Page 3 | What’s fair

Hetti1 · 2023-05-31T11:38:23+00:00

im just wanting some views or advice on the following!- been in a relationship for 2 years, I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I have my own house (no mortgage) partner has his own house (with mortgage. we never had a conversation about moving in but he now only spends about 2 nights a month at his own house I’ve asked for a contribution towards gas and electric and he just said “I’ve still got all the bill to pay at my house”, he will buy food now and then and when we go out it’s pretty evenly split. Is it unreasonable to ask for a contribution towards gas and electric? I don’t ask him for any money towards any other bills. He has no children and on twice as much as me per year. I also do all the housework

Stratocumulus · 31/05/2023 17:23

I haven't read all your thread but my first gut reaction was for you “woman up” and kick him out.

He’s going to kill you with all the extra physical effort and emotional stress he’s caused and is continuing to cause.

We are telling you he’s a “Cheeky Effrr” so do what you need to do and do it now, today.
Game over Buster. Get out!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 31/05/2023 17:23

Agree he wont go peacefully. Would you? He gets everything he needs and doesn't pay a penny. You even ferry him around! Why? Why do you put up with this? I would have a think about that OP. You are literally spending money on this man that could be put away for you and your children? Why?

PhoenixArisen · 31/05/2023 17:25

How about you tell him that you need a bit of space and need some time to think things through. That might be a calmer way to get him out?

Original poster

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 17:29

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 31/05/2023 17:23

Agree he wont go peacefully. Would you? He gets everything he needs and doesn't pay a penny. You even ferry him around! Why? Why do you put up with this? I would have a think about that OP. You are literally spending money on this man that could be put away for you and your children? Why?

Self esteem issue maybe? I was single for a year before I met him but had been through an awful divorce so think I didn’t give myself enough time being single, I was happy going on a few dates but it’s all just gone way faster too soon and too much too soon, I don’t feel like I need anyone, I’m quite happy me and the girls, an odd date would be nice.

I know what I need to do, im conscious kids are here at the mo where tommroe they go to their dads so I know I can do it then without the stress if there is a scene or not

im thinking I will do it tommroe and piss off to a hotel for the night

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 17:31

PhoenixArisen · 31/05/2023 17:25

How about you tell him that you need a bit of space and need some time to think things through. That might be a calmer way to get him out?

i considered this also as then he would have at least gone home?

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TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 17:31

Yes, wait until it's safer and more convenient. Tomorrow sounds good.

Get the locks changed. Tell him it's over via text. Tell him you'll put his stuff outside the door.

When he comes to collect it do not let him in. If he makes a fuss call the police.

You can do this, OP.

WateryDoom · 31/05/2023 17:35

I can't believe he's still there!

I agree with the others that he's not going quietly and is relying on you not wanting to make a fuss and is just ignoring what you've said.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 31/05/2023 17:45

He takes the absolute piss, and knows how much it annoys you, but doesn’t make any effort to change.

Gets kicked out, worms his way back in, and takes the absolute piss again.

Not too bright, is he?

Get rid of him tomorrow, and DO NOT let him worm his way in again. You know what will happen if you do.

caringcarer · 31/05/2023 17:50

My son's gf spends 3 nights at her house each week and DS spends 3 nights at his gf house each week. Both have a cat and can't leave them two nights in a row so they alternate. Could you do this so your utilities are more equal.

caringcarer · 31/05/2023 17:56

Just read your update, OP. Wait until your DC are with their Dad then ask him to move out. If he refuses just bag up his stuff into a black sack.or 2 and dump them outside of the door. When he goes out to get them shut the door and leave the key in the lock. The following day get a locksmith to change locks for you. Block, block, block him.

ThePensivePig · 31/05/2023 17:57

He sounds like a right pillock. He should absolutely be contributing both financially and practically since he's there the vast majority of the time. Tell him to cough up or get out.

ThePensivePig · 31/05/2023 17:58

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 14:22

Little update, so I’ve just had a conversation with him and said I think you should move home because of blah blah blah, we have the same argument all the time as we both have opposing views

and he said “well tell me how much money you want a month”

you know what ladies, I don’t even think it’s about money anymore I just don’t think I want to be in this relationship.

i want to say Thankyou to all of you above who replied, I know what I have to do, oh my god wish me luck 🫣

Just seen this, best of luck to you.

Todayiamkitty · 31/05/2023 18:04

Good luck. The guilt/worry about upsetting him is a normal reaction, but just think of how you will feel once you have your space back.

Definitely block him afterwards, and don't answer the door to him either.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/05/2023 18:08

Just sending good wishes to you for tomorrow @Hetti1

I'm another one guilty of falling for sucking up another person's expenses for the sake of wanting to 'be nice'. Don't beat yourself up, but DO stand up for yourself and don't let his inertia drag you back into a relationship you don't want.

