Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blended family advice

60 replies

Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 16:55

Hi first time posting anything on here but desperate for some advice please. Apologies for the long post.

I have an 11 year old son, who lives with me and has alternate weekends with myself and his dad (we have been separated and had this pattern for years).

I have been with current partner for just over a year - he has a son the same age as mine. We now have our boys on the same weekends, but each have our own houses.

For a little while now when it's our weekends together all of us have the Friday & Saturday at mine as it's bigger. However the last few times it has been nothing but stress, due to both boys arguing and messing about non stop, especially late at night.

I know kids will be kids but am finding the whole situation draining as I seem to spend the whole weekend telling both boys off and trying to sort things out between them to keep the peace. Have tried things like set bedtimes, taking phones off them etc but literally find there is always something for them to fall out over and disagree on. They unfortunately have to share a bedroom when we're all together as only have two bedrooms and they were sharing my sons double bed but that became impossible for them to share without falling out so now SS has a blowup bed.

I am just wondering if others have similar problems? And is it normal to constantly have to tell the kids off, I know I can't force them to get on but it seems things are just getting worse every time they see each other and to be honest it makes me dread our weekends together instead of look forward to them!

My partner does tell his son off too, it isn't just left to me but we both have different parenting styles. My son is by no means an angel but there are certain things SS says just to wind him up, or generally just knows how to push his buttons.

I'm wondering if I can have a future with my partner but feel why should we split up just because our kids don't always get on, feels a bit pathetic. But also partner has now said he's not sure we could ever live together which I agree with, it would be a nightmare.

I'm not really sure what to do, is it normal? Is it wrong to suggest not having our weekends together anymore? But then I feel like that's giving in to the kids as partner and I then see each other less. Just not sure what to do for the best.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 29/05/2023 16:58

Too soon to blend.

I can’t believe you expected your son to share his double bed with your partner’s son. I couldn’t have dealt with this at 11.

TheOrigRights · 29/05/2023 16:58

One year dating is very soon to be regarding yourselves as a blended family.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 29/05/2023 16:58

Can you swap weekends with your ex so the kids don’t have to spend weekends together?
So maybe you go to your partner’s place when your son is with his dad and your partner comes to your place when his son is with his mum.
That doesn’t mean the kids never ever spend any time together but it could be the exception rather than the rule.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 17:05

Carryonkeepinggoing the problem is that I work the weekends that my son is with his dad, it's my shift pattern. My partners and my weekends didn't match up before, we actually changed them so we both had our boys on the same weekends. Probably not the best move!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 17:07

HermioneKipper I didn't realise it would be so much of an issue as it was both of their idea when we discussed staying at mine. They were fine to begin with but I can see now that it isn't fair.

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 29/05/2023 17:13

My mum moved us in with her boyfriend and we had lots of crossover weekends.

It definitely wasn’t plain sailing.

I would think very carefully before you do this.

Its affected my relationship with my mum to this day that she chose living with a bloke over her relationship with me.

Im still agog at the sharing the double bed.

At the very least you need a bigger house

IncomingTraffic · 29/05/2023 17:13

I think what you need to do is to pull back and not have them stay over any longer. It’s not working.

Maybe you can spend some time together but go back to your respective houses and let the boys have their own space.

It’s OK to recognise that you couldn’t live together as a blended family. Much better to pay attention to the issues now - because they’d be a million times worse if you actually lived together. You have different parenting styles and the boys wind each other up.

There’s a living apart together thread in step parenting. It might be a good idea to read it and consider not living with your partner for the next nearly decade at least.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2023 17:14

They’ve been staying a bed? That’s insane and incredibly inappropriate. If this was going on at his dad’s house would you be alright with it?

Why would it be pathetic to split up because your children don’t get on? Your son is having his home, even his room, invaded by a person he probably wouldn’t choose as a friend and who he hasn’t even known very long. You’re asking waaaaay too much of him and I’m not surprised he’s unsettled. The weekends he’s with you he never gets you to himself, he’s probably more unhappy than he’s letting on. Don’t you miss just being the two of you sometimes?

JulieHoney · 29/05/2023 17:20

I think separating on the weekends with the boys is better for now. Longer term if you and your partner are going to be together you will need to get a place with a bedroom each for them. Living on top of one another is bound to cause friction.

My brother and I had to share a room for 6 months during renovations and we were at each other’s throats, similar ages.

RelaxingClassics · 29/05/2023 17:21

It is not on to ask your child to share his room with a stranger let alone his bed. Just imagine for a second how you would feel if an arrangement like this was imposed upon you. You might love your partner but his son is noone to your son.

Had you perhaps taken things way more slowly and respected your child's (and your partner's son's) right to space and privacy and to build a relationship in their own time, they might not be so angry with each other. Remember that his son will resent that your son sees his dad probably more than he does -and even if he doesn't he might not truly understand your set up. This can have a massive impact on children and young teens.

MrsKeats · 29/05/2023 17:23

I cannot believe that you thought sharing a bed was appropriate Confused

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 17:26

RelaxingClassics the boys were introduced to each other last July, it was a mutual agreement between my partner and I. It seemed the right time for them to meet each other. The sharing a room thing didn't happen until late Autumn last year and did work ok initially. But definitely seems to be a problem now.

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 29/05/2023 17:31

If they were siblings there would probably be fighting too but we aren't there so don't know if it's the normal amount.

I think that you need to live separately until you can afford a 3 bed. Sharing a double bed was inevitably going to be risky and this is the age when they are grateful for some space sometimes.

