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Original poster

Blended family advice

60 replies

Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 16:55

Hi first time posting anything on here but desperate for some advice please. Apologies for the long post.

I have an 11 year old son, who lives with me and has alternate weekends with myself and his dad (we have been separated and had this pattern for years).

I have been with current partner for just over a year - he has a son the same age as mine. We now have our boys on the same weekends, but each have our own houses.

For a little while now when it's our weekends together all of us have the Friday & Saturday at mine as it's bigger. However the last few times it has been nothing but stress, due to both boys arguing and messing about non stop, especially late at night.

I know kids will be kids but am finding the whole situation draining as I seem to spend the whole weekend telling both boys off and trying to sort things out between them to keep the peace. Have tried things like set bedtimes, taking phones off them etc but literally find there is always something for them to fall out over and disagree on. They unfortunately have to share a bedroom when we're all together as only have two bedrooms and they were sharing my sons double bed but that became impossible for them to share without falling out so now SS has a blowup bed.

I am just wondering if others have similar problems? And is it normal to constantly have to tell the kids off, I know I can't force them to get on but it seems things are just getting worse every time they see each other and to be honest it makes me dread our weekends together instead of look forward to them!

My partner does tell his son off too, it isn't just left to me but we both have different parenting styles. My son is by no means an angel but there are certain things SS says just to wind him up, or generally just knows how to push his buttons.

I'm wondering if I can have a future with my partner but feel why should we split up just because our kids don't always get on, feels a bit pathetic. But also partner has now said he's not sure we could ever live together which I agree with, it would be a nightmare.

I'm not really sure what to do, is it normal? Is it wrong to suggest not having our weekends together anymore? But then I feel like that's giving in to the kids as partner and I then see each other less. Just not sure what to do for the best.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Stevemad · 30/05/2023 00:26

Is a year to soon to propose to my gf?

myheadisspinningoutofcontrol · 30/05/2023 00:54

If you've both got your own homes then simply spend the weekends separately!

Sittwritt · 30/05/2023 17:51

Yes, why impose this on yr son when you can spend a few weeks bonding with your child. It’s only 7 yrs till he leaves home. 7x54= 378 weekends all up. Don’t spoil them for him, After that you can go what u like.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 30/05/2023 18:16

Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:50

I’m a single parent and it’s just common sense that you don’t treat your child as a second class citizen for your benefit. I’d suggest you step away from your love life and focus on your son

Fellow single parent in agreement. I have mind 24/7, 365 days a year as only parent. Never would I be having mine either sharing a double bed, sleeping on a blow up bed or forcibly staying with a random sexual acquaintance within a year. My own child has yet to meet anyone I've dated. Leaves me very little time for dating but my DC comes first? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 30/05/2023 21:02

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat

forcibly staying with a random sexual acquaintance within a year.

Funny how people pick and twist certain things on here. Not sure where you get that information from at all but plain rude to assume that's my situation.

My son does come first, we all make mistakes or maybe not in your case, well done for being perfect.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2023 21:22

It’s good you’re thinking about things differently. I expect that you’ll get some pretty major pushback from your boyfriend when you tell him things are changing.

He’s got it made with having contact at your house, you’ve been housing and presumably feeding and cleaning up after both of them and you’re doing his parenting for him.

Prepare to be told his son loves having loads of time with yours, with you, that he’ll be sad for it to decrease, possibly that your relationship won’t survive dialling things back and then potentially an ultimatum.

If that happens please don’t be sucked in and hold firm for your son’s sake. You know you’ve been missing quality time with him, he’ll be feeling the same but more. His feelings might be quite complicated as there may be things he’ll miss about spending time with your BF and his son. But you’re doing the right thing.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 30/05/2023 21:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2023 21:22

It’s good you’re thinking about things differently. I expect that you’ll get some pretty major pushback from your boyfriend when you tell him things are changing.

He’s got it made with having contact at your house, you’ve been housing and presumably feeding and cleaning up after both of them and you’re doing his parenting for him.

Prepare to be told his son loves having loads of time with yours, with you, that he’ll be sad for it to decrease, possibly that your relationship won’t survive dialling things back and then potentially an ultimatum.

If that happens please don’t be sucked in and hold firm for your son’s sake. You know you’ve been missing quality time with him, he’ll be feeling the same but more. His feelings might be quite complicated as there may be things he’ll miss about spending time with your BF and his son. But you’re doing the right thing.

Thank you, this is exactly what I'm expecting when I speak to him about it tomorrow.

Oh yes I've been doing all of the feeding/cleaning etc! He does offer to help but I am quite fussy and like things a certain way so that's my fault.

But I have to address this as I'm not willing to leave things as they are - that's not even an option. If he cannot see from my perspective about how it isn't working then he clearly isn't someone I can or want to be in a relationship with.

OP posts:
Toxicityofourcity · 30/05/2023 22:03

Honestly, I though the same last night, that he probably had a nice set up for when he had contact with his son, and that you were most likely doing to cooking, cleaning etc. Not something I wanted to get into as I think I was already a bit harsh with my feedback to you.

But I'm really glad to hear you recognise this and are prepared for the inevitable push back from him when you make changes.

You obviously have your DC best interest at heart and, from what you've told us, this is definitely the best decision, for both you. You'll definitely be much happier having that 121 time with your boy too.

Hoping for all the best for you and your boy OP

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 30/05/2023 22:20

Toxicityofourcity · 30/05/2023 22:03

Honestly, I though the same last night, that he probably had a nice set up for when he had contact with his son, and that you were most likely doing to cooking, cleaning etc. Not something I wanted to get into as I think I was already a bit harsh with my feedback to you.

But I'm really glad to hear you recognise this and are prepared for the inevitable push back from him when you make changes.

You obviously have your DC best interest at heart and, from what you've told us, this is definitely the best decision, for both you. You'll definitely be much happier having that 121 time with your boy too.

Hoping for all the best for you and your boy OP

Thank you for your advice - no matter how harsh, I can honestly say it was needed. I feel incredible guilt that things have gone like this for my son.

I hope my partner can be understanding but if not then it's tough as I don't see any other way around it.

OP posts:
Sittwritt · 31/05/2023 09:22

Don’t feel guilt about a few confused years here.

Just focus on yr relationship with yr son. Men come and go. Yr kids are priority.

Going forward there is no reason that you can’t meet up and do something like once a month but don’t torture the child into having to be present in yr idea of a good time. It’s clearly been hell for him.

Then once yr son is a little more grown up to stay home or go out with his friends, you can go for a meal and a walk too. These things do come sooner than you think.

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