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Original poster

Pregnancy announcement

89 replies

Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 09:49

Happy to be told I’m being to sensitive or suggestions on how to handle this.

I have one DC and we have struggled with a second, a few miscarriages and one TFMR (I nearly died). Family don’t know the extent of the pain more that we had a miscarriage and left the details out. I really miss my babies and struggling right now.

SIL (DH side of the family) have announced baby number 5 in our family group chat. I didn’t respond.

I have been told by MIL not even 24hrs later that I need to respond to show them im not mad. My BIL /SIL have messaged the MIL to complain we didnt respond.

Im so upset, how have they made my grief about them. Why can’t they leave me be? I then get a message from SIL asking if im ok. No im not really ok as im struggling with my mental health and trying to come to terms with not having the family I pictured and some how I need to message you to make sure your emotions are ok?

History for context: BIL is pandered to my MIL, both SIL and BIL are self centred and don’t seem to have much social awareness (telling a cousin who would like children but can’t that she doesn’t understand being a parent), they always kick up a fuss and seem to make most things about them.

Am I being too sensitive? Suggestions on what I should do?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 02/06/2023 10:20

Kindly ... I think you just need to send a 'so happy to hear your news' - your SIL has asked you privately if you are OK so why don't you respond (privately) and let her know how you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that you can't have another DC - be honest but equally let her know you are happy for her.

There is no point in trying to 'compare' situations, women reading this thread who aren't able to have a child will find your views insensitive as you do have one child. People struggle in all sorts of situations and trying to say one sort of 'struggle' is worse than another (whatever you feel) isn't helpful ... sorry if that is clumsily put.

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:23

@Ragwort why did I have to respond within 24hrs, why couldn’t they have given me a few days to process? Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:24

@Ragwort she 100% doesn’t care about me, she never messages me and never makes an effort. It’s all about her why she’s asking, she doesn’t actually care about me

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/06/2023 10:25

They’re not in your pain OP- they won’t understand so don’t expect them to understand your time frames for processing.
I hope you are seeking help for what is clearly a very hard time for you.

Mummymn · 02/06/2023 10:26

As someone who has been on the other side of this it's a tricky one. When I fell pregnant I ended up feeling so guilty and didn't get the opportunity to enjoy the 'announcement' as everyone's stock response was oh your poor SIL I wonder how they will feel when they hear. Your SIL may have felt that by putting it on group chat it gave you chance to process it rather than face to face. I'd say just say congrats and you're happy for them.

I should also mention I had major traumatic stuff going on while another member of the family had some really happy news and i did exactly that. Big ssmiles and then in private sat and cried..

nhsometime · 02/06/2023 10:33

I think you could have written a quick "Congratulations", but equally I don't understand how people expect others to get all excited for them when they are on baby no 5.

I noticed people were less excited when I had my 2nd and I was okay with that.

I am sorry for your losses by the way ❤️💐

HoIIy · 02/06/2023 10:34

Are you getting support with how you're feeling op? Sorry if you've already mentioned that and I've missed it. I think it's definitely brought attention to yourselves by not answering, and then maybe they are panicking that they've upset you. From their point of view, I dont think there's any way they could have delivered the news without upsetting you. Be kind to yourself, a quick congratulations would have kept the attention away but it's done now.

WimpoleHat · 02/06/2023 10:35

We needed to tell them and I quote direct from MIL “that we aren’t mad at them”

To be fair, though, couldn’t the “direct from MIL” part be the problem? It sounds like they were concerned for you and that MIL expressed that concern poorly. It is hard - and it’s only human nature to feel how you do, I think. But the rational approach is probably the best one here. As a pp said, their news doesn’t affect your own chances of a future healthy pregnancy. If they weren’t able to have another, it wouldn’t actually help you come to terms with your own grief. Understandable that you feel a bit raw, so be kind to yourself - but make sure your grief doesn’t lead you to misinterpret the intentions of others. If you can manage it, a quick “congratulations” would be well received and might well take some of the angst out of the situation.

gemloving · 02/06/2023 10:36

First of all, I am very sorry for your losses.