Dery · 31/05/2023 18:09

You may need help getting him out. Don’t hesitate to call the police if he won’t leave you alone. You shouldn’t have let him back in because he rang the bell for an hour. That was a huge red flag which should’ve had you running a mile. Perhaps get a friend or relative round tomorrow evening. It may be helpful if they’re male.

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 18:32

Dery · 31/05/2023 18:09

You may need help getting him out. Don’t hesitate to call the police if he won’t leave you alone. You shouldn’t have let him back in because he rang the bell for an hour. That was a huge red flag which should’ve had you running a mile. Perhaps get a friend or relative round tomorrow evening. It may be helpful if they’re male.

Yes, if he does this again, do not hesitate to call the police.

P1ckledonionz · 31/05/2023 18:41

the last time I ended it I blocked him on everything and he knocked on the door and waited for an hour outside continuously knocking.

Just wow. You need to get rid of this guy. You deserve so much better.
You can seek support from Women's Aid if you feel intimidated by him, or simply call the police if anything like this happens again. This behaviour is not normal; it is stalking/harassment. It is certainly not love!

at the end of the conversation I said no I think you need to move back home and it’s like he hasn’t heard what I’ve said and is currently sat on my sofa watching the tele

Do you think he is banking on you not wanting to make a scene? Are you scared it will turn physically dangerous or is it more about keeping the peace at all costs? If you are very concerned then get support from Women's Aid/police but if you are mostly wanting to keep things peaceful he may be using this to manipulate you. I think being afraid to rock the boat enables people to take advantage.

Given his previous behaviour you probably need to mentally prepare yourself to tell him "this relationship is over. If you don't leave i will call the police" and then absolutely follow through if he doesn't leave. You have a right not have him in your home and not to be harassed by him!

AhNowTed · 31/05/2023 18:48

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 14:22

Little update, so I’ve just had a conversation with him and said I think you should move home because of blah blah blah, we have the same argument all the time as we both have opposing views

and he said “well tell me how much money you want a month”

you know what ladies, I don’t even think it’s about money anymore I just don’t think I want to be in this relationship.

i want to say Thankyou to all of you above who replied, I know what I have to do, oh my god wish me luck 🫣

So glad to see this update OP.

This guy is living for nothing in your house, and you're literally feeding, heating and driving him, all expenses paid. It's ridiculous.

No decent man or woman would do this.

And this is money you could be spending on your children, or saving for some security.

Imagine the tables were turned, and you were living in his house 28 days out of 30, and contributing nothing?

NOT A CHANCE.

Original poster

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 19:09

P1ckledonionz · 31/05/2023 18:41

the last time I ended it I blocked him on everything and he knocked on the door and waited for an hour outside continuously knocking.

Just wow. You need to get rid of this guy. You deserve so much better.
You can seek support from Women's Aid if you feel intimidated by him, or simply call the police if anything like this happens again. This behaviour is not normal; it is stalking/harassment. It is certainly not love!

at the end of the conversation I said no I think you need to move back home and it’s like he hasn’t heard what I’ve said and is currently sat on my sofa watching the tele

Do you think he is banking on you not wanting to make a scene? Are you scared it will turn physically dangerous or is it more about keeping the peace at all costs? If you are very concerned then get support from Women's Aid/police but if you are mostly wanting to keep things peaceful he may be using this to manipulate you. I think being afraid to rock the boat enables people to take advantage.

Given his previous behaviour you probably need to mentally prepare yourself to tell him "this relationship is over. If you don't leave i will call the police" and then absolutely follow through if he doesn't leave. You have a right not have him in your home and not to be harassed by him!

No no he’s never been violent, it’s just difficult to have conversations with him as he gets angry straight away and extremely offended. I’ve never been frightened of him, if he gets angry tho he just throws all his toys out and says horrible stuff

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Original poster

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 19:13

I must also say tho that I’m not a perfect partner by any means, but it’s factual things I will say not throw personal insults

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AhNowTed · 31/05/2023 19:15

Let him throw a strop OP.

He has ZERO right to be offended.

He is taking advantage of you royally, and then some.

The fucking brass neck.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2023 19:17

Tomorrow bag up his stuff and put it outside,

Tell him to hand over his key and go.

If he doesn't ring the police and if you don't get your key back change the locks.

If he turns up again, phone the police

Original poster

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 19:19

Oh my god ladies he’s just said “im going for a shower” I nearly shouted up the stairs that’s 50 quid you arsehole

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Original poster

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 19:20

the other key is on the side, I’ve put it away at the back of a cuboard so it’s hidden

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TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 19:20

Hetti1 · 31/05/2023 19:19

Oh my god ladies he’s just said “im going for a shower” I nearly shouted up the stairs that’s 50 quid you arsehole