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Original poster

Boyfriend admitted to watching porn

95 replies

lo1801 · 29/05/2023 23:11

Hi all, this is my first thread on here but I wanted some advice. My bf told me a while ago that he had a bit of a battle with a porn addiction when he was young, but he told me he hadn’t watched it in over a year. Tonight he had a “moment of weakness” but also admitted to me that he watched it in March (and therefore lied to me before). Am I being unreasonable if I’m upset? I don’t watch it as it’s never been my type of thing but the thought of my partner watching it makes me feel a bit funny, it seems like a step before cheating to me. Should I have been clearer about my boundaries? I’m just not really sure what to do when I see him tomorrow so any advice would be lovely. He’s my first relationship so I’m a bit stumped on the matter.

OP posts:
MayBeeJuneSoon · 29/05/2023 23:14

What are your 'boundaries'?

Zarataralara · 29/05/2023 23:24

You don’t have to accept it.
He doesn’t have to remain as your bf.
Fwiw I wouldn’t accept it either. DH and I discussed this and other boundaries v early on, 4 th date maybe, so we both knew where we stood.

Original poster
lo1801 · 29/05/2023 23:24

Well I guess no porn was a boundary, but it was a boundary he set himself. I never explicitly set it, he just said it was a boundary he had for himself and so I didn’t think I needed to set it. Although if he was watching it I would’ve wanted to know, and I think that’s the bit that got to me, the fact he lied about it.

OP posts:
holliebo · 29/05/2023 23:29

It's all down to personal boundaries.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with my DP watching "standard" porn so long as we had a healthy sex life and it wasn't interfering with that.

However, if my DP had told me that he had previously battled with a porn addiction in the past, and as a result was supposedly "cold turkey" but had a relapse I'm not sure I'd be hanging around.

It's the past addiction and current lying that would be the issues for me

Gazumper · 29/05/2023 23:39

So he has to confess to you if he watches porn? 😂 You sound a little stifling to be honest. Maybe he didn’t tell you as he was embarrassed that he messed up. Also to say it’s a step before cheating seems a bit far fetched.

silversausage · 29/05/2023 23:43

ooo nawty

holliebo · 29/05/2023 23:47

Gazumper · 29/05/2023 23:39

So he has to confess to you if he watches porn? 😂 You sound a little stifling to be honest. Maybe he didn’t tell you as he was embarrassed that he messed up. Also to say it’s a step before cheating seems a bit far fetched.

I'd usually agree and personally couldn't care less if my DP watches it or not. I occasionally watch myself.

The difference here is that he battled with a previous porn addiction and that's why he supposedly no longer watches at all.

While I'm ok with porn in a relationship, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where there was a porn addiction. Therefore, I'd be more worried about this being the start of a bigger issue.....

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 23:51

Do not waste one second of your life with a man who has an addiction to porn. End it now. Right now. You will bitterly regret it if you don't. FFS, don't fool yourself into believing you can "fix" him.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 30/05/2023 00:17

Was his 'addiction' self diagnosed?

Does he mean he just watched it a lot?

Opentooffers · 30/05/2023 00:20

I don't love that some do, but I wouldn't police it. As long as they don't reflect or emulate things in the bedroom. If it affects how the sex life goes, I'd be out of there.

DramaAlpaca · 30/05/2023 00:24

You're not being at all unreasonable.

My partner watching porn would be a complete and utter dealbreaker for me.

You are entitled to your boundaries. Stick to them.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 30/05/2023 00:51

It's so readily available, click on the phone and there you are

I think many more men watch than we think! I mean, how would we know if they were very discreet?

Satinthemiddle · 30/05/2023 02:04

Oh my ground breaking reason for splitting up
Fgs it's porn it's not like he cheated on you and for you to say it feels like a step towards cheating is just plain silly
loads of people in a relationship watch porn with out their oh knowledge

I find it quite laughable on her the amount of people who say end it he'll never change he must be a sexual deviant because he watches porn
Get over it
People watch porn it's not illegal and yes I agree it isn't for everyone

LadyJ2023 · 30/05/2023 02:06

Personally if you gotta watch porn your out! And besides how do you even know these women girls are actually fully consenting to it aswell!!

