Page 4 | Very tricky situation!

Needshelp90 · 2023-05-29T10:47:22+00:00

Hi everyone, I'm turning to Mumsnet for help as a last resort, tried everything I can think of. Please be kind. I'll keep it as short and sweet as possible. My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years. We got together not long after his previous partner passed away. They were technically together but she had been poorly for a long time, and he was more of a carer. Looking back, it was too soon for us, but we are where we are. He has a daughter, currently 11 years old. Everything started fine, we kept her in the dark for a long time before I was introduced as a friend, and then last summer he told her I'm more than a friend, and we went on holiday the 3 of us. We get on really well, days out together, I've taken her out without him, she's a lovely girl and seems to really like me. However she doesn't want her dad to be in a relationship. My partner is mentally abusive towards me and controlling, or tired to be anyway. He's angry a lot of the time and I put this down to the situation he has found himself in. I'm not making excuses for him, just try to put myself in his shoes. I think a lot of his insecurities and anger come from frustration at us not having a 'proper' relationship and not getting much time together. We love each other an incredible amount, but feel we've never really had the chance to build those real foundations a relationship needs. I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping, or us all getting the life we deseve. He basically asked his daughter for permission for me to start having the odd sleepover and do more with them, she's flipped and said no basically and I don't know what to do now. He's saying there is nothing he can do unless she now approaches him and says its ok. Was he right to ask her permission? Do I walk away from someone I feel is good deep down, just has a lot of trauma? We both believe we are soul mates and are distraught by this. I'm just at a complete loss now. Please any advice is appreciated and please be kind xx

unsync · 29/05/2023 16:09

You should be planning to go not stay. You have already identified that he is abusing you. They don't stop, they get worse. Do you think you may be developing a trauma bond?

greyhairnomore · 29/05/2023 16:17

How can he be your soulmate when he abuses you ? This is before you're link together, imagine how much worse it would be when you're trapped in his house.

greyhairnomore · 29/05/2023 16:19

@Needshelp90 you don't have a bond with his daughter , she doesn't want you to be together. Imagine her as a moody teenager

porridgeisbae · 29/05/2023 16:25

He is abusive and coercive/controlling. That's enough reason to bin him in itself, without the other, more minor issues.

Stratocumulus · 29/05/2023 16:33

“Do I just leave someone I love to live a miserable life, rather than try to work towards a better life for the 3 of us?”

You will not have a miserable life! You will get back in the saddle and press on.
By your own admission, he is abusive and controlling and whatever you consider your relationship with him (or her) to be, she does not want you to be any more deeply involved with them.
Don’t be his crutch. Get out whilst you can.

Original poster

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I dont know if anyone sees when I post an update, but here goes anyway.
Thank you again to all who replied to me with help and advice.
Me and my partner spoke yesterday, he has apologised to me and said he is also sorry to those who love me for hurting me. He has acknowledged his behaviour is unacceptable, unfair and out of order. We have decided to take time apart for him to work on himself and his daughter and focus on both of them getting better. I've also booked some counselling for myself and ordered the book that someone recommended.

OP posts:

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 09:43

I don't understand why you think he's abusive because of his circumstances.

Non abusive people don't abuse other people in any circumstances.

You may have bonded a bit while the his dd but ateotd youre a recent fixture, she doesn't want her Dad in a relationship, and she'll detach and move on. You are not responsible for her, and no offend but you're probably nowhere near as important to her as you think you are; she doesn't want her Dad in a relationship with anyone, including you. Your relationship with her has apparently not changed that.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 09:44

said he is also sorry to those who love me for hurting me

What?

I'd he not primarily sorry to you.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 30/05/2023 09:47

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I dont know if anyone sees when I post an update, but here goes anyway.
Thank you again to all who replied to me with help and advice.
Me and my partner spoke yesterday, he has apologised to me and said he is also sorry to those who love me for hurting me. He has acknowledged his behaviour is unacceptable, unfair and out of order. We have decided to take time apart for him to work on himself and his daughter and focus on both of them getting better. I've also booked some counselling for myself and ordered the book that someone recommended.

I’m glad you’re away from him. His approach to apologies is extremely telling. And it ain’t good.

Peachy2005 · 30/05/2023 12:43

Thanks for the update @Needshelp90

If everyone does the work on themselves, as planned, hopefully it will work out for the best. Wishing you all the luck and a happy future xx

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 14:24

Good for both for ‘taking a break’ and for organising counselling.

im not sure what to make if his apologies but I’m always amazed how those men are very quick to say they are out of order and will change when a breakup is on the horizon but never before….

ThirstyThursday · 30/05/2023 14:42

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I dont know if anyone sees when I post an update, but here goes anyway.
Thank you again to all who replied to me with help and advice.
Me and my partner spoke yesterday, he has apologised to me and said he is also sorry to those who love me for hurting me. He has acknowledged his behaviour is unacceptable, unfair and out of order. We have decided to take time apart for him to work on himself and his daughter and focus on both of them getting better. I've also booked some counselling for myself and ordered the book that someone recommended.

@Needshelp90

yes, we can see your update.

it's a relief to read, I hope you see, through counselling that his abuse isn't caused by grief, but by who he is.

i how you come to realise he isn't your soul mate, he's just another man who thinks you're there to take his abuse.

