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Original poster

Boyfriend admitted to watching porn

95 replies

lo1801 · 29/05/2023 23:11

Hi all, this is my first thread on here but I wanted some advice. My bf told me a while ago that he had a bit of a battle with a porn addiction when he was young, but he told me he hadn’t watched it in over a year. Tonight he had a “moment of weakness” but also admitted to me that he watched it in March (and therefore lied to me before). Am I being unreasonable if I’m upset? I don’t watch it as it’s never been my type of thing but the thought of my partner watching it makes me feel a bit funny, it seems like a step before cheating to me. Should I have been clearer about my boundaries? I’m just not really sure what to do when I see him tomorrow so any advice would be lovely. He’s my first relationship so I’m a bit stumped on the matter.

OP posts:
Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 12:24

All men watch porn. I know plenty of people that watch it as a couple as a turn on before sex. You seem quite young and naive tbh. Mu ex husband sometimes watched porn and we did watch it together at times. At least he’s being open and honest with you. There are some really uptight people on here and they aren’t representative of the general public. I wanted to provide a more balanced view. It goes without saying that a mean soft porn. No violence, animals etc. I’ve been to a sex show in Amsterdam and with my husband at the time. It was soft porn again and a great night out.

CuriouslyDifferent · 30/05/2023 12:25

ArthurBloom · 30/05/2023 12:17

Absolutely, some of these women are utterly delusional.
I work in IT and every single household and every computer/device I've ever had to fix has had a history of porn on it.
Your husband watches it, you just haven't found out.
Worked in IT for over 7 years and must have worked on thousands of devices and I promise you, every single one.

Show quote history

100% spot on.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:27

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 12:24

All men watch porn. I know plenty of people that watch it as a couple as a turn on before sex. You seem quite young and naive tbh. Mu ex husband sometimes watched porn and we did watch it together at times. At least he’s being open and honest with you. There are some really uptight people on here and they aren’t representative of the general public. I wanted to provide a more balanced view. It goes without saying that a mean soft porn. No violence, animals etc. I’ve been to a sex show in Amsterdam and with my husband at the time. It was soft porn again and a great night out.

Who needs enemies with friends like these. Don't you see any issues with the porn and sex industry as a female?

guineacup · 30/05/2023 12:27

however in this case Op, the lies are the red line for you I guess. If it’s such a no no for you and he has stepped over the line, and then lied multiple times, that’s your perogative to end things.

Obviously lies are bad in a relationship... But, the OP's DP admitted to something he needn't have and could have easily remained hidden forever, and involved a one-off viewing of some porn in March.

For those of you who think the reaction to such an admission is to terminate the relationship, then how do you ever think you will get honesty from your man?

Your unforgiving attitude will mean you will always distrust him.

pendleflyer · 30/05/2023 12:27

guineacup · 30/05/2023 09:46

Reading this thread I'm reminded of the Billy Joel song 'Honesty'... and reflected at how bang on the lyrics were.

Who would be honest about their failings given what people have written on this thread!

am afraid there's a whiff of Victorian values about many of the responses.
Good old victorians, beyond reproach. Ditto church and priests. Who said repression is dead?

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:28

guineacup · 30/05/2023 12:27

however in this case Op, the lies are the red line for you I guess. If it’s such a no no for you and he has stepped over the line, and then lied multiple times, that’s your perogative to end things.

Obviously lies are bad in a relationship... But, the OP's DP admitted to something he needn't have and could have easily remained hidden forever, and involved a one-off viewing of some porn in March.

For those of you who think the reaction to such an admission is to terminate the relationship, then how do you ever think you will get honesty from your man?

Your unforgiving attitude will mean you will always distrust him.

I think it's wise for most women to distrust most men.

This thread and the attitudes to widespread objectification and degradation prove that.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 12:31

Anotherricecake there’s a big different between two consenting adults doing what they want in their own home and the sex industry lol.

pendleflyer · 30/05/2023 12:36

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:28

I think it's wise for most women to distrust most men.

This thread and the attitudes to widespread objectification and degradation prove that.

Show quote history

>>This thread and the attitudes to widespread objectification and degradation prove that

begs questions.
You ever been objectified?
Ever wanted to be?
Do you think women don't objectify men?

CuriouslyDifferent · 30/05/2023 12:38

guineacup · 30/05/2023 12:27

however in this case Op, the lies are the red line for you I guess. If it’s such a no no for you and he has stepped over the line, and then lied multiple times, that’s your perogative to end things.

Obviously lies are bad in a relationship... But, the OP's DP admitted to something he needn't have and could have easily remained hidden forever, and involved a one-off viewing of some porn in March.

For those of you who think the reaction to such an admission is to terminate the relationship, then how do you ever think you will get honesty from your man?

Your unforgiving attitude will mean you will always distrust him.

Personally I view the lies as more hurtful than the porn watching.

And clearly the OP is hurt by the lies.

I think any guy who commits to a relationship where it’s stated anti porn stance is required then breaks it, lies about it, then gets caught and fesses up about another incident…. Well.. it’s approaching end of relationship anyway.

I personally would ponder on the requirement of being anti porn, and probably decline the relationship in the knowledge that it would be an unreasonable committment to ask of most men - and make for me. I suspect the guy involved probably thought it wouldn’t matter long term and perhaps even meant well to eradicate it. But addicts are addicts and say a lot of stuff and sometimes mean some of it too.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:38

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 12:31

Anotherricecake there’s a big different between two consenting adults doing what they want in their own home and the sex industry lol.