LadyJ2023 · 30/05/2023 02:08

And to say its not a form of cheating is ridiculous. Your bringing naked people doing private things into your house by watching it duh. If one of those movies was your neighbours,family bet you wouldn't wtf is wrong with some people.

suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 02:10

I agree @LadyJ2023

A man watching porn is a big turn-off for me. It shows a disrespect for women.

KatyKopykat · 30/05/2023 02:34

silversausage · 29/05/2023 23:43

ooo nawty

Very helpful.

Zanatdy · 30/05/2023 04:52

holliebo · 29/05/2023 23:29

It's all down to personal boundaries.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with my DP watching "standard" porn so long as we had a healthy sex life and it wasn't interfering with that.

However, if my DP had told me that he had previously battled with a porn addiction in the past, and as a result was supposedly "cold turkey" but had a relapse I'm not sure I'd be hanging around.

It's the past addiction and current lying that would be the issues for me

My thoughts too. I dated someone earlier this year who watches a lot of porn. It didn’t bother me and we watched some together but if he’s had a previous addiction I can see the concern. A step before cheating? No I wouldn’t see that at all

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 05:03

Personally I'm ok with my partner watching "standard" porn.

YouAreNotBatman · 30/05/2023 05:51

What is ’standard’ porn anymore these days?
They really pushed boundaries to the extreme.
And what men see as ’standard’ porn, I really wpuldn’t trust their judgment on this, knowing how many men truly hate women. And now fetting off on their abuse.

Usou · 30/05/2023 06:24

I wasn't aware there had been another Puritan revolution.

Good for him recognising it's not something he wants to be doing. Porn may be the only way a teenage lad can sate his curiosity as to what a naked woman looks like, but it sounds like your bf has decided to leave this in the past - apart from an occasional burst of curiosity perhaps?

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:10

Usou · 30/05/2023 06:24

I wasn't aware there had been another Puritan revolution.

Good for him recognising it's not something he wants to be doing. Porn may be the only way a teenage lad can sate his curiosity as to what a naked woman looks like, but it sounds like your bf has decided to leave this in the past - apart from an occasional burst of curiosity perhaps?

There has always been some people on MN with extremely strong anti-porn views, and I don't think they're being helpful at all with their stridency.

OP, you have a basically good man (based on the limited info provided)...

  1. You want a man who's not into porn and recognises that it's damaging, and you've got one... Do not give that up lightly, as there aren't many around!

  2. He's being honest and accountable to you about it when he didn't have to be. He felt guilty about his occasional use and felt he needed to be accountable. That shows an very high level of openness and honesty, and a willingness to be vulnerable, that again is very rare in a man (or a woman for that matter). He never needed to tell you he looked at it in March - but he did. Yes, he's not perfect and did lie by omitting this but it clearly played on his mind.

Yes, I can understand you're a bit upset, but please don't follow the advice of the anti-porn ultras in this thread. If you ditch a man like this who's both anti-porn and open and accountable about his occasional slip ups, you'll likely be kicking yourself for the rest of your life, because men like that are as rare as hen's teeth. You've got a good guy here!

Besides the fact he's tempted by porn shows he is "normal" sexually...Any man who doesn't find porn tempting is very likely highly repressed or has a low libido - neither of which are healthy.

As for it being the first step to cheating, I think that's very far fetched, and he wouldn't be telling you if that was the way things were heading.

sweettooth22 · 30/05/2023 07:15

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guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:17

And seriously, any woman who thinks that the vast majority of single teenage/early 20s guys without any other sexual outlet isn't looking at porn is deluded.

If any of you want to find a man who's never looked at porn and he's been young and single since free porn has been a click away on your phone, then you're going to be looking at a very very long time, and frankly I wouldn't trust a guy who said he hasn't as he's very likely just saying it to avoid being dumped.

HappyKoala56 · 30/05/2023 07:18

holliebo · 29/05/2023 23:29

It's all down to personal boundaries.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with my DP watching "standard" porn so long as we had a healthy sex life and it wasn't interfering with that.

However, if my DP had told me that he had previously battled with a porn addiction in the past, and as a result was supposedly "cold turkey" but had a relapse I'm not sure I'd be hanging around.

It's the past addiction and current lying that would be the issues for me

This