Splitting up…who gets the house?

[Findinginnerpeace]

Hi,

I’m in a situation and not sure how to go about getting out.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We lived together in my HA flat from 2019 while we saved for a house. he gave his up and moved to my area. We had a baby in 2021. We bought a house last year. Paid way over what it was worth as I was so desperate to move with the baby and we felt like it was our only chance to get on the property ladder at the time. This house is very close to my mums house so ideal for childcare help which was part of the reason.

Since we bought the house, he’s been like a different person and not a nice one. I had to return to uni last august to finish my degree. I was doing a full time placement, as well as full time uni, assignments, reading etc. He was supposed to step up and support me by taking on a bit more of the child related stuff (after work) and the home stuff. Needless to say, this didn’t happen. There’s a lot to it that I won’t go into but as a result of his behaviour since we bought the house, I no longer have any feelings for him and don’t want to be with him any longer.

The problem is, I don’t know where to start with separating. The mortgage is in both our names, we both saved for the deposit although it was in a savings account in his name but nothing was ringfenced, I’m primary carer for baby and will be starting a professional job soon on a not bad salary. I could probably get a mortgage alone but I don’t have a deposit.

There’s very little equity in the house as we’ve literally only been paying since March 2022. And we’re on a fixed rate till 2027 so if we sold we’d have to pay early settlement fees as well as estate agents lawyers etc. I don’t think we would make any money out of it whatsoever.

What do I do in this situation?

I have done a mortgage calculation and should be able to get more than the house is valued at but the online calculators can be wrong. I have a good mortgage broker anyway so it shouldn’t be an issue when it comes to it.

I think I’m definitely going to speak to a lawyer as the options all seem complicated and I don’t know what would work out for the best without leaving myself and child at a disadvantage.

I agree, you both need legal advice and to speak to mortgage providers / brokers.

I think you have 3 choices if you are not going to stay together

One is that the house is sold the mortgage, early settlement fees, selling fees and your friends are paid back. If there isn’t enough money to pay people who behave helped you back then all debts are divided by 2 and proper agreements drawn up for each of you to repay a certain amount each month until your share of the debt is cleared

Or depending on when the early settlement fee is off the mortgage one of you remains in the house and pays half of the mortgage for however long it takes for the early settlement penalty to not be there.

Or you get the house valued and you work out the amount of the mortgage, early settlement fee and debts you both owe friends then you divide what ever is left by 2 and then one “buys” the other out.

As nothing was ring-fenced then it doesn’t matter if someone put more in than the other person the house is in joint names and it is 50/50

As for child maintenance. As your Dh has a big important job then although he can refuse to pay, if you go through the courts. It will eventually result in an attachment of earnings and the money is taken from his salary before he even gets it so what he wants or doesn’t want is not up to him.

It takes time but eventually you will get it

Don’t make your partner primary career for your child otherwise he will be coming after you for CM

@Kennykenkencat I don’t think the boyfriend can earn that much (or he may have high outgoings) because with two of them earning at the time they took out the mortgage they are living in a property worth 120K.

Jesus, what a selfish prick. Have you ever asked him why he thinks he shouldn’t have to provide for his children? Would love to know his excuse.

You may find that the mortgage company won't agree to change the mortgage on the property to a single person paying. Your salary would need to be quite high. I have had experience of this, it may not be as easy as you think. They much prefer to have two people on the mortgage as it is less risky for them.

Whatever you do DO NOT ALLOW him to move out before that house is signed over to you

he seems just the type to move out find somewhere else but keep his name on your mortgage for life. The law would say he’s entitled to 50pc of the proceeds if you ever sell and mores to the point solicitors don’t release funds unless you both sign to agree which bank account they are going into

Do a calculation in tirn2us as you’ll probably be entitled to financial
help with your nursery fees

You will also get child maintenance from him though this will be reduced a bit because he has another child he pays for

He’s not a high earner. He works in a trade. We could have got a mortgage for more than the house we bought. We chose the property to keep outgoings down, given we had a baby and I was returning to my studies and because it was in the area I have family in. The average price of a house like mine is in the region of 100-105k. They were way overvalued during Covid and the aftermath and have subsequently dropped back down in recent months.

We weren't aiming to over extend ourselves with a huge mortgage when we knew we would have nursery fees to pay.

@Naunet I have a theory that he used up all of his “good guy” tendencies on his marriage. By all accounts, he was a good father and provider for his older child while him and his ex were together. This has been backed up by his child and his ex. But I’ve never been able to get the full picture. His ex did cheat on him and controlled him and was abusive at times, this has also been backed up by people who know them both. After the acrimonious divorce he was left with literally nothing, including his blood family as the ex and his mum did not get on and it caused a huge rift. I think this left him very bitter and lonely. I feel like he feels he was fucked over the first time so he shouldn’t make the effort at all now, even though I’ve spent 5 years showing him I’m not like his ex.

@spottysnail I’ve already checked with my broker and the terms of my mortgage state that the mortgage can be ported once, and to a single name if criteria is met. I’ll be earning just a smidge under what our joint income was when we applied so I don’t see it being a big issue. And if it is then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

@Quitelikeit I don’t think there’s any danger of that. I’m very on the ball and he is lazy as fuck so I doubt he would even take the time to get his own legal advice. And there’s definitely no danger of him moving out before it’s signed over, I’ll be lucky to get him out at all if the past year is anything to go by.

