Did it work out for you as a stay at home mum - do you regret leaving work? OR Are you a career woman & happy?

[Uktousa2022]

With a culture of woman need to be dominant and have there own career, but on the flip side I have seen videos on feminine/masculine energy (the man is the leader who goes out to work and provide) - I am curious what path did you take? and your experience of being stay at home mums - and on the flip side mums that still work and have there own independence money - are you happy? Do you wish you done things differently?

I think woman have been told to get a career and be financial independent, but I see a lot of these woman having to freeze eggs, and I question whether they are fundamentally happy - but I also see women that have had kids with there husband in there early 20s, never worked, man earns it all, and I genuinely wonder if these women are happy too! Albeit life may be easier! (once the kids are a tad older)

Where do you fit in? Are you trying to decide what to do yourself? I’ve been both and there are swings and roundabouts.

Why do you want to know?

Why do you want to know?

Pros and cons to everything
The problem is when women have no choice in their decision.

I don't think you need to see it in terms of masculine / feminine 'energy' - try to dismiss that idea. It's more about the needs of your children, your finances, what's best for you and the family, and also what YOU want.

Some people work because they love their career. Some people don't work because they want to put their energies into being physically present for their children. Some people work because they can't afford not to. Some people don't work because they can't afford childcare. It's really nothing to do with a feminine 'energy' - and if someone with a 'masculine energy' is trying to plant that idea in your mind then I'd ignore them!

Please see the OP’s other thread sub/dom relationship (which it is not, he is just a misogynistic twat) for the context

Wondering what on earth constitutes 'masculine energy' and 'feminine energy'

Have you noticed no-one talks about career men? Funny that.

Are you writing an A level essay?

I suppose I am interested in how many of these men used it to there advantage/or if the woman ended up without anything - and secondly whether the woman with careers with they did marry a man and have kids young

woman with careers with they did marry a man and have kids young
No, I didn't meet DH until I was in my 30's and he was in his 40's.
We both have successful careers because we don't subscribe to the whole 'masculine and feminine energy' rubbish. we both contribute equally to to the marriage and to parenting.

I decided to be a sahm it was the right choice for me and I've never regretted it our house is quite chilled and that's how me and dh like it . My kids are older now and I'm still at home as it suits me and the family to have it that way.

Neither. It’s been 50:50 all the way. We’re both happy.
Thought we’d moved away from pigeon holing everyone. can’t believe we’re still having theses conversation 50yrs on from 1970s women having the same conversations.

I'd never trust a man enough to be a stay at home mum. I would have loved to be with DS exclusively for the first 5 years.
But men are so incredibly flaky you just can't predict whether they will run off with another woman or just dump you so I've always had to rely on myself. Both my husbands did that and were selfish spongers to boot.

PS, spoiler alert, it works out for some SAHMs and goes disastrously, catastrophically wrong for others. It is a huge, huge gamble to put all your financial eggs in the basket of your relationship working out AND your H never becoming abusive, or even just complacent and cheap where you're concerned.

Agree- that's why I was genuinely interested to see real life experiences.

I was always very career focused and didn't want kids until I met DH (when I was 30). Had DC in late 30s, still have career (we both do). I respect SAHP as a choice, but it was not the one for me and my family. Never regretted.

With a culture of woman need to be dominant and have there own career

Having your own career isn’t being dominant, it’s being an independent adult.

I have seen videos on feminine/masculine energy

You really, really, REALLY need to be able to discard this kind of internalised misogyny before approaching any D/s relationship.

Neither being a SAHM nor having a career are “correct” answers. There are only answers which work in the context of specific relationships and specific situations. The common denominator in the ones where the partners are happy is the ones where relationship equity exists. Your other post suggests you’re not even in the same time zone as this concept currently.

"feminine / masculine energy"??? What on earth does that even mean?

The only difference between men and women in that respect is that as we have a uterus, women have to be pregnant and (understandably) take time off to recover after the birth of a baby. As we have breasts, we also need to be around in some capacity if going down the breastfeeding route.

The fact that western society often makes it difficult to maintain or resume a career around these requirements has nothing to do with "energy", feminine or otherwise 🙄

And as a PP pointed out, why does no one ever talk about "career men"? Presumably some of them have children too, how do they balance it all?

To answer your question, I have both procreated and furthered my career (as did DH in case that's relevant?).

This was possible through hard work and sacrifices, undeniably, but also a fair amount of privilege. We live in an area where childcare is expensive but still affordable, so although we have no family nearby we were both able to continue working. We are also fortunate that we both had good degrees and secured well-paid office jobs with a degree of flexibility around hours and work locations. I also had the good sense of not marrying a sexist, insecure man who believes in "masculine dominant energy" and we took turns over the years prioritising our respective careers with the other one picking up a bit more slack for a while.

And yes we are happy.

Does this answer your question OP?

I stayed at home for a while but hated it, I'm so much happier in work. I'm doing well in my career and financially stable and secure as a result.

I have a really good relationship with my dd, now a teen and she's done well her exams, has a good group of friends and good hobbies. So her going into after school clubs and nursery hasn't done her any harm

Right I agree. The man in question believes in this sort of set up (eg a man would rule the household, make big decisions, take the lead) - but also wants me to contribute a little financially (because things are too expensive for 1 salary). Well IMO traditional woman with this set up didn't work at all!

What a load of twaddle is masculine/feminine energy? It’s what works for your family.

Yes. It was never a choice I thought I'd make, but it was perfect for me and my family. Haven't regretted it for a second.

But the feminine/masculine energy stuff is misogynist bullshit.

Once you have children there is no 'energy' ('feminine' or 'masculine' whatever THAT means!) - just endless tiredness, tasks and responsibility.
Most couples try to organise themselves to get it all done somehow and keep paying the bills... 😂

Neither being a SAHM nor having a career are “correct” answers. There are only answers which work in the context of specific relationships and specific situations. The common denominator in the ones where the partners are happy is the ones where relationship equity exists.

This. If you and your partner are at odds with what the future looks like which it certainly sounds like you are, then this isn't going to work for you. Masculine energy, what absolute fucking tosh. Men rule the household and make the decisions? Did another man tell him that was the way masculine energy works? Fuck that. I want and am an equal partner, with input and opinions. If my sons said something like that I would delve a lot deeper into why in 2023 they think that women are subservient.