Splitting up…who gets the house?

[Findinginnerpeace]

Hi,

I’m in a situation and not sure how to go about getting out.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We lived together in my HA flat from 2019 while we saved for a house. he gave his up and moved to my area. We had a baby in 2021. We bought a house last year. Paid way over what it was worth as I was so desperate to move with the baby and we felt like it was our only chance to get on the property ladder at the time. This house is very close to my mums house so ideal for childcare help which was part of the reason.

Since we bought the house, he’s been like a different person and not a nice one. I had to return to uni last august to finish my degree. I was doing a full time placement, as well as full time uni, assignments, reading etc. He was supposed to step up and support me by taking on a bit more of the child related stuff (after work) and the home stuff. Needless to say, this didn’t happen. There’s a lot to it that I won’t go into but as a result of his behaviour since we bought the house, I no longer have any feelings for him and don’t want to be with him any longer.

The problem is, I don’t know where to start with separating. The mortgage is in both our names, we both saved for the deposit although it was in a savings account in his name but nothing was ringfenced, I’m primary carer for baby and will be starting a professional job soon on a not bad salary. I could probably get a mortgage alone but I don’t have a deposit.

There’s very little equity in the house as we’ve literally only been paying since March 2022. And we’re on a fixed rate till 2027 so if we sold we’d have to pay early settlement fees as well as estate agents lawyers etc. I don’t think we would make any money out of it whatsoever.

What do I do in this situation?

You need to get proper legal advice asap, both for the house and child maintenance/contact. You might be able to keep the house but need to engage a solicitor. It will be worth the expense in the long run.

Find out if you could get a mortgage for the full outstanding amount in your name only.

Then get a settlement figure for the current mortgage, penalties and all.

Then get the property valued. Deduct the outstanding mortgage from it and roughly 3% for sale costs. This will give you an idea of the equity, if any.

If the deposit wasn’t ring-fenced then the basic principle is that one could buy the other out for 50% of the equity.

The sticking point will be if each of you wants to buy the other out. Cheaper option then is to sell, rather than fight it out in court to get a Judge to decide, especially if there isn’t much equity.

Thank you.

So the last valuation was £120k, we still owe over £104k. We paid way over the £120k for it anyway which was stupid but we were desperate. House prices here have now stagnated and houses are languishing on Rightmove for months again before selling.

I did speak to my mortgage advisor who said my best route would be just to get bf to agree to port the mortgage over to me but I know he wouldn’t just give me the house.

I’ve tried to explain that we wouldn’t make any money if it sold or even if I tried to buy him out as there’s not much equity but he either doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to understand.

Sorry to be specific, there’s literally only been about 6800 pounds paid to the mortgage so far.

I'm a bit confused. Why would your bf just port the mortgage over to you? Even if the house price has stagnated at the moment, it'll go up again in the future.

Would it make more sense to sign it over to your ex and start again with a rental/ha property? You might be able to ringfence a % based on your contributions to the deposit. You need to decide what you wand get some legal advice to see if it's possible

How is the property owned? Joint tenants or tenants in common.

Deposit not ringfenced ?

Can you afford to give partner say 50% of the difference between value and what's owed? And then take on mortgage alone?

Or sell, divide anything left after costs etc and start again.

The house prices won’t in this area. Historically they’ve never reached more than what my house was valued at and that was during the high of Covid. It’s an ex council property, in a deprived area. Mortgage advisor felt this was a better option to save hassle and penalties. I did offer bf his half of the deposit to leave but he declined at that time.

It doesn’t make sense for him to stay given the fact that the house is literally next door to my mum, his family (although he doesn’t talk to them much, live about 20 minutes away).

I did say that he could keep the “family” home and be primary carer for our baby and I would find somewhere to rent (although rental properties are like hens teeth round here just now) but he wasn’t agreeable to this.

I could probably find the money to give him half of the difference between the value and what’s still owed which is just over £15000 but I doubt he would accept that either. It would probably be more than we would be left with if we actually sold right enough.

Did he ever actually want to buy this house? It sounds like you knew you were paying over the odds, but you drove the purchase because you wanted to be near your parents for childcare.

I'm just trying to understand the situation, but it seems he could be trying to make life difficult because he was never that keen to buy the house in the first place.

I'm not an expert but I would guess if you can't come to an agreement the only answer is to sell up and then you're both in effect starting over again.

If he's putting up obstacles then I really think you would be better of selling the house and starting afresh.

Probably the best thing you could both do is to agree to keep the house until the current mortgage ends. Then sell and split the equity. By then prices may have rises and you will have paid off more capital.

But whoever lives in it will have to pay the full mortgage if they are occupying the other persons half of the house. As hard as it is to accept this arrangement it is fair. It lets you both walk away with something.

it would be a stroke of luck for him to leave you with his share of the equity. I can’t see him doing it. If you cannot agree just sell and take the hit as a lesson learned.

