nephew, who will no doubt be a delightful addition to the family. But expecting a ticker-tap parade and congratulations from EVERYONE, even those who are broken, IMMEDIATELY, is pathetic and unnecessarily needy and thoughtless.

Imagine getting engaged and expecting immediate congratulations from someone whose husband just died. And having a strop when the congratulations only arrived 24 hours later.

I get that hearing the news reinforces your situation and makes you upset. However they need to tell you somehow and telling you via WhatsApp sounds more considerate than some potential other ways so I don’t think you can be mad at them (just the situation).
you should say congratulations. No response to that kind of news does seem inconsiderate.

YANBU.

BIL & SIL were insensitive to announce it that way.

I fairly recently was in a similar situation.
Been unable to conceive a 2nd for a few years. And pregnancy announcements are difficult. It's hard to feel happy for people when you wish it were you.

I also have a close relative who has never been able to have a child. Despite multiple rounds of IVF too.

When the time came to announce the pregnancy I contacted close relative first and let them know privately so they had time to get used to it before being bombarded by it when the rest of the family found out.

I did the same for the first pregnancy too.

OP isn’t objecting to the news being passed on via WhatsApp. She’s upset that just 24 hours later she’s been chastised for not sending congratulations quickly enough, despite being in enormous pain herself. It’s appears that SIL’s feelings are more important that OP’s, despite OP being the one who is suffering.

I would just answer honestly and talk about your grief to SIL.
No one can understand your feelings if you do not confide.
Your SIL asked how you are so just answer honestly.
You family loves you.

Thank you I’m so glad you get this! I’m sure after a few days I can respond with something sincere but right now I need to protect my mental health.

I would expect though that most people will respond pretty quickly to that sort of news. I am not sure that the sil is demanding a response here but maybe she has said to mil that the op didn’t respond so she is worried that she has upset them.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 nope she wants a response so she can go in with her life. It’s not about my feelings, it’s like hers trump mine. She doesn’t care about my feelings and is very self centred

Yo can still congratulate people despite feeling awful yourself. Having suffered infertility for years and had 3 miscarriages, I know that awful, almost physical pain when someone announces a pregnancy but I can also consider other’s feelings and congratulate them.

In the nicest possible way I wouldn't say they have made your grief about them, I would say you have made their pregnancy annoucement all about you

@Jobinterviewhelpme but why can’t I process this before responding? Why can’t they accept its hard news for me and just move along?

Ive been in their shoes and never expected friends or family who are grieving to reply. I don’t understand why they need me to reply. My DH has its his family not mine.

I am completely on your side OP. I have been in similar situations and you feelings have equal rights to the other persons. A simple congratulations will suffice and then extract yourself from the situation. Just because it is family doesn’t mean you have to engage with it or be forced to be happy and criticised for being a downer. If you feel healthier and happier having no contact about it then then that is just fine. Look after yourself first and foremost until a point where you can deal with it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling xx

She doesn’t know about your feelings. You’re obviously not close and you don’t like her and so you’ve chosen not to confide the extent of your upset about your losses, entirely understandably. She won’t have known how painful you’d find their news so while you feel them chasing you via MIL is rubbing salt in open wounds that’s unlikely to have been their intention.

I lost 5 babies before I managed to have one, it’s shit. But other people don’t get and stay pregnant to hurt you or anyone else, they’re just lucky and they’re allowed to be happy about it. I can’t begin to imagine the ease with which most people have their children and they can’t imagine how hard some of us find it. I agree with others that a quick congratulations wouldn’t have taken that much and then you mute the chat and howl into a pillow till the pain eases a bit. That ship has sailed so what are you going to do now?

The impression I get is that SIL is happy she’s pregnant again, pleased and excited, and the only little dark cloud in the sky is worrying that OP/DH will be upset about it. She wants to be able to reassure herself that that isn’t the case. That’ll then be the final piece of the jigsaw, and she can carry on being happy with her pregnancy.