I was in your SIL shoes, we didn't say anything for a long time but had to announce. and we did get a response which I felt like was really nice.

I actually did nothing on social media and shared 0 about my pregnancy verbally or even to other family members to protect my sister in law from pain, however my happiness shouldn't be your sadness and are two different things. Their happiness is not tied to your their grief and at the end of the day, this will never be the baby's fault.

LividTwunt · 02/06/2023 10:38

I’ve been there and also cannot have any more after my last loss took my last tube.

Ignore the SIL noise.

What you need is some help for you. Have you tried counselling? Can you speak to your GP or go private?

You sound like you’re in a very dark place and your priority needs to be your own mental health. What can you do (or not do) to help calm your whirling thoughts? Counselling helped me lots.

SallyWD · 02/06/2023 10:38

Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:08

I just want the pain to stop, I was ok with the news but being forced to tell them I’m ok when I’m not really hurt. Im not doing very well mentally. I just want the pain to stop.

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. But you're making their announcement about you. Your silence was a big statement in itself. I would have just said "Congratulations, great news" or something and left it at that.

SallyWD · 02/06/2023 10:40

Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:19

I feel so overwhelmed, the pain the heartache I just want it all to stop. I sometimes think that ending it all would be better than pain.

Oh OP, that's heartbreaking. Please speak to your doctor if you feel so low.

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 10:45

YANBU OP.
I think your SIL is being ridiculous. It’s not as if she’s been going through IVF and has finally got successfully pregnant. She’s got 4 kids ffs, and now she’s having a 5th. She clearly pops them out easily, it’s hardly worth mentioning, and certainly not worth having a hissy fit because her bereaved SIL doesn’t whoop with joy within 2 minutes of the announcement.

She needs to get over herself and have a bit more compassion, and realise it’s not all about her. She’s got what she wants - a massive family - and she knows you’re suffering. She’s being really unreasonable to expect you to jump in quickly to reassure her that you’re fine, so she can get on with her day and not think about you.

I went through loads of fertility treatment and a miscarriage, and hearing about people’s pregnancies was truly devastating to me. Luckily this was pre whatsapp groups. Your SIL needs to be more sensitive. Hopefully she might learn something from this.

Fandabedodgy · 02/06/2023 10:48

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I've been there.

But that's not their fault.

A quick congratulations message would have avoided all of this.

You are making their news about you

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 10:48

SallyWD · 02/06/2023 10:38

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. But you're making their announcement about you. Your silence was a big statement in itself. I would have just said "Congratulations, great news" or something and left it at that.

Show quote history

Why should OP have to do that immediately? If she was in hospital having surgery she wouldn’t be expected to reply straight away. Why is this any different? SIL just wanted to know they weren’t angry with her. She wanted reassurance that OP was OK. Why should OP rush to reassure her something that isn’t even true? SIL has chosen to have another child, that’s her choice, nothing to do with OP. And she has no right to expect OP to play the role she wants her to play. You can’t dictate other people’s feelings.

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 10:52

Fandabedodgy · 02/06/2023 10:48

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I've been there.

But that's not their fault.

A quick congratulations message would have avoided all of this.

You are making their news about you

No, SIL is the one making her news about OP. She is demanding immediate congratulations, and when it wasn’t forthcoming she made it into a drama.
SIL has decided that she wants a 5th child and she wants OP and OP’s DH to be happy about it. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t care if OP/DH aren’t feeling able to fulfil that role right now. She wants them to do it anyway.

Fandabedodgy · 02/06/2023 10:52

Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:19

I feel so overwhelmed, the pain the heartache I just want it all to stop. I sometimes think that ending it all would be better than pain.

You really need to call your GP for support

Ilovetea42 · 02/06/2023 10:53

I'm so sorry you've been through so much heartache op, it would make complete sense that you'd be struggling getting to grips with the trauma and loss you've been through. I think pps are right in that you need to focus on getting yourself the right support. Nothing will make the loss of your babies feel fine because it's not fine, but with time and support you can remember and love them without it being just so difficult as it is right now. Grief is something we grow around slowly and some moments or dates etc will be harder than others so it's important to get good support and learn what your ways to heal and be gentle with yourself are.

