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Original poster

Splitting up…who gets the house?

93 replies

Findinginnerpeace · 01/06/2023 14:15

Hi,

I’m in a situation and not sure how to go about getting out.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We lived together in my HA flat from 2019 while we saved for a house. he gave his up and moved to my area. We had a baby in 2021. We bought a house last year. Paid way over what it was worth as I was so desperate to move with the baby and we felt like it was our only chance to get on the property ladder at the time. This house is very close to my mums house so ideal for childcare help which was part of the reason.

Since we bought the house, he’s been like a different person and not a nice one. I had to return to uni last august to finish my degree. I was doing a full time placement, as well as full time uni, assignments, reading etc. He was supposed to step up and support me by taking on a bit more of the child related stuff (after work) and the home stuff. Needless to say, this didn’t happen. There’s a lot to it that I won’t go into but as a result of his behaviour since we bought the house, I no longer have any feelings for him and don’t want to be with him any longer.

The problem is, I don’t know where to start with separating. The mortgage is in both our names, we both saved for the deposit although it was in a savings account in his name but nothing was ringfenced, I’m primary carer for baby and will be starting a professional job soon on a not bad salary. I could probably get a mortgage alone but I don’t have a deposit.

There’s very little equity in the house as we’ve literally only been paying since March 2022. And we’re on a fixed rate till 2027 so if we sold we’d have to pay early settlement fees as well as estate agents lawyers etc. I don’t think we would make any money out of it whatsoever.

What do I do in this situation?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 01/06/2023 16:43

You know why he won’t go? Because he doesn’t want to pay you maintenance!!

eurghhh

are you sure you can’t leave?

you’d be onto a winner if you transferred it all into his name tbh

Would he accept that?

Original poster
Findinginnerpeace · 01/06/2023 16:44

I am starting a well paid job soon, I’m waiting on my checks being done. I should be starting next month at the latest.

I’m going to try and put some options to him, although he refuses to have an adult conversation. And if no further forward, I will try and find a lawyer. What kind of lawyer would specialise in this type of thing?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 01/06/2023 16:44

He is literally taking advantage of your nature thinking you won’t bother to do anything

Quitelikeit · 01/06/2023 16:45

Have you got legal cover on your home insurance? You could give them a call

Original poster
Findinginnerpeace · 01/06/2023 16:46

Yes, I have got legal cover. I pay the house insurance. He refused to pay that or life insurance.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 01/06/2023 16:54

They’ll give you some advice for free

I believe you could get a court order to force a sale

TBH I would move into a spare room

ActDottie · 01/06/2023 16:55

I think unless you are prepared to lose money then you need to keep the house for now, either him living their or you.

Otherwise if you are prepared to lose money then sell it and split the remainder as is fair (50:50?)

I suppose it depends on how quickly you want to cut ties with him, but given that you have a child with him I assume you’ll still want some sort of contact with him so there may not be much urgency to cut all ties immediately.

Original poster
Findinginnerpeace · 01/06/2023 17:02

We’re already in separate rooms. I had been trying to make some effort to better the relationship as I thought it was me that was the problem but there was absolutely no effort on his part and he told me the other night that my efforts have been cringey and awkward. He also said that he just wants to do what he wants to do and that he’s been looking out for number 1. It was then that the scales fell completely away and I realise that he was never the guy he tried to portray himself to be or the guy that I need him to be for me and my child.

I would accept living here just now and taking over the mortgage and then selling when the term is up or paying him more money by remortgaging. He probably won’t agree to any of the options. He wants to keep the status quo where I pay 50/50 or technically more as I pay for food and all things related to child and household stuff. And he would expect me to continue doing 95% of the housework and all the running about for the baby.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/06/2023 17:23

He probably won’t agree to any of the options. He wants to keep the status quo where I pay 50/50 or technically more as I pay for food and all things related to child and household stuff. And he would expect me to continue doing 95% of the housework and all the running about for the baby.

If he doesn’t want to split up, essentially, then it’s a moot point what you’d ideally like to happen because you may be limited to what’s actually possible - if he won’t agree to sell to you, your only realistic option is to force a sale on the open market via the courts.

NoSquirrels · 01/06/2023 17:24

Start by not paying for his food, though!

watermeloncougar · 01/06/2023 17:39

I agree with @NoSquirrels. Stop buying all the food, doing all the housework etc. You can't force him into porting the mortgage to you though. You're joint owners; sounds like this needs to end in selling up, rather than assuming one of you will 'get the house'

LadyLapsang · 01/06/2023 21:26

When you took out the mortgage were you earning a salary or was it solely based on his income? Do you have other children, because I don’t think a single woman would normally qualify for a HA flat.

Original poster
Findinginnerpeace · 01/06/2023 23:52

I had an income that was taken into account.