@Quitelikeit I did a calculation last night, I don’t think I’d be entitled to any universal credit due to the new salary being too high but I might be able to get the tax free childcare. It’s not a huge amount but it’s better than nothing. Ex’s contribution from CM would only be about 200 a month so it doesn’t even cover half the nursery fees nevermind anything else.

You need legal advice

I can’t make head or tail if it
get house valued take off fees O/s mortgage and 8k your left with equity. Divide that by 2

as u say there’s nothing left
one of u mended to take the mortgage n and pay the 8k back

With every.post you make he sounds worse OP. He has a well paid job but only contributes to the mortgage and utilities. You pay your half of mortgage and utility yet are expected to pay all your babies expenses such as nursery fees alone and house insurance and all food too. Wow what a loser he is and not stepping up whilst you had PND is unforgivable in my book. You will be so much better off without him. I'd start divorce proceedings. Finances and the family home, will be decided by a judge. He will have to pay you CM for your baby and CMS can get his employers to deduct money directly from his salary to be paid to CMS who then forward it to you, for you to support his child. If he does not want contact with your baby I would just accept that. She is a baby so won't even remember him after a while. I can't see how else you can proceed given the equity from the house will be cancelled by punitive charges for leaving your mortgage fix early.

@rwalker I’ve done the calculations. The house was last valued at 120k (it may have dropped as others in the area have). We still have about 104k + change to pay on the mortgage. The difference is about just over £15000. The mortgage early settlement fees are just over £4500. Say £11000 left minus the £8000 owed to family friend, left with what £1500 each? And he owes me that much for his car that I paid for.

I have told him, I would happily give him a small amount, let him have his car and I would take over the mortgage and the debt and he would be free to live his life they way he wants to.

You are being more than reasonable OP but sometimes the more reasonable you are the more the stbex will try to fuck you over. My exh of 20 years who cheated on me seemed to think I should get the house with 5 years mortgage left to pay and he should get our business we both worked in. Business valued over three times higher than the house. He didn't get it but that was what his solicitor proposed. The judge ordered a fair split.

Sounds like he's going to say no to everything, so to untie yourself you'll need to go to court.

He has several option

You buy him out £1500 and he ports the mortgage to you and he moves out
He buys you out £1500 and you port the mortgage to him
You sell up and after costs you split any equity 50/50

If he won't agree to any of those - it'll be a case of taking him to court which will cost you both money and leave you with nothing

Anther option is one of you stays in the house and pays 100% of the mortgage, and you both stay on the mortgage. Then you'll both be entitled to a 50/50 split when the house is sold. Might seem unfair to the one paying the mortgage, but the other person will be paying rent somewhere anyway.

Does he want to sell? What does he want to do? I would write down the costs in terms of selling and what that outcome would be financially for him and then write another where you give him a sum of money to sign over eg 5k because you have to make it worth your while for him to walkaway by the sounds of it. Give him both pieces of paper and then tell him he has X amount of time to give you an answer else you will leave and he will be responsible for everything/chasing you for any money he feels is owed.
Tbh at £1500 after selling I think I would just leave

@caringcarer As I’m posting I realise that he sounds like a horrible person. My mum and I have been talking recently and even she (who is a big cynic and quite anti-men) cannot believe the change in him literally since we were handed the keys to the house. We have had issues for a while though, since I was ill during pregnancy really. I’m very resentful of how he acted while I was pregnant and immediately after I gave birth, it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive.

When I first met him, he was charming, funny, loyal, kind, committed and he seemed to really love his older child. The ex had made it difficult for him to see the child for about a year/18 months before I came on the scene. Something she is still trying to do just now even though they are now 15 and can make up their own mind. He treated me well, was a gentleman, spoiled me with love, affection, time. I felt like he genuinely adored me. He would always pick up the tab when we were out. He’s not a big gift giver but as he spoiled me in other ways, I didn’t mind it that much. He made huge efforts with my family and friends, fitted right in. He would always help out when asked, using his skills to build things for people etc. He’s very well thought of by people in his small town. Popular and well liked and known for being a good guy.

With my help, he re-established his relationship with his child, and has been consistent with contact for a few years. The child was also accepted warmly into my family, treated like all the blood children. Spoiled at birthdays and christmases and never left out of anything. We even forged somewhat of a civil friendship with his ex-wife. Until I got pregnant and she started trying to dictate and control things.

I honestly feel like a total idiot because I don’t know where that guy I met went. And I don’t know how I ended up in this situation.

You are no longer together so start the CMS claim now. He doesn't pay towards his child at all and you can prove that. He only pays 50% of mortgage and house bills.

I suspect he didn't want another child and resents that you changed with pregnancy and motherhood. He was no longer the centre of your world.

Op you can post on legal matters. There's a couple of family solicitors on there who are very helpful.

@Blahdeblahaha I don’t know what he wants to do as he won’t sit down and have a conversation with me. I already offered him his half of the deposit at the end of last year but he declined.

@RandomMess It was his idea to have a child, it was me who was on the fence. I never wanted children. But the way he was with his older child and the way he talked about how nice it would be to have one of our own as we were going to be together forever, won me over. I honestly did not envision him turning out to be such a shit partner and father.

Unless you can afford to take over the mortgage, I see this going to court. Relatively short relationship, not married, you have one child to help support and he has two. Perhaps try counselling / mediation.

Why did you offer him the option to be the primary cater for your child out of interest?