Did it work out for you as a stay at home mum - do you regret leaving work? OR Are you a career woman & happy?

[Uktousa2022]

With a culture of woman need to be dominant and have there own career, but on the flip side I have seen videos on feminine/masculine energy (the man is the leader who goes out to work and provide) - I am curious what path did you take? and your experience of being stay at home mums - and on the flip side mums that still work and have there own independence money - are you happy? Do you wish you done things differently?

I think woman have been told to get a career and be financial independent, but I see a lot of these woman having to freeze eggs, and I question whether they are fundamentally happy - but I also see women that have had kids with there husband in there early 20s, never worked, man earns it all, and I genuinely wonder if these women are happy too! Albeit life may be easier! (once the kids are a tad older)

Ups and downs. I don't earn much now but I have a job I like which is genuinely helpful to my local community and society, I'm very much appreciated and received recognition recently of my efforts during covid. Money isn't everything. I stayed at home for 8 years raising children and part time after

I was a career woman until my mid 30's working in larger businesses. I started my own self employed business (same profession) and built that up for a couple of years until I had our DS. I worked throughout pregnancy and was back working within a few days of giving birth. Being self employed gave me the flexibility and freedom to increase/reduce hours according to home and childcare responsibilities. As my pregnancy progressed, I took my foot off the gas with the business, stopped marketing, stopped taking on new clients, and just "coasted" with longstanding clients. Same for the first few months after DS was born. Then once we'd got into a pattern of feeding/sleeping/housework, etc., I started marketing the business again, but still not really "going at it" and still only working part time. When he started school, I really ramped up the marketing and took on a lot of new work, but I was very careful not to take on too much at once and not to take on difficult/demanding clients. The flexibility from starting my own business meant I could continue being a career woman, but on my own terms, meaning I could gear working hours around school times, easily take a couple of hours off for school assemblies/productions, etc. Best decision I ever made. But it was all planned - even in my early 20's at the start of my career, I choose a career path where I knew my profession would enable me to become self employed later in life to give flexibility when I became a mother.

What's all this energy bollocks? Sounds like red pill waffle for keeping the little woman in her place. Since you asked I have a career and have always worked full time. I'm also married with children. Domestic duties are shared. Kept my birth name. I have always wanted financial independence and a profession. Never interested in being "looked after". Would hate a life where the husband considered himself head of the household. I would have rather stayed single than compromise on any of that. No regrets. Its tough when the kids are little but I've always made sure the time I spend with them is quality time. We are really close and they know me and their dad are "on their team". When they get to teenage years all the stuff they want is expensive and two decent jobs has meant that's never been a struggle. We are still happily together after 28 years. It's a nice feeling that we're both here out of choice because we love and like each other not because we are dependent on each others financial or domestic contributions.

I chose to be a SAHM and then as time went on and DH took early retirement I did too and neither of us regret it - youngest is at secondary now so we can both do school runs and get involved (PTA etc). But we've always been equals so no dominant roles here from either side!

There are good bits to both.

I've been a single mum since DS was 2 and always worked full time to support us.

When Covid came I was furloughed and decided it was my one chance to be a SAHM. DS was 12 at the time so not many years opportunity left.

I was at home for a year (5 months furlough and 7 months redundant) and that was more than enough for me. 😁 I know I was lucky to be furloughed, and then to have redundancy pay that lasted us through, but I was pleased to go back to work.

I just don't need that close a relationship with house work.

Well IMO traditional woman with this set up didn't work at all!

Have you told this prince among men your opinion? Because he is the kind of wanker who would make you work for money, make you do all the housework, and take all your money for himself.

Please do not move to the USA to be with him.

And OP - I had a career, as did my husband.

We have always shared the housework. We have always shared our money and decided together what to spend it pn.

We raised out children together, taking equal responsibility for caring for them.

My husband is not my boss. I am not his boss. We are a partnership.

You, on the other hand, are thinking about moving to America to live with a misogynistic, sexist animal-abusing bully.

My parents married in 1953 and divided their roles along traditional gender lines. Father worked full time, his career was prioritised and working internationally in those days meant that the family moved with him

It was, I think, a happy marriage but even as a small child I knew that it was not for me.

After a day out shopping we would all arrive home tired, not exhausted but ready for a rest. My father would sit down and read the news paper while my mother made the evening meal.

Again, she probably had prepped something so it wasn't exactly onerous but I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be the person sitting down and being served rather than the one bustling around, or happy to share both so long as the load was shared equally

It's nothing about male and female, masculine and feminine and everything about who controls the resources and so determines how they are allocated.

It only has to be about dominance if one party does truly seek to dominate the other. Decent people collaborate to ensure the outcome is fair for both parties.

@Uktousa2022 what's your opinion on women who have a "job" rather than a "career"?
Because they are different things.

Neither is wrong or right. It’s about freedom for both parents to make a joint decision about what works best for their family. But I do think all adults need to protect themselves and consider future outcomes

I have a career (six figure salary) and 2 nearly grown DCs. I had them at 27 and 29 domestic labour is split equally here. FWIW we both worked part-time until the youngest was 8

I am a stay at home parent. I never had a career I loved, nothing. Just worked for money. Shit jobs, shit pay, life circumstances meant I couldn't move etc for better prospects. But now, I get to be with the kids whilst they're young, go to their sports days and parents evenings. I'm here, I experienced a lot of death when I was younger so it's an issue for me. I do not ever judge any parent for needing to be in work. We do what we need to do, for us, for life, for our families. This just works for me, and for us.

The op seems a load of shire

Why would you want to make yourself dependent on a man?

Of course its possible to have a career and be happy.

It's even possible to have a career, kids and be happy

There's research that shows sahms are less happy than theor working counter parts overall

Certainly wouldn't be for me

My friend was a SAHM her DH the sole earner, she was very happy with this set up, as was he. They were a traditional Christian family. She didn't go to college etc, but got married - her choice.

