Boyfriend admitted to watching porn

[lo1801]

Hi all, this is my first thread on here but I wanted some advice. My bf told me a while ago that he had a bit of a battle with a porn addiction when he was young, but he told me he hadn’t watched it in over a year. Tonight he had a “moment of weakness” but also admitted to me that he watched it in March (and therefore lied to me before). Am I being unreasonable if I’m upset? I don’t watch it as it’s never been my type of thing but the thought of my partner watching it makes me feel a bit funny, it seems like a step before cheating to me. Should I have been clearer about my boundaries? I’m just not really sure what to do when I see him tomorrow so any advice would be lovely. He’s my first relationship so I’m a bit stumped on the matter.

Interested to know why you mention you're not proud of it? Genuinely.

You seem to be pragmatic about peoples usage and, actually, despite my feelings generally about porn, I do believe many many users don't watch violent or really deliberately degrading stuff. Unlike some people who thinks that's what it's all about.

So if you don't watch the nasty stuff, and you think it's a regular thing for all men to do... why would you say you're not proud of yourself for it?

I'm not having a go, genuinely interested in how you think about it.

Am I being unreasonable if I’m upset

Feelings aren't unreasonable. Actions are. So, if you feel upset about something, anything, that's fine. If you put all his clothes in a bin liner, burn them, and stamp on his computer games because you're upset, that's unreasonable.

Your job is to offer yourself a life where you feel comfortable, content, safe. If something makes you feel something negative, you need to deal with it in a way that respects you. That's boundaries sorted. Something upsets you, you say so. If someone persists in doing it, then they demonstrate to you that doing it is more important to them than you feeling ok. And that's fine, it's up to them. But by doing so, they define themselves as not being one of 'your people'. They don't get to stay in your life long term, they don't get access to more of your feelings, because you know that they are comfortable dismissing them.

You don't get happy by dismissing, or even judging your own feelings. You get happy by being led by what makes you feel happy, in a way that feels respectful to you.

My DH has had a couple of bouts of watching porn. It always coincides with him being a bit shit in bed. Hard to explain but all about the holes would cover it. He doesn't particularly like porn so stopped about a decade ago and hasn't done it since.

Well he basically lied to you about doing something he knew you'd not be happy with, but indulged himself with none the less. And then he also did it again.
And is framing it as some kind of past addiction.

Which is probably diagnosed by him, so he can excuse it every so often as a relapse when he's found out. Call me cynical, but heard this sort of shite so many times.

I'd just cut my losses and get rid over the lying because talking to him about how you feel will likely be pointless. He'll just hide it and then tell you if you stumble across it as having another relapse, poor lamb. So you'll not be mad but instead feel sorry for him having this horrible 'addiction' where he has to watch other naked women, quite possibly being abused on occasion too.

If your boundary is no porn in a relationship, then thats what it is. he can either respect that (and you) or leave. Not all men watch porn op, contratary to what mumsnet will have you believe.

For someone against porn you seem very knowledgeable about the contents of Pornhub

So predictable. Honestly embarrassed for you. You all think you've just GOT the other person by saying that 😂

I don’t care if my DP occasionally watches porn, I sometimes do! But agree that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had a porn addiction.

You may notice I said absolutely nothing about the morals or scrupulousness of watching it.
OP is perfectly fine to have her own boundaries around it, her partner is fine to do the same.
I am merely trying to just let her know that is is extremely common.

How 0ld are you op?

Agree with anotherricecake
I despair at the world my teenage daughters are growing up in, and what the boys they may date in the future will have been watching.

I mean they have a point though?
You seem to think you know what they are all full of for some reason

I don't seem to know. I do know. It's not rocket science is it? It's not a password protected website and available for everyone.

And stop it with the tiresome faux, passive aggressive naivete. 'for some reason'.....lol. 🙄

What I find amusing is that any time a woman displays any knowledge about this topic, it's almost like you don't like the fact that we actually do know what we're talking about. The only way how you and others know to handle that is by trying to embarrass or shame women like me, asking ooooo, how ever did I know these things? It's just so terribly predictable 🥱

@pinksheetss

I'm unsure if you are being serious or if you realise how hypocritical your post comes off in a number of ways @EarthSight
Are you logging on porn hub for market research then or? How often are you doing it if you know it's regularly full of that?

Not trying to shake anyone, if you are clicking on to watch porn then have it! If you are clicking on to find ways to shake those who do watch it then I think you need a hobby maybe

@pinksheetss As with the other poster, you've made assumptions based on not very much, probably because you feel judged and your defensiveness is impacting your ability to read.

My original post was actually me asserting that standard porn contains mostly a certain type of content.

It doesn't mean that everyone who watches this type of porn enjoys or is looking for that content, but it is the majority of the content. Whether you like that type of content, or you don't like it, or you think watching porn is fine, or you don't think is fine, the fact remains that this is what the main content is.

Nah I don't feel judged at all, so maybe that's a wrong assumption on your end 😕

You've ignored any question asked so I will leave it at that but you enjoy your evening

@pinksheetss I've not answered it because how I know is irrelevant. The main issue with yourself and others is that women like me do know at all.

This

This thread seems to have been side tracked somewhat, but it terms of types of porn the stats are out there in terms of viewing habits of men vs women for anyone to google and extreme or violent porn is clearly not in the most searched for stats for men, its stuff like girl/girl, milfs etc, for women its also girl/girl and male gay porn, so to imply violent or exteme porn is what most people are watching is misleading at best.

Regarding op - porn addiction needs counselling. If indeed its an addiction impacting his normal life? But youre well within your rights to walk away obviously whatever you decide.

I do find the comments somewhat confusing here about porn or masturbating being cheating though. Im happily married and masturbate from time to time. As do most adults in relationships, its perfectly normal and shouldn't be shamed! Sometimes i just want a quick play, or dh at work or i just dont want sex but want to get off. I assumed in 2023 that was ok! Ive got a bedroom draw with sex toys, well 2 anyway, again as most women with partners do! I dont get why we're all pretending that if we're in relationships we or our partners dont masturbate? Its normal. There's nothing disgusting about it so please can we stop shaming these things or pretending it isnt the case. I dont broadcast the fact that ive got off on my own to dh and im sure when hes alone he does the same.

And for those saying their partners dont watch porn or find it disgusting thats fine but how do you know? Im assuming they dont do it when youre in the same room? Men tend to use photos or videos to get off alone so what are they viewing? Or are you saying they never masturbate which seems highly unlikely. And yes men tend to watch more porn, i think its something 64% men vs 26% women regarding porn viewing but we clearly use different stimulus (in general) so it makes sense. Personally i occasionally watch porn but mostly its erotic fan fic or fantasy play with a toy. Men dont tend to use toys etc.

A healthy relationship can include some solo 'me time' for both partners. The only issue I'd have is if there's an actual porn addiction or extreme viewing, that would obviously negatively effect our relationship.

Thing is what do people classify as an addiction? Once a week, 5 times a week, multiple times a day? Addiction is a very subjective word when people say they wouldn't be happy with an addiction !!

Addiction isn't to do with how often you do something. Someone who smokes 5 a day can be just as addicted as someone who smokes 40 a day.

It's to do with the level/lack of control.