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Original poster

Blended family advice

60 replies

Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 16:55

Hi first time posting anything on here but desperate for some advice please. Apologies for the long post.

I have an 11 year old son, who lives with me and has alternate weekends with myself and his dad (we have been separated and had this pattern for years).

I have been with current partner for just over a year - he has a son the same age as mine. We now have our boys on the same weekends, but each have our own houses.

For a little while now when it's our weekends together all of us have the Friday & Saturday at mine as it's bigger. However the last few times it has been nothing but stress, due to both boys arguing and messing about non stop, especially late at night.

I know kids will be kids but am finding the whole situation draining as I seem to spend the whole weekend telling both boys off and trying to sort things out between them to keep the peace. Have tried things like set bedtimes, taking phones off them etc but literally find there is always something for them to fall out over and disagree on. They unfortunately have to share a bedroom when we're all together as only have two bedrooms and they were sharing my sons double bed but that became impossible for them to share without falling out so now SS has a blowup bed.

I am just wondering if others have similar problems? And is it normal to constantly have to tell the kids off, I know I can't force them to get on but it seems things are just getting worse every time they see each other and to be honest it makes me dread our weekends together instead of look forward to them!

My partner does tell his son off too, it isn't just left to me but we both have different parenting styles. My son is by no means an angel but there are certain things SS says just to wind him up, or generally just knows how to push his buttons.

I'm wondering if I can have a future with my partner but feel why should we split up just because our kids don't always get on, feels a bit pathetic. But also partner has now said he's not sure we could ever live together which I agree with, it would be a nightmare.

I'm not really sure what to do, is it normal? Is it wrong to suggest not having our weekends together anymore? But then I feel like that's giving in to the kids as partner and I then see each other less. Just not sure what to do for the best.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Hongkongsuey · 29/05/2023 19:24

We are a blended family. We got together when kids were about 12-mine saw their dad eow and my now dh had 50%. Although we would see each other with the kids, it would be watching a movie/lunch or activity and then we’d each go home. No one had to give up chill time or things they wanted to do with friends. You can’t expect kids to instantly welcome strangers into their lives to accommodate their oarents’new relationship. We didn’t get married until the kids were young adults and going to uni/leaving home. That worked for us.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 19:54

Hongkongsuey · 29/05/2023 19:24

We are a blended family. We got together when kids were about 12-mine saw their dad eow and my now dh had 50%. Although we would see each other with the kids, it would be watching a movie/lunch or activity and then we’d each go home. No one had to give up chill time or things they wanted to do with friends. You can’t expect kids to instantly welcome strangers into their lives to accommodate their oarents’new relationship. We didn’t get married until the kids were young adults and going to uni/leaving home. That worked for us.

It's hard because I guess neither of us knew what we were doing wasn't right. Kids were always begging for longer together initially and then the staying at mine just seemed to fall into place as it's bigger. But now things have gotten so bad I'm questioning the relationship. I definitely don't want to live together for a long time (maybe years) as been there, done that and quite happy with my own house and security for my son that I worked so hard to get.
But it seems his happiness has taken a back seat and I can't explain the guilt I now feel from this.

OP posts:
Hongkongsuey · 29/05/2023 20:33

Don’t be so hard on yourself-you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water-you obviously love your son and want him to be happy. Could you ask him if he’d feel better if you met up but didn’t have the overnights? It’s quite a lot to ask for him to give up his space-kids can be enthusiastic at first as it’s fun and a novelty but they might not want their routine to be like that. How does your partner feel?When we used to holiday together, everyone had a great time but it did emphasise to me how good it was that we had no intention of living together while they were kids-different parenting styles, boundaries etc would’ve made it very stressful-when you want to be enjoying a relationship, not stressed out about the kids.

HerMammy · 29/05/2023 21:00

You've been together a year and basically the kids met immediately, then sharing a bed??
Way too much, why does your BF have to stay fri/sat? You need a big step back, put your sim before your bf of a year.

Buddercud · 29/05/2023 21:18

It’s very difficult OP and you will get lots of perspectives. In our family, I have one child who loves my DP, loves his step siblings, and is really happy with everything. I have another DS who hates DP, resents stepsiblings, and wishes I had stayed single. The one thing which has been of the greatest benefit to us is the amount of time I had had alone with the DSs - although we lived together, we did most things separately, including holidays. If you’re done feels like he is still getting his time with you, he might feel less angry and irritable.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 21:47

HerMammy · 29/05/2023 21:00

You've been together a year and basically the kids met immediately, then sharing a bed??
Way too much, why does your BF have to stay fri/sat? You need a big step back, put your sim before your bf of a year.

The kids met after a couple of months but we didn't start all staying together until late Autumn. As mentioned previously they were both happy with the arrangement initially but it definitely can't continue this way any longer, I'm aware of that now.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/05/2023 21:57

Why not just see each other during the day, no sleeping over. It’s clearly not working by spending whole weekends together.

Opaque11 · 29/05/2023 22:01

TheOrigRights · 29/05/2023 16:58

One year dating is very soon to be regarding yourselves as a blended family.

This. How very unfair and selfish of you to put this on your ds!! He has to share his actual bedroom with someone who winds him up just so his mother can have a boyfriend? This is clearly far too much for him so you should be putting him first. No man could ever be worth that much to put my children through a 'blended' family.

Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:01

I actually can’t believe you both made your almost teenage sons share a bed. That is shocking. A bed on the floor isn’t much better. No wonder they hate each other.

You’ve been together a year? That’s nothing. You both need to start putting your children first here.

I’m appalled.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 22:09

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 17:47

Of course he isn't arsed about having him and ds time when he can have you hosting them both... What about 1 weekend a month together instead of eow and no sleepover?

This is what I'm going to suggest, I just can't have things continue the way they have been.

Thanks for your input

OP posts:
Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:14

You keep repeating that you met your partner in July and the children met at the same time but you didn’t stay together until late Autumn’ as if 3 months is anywhere near a long enough time for a child to meet their parents partner and move in. To their bloody bed. Honestly I don’t think you should have a partner at all if this is how you treat your son. And the fact that in the op you talk about the kids ‘getting their own way’ if you split. It’s horrible.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 22:17

Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:01

I actually can’t believe you both made your almost teenage sons share a bed. That is shocking. A bed on the floor isn’t much better. No wonder they hate each other.

You’ve been together a year? That’s nothing. You both need to start putting your children first here.

I’m appalled.

We didn't 'make them' share, they were happy to. I wouldn't force them to share. They were happy to spend as much time together as possible on our weekends, but as mentioned things haven't been good for a little while. I also didn't say that they hate each other, that's definitely not the case.

OP posts:
Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:39

We didn't 'make them' share, they were happy to. I wouldn't force them to share

but you’re the adult. You should know that it’s grossly unfair to ask two complete strangers to share a bed long-term, for your benefit. Did you seriously think this was the way to go about blending a family

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 22:48

Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:39

We didn't 'make them' share, they were happy to. I wouldn't force them to share

but you’re the adult. You should know that it’s grossly unfair to ask two complete strangers to share a bed long-term, for your benefit. Did you seriously think this was the way to go about blending a family

Not at all, haven't been in a situation like this before. Both boys were happy with those arrangements initially, as mentioned. Obviously I now realise that this can't continue.

OP posts:
Hamfish · 29/05/2023 22:50

I’m a single parent and it’s just common sense that you don’t treat your child as a second class citizen for your benefit. I’d suggest you step away from your love life and focus on your son

Sittwritt · 29/05/2023 23:00

Your child and the SS are 11, preteens, and you put them into a double bed together, that’s so gross, sorry, but very very unwise. No wonder they hated this arrangement. There’s nothing in it for your child. But if guess you want to live your life the way you want and have your needs met. I would prioritise my child in this situation and pick up dating once he’s fully grown up, which in this case is not too long to wait. Otherwise it seems to me you are wasting precious years you could be building a relationship with your son on totally pointless bickering and fights with his not even step brother he does not want.

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 23:03

Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 17:26

RelaxingClassics the boys were introduced to each other last July, it was a mutual agreement between my partner and I. It seemed the right time for them to meet each other. The sharing a room thing didn't happen until late Autumn last year and did work ok initially. But definitely seems to be a problem now.

So you've only been with your boyfriend for a year but introduced your children in July?

Which means you only knew your boyfriend for about 3 months or so before your son met him?

Then had your boyfriends son sleeping in his bed by 6 months in? And now your son has to share his room with a child he clearly doesn't like every single weekend he's with you.

This is absolutely brutal decision making, your poor son.

SMFH - I honestly despair at some of the stuff I read on this forum.

MrsKeats · 29/05/2023 23:07

Totally agree toxicity
Lack of boundaries is not good.

Hamfish · 29/05/2023 23:09

Social services would also be interested in non-siblings being required to share a bed as pre-teens. Incredibly questionable decision making

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 23:20

Hamfish · 29/05/2023 23:09

Social services would also be interested in non-siblings being required to share a bed as pre-teens. Incredibly questionable decision making

They were not required to share a bed, both chose to as big enough for them both if it meant they got weekends together. As explained SS has since moved to an airbed as that worked better, and no other option to fit another bed in DS room.

OP posts:
Hamfish · 29/05/2023 23:31

Grow up. Be a proper parent. This thread is making me really angry, your poor fucking kids

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 23:33

Think you're missing the point here OP - he shouldn't have to share his room every single weekend with a child he clearly doesn't like and has only known 10ish months. I could anticipate this having serious consequences for your relationship with him.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 29/05/2023 23:39

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 23:33

Think you're missing the point here OP - he shouldn't have to share his room every single weekend with a child he clearly doesn't like and has only known 10ish months. I could anticipate this having serious consequences for your relationship with him.

Yes I'm aware of that, and that's not what I want at all. I'm not claiming to be the best parent but was merely looking for advice. Not to be judged, although everyone is of course entitled to their own opinions, that's fine.

My son won't be sharing his bedroom going forwards, that's for sure. His happiness comes first so things will change.

Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 23:44

Sorry OP, don't mean to be judgey as such, it's just poor decision making. Really glad you recognise this isn't appropriate and isn't working and can put a stop to it before your son builds any major resentment.

Anyway, wish you the best with making a change and hope you and your son are much happier as a result.

Original poster
Bigknicks86 · 30/05/2023 00:12

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 23:44

Sorry OP, don't mean to be judgey as such, it's just poor decision making. Really glad you recognise this isn't appropriate and isn't working and can put a stop to it before your son builds any major resentment.

Anyway, wish you the best with making a change and hope you and your son are much happier as a result.

Thank you, that's really kind of you.

OP posts: