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Original poster

Boyfriend admitted to watching porn

95 replies

lo1801 · 29/05/2023 23:11

Hi all, this is my first thread on here but I wanted some advice. My bf told me a while ago that he had a bit of a battle with a porn addiction when he was young, but he told me he hadn’t watched it in over a year. Tonight he had a “moment of weakness” but also admitted to me that he watched it in March (and therefore lied to me before). Am I being unreasonable if I’m upset? I don’t watch it as it’s never been my type of thing but the thought of my partner watching it makes me feel a bit funny, it seems like a step before cheating to me. Should I have been clearer about my boundaries? I’m just not really sure what to do when I see him tomorrow so any advice would be lovely. He’s my first relationship so I’m a bit stumped on the matter.

OP posts:
ExhaustedAlready · 30/05/2023 07:23

He had an addiction.

It's not a normal situation.

It's akin to a recovered alcoholic slipping up and having a few shots of vodka, would people be saying 'oh why are you being so uppity? Everyone has a drink on a Saturday night, it's normal, leave the poor bloke alone'?!

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:26

MayBeeJuneSoon · 30/05/2023 00:17

Was his 'addiction' self diagnosed?

Does he mean he just watched it a lot?

Exactly. It probably just means he watched a lot when he was young and single, realised that it's not healthy, and has stopped.

A lot of the attitudes on here provide compelling reasons why men shouldn't be honest like this guy has been.

After what I have read, would I advise a friend to speak to their partner admitting to having looked at porn? Hell no!

By attempting to be honest and open, and admitting that he isn't perfect and slips up occasionally, he's put his relationship in serious jeopardy. If the OP dumps him for this, this guy who clearly wants an honest and accountable relationship, will never be as open and honest again.

If you want openness and honesty, you have to be forgiving.

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:28

Porn is disgusting, disrectful and most of them are trafficked and raped

Much as a dislike porn, this isn't true.

Lcb123 · 30/05/2023 07:29

Saying it’s one step before cheating is a bit ridiculous. At least he told you and is being honest. Wouldn’t bother me as long as wasn’t impacting negatively on your intimacy

Bearpawk · 30/05/2023 07:31

Lol @ the amount of holier-than-thou
-LTB women on here who have no idea that their husbands secretly watch porn.

pinksheetss · 30/05/2023 07:33

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:17

And seriously, any woman who thinks that the vast majority of single teenage/early 20s guys without any other sexual outlet isn't looking at porn is deluded.

If any of you want to find a man who's never looked at porn and he's been young and single since free porn has been a click away on your phone, then you're going to be looking at a very very long time, and frankly I wouldn't trust a guy who said he hasn't as he's very likely just saying it to avoid being dumped.

This!

Most men watch porn, there's a high chance your partner is lying to you if he's telling you he never has/doesn't now.
Large amount of women do too

Divebar2021 · 30/05/2023 07:36

It didn’t take long for the cool wives allegation to be thrown around ( nb. This is just people with different views). I don’t know OP… where did the word “addiction” come from? Has a therapist or medical professional made that diagnosis?

You are of course perfectly entitled to whatever boundary you like but I doubt you’re going to find a young man nowadays who doesn’t access porn because it’s so easy. I’m not saying that’s good but it must be quite difficult to resist. What other qualities does this person have? How does he make you feel otherwise ( Is he respectful?) How would you want mistakes or errors on your behalf to be treated by him?

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:37

Bearpawk · 30/05/2023 07:31

Lol @ the amount of holier-than-thou
-LTB women on here who have no idea that their husbands secretly watch porn.

Of course they'll be secrecy if they know that an honest admission of a slip up will mean a massive blow up and the end of the relationship.

They're creating the conditions where honesty and openness becomes impossible, and then will feel betrayed when they find their partner is hiding stuff from them. No shit Sherlock.

I dislike porn and how it distorts sex and think it's use can be damaging to a relationship, but the zero-tolerance attitude exhibited on this thread that seriously inhibits openness and honesty in a relationship is FAR more damaging in my opinion.

Guavafish1 · 30/05/2023 07:39

He has an addiction... unfortunately it's to porn. This will be a life long issue with moments of weakness or major relapses.

Its good he is honest with you to some degree. But as with some addicts they may not reveal their true level of weakness. Was it a quick clip he watched or all night?