3girls1boy1puppy · 29/05/2023 17:32

I would spend every other weekend in your own homes with your own sons. Arrange to meet up for an activity or a meal some weekends during the day, but then go back to your own homes. Further down the line if you want to live together, then you need to get a 3 bedroom place so the boys can each have their own space.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 17:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2023 17:14

They’ve been staying a bed? That’s insane and incredibly inappropriate. If this was going on at his dad’s house would you be alright with it?

Why would it be pathetic to split up because your children don’t get on? Your son is having his home, even his room, invaded by a person he probably wouldn’t choose as a friend and who he hasn’t even known very long. You’re asking waaaaay too much of him and I’m not surprised he’s unsettled. The weekends he’s with you he never gets you to himself, he’s probably more unhappy than he’s letting on. Don’t you miss just being the two of you sometimes?

Absolutely, you have hit the nail on the head. I really miss our time just us two as it's very scarce now anyway. My shifts at work mean that DS stays with his dad the night before as I start at 7am. And I have a couple of those on weekdays so of course feel as though we hardly see each other.

I guess I need to be more forceful with my partner as he doesn't seem to think I might want time just me and my son, as he doesn't mind about having time just him and his son. I haven't been in a situation like this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 17:40

IncomingTraffic · 29/05/2023 17:15

This thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

It will, at least, give you some insight into how what might seem like small issues now can become a nightmare.

Thank you, that's really helpful.

I haven't been in a situation like this before so was completely lost at what to do.

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 29/05/2023 17:43

he doesn't mind about having time just him and his son

that is a red flag OP that his general parenting values don’t really align with yours, and you’re having to make compromises you’re not comfortable with.

It’s totally fine - great actually - to want time just you and your son.

Did your partner drive the aligning of weekends? It seems that he benefits because he gets child free weekends with you and then has company on contact weekends so he doesn’t have to parent alone.

But it means you don’t get time with your DS, just the two of you. And that’s really important.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 17:47

Of course he isn't arsed about having him and ds time when he can have you hosting them both... What about 1 weekend a month together instead of eow and no sleepover?

Darby3785 · 29/05/2023 18:10

Hi OP

Everything you have put has reminded me of when me and my husband first introduced our kids to one another
Oh it was a nightmare! You do have to tread carefully and you do have to have time with your own child(ren) 1:1 aside from the blended situation, very important. Kids in this situation can feel very insecure so assuring them they can feel secure when being pulled from house to house, parent to parent.

If you both have your own houses, I'd return to sleeping there when all kids are in tow, then maybe when your partner doesn't have his and vice versa then you can stay? You simply don't have the room for them so to be it seems like the obvious solution. If your partner doesn't want to do that, I'd question why because it really is the best of both worlds, he sees you, the kids see each other and get to know each other slowly and your kids get their own time with their parent too.

It takes a strong person to be in this situation. It's not easy but it's not impossible. You can't force the blend you have just got to take it as it comes.

Mumuser124 · 29/05/2023 18:12

I would be tempted to change it to one weekend a month with just the one sleep over on the Saturday night.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 18:59

Darby3785 · 29/05/2023 18:10

Hi OP

Everything you have put has reminded me of when me and my husband first introduced our kids to one another
Oh it was a nightmare! You do have to tread carefully and you do have to have time with your own child(ren) 1:1 aside from the blended situation, very important. Kids in this situation can feel very insecure so assuring them they can feel secure when being pulled from house to house, parent to parent.

If you both have your own houses, I'd return to sleeping there when all kids are in tow, then maybe when your partner doesn't have his and vice versa then you can stay? You simply don't have the room for them so to be it seems like the obvious solution. If your partner doesn't want to do that, I'd question why because it really is the best of both worlds, he sees you, the kids see each other and get to know each other slowly and your kids get their own time with their parent too.

It takes a strong person to be in this situation. It's not easy but it's not impossible. You can't force the blend you have just got to take it as it comes.

I very rarely get a weekend off work that I don't have my son as I work those weekends.
So the weekends that I work I tend to see my partner on the Friday evening (and stay) then I have long shifts Sat & Sun but usually then stay again the Sun evening.

We have this weekend coming together as I have the whole weekend off but I usually only get them off by using annual leave or requesting it as a day off (but then make up for the shift another day if requested it off).

Then the following weekend is mine with my son but it is never just me and him anymore. I really feel our relationship is suffering and like he can never wait to get to his dads, which I fully understand. I can't allow it to continue.

OP posts:
Dery · 29/05/2023 19:04

“I would be tempted to change it to one weekend a month with just the one sleep over on the Saturday night.”

This. Just because the boys are the same age doesn’t mean they will get on and having a sleepover every weekend is way too much. My daughters wouldn’t want to do weekly sleepovers even with best friends they have chosen for themselves. I think you and your BF have shown a real
lack of imagination about how this feels to them. But all parents fuck up sometimes (God knows I have) and this situation sounds fixable but it will require far fewer sleepovers.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 19:07

Dery · 29/05/2023 19:04

“I would be tempted to change it to one weekend a month with just the one sleep over on the Saturday night.”

This. Just because the boys are the same age doesn’t mean they will get on and having a sleepover every weekend is way too much. My daughters wouldn’t want to do weekly sleepovers even with best friends they have chosen for themselves. I think you and your BF have shown a real
lack of imagination about how this feels to them. But all parents fuck up sometimes (God knows I have) and this situation sounds fixable but it will require far fewer sleepovers.

I couldn't agree more, this post and other peoples perspectives on this has been an eye opener. I always like to make sure everyone is happy and thought we were doing the right thing but clearly not.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 29/05/2023 19:11

I've been with my DP for a year, both of us have two kids, and we haven't done much more than a few joint outings. He's come over a few evenings, and I have spent time with his kids.

I'd say this is way to early to push anything further, and we have no plans to move into each other for the immediate future. Your son needs time with just you.