Pregnancy announcement

[Ballroom123]

Happy to be told I’m being to sensitive or suggestions on how to handle this.

I have one DC and we have struggled with a second, a few miscarriages and one TFMR (I nearly died). Family don’t know the extent of the pain more that we had a miscarriage and left the details out. I really miss my babies and struggling right now.

SIL (DH side of the family) have announced baby number 5 in our family group chat. I didn’t respond.

I have been told by MIL not even 24hrs later that I need to respond to show them im not mad. My BIL /SIL have messaged the MIL to complain we didnt respond.

Im so upset, how have they made my grief about them. Why can’t they leave me be? I then get a message from SIL asking if im ok. No im not really ok as im struggling with my mental health and trying to come to terms with not having the family I pictured and some how I need to message you to make sure your emotions are ok?

History for context: BIL is pandered to my MIL, both SIL and BIL are self centred and don’t seem to have much social awareness (telling a cousin who would like children but can’t that she doesn’t understand being a parent), they always kick up a fuss and seem to make most things about them.

Am I being too sensitive? Suggestions on what I should do?

Hi OP. We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters but because you've mentioned that you're feeling very low we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], or call them, any time, on 116 123.

We'd also urge you to take a look at the support available from The Miscarriage Association. They have a helpline available Monday to Friday 9am to 4pm - 01924 200 799 - and can put you in touch with a support volunteer.

We're going to move the thread over to the Relationships board shortly

I'm sorry OP.

(Weird in-law expectations are why I don't engage in the WhatsApp chat. I let my husband deal with it. You wouldn't be unreasonable to mute then ask for awhile. It's not your job to validate their choices.)

*mute the chat 🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree with this.
My suggestion wish well and be done with it.

I think in these situations you can always tell who has struggled with infertility and loss and who hasn’t. I fell pregnant with DC1 very easily and when I told a friend she burst into tears and told me they’d been TTC for years. I felt sad for her but couldn’t understand the strength of her reaction.

We then were TTC for 2 years for DC2 and had a terrible time with secondary infertility and it totally changed my perception. I found friend’s and SIL’s pregnancies in this time extremely difficult and it was only when I fell pregnant again that I realised how much of myself and my happiness I had lost to infertility.

I think you could ask DH to have a word with his family and explain what you have been through, that you are happy for them, but that it is very painful for you.

Of course it is good news for them to have another baby but it is heartbreaking for you and your reaction is totally normal and you should not feel guilty for this. If you haven’t been through infertility and loss you cannot understand the depths of sadness and despair it brings you too, however much of an empathetic and kind person you might be.

Sending you loads of love & strength

I'm so sorry OP, I know exactly how you feel. It took me three years to hear somebody else's pregnancy news after my stillborn, the pain was incredibly raw and you barely hold onto life . Please seek help for your your mental health as I can hear your pain through the screen ❤

DP needs to have strong words with his mother and tell her to leave you (and him) alone regarding this. She was out of order telling you what to do and how to feel.

OP - It sounds like your family and MiL in particular are being ridiculous. You can't demand someone acknowledges good news or try to rush along their feelings. If she is so happy about her baby, she should carry on being happy and just give you space and show a little grace. You haven't made it all about you at all, making it all about you would be making massive scene, blocking people etc. All you did was pause before responding. Hugs OP. 💐The intolerance of some women who have never suffered infertility is just bloody callous imo.

Totally agree with this advice above of how to word things...
Although from what's been mentioned about the tactless comment to a relative who can't conceive, it wouldn't be a shock if they don't really fully take on what your saying. I understand why you feel the way you do. Had infertility/IVF for 6 years and like you sometimes found it really painful. It wasn't that your mad or not happy for them, it just guts you and incites fear that maybe yours that statistic who won't get this. Take care of yourself. Your entitled to feel how you feel. Both of you. You probably won't get the understanding you need and deserve but lots in the same boat (good forums on health unlocked) will get you! Good luck with everything xxxx

OP I understand you. When you are going through grief (of any sort) watching people flash their life progress and happiness in front of you feels extremely personal and insensitive (whether or not it was intended to be). I am currently going through bereavement and I have been told 'there is no right way/should do/must' in grief. So you didn't feel up to sending slushy congratulations messages? That's ok. Your family should respect that and not put pressure on you. I am sure the couple will have received plenty of messages from other people to tide them over.

My story is different to yours but the sentiments are similar. I lost my beloved gran at the end of March. I watched her suffer awfully and eventually die (sadly in agony). 4 days later, my cousin (living overseas) was putting hen party picture on IG and flashing them about online. I did not acknowledge. I didn't acknowledge her wedding. The reason being, I was too torn up by our gran dying to care about such frivolity and saw her actions as a lack of respect. The day she was picking out outfits for a party, I was picking our gran an outfit to wear in her coffin. She send no message on the day of her funeral. So I didn't send one on the day of her wedding. I have been told I 'should have done', but I can't, and I won't. I stand by that decision. You stand by yours.

Love the perfect daughter you already have, seek solace in your stable marriage and one day, life will feel better. All the best.

I am so sorry to hear your are feeling so low. Are you able to seek some support from partner, friends or others who have been through the same?

We have been in the opposite situation. I was the SIL announcing to SIL who is struggling and it's probably been the thing I have worried over most during my pregnancy.

We thought so long and hard about how to do this with us much compassion as possible as ultimately we had to say at some point as surely then finding out accidentally would have been worse. I think in this situation whatever they would have done would have been difficult as ultimately it's the news that is upsetting x

It was really insensitive of them to complain that you hadn't replied. So sorry you're giving through so much, some people really can't fathom the pain of loss ❤️

This is why we told SIL privately about our pregnancy a week before anyone else, let her know when we would be announcing it to family. It gave her and her H time to get their heads around it without being blindsided.

We understood that it would upset her deeply, coming soon after a traumatic loss for her - but we also understood that it didn't mean that she wasn't happy for us.

I'm sorry for your losses, OP. I've DS but had a string of miscarriages afterwards and remember well what you are feeling now.

I also feel they should've sent you and DH a private message with the news before posting it to the group chat.

I don’t engage anymore either.
inlaws are a sticky situation as it is. Don’t need WhatsApp to add to it 🙃