Her DH suddenly died when their child was 2, this devastated their family, and she had to sell the family home and go back to college and find a job. What happened to her was a big wake up call to me, as we were just starting our family and I was toying with the idea of being a SAHM. Then my now DH got made redundant again - economy was tanking at the time. This made up my mind that I needed to also be responsible for our financial security, so I went back to University and studied law and eventually qualified as a solicitor. I feel so much better that no matter what happens I can take care of our children and won't have to rely on a man. I am very traditional, my DH makes the majority of our decisions, but your relationship should be a partnership, and your needs and wants respected and taken into consideration when decisions are made.

Please think carefully before you make such a huge impactful decision for yourself and any future children.

Well this is what he claims he wants. The set up you have where the husband makes the important decisions. And he does say he will take my wants and feelings into consideration but financially feels like he is more sensible which may be true.

Yeah, fuck that.

Also, coming from a pretty traditional working class setup, the women in my family who did SAH entirely were always the ones in charge of the big decisions and budgets. That was part of the division of labour. Full responsibility for and authority over the domestic sphere.

Any important decision in our family is a joint decision, my DH doesn't get the absolute final say. For instance my DH really would have liked and really wanted a 4th child, but I wasn't keen for several reasons, our age late 30s being one and we discussed it so we stopped at 3.

Be careful with this man, how is he when you disagree with him on things? Do you always back down and give him what he wants? Anyone who espouses that they want to be dominant in the relationship would make me run, there should be no dominant one in an equal partnership. You are a person in your own absolute right, don't give up your power and independence so easily. You matter too.

We may be quite traditional, but we are a partnership and a team both striving for the best for our family.

@Uktousa2022

Why are you even considering continuing a relationship with this waste of space?

Couldnt hack being a SAHM full time. At 9 month maternity leave i was ready to return. I enjoy earning my own money, having my own career and life. I knew it was time to return to work when i found myself telling someone the highlight of my week was cleaning my windows inside & out! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

After children my father worked FT & my mother PT. My father remained in control of the finances, although they discussed some things together.

As a teenager I realised that I wanted full control of my finances, more opportunities & more choices than my parents.

I have always worked FT & paid into a company pension.

I made the right choices for myself

However other people may want different things in life

@Uktousa2022 i'm 66 and in a relatively traditional relationship with my dh of 43 years.
now there were times when i worked ft and he went to school, times when he worked ft+ot to fund his schooling, times when i was a sahm, times i worked causual (on call), and times i was part time.
we have 3 children who are 18 months apart in age (now 38, 39 and 41).

my dh is what i describe as an alpha male; prone to being domineering and forceful with his idea's and views BUT
during all the years i didn't work ft, he paid into my personal pension fund (i have a government as well as a workplace one as well), all decisions were made as equals and my views are FULLY taken into account.
including vehicle choices (and NO i don't like jeep's either as they do have a poor track record).
there were times he was pushy, when we were first together i didn't know how to drive, me not learning went over like a lead balloon...he had no intention of forever driving me around and being my chauffeur, so that needed sorting early on. he struggled to teach me how to drive a stick shift, but organized lessons. later i mentioned wanting to be a sahm and again he stepped in and said fine for a while but no to long term. my choice of hours was always based on the kids (no childcare available so tons of shiftwork and weekends when he was available) and he pushed me to go back to school and get my bachelors degree (again i was happy to coast along).
my work was just that a job not a career, nursing is not a grandiose career. but it worked my kids got lots of extra's thanks to my income and i have a decent workplace pension which as of age 57 when we both retired has been very very good.
i've seen many of my age mates struggle at this stage with limited finances AND regret, most of the ones that were sahm have low self esteem at this stage and with the children all adult will say negative comments about not having worked. it's not about income it's about experiences.
unfortunately every time you post about comments this fellow of yours makes it sounds more and more cringeworthy.
The set up you have where the husband makes the important decisions.
this made me a touch nauseous, you see what is important to him might not be important to you and vice versa. he may not see things from your perspective.
an example for you. up until 5-6 years ago my dh did not realize that myself and most of my female friends felt uncomfortable for personal safety reasons in a car park, i can imagine this type of fellow your seeing telling you to park your vehicle at XYZ site and just simply not understanding why you may not want to, and you doing so compromises your safety.

Please don't use the phrase 'career woman'. Unless you would refer to a 'career man'.

And PLEASE stop listening to the idiot who's telling you that men should be in charge / make all the financial decisions. What he's saying is that men are more intellingent / can be trusted with big decisions. ie he's from another era.

Do you think men are more intelligent than women? More able to hold down a responsible job? More able to make serious decisions? More sensible with money?

I'm not aware of any evidence of any of this. Anyone who believes is is just an old fashioned sexist pig. Interesting that he has 'old fashioned' ideas when they suit him, but more modern ideas (expects you to contribute financially) when it suits, too.

This man doesn't respect you as an equal. I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, let alone commit my life to them.

Marry him and you will have a lifetime of not being listened to, being talked down to, disregarded, disrespected... and no doubt doing the 'women's' jobs - housework, parenting, household admin, cooking etc.

He just wants an easy life and he's trying to convince you it's a good idea. Please don't fall for his selfish idiocy.

He says men think with 'facts' and women think with 'feelings' which therefore he believes he should be making the decisions on things that matter - his words

My DC are in their forties now but I stayed at home with them for 10 years, until the youngest started school. I was very lucky that my DH had a reasonably well paid job and that we both had equal access to the family money. I eventually went back to work part time for three years, then full time and finally retired from a very senior position. It may depend on your chosen field, but my ten year break really didn't impact my career or future earnings.