I personally will call time on the relationship as its exhausting being in a relationship with most people, but with someone with an addiction it's worse. The addiction becomes the 3rd person in the relationship.

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:55

Guavafish1 · 30/05/2023 07:39

He has an addiction... unfortunately it's to porn. This will be a life long issue with moments of weakness or major relapses.

Its good he is honest with you to some degree. But as with some addicts they may not reveal their true level of weakness. Was it a quick clip he watched or all night?

I personally will call time on the relationship as its exhausting being in a relationship with most people, but with someone with an addiction it's worse. The addiction becomes the 3rd person in the relationship.

It's almost certainly a self-diagnosed addiction, not a medically-diagnosed one.

It could mean that he was holed up in his room for hours on end missing work and losing friends as his porn use become all consuming, and akin to alcoholism.

Or it could mean that he used it most days for a few minutes as his default means to orgasm, more of a habit that he felt tempted to repeat (because the rush would be greater than using imagination alone) than an addiction.

The first would be concerning, the second less so. I'm guessing the second is much more likely.

Satinthemiddle · 30/05/2023 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yet another pearl necklace person
Before you jump to assumptions
I am not a "cool wife"
In fact I'm not even female

And as for the actress being forced and raped what utter nonsense they are very well paid performers and a lot of them actually enjoy what they do

Gazumper · 30/05/2023 08:32

guineacup · 30/05/2023 07:10

There has always been some people on MN with extremely strong anti-porn views, and I don't think they're being helpful at all with their stridency.

OP, you have a basically good man (based on the limited info provided)...

  1. You want a man who's not into porn and recognises that it's damaging, and you've got one... Do not give that up lightly, as there aren't many around!

  2. He's being honest and accountable to you about it when he didn't have to be. He felt guilty about his occasional use and felt he needed to be accountable. That shows an very high level of openness and honesty, and a willingness to be vulnerable, that again is very rare in a man (or a woman for that matter). He never needed to tell you he looked at it in March - but he did. Yes, he's not perfect and did lie by omitting this but it clearly played on his mind.

Yes, I can understand you're a bit upset, but please don't follow the advice of the anti-porn ultras in this thread. If you ditch a man like this who's both anti-porn and open and accountable about his occasional slip ups, you'll likely be kicking yourself for the rest of your life, because men like that are as rare as hen's teeth. You've got a good guy here!

Besides the fact he's tempted by porn shows he is "normal" sexually...Any man who doesn't find porn tempting is very likely highly repressed or has a low libido - neither of which are healthy.

As for it being the first step to cheating, I think that's very far fetched, and he wouldn't be telling you if that was the way things were heading.

Show quote history

This ☝🏻
Very eloquently put too.

herewegooagain · 30/05/2023 09:10

I was with an ex who had a prom addiction. It's ruined my mental health and I still have therapy for it . It's ruined all my relationships after him because it's took away my confidence and trust

You have a problem with porn. That's fine, that's your boundary. Doesn't mean everyone else in the world who doesn't should be berated because of your personal experience. People's lives have been ruined because a loved one has been killed in a car crash, it doesn't mean cars should be made illegal as a result.

guineacup · 30/05/2023 09:46

Reading this thread I'm reminded of the Billy Joel song 'Honesty'... and reflected at how bang on the lyrics were.

Who would be honest about their failings given what people have written on this thread!

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 09:47

As I see it... and trying not to be biased here...

Most men do use porn, whether they are honest about it or not

Some men have a big issue with it - whether he was addicted is debatable. Is it addictive or is that common parlance now for "enjoyed it often" and sometimes "to hell with any consequences of that". Not sure.

Porn has problems in terms of the ethics of some production, issues it causes in relationships, etc. Some see it as fundamentally problematic and degrading etc however it is made, and some don't

Many, but not all, women have an issue with it for personal or political reasons

If there is a mismatch in attitudes to porn it will cause issues in your relationship, unless one of you changes your attitude (unlikely)

He might be being honest and that might be to be commended. He might not be being that honest, you'll never really know

Depends now on how big an issue it is for you

I've dealt with this in previous relationships and am currently in a relationship where my partner claims not to be watching it despite him doing so most of his life. Do I believe him? Not 100%.