OP’s unhappiness doesn’t fit with SIL’s plans, and she doesn’t like it. Hence wanting a swift reassurance that OP is not upset. Except OP obviously is upset, and needed a few days to get the strength to reply. Sadly she wasn’t permitted that few days, and was told off after just 24 hours. And that is what is unfair. It baffles me that some people can’t see it.

Well SIL clearly knows something of OP’s unhappiness, because otherwise why would she be wanting to make sure OP wasn’t angry with her?

And if OP/DH had gritted their teeth and sent “congratulations”, they’d probably have been accused of not being effusive enough!

Can people really not see that sometimes significant news takes a while to process and respond to? And being told off for not replying in the right way at the right time just adds insult to injury.

I’m so sorry for your losses and your struggles with conceiving a second child.
I am split on this as although I can understand your pain and think that SIL and BIL could of texted you privately first, I wouldn’t of personally ignored the message and would of texted congratulations and muted the chat.

I had a couple of miscarriages before finally having my DS. Some of my friends were pregnant at the same time and went on to have healthy babies whilst I was grieving my losses. I didn’t attend baby showers and it took me a while to see their babies for the first time. It is a horrible place to be in and every pregnancy announcement hurts.

I then went onto have my wonderful DS whilst other friends of mine were still struggling to have a child and I ended up being on the other side of things. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say or do. I also realised maybe I should have just congratulated my friends more and tried to be more happy for them at the time, but it is easier said than done when you’re struggling and grieving.

I would say you’re not being over sensitive at all. I would probably text SIL back and say you’re happy for them but struggling and grieving yourself so just found yesterdays announcement hard.

It is annoying that MIL messaged you though, think maybe SIL and BIL should of contacted you themselves

I think you should’ve just responded with a simple congratulations. Then all of this would’ve been avoided.

They can’t be blamed for having another child and they’d need to have announced it at some point and in a way it was more sensitive of them to do it via a message than make a big deal about it announcing at a family meal or event etc.

It took me a long time to conceive and I felt like everyone around me was falling pregnant but I always congratulated them despite my own troubles trying to get pregnant.

I see you’re hurting and I understand your feelings.

however your family don’t know the extent and if they have never experienced the pain you’re in, they may be brushing it off and not understanding your grief.

personally if I’d been you, I would have said ‘congratulations ♥️’ then muted the chat and done your processing.

your sadness shouldn’t take away their joy, just like their joy shouldn’t take away your sadness. All babies deserve to be celebrated regardless of how hard or easy the journey to have them has been.

I wouldn't worry about spoiling a pregnancy announcement, you haven't, and they've had 4 of these already.

You are grieving and its OK to pause before offering congratulations. How they announced wasn't bad, but getting your MIL to chase a response is.

Honestly I'd say you've had a lot on and congratulations and leave it at that.

I get it OP. I had two friends who produced 4 children each while I had none. It felt so unfair at the time though I have moved on now.

@RumandSpinach its 100% this I was ok with the announcement I was hoping quite well mentally even congratulated myself. I was busy at work so didn’t respond as I got called away. But then to be chased to respond so they could tick a box is what I’m upset about.

If you honestly feel like ending it all, then you need to see your GP. Is your DP in the group chat, could he have not responded to his sister's news? I agree that she can't do right for doing wrong, she's asked if you are ok and you haven't bothered responding to that either. She can't help you, she has no idea how it feels, so quite rightly she hasn't tried, plus four children do keep you busy.

Absolutely ridiculous. They care more about appearances than feelings. I'm so sorry

Read that back and think about what you wrote.
Firstly, SIL complained that OP hadn’t replied after 24 hours. She actually complained. That doesn’t just show lack of understanding, that shows wilful neglect of someone else’s feelings, to an extreme level.

Secondly, do you really think it’s appropriate to tell OP that life with 4 kids is busy, as a way of excising SIL’s behaviour? Really? That sounds a bit like telling a homeless person that it’s hard work cleaning all 20 rooms in your house. Or moaning to a starving person that you’re feeling a bit full after a 6 course dinner.

I’m so sorry OP 💕 those who haven’t “been there” will never understand. Be kind to yourself x