"Lol" obvs

I know that. Consenting adults can knock themselves out in terms of what they do consensually to each other in their own home. But by watching porn you have no idea what's behind (or could be behind) most of it do you (unless you know the maker). And obvs really don't care.

I know several women (from school and beyond) who've ended up in the sex industry - porn, prostitution, etc. I'm not naive enough to think it's every single one before someone replies with how empowering and wonderful it is (only fans etc) but it's genuinely every single one I've known personally. One used to work in a peep show in soho many years ago. Not a pretty background or life (she's no longer with us). But consumers don't care. It's an almost sociopathic not caring too at times.

Collateral damage. Lol.

Begonne · 30/05/2023 12:44

You don’t need crowd approval for your boundaries.

If no porn and no lies are important to you, you don’t need anyone’s permission to end a relationship.

In fact you can walk away from any relationship if something bothers you. Why would you settle for less anything less? The secret to a long and happy partnership is finding someone whose values are compatible with yours; not trying to overlook obvious problems that emerge early on.

Greycloudlooming · 30/05/2023 12:56

The more I read about men on here and the minimal standards women accept from them, the more I want to be single!

OP. No right or wrong. You have YOUR boundaries and they are valid despite what anyone will tell you.

Greycloudlooming · 30/05/2023 12:57

Begonne · 30/05/2023 12:44

You don’t need crowd approval for your boundaries.

If no porn and no lies are important to you, you don’t need anyone’s permission to end a relationship.

In fact you can walk away from any relationship if something bothers you. Why would you settle for less anything less? The secret to a long and happy partnership is finding someone whose values are compatible with yours; not trying to overlook obvious problems that emerge early on.

You said it better than me.

LaPerduta · 30/05/2023 12:59

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:17

And seriously, any woman who thinks that the vast majority of single teenage/early 20s guys without any other sexual outlet isn't looking at porn is deluded.

If any of you want to find a man who's never looked at porn and he's been young and single since free porn has been a click away on your phone, then you're going to be looking at a very very long time, and frankly I wouldn't trust a guy who said he hasn't as he's very likely just saying it to avoid being dumped.

I think you can remove "teenage/early 20s" from that sentence!

Emfrancesca · 30/05/2023 13:03

Personally it doesn't bother me if my other half watches standard porn but admittedly he only does it if there is a reason we can't have sex and it's been a while e.g after giving birth/having a c section.

YouJustDoYou · 30/05/2023 13:04

It's something that turns people on. It's a bad teaching material for young boys (and some men). But most males (and a lot of females, I would imagine) watch it. Also, as pp have said, depends on what kindof vids it is. Smacking/beating/choking/rape gets him off? Huge, HUGE red flags! Women wearing tights gets him off? - not so bad, obviously!

SirVixofVixHall · 30/05/2023 13:09

Gazumper · 29/05/2023 23:39

So he has to confess to you if he watches porn? 😂 You sound a little stifling to be honest. Maybe he didn’t tell you as he was embarrassed that he messed up. Also to say it’s a step before cheating seems a bit far fetched.

So not wanting someone to watch something that perpetuates violence and abuse of women and girls, and reduces women to commodities, is “stifling” ..

OP how old are you both ? Porn is addictive, but if he is serious about stopping then he just needs to stop. Lying about it obviously is bad. I would also lose any respect and affection for a man who was “whoops I did it again” whether that was drugs, alcohol issues or porn.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 13:33

Nevertheless anotherricecake if people want to watch porn in their own homes that their business. If a man wants to watch porn that’s up to him. That’s why we have free will. I haven’t commented on the sex industry in general. I don’t need or want a lecture from you on something I am fully aware of.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 13:36

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 13:33

Nevertheless anotherricecake if people want to watch porn in their own homes that their business. If a man wants to watch porn that’s up to him. That’s why we have free will. I haven’t commented on the sex industry in general. I don’t need or want a lecture from you on something I am fully aware of.

Last time I looked this was a discussion forum. and this discussion is around porn usage. Free will and all that to say what one wants.

Was hardly a lecture directed at you. "Lol"

EarthSight · 30/05/2023 13:36

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 05:03

Personally I'm ok with my partner watching "standard" porn.

When was the last time you logged onto the big giants of standard porn? Places like Pornhub? They are now predominately full of referenced to bitches, whores, teens, choking and anal. This is now standard porn I'm afraid.

Emmamoo89 · 30/05/2023 13:38

Wouldn't bother me. I've watched porn with my partner.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 13:38

anotherricecake bet your a barrel of laughs irl. Im leaving this thread now as I can’t block you specifically.

oreo2020 · 30/05/2023 13:41

Not a big deal at all.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 13:42

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 13:38

anotherricecake bet your a barrel of laughs irl. Im leaving this thread now as I can’t block you specifically.

I am pretty funny irl, Yeah!

Just my idea of fun (or sexy) doesn't involve the casual normalised abuse of women and girls. Call me old fashioned.

guineacup · 30/05/2023 13:46

@EarthSight

When was the last time you logged onto the big giants of standard porn? Places like Pornhub? They are now predominately full of referenced to bitches, whores, teens, choking and anal. This is now standard porn I'm afraid.

For someone against porn you seem very knowledgeable about the contents of Pornhub 🤔

Yes, there's a lot of properly nasty stuff... I admit I've watched porn - not proud of it but there you are - and there's lots of "standard" stuff on there of normal but hot sex. The nasty stuff turns me off completely, as I expect it does many for people, even if there's plenty of it.