I am pretty anti porn. Always have been. But I am also realistic and don't think that every man who watches it is a monster. It's so normalised to them. I think the whole situation now is pretty grim but it is where we are. That's not defeatist, just trying to be more pragmatic in my own response to men. I've had partners who were definitely not watching it, one who lied a lot about it, others I suspect lied a bit about it, this one.... I don't know. I'm tempted to believe he might be trying not to but like yours, might slip up on occasion.

If I was somehow made aware of huge lies and dissonance it could be relationship ending; honesty I do appreciate though.

It's difficult. Feel for you. Just know this is something many women are having to wrangle with one way or another.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 09:52

In terms of cheating. I don't think it's quite cheating. Users certainly wouldn't feel like it was cheating.

To me, the lies and subterfuge might feel like it, but not totally sure if it's being unfaithful. But it's how you feel about it. I think if I found out mine had never actually stopped or cut down at all when he now seems quite critical of porn at times would be a sackable offence - would feel hoodwinked. The odd slip up maybe I could handle.

I do think interacting with anyone is - virtually or not. Cams etc. of course that is cheating for the majority of people (not all).

Shivvy120 · 30/05/2023 10:03

You don't need to put up with this. If he can't respect your boundaries, that's on him, you can respect yourself by breaking this off if you want to.
Some will say porn is ok and if they're ok with it then that's fine but if you're not, do not accept a standard less than what you truly deserve.

guineacup · 30/05/2023 10:24

To me, the lies and subterfuge might feel like it, but not totally sure if it's being unfaithful.

He's been honest and up front about his lapse, when he didn't need to be. That's hardly subterfuge! The message to men is clear... "don't be honest about any failings, you will pay a heavy price!"

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 10:46

guineacup · 30/05/2023 10:24

To me, the lies and subterfuge might feel like it, but not totally sure if it's being unfaithful.

He's been honest and up front about his lapse, when he didn't need to be. That's hardly subterfuge! The message to men is clear... "don't be honest about any failings, you will pay a heavy price!"

I meant in a general situation around porn and lies in a relationship, not necessarily this man.

He may well be honest here and I agree that's to be welcomed.

The cynic in me says that many men will only tell part of the truth when it comes to porn, and other issues related to sexuality. Unless my experience (and that of many women I know) is anomalous 😀

Babdoc · 30/05/2023 11:18

I’m interested that your only beef with his porn issue is the fear that it will lead to cheating.
I would be much more concerned to find that I was apparently in a relationship with a man who enjoys and gets off on watching the abuse and humiliation of women.

guineacup · 30/05/2023 12:02

Babdoc · 30/05/2023 11:18

I’m interested that your only beef with his porn issue is the fear that it will lead to cheating.
I would be much more concerned to find that I was apparently in a relationship with a man who enjoys and gets off on watching the abuse and humiliation of women.

Lots of porn doesn't involve the abuse and humiliation of women... Characterising all porn as extreme is as wrong as saying all porn is just harmless images of tits and bums.

CuriouslyDifferent · 30/05/2023 12:16

All men watch porn unless they have an addiction problem and are battling it.

Dont forget porn is a spectrum ranging from Game of thrones through to vile hard stuff and then men a visual creatures.

Don’t forget that a lot of adverts also use sex to sell.

so in that mind - unlike an acoholic if who refuses to go in a bar, an ex porn addict is given little tasters by just watching commercials or tv programmes, TikTok etc.

if you think your non addict partner doesn’t watch porn - sorry for breaking your reality.

however in this case Op, the lies are the red line for you I guess. If it’s such a no no for you and he has stepped over the line, and then lied multiple times, that’s your perogative to end things.

ArthurBloom · 30/05/2023 12:17

Bearpawk · 30/05/2023 07:31

Lol @ the amount of holier-than-thou
-LTB women on here who have no idea that their husbands secretly watch porn.

Absolutely, some of these women are utterly delusional.
I work in IT and every single household and every computer/device I've ever had to fix has had a history of porn on it.
Your husband watches it, you just haven't found out.
Worked in IT for over 7 years and must have worked on thousands of devices and I promise you, every single one.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:22

@ArthurBloom

That's not true. Majority. Not every one of thousands.

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:23

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:22

@ArthurBloom

That's not true. Majority. Not every one of thousands.

And if so do we just give up on the chance of any men having any scruples at all about porn?

We all need to just be "meh"

I believe most men lie about it. But not 100% of those that say they don't watch it.