I lived in my one bedroom HA flat way before I met him, no children then. He also had a one bedroom HA flat at the time that he gave up to move in with me.

It’s not only single mothers who qualify for social housing.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 02/06/2023 04:37

Given you both qualified for a HA flat previously and you handed them back when you bought, hopefully the LA / HA would look at your claim positively in the future now you have a baby. The only people I know living in social housing were a teen mum and a wheelchair using woman, apart from homeless families. You must live in an area with more social housing.

I think it may be more straightforward to sell, crystallise your losses and move on.

Redebs · 02/06/2023 04:50

It looks like he wants to stay so that he gains half share of the house you'll be paying for.

He might likely string you along for years about porting you the house, hoping for a bigger share later with no effort.

He sounds like a disgusting piece of carp.

springtome · 02/06/2023 06:00

Findinginnerpeace · 01/06/2023 15:00

I could probably find the money to give him half of the difference between the value and what’s still owed which is just over £15000 but I doubt he would accept that either. It would probably be more than we would be left with if we actually sold right enough.

He needs to know that his options are allowing you to pay him half the equity (or he pays you) and your child has a home or you sell up and end up with very little once you pay all fees and you both, including your child, end up without a home.

Fedupofdiets · 02/06/2023 07:28

You need legal advice OP. If the house were to be sold he would only get an equity split anyway but there is no equity to be had - sounds like even your deposit would be swallowed up in negative equity. It would be foolish of him to force you and his child to move out and lose the house and the money but sounds like he is capable of this. See a family lawyer asap and go from there. Would he want a 50/50 custody split with your child? If not then any equity would be more in your advantage anyway. Also paying CM is not a choice he has unless he is self employed and can fiddle it.

mybestchildismycat · 02/06/2023 07:44

Does he pay CMS for his older child?

Goatbilly · 02/06/2023 08:29

Housing Association (HA) is not the same as council housing, otherwise more commonly referred to as social housing. HA properties are usually available via rent or shared ownership (part rent/part buy), usually available to first time buyers.

Calmdown14 · 02/06/2023 08:35

I think you probably need to get an estate agent round while he's there (do a bit of research and get a realistic one, not one over quoting to get your business - or if you are in Scotland get a home report which will have the proper value).
Get their fees and solicitor costs.

Get a settlement for your mortgage figure.

Get prices for nursery if your mum can't have your child and allocate him half.

Then make him a reasonable offer.

It's all well and good saying sell but in your particular circumstances it sounds like you could both walk away with no where to live and a debt, plus increased child care costs.

Or tell him to book a solicitors appointment as independent advice might help him see the situation more clearly

Calmdown14 · 02/06/2023 08:39

Unpalatable as it is it may also be in your interests to stick it out with him a bit longer until you are in your job properly and the mortgage market stabilises.

But you can start laying the ground work and squirreling a bit away.

Original poster
Findinginnerpeace · 02/06/2023 09:04

He wouldn’t go for 50/50, he has a big important job (not really) that sees him getting up at 5am and not getting home till 5/6pm at night. He told me when I took a break from uni due to PND that he shouldn’t have to do night feeds or house stuff as I was in the house and he had to go to work. He’s done very little in respect of our child, my family have helped raise them while I’ve been at uni. He has repeatedly refused to change his job to accommodate a better work life balance so there’s no way he would want the baby more than EOW I’m assuming.

He was in dispute with his ex for a while about child maintenance. She told him to shove his money and he did. Their divorce was quite acrimonious and she was quite controlling and abusive in some ways. I have direct experience of this when she tried to dictate what I did with my child and sent me long rambling emails about past events that happened way before I met him. He still gave the child a large wad of money at birthday and Christmas. He’s been paying the CM money directly to his teenager for the last 3 and a bit years. His ex has started taking the money off the child and using it to pay for child’s food and necessities. Whereas I’ve struggled to get him to even buy milk or nappies for my child.

I tried to talk to him last night and he accepted that he should be the one to leave. I’m not holding out any hope for this actually happening though. He’s been digging his heels in for a year because it’s “his” house, he doesn’t see my contribution at all.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 02/06/2023 09:58

Once you start work will your salary be enough to get a mortgage for the full amount of the loan leaving him free to secure a property for both children to stay - his teen and the baby?

Original poster
Findinginnerpeace · 02/06/2023 10:08

My salary would get me a mortgage but the nursery fees and outgoings may hinder how much I can get.

What do you mean leaving him free?

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 02/06/2023 10:20

What I mean is you both need to start again if you split up. If the combination of your salary when you start work and any maintenance you receive for the baby is not enough to pass the affordability checks for a new mortgage in your name, how do you propose to stay in the house? Presumably he will need to find accommodation suitable for two children to stay whereas although you envisage having the baby with you more, it is just you and the baby.