Splitting up…who gets the house?

[Findinginnerpeace]

Hi,

I’m in a situation and not sure how to go about getting out.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We lived together in my HA flat from 2019 while we saved for a house. he gave his up and moved to my area. We had a baby in 2021. We bought a house last year. Paid way over what it was worth as I was so desperate to move with the baby and we felt like it was our only chance to get on the property ladder at the time. This house is very close to my mums house so ideal for childcare help which was part of the reason.

Since we bought the house, he’s been like a different person and not a nice one. I had to return to uni last august to finish my degree. I was doing a full time placement, as well as full time uni, assignments, reading etc. He was supposed to step up and support me by taking on a bit more of the child related stuff (after work) and the home stuff. Needless to say, this didn’t happen. There’s a lot to it that I won’t go into but as a result of his behaviour since we bought the house, I no longer have any feelings for him and don’t want to be with him any longer.

The problem is, I don’t know where to start with separating. The mortgage is in both our names, we both saved for the deposit although it was in a savings account in his name but nothing was ringfenced, I’m primary carer for baby and will be starting a professional job soon on a not bad salary. I could probably get a mortgage alone but I don’t have a deposit.

There’s very little equity in the house as we’ve literally only been paying since March 2022. And we’re on a fixed rate till 2027 so if we sold we’d have to pay early settlement fees as well as estate agents lawyers etc. I don’t think we would make any money out of it whatsoever.

What do I do in this situation?

*carer

@FelicityFeatherstone Because he was adamant that it is HIS house. So I said, we bought it as a family home. You can raise the family in it i.e be main carer for baby and deal with everything to do with older child and I will find somewhere to rent and have contact at certain times. Flipped the situation on him. Needless to say, the response was oh no no, I can’t do that, I’ve got my job. I can’t do nursery drop offs or pick ups every day. I can’t do all the child related shit and still go to my work every day.

But he expects me to.

Your calculations are spot on. Other options to consider offering:

One option is to offer him a 1% share in the house (£1,200) and port the mortgage to you, and then you change deeds to tenants in common with you having 99% share and him 1% share.

Then if he pays off half the £8k debt to the family friend, after proof of payment then you’d increase his share in the house to 4.5%.

If he pays off all the £8k debt to family friend, then you’d increase his share in the house to 8%…

But you’re only doing the tenants in common paperwork and fees ONCE so he needs to decide which option and pay for it sharpish.

He obviously would not live in the house with you and baby. The options are just so he’d have an investment in a property, and if he dies your baby would inherit his share of the house 😉

I know my ex changed when he started having an affair. He was the love of my life once. Now we barely speak. I've remarried, and his affair ended and he wanted to come back and I said no. Now he sulks and he's lost his eldest son because whenever DC went to visit him he would spend the whole day slagging me off. Eventually after arguing about it several times my eldest son who was 17 at the time refused to go any more. Now my ex is on his own, and moans why should our 3 children who are all grown up now, come to visit me so much and not him? He hates my new DH who I didn't even meet until well after I divorced exh. He's lost his bf from school who won't speak to him anymore because he was so horrible to me and DC whilst going through the divorce. I think he is probably a bit depressed, he doesn't go out anymore. I think he's brought it all on himself and can't be bothered with him. Occasionally mutual friends will tell me they think he is depressed but I tell them it's no longer my business and change the subject.

He wanted you trapped didn't he? 🤮

@RandomMess I wouldn’t have said so when we were discussing the possibility of having a baby. But, since having the baby he has shown not previously seen misogynistic tendencies and made statements that wouldn’t be out of place said by a 1950’s husband. Would genuinely never have thought that either as he always seemed quite pleased that I had my own money and was ambitious in pursuing my degree. The last year, I’ve felt at times he’s been actively trying to sabotage me achieving my qualification. Thankfully my family are amazing and have really stepped in and mitigated any negative consequences from the shitshow that is my relationship.

Honestly I can tell you now for the sums involved if you want to take it to court don't bother hiring a solicitor. As you are not in a DV situation you won't get any financial help, it will take about a year if not longer these days and a solicitor costs about £400 an hour and charge you £25 for reading an email and £25 for a one word reply. It's crap but better get out now that have it further complicated by being more financially invested.
You need to get him to leave or you leave, the sums of money you are talking about are negligible in the long-term.

@HadalyEve Amazing info, that actually sounds like a good shout, thank you for that. I’ll be sure to consider every single option before making any final decision though.

@caringcarer Recently, I felt this might be the case as well and when I realised I didn’t care if he was, I knew I was ready to make the hard decision to spilt properly. I believe he is going to end up completely alone in life, it’s very sad.