He wanted a house so that his older child could have their own room. The original plan was to move to his area but when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, the plan changed. I probably did drive the purchase a bit but he took absolutely nothing to do with arranging the mortgage, looking for houses, researching prices, arranging viewings etc. Even when we were looking in his area, it was all left to me.

I didn’t want to buy as close to my mum but the person selling knew us and picked us over other buyers at a time when houses were going for 20% over the asking price so we jumped on it.

I’m thankful that we did buy here as he has been no help whatsoever when I developed PND and then had to return to uni. If we had stuck with the original plan, I would have been up shit creek to put it plainly.

I would never expect him to leave with nothing, but there’s no equity right now. I would happily pay the full mortgage and either sell in the future and spilt the money or give him his half of the deposit and he could start again back in his area right now.

Sorry, the porting thing was discussed because I knew quite soon after buying that I’d made a big mistake buying a house with him, I think it was when only 2 months payments had been made. So no one was out much money at that point and I had offered him his half of the deposit to leave.

I know I’ve really stuck my head in the sand about this. I’ve tried multiple times to broach the conversation with all the different options but when my life became too busy with uni, placement, the baby and a terminal family member, I just continued the status quo hoping things would get better. I thought the problem was me and my stress but now I’m out of it, I can see that he’s not a good partner or father and I definitely can’t see anything salvageable with our relationship.

Offer him his half of the deposit & half profit if any to date.
If he says no. He's a twat. You have a little baby:

Get a lawyer & get cms started. Seperate all finances right now.
Do nothing for him.
Live like flatmates.
Don't engage with him & his older child. (I don't mean don't say hello, but don't play happy families)
Don't do housework or anything else for him. Laundry etc.

If you can't agree then selling, splitting and starting again seems the best option.

It sounds as though selling up and both starting over again is the way forward. Why would that be such a bad thing? You said yourself the house isn't in a great area and you would prefer to be a bit further from your parents. There's nothing to be salvaged and you can cover your costs; it's not like you've got the nightmare of negative equity. The problem is really that you haven't made money, which I get is frustrating but given you only bought recently and haven't paid much off the mortgage, that the reality

It’s slightly more complicated than just selling and not making money. We owe about £8000 to a family friend who loaned us the money to make the necessary improvements to get the house liveable before we moved in (it was an absolute shit hole that we only discovered once we’d got the keys and had a good look around, nothing flagged up on HR, just apparently needed redecoration). Again, I know this was stupid but we were desperate, I was ill and had a small baby and needed support and this seemed like the best way forward at the time.

My family were also very kind and have paid for things for the house to make it safe and livable for us.

I would be in a worse financial position than him if we split and sold as I know he wouldn’t pay CM. It’s taken me till baby is almost 2 to get him to contribute anything to their ongoing costs. I have nursery fees to pay as well which he has only paid one payment to so far since last August.

I also don’t think he would stick to a contact agreement given how little he interacts with baby now.

I realise I sound very stupid and I know I have been but when we got together, I would never have imagined him turning out the way he has. He was one of the good ones.

Wow, I'm surprised it was mortgageable if you had to spend £8000 just to make it liveable.

Really though it's sounding more and more like you just need a fresh start. Sell up, repay the money to your family friend and both go your separate ways.

Re: CM- pursue this through the proper channels. You can't force him to have a relationship with his child but he damn well needs to pay his share.

Op

what does he want to do? Live in the house with you but not in a relationship?

does he pay half the mortgage now? Bills?

does he work?

he sounds vile

He wants to “rekindle” our love apparently. But doesn’t have the self awareness to realise that he could have kept the fires burning while I was studying by supporting me and stepping up and not acting the way he has for the past year.

He would gladly live there while we’re not together. He slept on his ex-wife’s couch for a year even though he had savings and a well paying job to afford a privately rented flat. He only moved out when she viewed a flat for him and signed for it with his agreement.

He does have a job, he is paid fairly well and has paid towards the mortgage and bills. But doesn’t contribute to the baby or food or anything, unless it’s for himself.

In hindsight, there were red flags from the beginning but he convinced me he’d been dealt a bad hand in his marriage but the more he acts the way he’s been acting, I suspect his behaviour was why his marriage ended and not due to his ex-wife’s cheating. I have been guilty of falling in love with potential and not the man he actually has shown me recently he is.

The more you write, the clearer it sounds that this should not be about 'who gets the house,' but about selling up and moving on. He sounds awful. You can't force him into signing the house over to you, or into building a relationship with his child. You certainly can and should pursue CM. Sell the house, pay back the money to your friend and start afresh

Can’t see how you will get a mortgage when not working, they won’t consider that you might be able to get a good job soon, especially with a child in the mix too as they will take that into consideration as well.