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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very tricky situation!

99 replies

Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 11:47

Hi everyone,
I'm turning to Mumsnet for help as a last resort, tried everything I can think of. Please be kind.
I'll keep it as short and sweet as possible.
My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years. We got together not long after his previous partner passed away. They were technically together but she had been poorly for a long time, and he was more of a carer. Looking back, it was too soon for us, but we are where we are. He has a daughter, currently 11 years old. Everything started fine, we kept her in the dark for a long time before I was introduced as a friend, and then last summer he told her I'm more than a friend, and we went on holiday the 3 of us. We get on really well, days out together, I've taken her out without him, she's a lovely girl and seems to really like me. However she doesn't want her dad to be in a relationship. My partner is mentally abusive towards me and controlling, or tired to be anyway. He's angry a lot of the time and I put this down to the situation he has found himself in. I'm not making excuses for him, just try to put myself in his shoes. I think a lot of his insecurities and anger come from frustration at us not having a 'proper' relationship and not getting much time together. We love each other an incredible amount, but feel we've never really had the chance to build those real foundations a relationship needs. I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping, or us all getting the life we deseve. He basically asked his daughter for permission for me to start having the odd sleepover and do more with them, she's flipped and said no basically and I don't know what to do now. He's saying there is nothing he can do unless she now approaches him and says its ok. Was he right to ask her permission? Do I walk away from someone I feel is good deep down, just has a lot of trauma? We both believe we are soul mates and are distraught by this. I'm just at a complete loss now. Please any advice is appreciated and please be kind xx

OP posts:
BigShoutyRaven · 29/05/2023 11:51

I think you should really think hard about why you think your "soulmate" is someone you describe as "mentally abusive towards me and controlling" and "angry a lot of the time." Why are you even considering spending more time with him rather than just finishing the relationship?

Oldraver · 29/05/2023 11:51

Surely it's a convenient get out not that you need one .

He's abusive towards you and that won't change if you 're allowed 'sleepovers'

FloofCloud · 29/05/2023 11:52

You're in a bit of a pickle! In all honesty I doubt this relationship will work as there's not enough time between his wife dying and you, he's probably grieving and even though he was her carer he'd have still loved her I'm sure.
The DD has lost her mum too, and she needs support from her dad.
Personally you have no skin in the game here and can walk away as friends to both his child and him. I'd be doing this personally, particulate the abuse part, that's always unacceptable in any situation
Good luck with whatever you chose

Original poster
Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 11:54

I know it sounds crazy but there is a lot of good amongst the crap. I can see that with work things could get better, maybe I'm too nice! I also don't want to walk away from the daughter, who I now have a nice bond with.

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 29/05/2023 11:57

People in abusive relationships always say "there's a lot of good amongst all the shit!"

yellowsmileyface · 29/05/2023 12:01

I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping

Abusive partners don't become less abusive when the relationship progresses, they become considerably more so.

No one is abusive because of circumstances. What makes a man abusive is down to his deeply internalised views and values that, to him, justifies his abusive behaviour.

You can't fix him, or the situation. And the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

GarlicGrace · 29/05/2023 12:04

Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 11:54

I know it sounds crazy but there is a lot of good amongst the crap. I can see that with work things could get better, maybe I'm too nice! I also don't want to walk away from the daughter, who I now have a nice bond with.

You're right, it is crazy.

The world's littered with the empty husks of women who thought they could cure abusive men with their love.

Why do you see your primary role as a sacrifice to someone's ego?

Zanatdy · 29/05/2023 12:05

yellowsmileyface · 29/05/2023 12:01

I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping

Abusive partners don't become less abusive when the relationship progresses, they become considerably more so.

No one is abusive because of circumstances. What makes a man abusive is down to his deeply internalised views and values that, to him, justifies his abusive behaviour.

You can't fix him, or the situation. And the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

This. No matter what’s gone on in his life abuse cannot be excused. Things will not get better in my opinion. His DD is clearly grieving and struggling with the situation. This is going to cause a lot of stress which won’t help if he’s abusive already. Walk away

Toddlerteaplease · 29/05/2023 12:05

You've described him as abusive. You deserve better. End the relationship now.

Original poster
Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 12:08

Just want to say thank you for responses so far. I'm new here and don't know how to respond to comments directly head in hands.
I just thought his anger was all down to his situation and the life he has been left with. He struggles a lot with everything. I'm not trying to use my love to cure him, but I've always tried to see things from his perspective. I get why he's angry and I guess uses me as an emotional punch bag - I'm not saying that's OK. Just hoped maybe there was hope. Do I just leave someone I love to live a miserable life, rather than try to work towards a better life for the 3 of us?

OP posts:
Original poster
Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 12:10

Also I've tried to help with her grief, indirectly. I've contacted places that have things that can help, but he always says no she doesn't want it and he won't push her. I worry for her she will carry this forever if it's not addressed. I'm painting him as a bad person, but he does have lots of good qualities.

OP posts:
ChiefPearlClutcher · 29/05/2023 12:17

Honestly OP I have things in my fridge (not proud of that!) linger than you have been with this man.

2 years in you should still be in a honeymoon like state!

You describe him as abusive and controlling. She has lost her mum and is entering puberty. Nightmare situation.

You don’t have to put up with this and you are not here to fix him!

Do you share values and goals?
Why do you want to make this work? Why would accept this situation and life for yourself?

CharlottenBurger · 29/05/2023 12:17

Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 11:54

I know it sounds crazy but there is a lot of good amongst the crap. I can see that with work things could get better, maybe I'm too nice! I also don't want to walk away from the daughter, who I now have a nice bond with.

You do 'work' in a job, and get paid for it! Relationships are different. You are too nice.

DowntonCrabby · 29/05/2023 12:20

An acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

You deserve better, his DD does too. Move on OP Flowers

Original poster
Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 12:21

ChiefPearlClutcher · 29/05/2023 12:17

Honestly OP I have things in my fridge (not proud of that!) linger than you have been with this man.

2 years in you should still be in a honeymoon like state!

You describe him as abusive and controlling. She has lost her mum and is entering puberty. Nightmare situation.

You don’t have to put up with this and you are not here to fix him!

Do you share values and goals?
Why do you want to make this work? Why would accept this situation and life for yourself?

Ha me too!

We share goals in that we both want to have a real relationship, move in together, get married, go on holidays all those things. We both want a life together. Values we sometimes disagree on. He's quite jealous, puts me on a pedestal and thinks because he can't give me the life I deserve I'll leave for someone better. I try to reassure him but sometimes falls on deaf ears.
I don't want to accept this situation or life for myself just thought there might be hope to get out of this and move forward. Slowing losing that hope now...

OP posts:
HyggeTygge · 29/05/2023 12:21

It's not wrong to feel angry.
It is wrong to choose to use someone else as an emotional punching bag. I would not put up with that. What proportion of dogshit would you accept in your cake?

PonyPatter44 · 29/05/2023 12:22

You don't have a nice bond with his daughter- she doesn't want her dad to be in a relationship with you! And grieving or not, he's an abusive tosspot towards you and lets his kid rule the roost. This is NOT a recipe for a successful loving adult relationship. Maybe you can stay friends with him, but you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain by trying to make a go of a relationship.

HyggeTygge · 29/05/2023 12:23

The jealousy is a massive red flag. If he thought you were "better than him" he would use that as motivation to up his game, sort himself out. Instead he acts appallingly towards you.

He's using "jealousy" as an excuse to abuse you. This does NOT happen in a good relationship. Have some standards and don't fall for it.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:25

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Original poster
Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 12:31

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I can assure you its not all about me, or him. I was here asking for relationship advice, on my relationship. I do everything I can to make her happy and comfortable. I've contacted places for support for her. I've tried to advise him about what he can to do help her. I want all 3 of us to be happy, not just me. If he is miserable it will affect her a lot growing up. So yes, his happiness is important as well. Plus we're all humans and deserve a life.

OP posts:
Itsanotherhreatday · 29/05/2023 12:32

Relationships shouldn’t be hard work! The basic foundations of love trust and respect should always be there - the fact he thinks you’ll leave him for someone better is love bombing - he’s making you prove you won’t leave - have you changed how you dress do your hair?
The emotional stuff will get worse as he relies on you more and more - not less - he needs to keep you occupied with his needs so you get so tangled up in his life you can’t escape - and then the financial abuse will start…. Seriously run! This man’s a woman’s worst nightmare

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:33

Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 12:31

I can assure you its not all about me, or him. I was here asking for relationship advice, on my relationship. I do everything I can to make her happy and comfortable. I've contacted places for support for her. I've tried to advise him about what he can to do help her. I want all 3 of us to be happy, not just me. If he is miserable it will affect her a lot growing up. So yes, his happiness is important as well. Plus we're all humans and deserve a life.

Show quote history

Well,your op is and I’m sorry to be harsh, but “distraught “ you can’t have occasional sleepovers and act as a family. The child lost her mother, the trauma is huge, he’s right, it needs to be in her own time before you invade her home and time with her father.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:34

And you need to stop pressuring him. Háve some respect.

2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:35

You're not "on a pedestal"; he's putting you in a cage where he controls you, just like he controlled his vulnerable ex until she died.

He's using both the dead ex and his 11 yr old daughter as emotional weaponry to demand your sympathy, compliance and obedience.

Silvers11 · 29/05/2023 12:37

yellowsmileyface · 29/05/2023 12:01

I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping

Abusive partners don't become less abusive when the relationship progresses, they become considerably more so.

No one is abusive because of circumstances. What makes a man abusive is down to his deeply internalised views and values that, to him, justifies his abusive behaviour.

You can't fix him, or the situation. And the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

@BigShoutyRaven - you really need to take onboard what @yellowsmileyface is saying. I agree with that

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