Legal cover via insurance is a con, they will do anything to get out of it being used, you have to spend thousands getting things that they say they need, and are not covered by the insurance, then still try to back out of it, also takes months of phone calls , emails etc. Can’t see how legal cover will do anything to get someone who part owns a house to leave either!

@Blahdeblahaha I don’t want to take it to court at all. I’ve tried to explain that there is no equity and if we had to sell, it’s quite possible we would actually owe the bank money given how the prices have fallen round here. I just want to get proper legal advice before I proceed with anything properly. I defo won’t be instructing a solicitor to be sending letters or anything.

The thing about it is, he literally has nowhere else to go. I could move in with my mum if I really needed to. Or my auntie. He burned his bridges with his family when the ex caused the rift. He has never been able to patch things up properly in the 8 years he’s been split from the ex. His mum probably wouldn’t let him temporarily move in while he sorts himself and he definitely wouldn’t ask her anyway. He’ll probably be here till he finds a rental or can figure out how to raise another deposit. Houses in his area are even cheaper than in mine. I’m talking £75000 for a 2 bedroom house. It wouldn’t take long to raise 10% of that.

Might he agree to rent out the house for a period of time? You said private rentals are in very short supply so it's likely you'd have no problem letting it, which means you're paying down the mortgage between you from the rental income and allowing time for the value to go up again.

You don't want to live next door to your mother, he doesn't have any reason to be in this location either so it seems a sensible alternative to selling up straight away, while enabling you both fresh starts.

I don't understand the obsession with trying to remain in the house, when it isn't where either of you really want to be.

Maybe this is the key to getting him out! Just start acting is if you’re sick of living with him and aren’t going to sit around waiting for him to move, so you’re moving out (and intend to leave your child in the family home). Start leaving print outs of properties on rightmove laying around and talking about contact days etc. When he starts saying he can’t be the primary parent just shrug and say you can’t live with him anymore, so if he won’t move out, you’ll have to and that means he will have to be a full time dad. With a bit of luck he might then want to leave before you do!

@Naunet Pretty high stakes negotiating tactic. What if he said, yes, I’ll be the primary carer. OP will have baby some of the time and granny next door may help out and he will find childcare. If he can offer the OP the types of sums she is mentioning offering to him - not very much- he could probably take on the mortgage straight away. Before you know it he could have another partner moving in who is impressed with his parenting skills.

Nothing lost, she doesn’t have to go through with it.

@watermeloncougar he would agree to that but only because he’s naive (or stupid) enough to think it would rake in a huge amount of profit (which it wouldn’t). I would be left to deal with all the nuances of this avenue as well no doubt.

As I’ve mentioned in the thread, prices won’t rise much, if at all. It is ex-council and non-standard construction into the bargain. Tracking similar properties on Rightmove you can see the ebb and flow of prices, they haven’t actually accumulated real value the way a house might in areas such as London or the like. For example, the house prices in my street have risen by about £20000 in the last 15/20 years. Except during Covid when they were all inflated well beyond what they were worth. I was never buying a house to make money, I just wanted a nice home for my child, with a room to call their own. I wasn’t planning on moving again unless I really had to.

I didn’t say I didn’t want to live next to my family, I said I wish I’d never bought so close to them in the first place. By that I mean, I feel it may have been too easy for my bf to shirk his responsibilities because they were so easy and accessible. It may have given him more incentive to step up and support if they weren’t so involved. I’ll never know though as it’s done now and it can’t be changed. And also, if I decide to date again, I can’t do it without nosy nora’s peeking out their curtains 😂

@LadyLapsang he could take the mortgage on right now, that’s correct. But he wouldn’t want to. He has done nothing but complain about paying out so much money since we moved in. To elaborate, the rent on his one bedroom flat was less than £300 per month. He expected a mortgage to be less than this. Then there’s council tax and all the rest of the outgoings. I’ve done the sums. The bills, everything included to the penny, would be about £1978 per month (that’s being conservative with food and allowing for summer utility bills). His average wage (without working away bonus) is circa £2100pm. My new job is a slightly higher salary but I also have an extra income that he doesn’t. He has vices that I don’t and I am much better at managing my money than he is. On paper he would be able to afford it right away, but the reality is he has been living in his overdraft the whole time we’ve lived here and that’s with me contributing to the bills.

He could also never see the bigger picture. We discussed him taking on more of the load while I studied with a view to me getting a job straight out of university (which I have). This would have allowed for a very comfortable standard of living with our 2 incomes. He could only see his own selfish wants and nothing about the benefits supporting me and keeping the home fires burning would bring in the long run. As it is, he’ll now have to support himself again on one income and also pay out for his 2 children properly. Which I don’t see lasting long.