I feel sorry for his daughter & I hope maybe school can sort out some counselling for her both for the loss of her Mum & the fact her Dad is lacking much in the way of parenting skills/life skills.

momtoboys · 30/05/2023 14:46

For the love of all that is holy...RUN. I can't even believe what I am reading.

momtoboys · 30/05/2023 14:51

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I dont know if anyone sees when I post an update, but here goes anyway.
Thank you again to all who replied to me with help and advice.
Me and my partner spoke yesterday, he has apologised to me and said he is also sorry to those who love me for hurting me. He has acknowledged his behaviour is unacceptable, unfair and out of order. We have decided to take time apart for him to work on himself and his daughter and focus on both of them getting better. I've also booked some counselling for myself and ordered the book that someone recommended.

We see your updates and I pray that you get some clarity on this situation. Relationships do not have to be this hard. Best of luck to you.

baileys6904 · 30/05/2023 15:03

I remember your OP from the first time round

The wife was barely cold in her grave and you were wanting to ask him out, in fact I think you were using your coffee dates for him to talk through his grief when you wanted to pursue a relationship. The man was clearly in bits after having watched his wife die, and you were planning on how best to move in on him.
So many people told you then it was too soon, not just for him, but his poor daughter, but you were having none of it.

No one deserves to be abused however this was a disaster waiting to happen. I hope next time you put your own needs behind a child that's grieving her mum and needs her dad.

whichwayisup · 30/05/2023 15:10

Glad you are taking a break although if Baileys is right,maybe you need to look at why you pursued this man when it was clearly the wrong time. The guy needed time to adjust as did his daughter, you should have stood back and let that happen.

MsPavlichenko · 30/05/2023 15:20

He is a controlling abuser. It will get worse not better if/when you move in/ramp it up. Of course he’s nice someone, that’s how women are reeled in. The trauma may or may not be a factor, but it’s beside the point.

Please take the time to work on yourself now so you don’t fall back into the relationship. Do the Freedom Programme in person or online.

willWillSmithsmith · 30/05/2023 16:13

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I dont know if anyone sees when I post an update, but here goes anyway.
Thank you again to all who replied to me with help and advice.
Me and my partner spoke yesterday, he has apologised to me and said he is also sorry to those who love me for hurting me. He has acknowledged his behaviour is unacceptable, unfair and out of order. We have decided to take time apart for him to work on himself and his daughter and focus on both of them getting better. I've also booked some counselling for myself and ordered the book that someone recommended.

Well done, you’re doing the right thing. Please know that you can have a happy life without this or any man. You say you will lead a miserable life if you broke up but there’s no reason for that to be true. There are many of us on MN who came out of bad relationships happier and stronger. My ex could be amazing, he could be thoughtful, he could be generous, he could be very caring but he could also be mean and spiteful and nasty. There comes a time where enduring the bad is not worth the good bits and the good bits end up giving you a sour taste anyway. So whichever way it goes, good luck.

Original poster

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 16:19

baileys6904 · 30/05/2023 15:03

I remember your OP from the first time round

The wife was barely cold in her grave and you were wanting to ask him out, in fact I think you were using your coffee dates for him to talk through his grief when you wanted to pursue a relationship. The man was clearly in bits after having watched his wife die, and you were planning on how best to move in on him.
So many people told you then it was too soon, not just for him, but his poor daughter, but you were having none of it.

No one deserves to be abused however this was a disaster waiting to happen. I hope next time you put your own needs behind a child that's grieving her mum and needs her dad.

Sorry but I think you have me mixed up with another person. We never went on coffee dates. He was never married, and I only joined this site yesterday to ask for help on this subject. I had never even been on this site before.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 30/05/2023 16:38

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 16:19

Sorry but I think you have me mixed up with another person. We never went on coffee dates. He was never married, and I only joined this site yesterday to ask for help on this subject. I had never even been on this site before.

Show quote history

I think someone has mixed you up with a different poster.

baileys6904 · 30/05/2023 16:43

@Needshelp90 many apologies, there was a lady who around the same sort of time had met a gentleman at work who's partner/wife had been ill and died and she was very 'determined' to make the most of her chance...
However, as I said before, no one should be abused. Whilst you have been very understanding of his issues and experiences especially with his daughter, that does not give anyone the right to take it out on their loved one.

Give them space and who knows what's round the corner. You deserve better.

Again apologies for my error

Original poster

Needshelp90 · 30/05/2023 16:45

baileys6904 · 30/05/2023 16:43

@Needshelp90 many apologies, there was a lady who around the same sort of time had met a gentleman at work who's partner/wife had been ill and died and she was very 'determined' to make the most of her chance...
However, as I said before, no one should be abused. Whilst you have been very understanding of his issues and experiences especially with his daughter, that does not give anyone the right to take it out on their loved one.

Give them space and who knows what's round the corner. You deserve better.

Again apologies for my error

I appreciate that. Thank you

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 30/05/2023 16:50

@Needshelp90 If you find it helpful, carry on posting on this thread. Everyone who has answered you already will get an automatic notification.

I'm glad the man has apologised to you and that you've decided to take a break.

However, it's also very common for abusive men to apologise because they realise they've gone too far, and they want to keep you on side. That often means that their apology is not really genuine.

I know my ex used to apologise every time I left him..................it took me about eleven times before I left for good.

I appreciate you're not living with this man at the moment, which is very much in your favour. Please give yourself space and time to reflect.

GarlicGrace · 30/05/2023 23:56

Congratulations, @Needshelp90. You'll be able to discuss what you've read in Lundy's book, this relationship and your own emotional needs with the counsellor. I'm sure it'll be interesting, and expect you'll come through it with stronger boundaries and a clearer sense of your worth.