I think you need to just be honest with you sil about how you're feeling. A message saying congrats we are pleased for you and hope things go well. We need a bit of time at the moment too process but we'll be in touch when we're ready.

They'll understand and at least you've been true to your feelings and what you're going through right now. My guess is that they've been worried about telling you in the first place so they're over eager to get a reaction from you so they know things are OK between you. Could your dh message on your behalf so you don't need to?

Carryonkeepinggoing · 02/06/2023 10:53

’She clearly pops them out easily, it’s hardly worth mentioning’
@MumblesParty
This baby is going to be a person too. While I appreciate that watching women fall pregnant easily when you are going through infertility is often devastating, this is a horrible thing to say about someone’s baby and I hope it just stays as a uncharitable thought in your head and you wouldn’t say it to someone in real life.
OP, it’s fine to respond to questions honestly but in a way that shows you don’t want to engage further. So if SIL is asking if you’re ok and you feel under pressure to lie and say you are, you could say something like. ´These last few months have been extremely difficult and I’m not ready to talk about it yet’. And then don’t answer any follow up questions she might have. If she’s nosy/has poor social skills you might have to repeat the ´not ready to talk about it, sorry’ a few times.

Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:53

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 10:45

YANBU OP.
I think your SIL is being ridiculous. It’s not as if she’s been going through IVF and has finally got successfully pregnant. She’s got 4 kids ffs, and now she’s having a 5th. She clearly pops them out easily, it’s hardly worth mentioning, and certainly not worth having a hissy fit because her bereaved SIL doesn’t whoop with joy within 2 minutes of the announcement.

She needs to get over herself and have a bit more compassion, and realise it’s not all about her. She’s got what she wants - a massive family - and she knows you’re suffering. She’s being really unreasonable to expect you to jump in quickly to reassure her that you’re fine, so she can get on with her day and not think about you.

I went through loads of fertility treatment and a miscarriage, and hearing about people’s pregnancies was truly devastating to me. Luckily this was pre whatsapp groups. Your SIL needs to be more sensitive. Hopefully she might learn something from this.

@MumblesParty you have articulated my feelings well here! I have private messaged before and said you don’t have to respond but we are expecting knowing full well it’s going to be hard news for them to hear

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballroom123 · 02/06/2023 10:55

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 10:52

No, SIL is the one making her news about OP. She is demanding immediate congratulations, and when it wasn’t forthcoming she made it into a drama.
SIL has decided that she wants a 5th child and she wants OP and OP’s DH to be happy about it. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t care if OP/DH aren’t feeling able to fulfil that role right now. She wants them to do it anyway.

Show quote history

This with bells on! She doesn’t actually care about my feelings she wants to know I’m ok so she can crack on with her day never to message me ever again other than to send me pictures of her babies

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 02/06/2023 10:55

I'm sorry for your losses but is it possible that they messaged your MiL because they were worried they'd upset you as opposed to being annoyed you didn't respond.?

OhmygodDont · 02/06/2023 11:00

Gently a very quick. “Lovely news! Congratulations” then muting the chat for a week or so would have avoided the added now stress and drama.

Im sorry that you cannot have anymore children and that is heartbreaking news when you want more. Take time. Mute the chat.

TimesRwo · 02/06/2023 11:01

Them asking MIL if you’re mad at them isn’t necessarily selfish, especially as SIL followed with a message to you personally. I interpret that as them being worried that you’ve taken the news badly and are upset, rather than them being annoyed that you didn’t say anything.

I think you are understandably seeing everything in a negative light when it doesn’t need to be.

RudsyFarmer · 02/06/2023 11:02

I am the cantankerous old cow that would happily fall out with family over something like this. Your mental health is at such a low ebb you are mulling over suicide and your SIL wants effusive praise for falling pregnant with her fifth child?

if you can’t see there’s something very fucked up in this family dynamic let me be the one to point it out for you.