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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very tricky situation!

99 replies

Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 11:47

Hi everyone,
I'm turning to Mumsnet for help as a last resort, tried everything I can think of. Please be kind.
I'll keep it as short and sweet as possible.
My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years. We got together not long after his previous partner passed away. They were technically together but she had been poorly for a long time, and he was more of a carer. Looking back, it was too soon for us, but we are where we are. He has a daughter, currently 11 years old. Everything started fine, we kept her in the dark for a long time before I was introduced as a friend, and then last summer he told her I'm more than a friend, and we went on holiday the 3 of us. We get on really well, days out together, I've taken her out without him, she's a lovely girl and seems to really like me. However she doesn't want her dad to be in a relationship. My partner is mentally abusive towards me and controlling, or tired to be anyway. He's angry a lot of the time and I put this down to the situation he has found himself in. I'm not making excuses for him, just try to put myself in his shoes. I think a lot of his insecurities and anger come from frustration at us not having a 'proper' relationship and not getting much time together. We love each other an incredible amount, but feel we've never really had the chance to build those real foundations a relationship needs. I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping, or us all getting the life we deseve. He basically asked his daughter for permission for me to start having the odd sleepover and do more with them, she's flipped and said no basically and I don't know what to do now. He's saying there is nothing he can do unless she now approaches him and says its ok. Was he right to ask her permission? Do I walk away from someone I feel is good deep down, just has a lot of trauma? We both believe we are soul mates and are distraught by this. I'm just at a complete loss now. Please any advice is appreciated and please be kind xx

OP posts:
Plottingspringescape · 29/05/2023 12:38

Why do you think the abuse would stop if you moved the relationship forward? Surely it needs to stop before you consider committing more to this relationship? As it stands you can walk away. If you get in deeper to the point of sharing a home and a life it all becomes that much harder to get out of. I very much doubt that someone who is abusive when you don't live together, would suddenly become a model partner when you do.

2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:39

I do everything I can to make her happy and comfortable.

EXCEPT, the one thing she's asked for.

Original poster
Needshelp90 · 29/05/2023 12:41

2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:39

I do everything I can to make her happy and comfortable.

EXCEPT, the one thing she's asked for.

I have. Currently I have stepped away, I was just asking for some help and advice in case there was a chance this could improve. She asks me to go round and I'm there. She doesn't want me there I'm not.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 29/05/2023 12:43

Do I just leave someone I love to live a miserable life

No, you leave someone who is making your life miserable (because he is horrible) and find someone nicer to love. Or just be happy because you don’t have to spend time with someone who’s horrible to you.

flexigirl · 29/05/2023 12:54

I wouldn't want to move forward with someone who's is abusive. Don't think you can fix him, there is never a good excuse to abuse another person. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery which will likely only get worse ! Nice relationship with daughter or not , put yourself first for goodness sake !

Shapemyeyebrows · 29/05/2023 12:58

@Needshelp90 I think you need to stop looking at what it “could be” and look at what it is. I think you are fooling yourself here about what you have. You might think you have a bond with his daughter but you clearly don’t. She doesn’t want him to be with you in a relationship. I really can’t see that changing anytime soon. He is abusive and controlling. I also can’t see that changing anytime soon. Why are you trying to cling onto an abusive relationship which isn’t going anywhere? You say you would be miserable if you leave him, I disagree. I think you will be forever miserable if you stay. Stop making excuses for his behaviour and get out now whilst you have no ties.

whichwayisup · 29/05/2023 13:02

What shapemyeyebrows said.

This is not a soul mate scenario... Why would a soulmate treat you like this. You've tied all of this up in wishful thinking love of my life type language. Remove all of that. Stop looking at your fairytale idea of what is going on and just look at the objective facts.

It does not look good and that's with you spinning it to sound better than I'm sure it really is.

Peachy2005 · 29/05/2023 13:19

Why would your life be miserable without them?

You have the chance to meet someone who’s not abusive or to learn to be happy in yourself without this massive project of someone (2 people) to fix!

You absolutely should leave him but don’t rush into another relationship. Do some work/therapy to figure out why you value yourself so little as to accept this treatment. Otherwise you’re in danger of ending up in a similar situation again. Good luck.

Peachy2005 · 29/05/2023 13:22

Also you’re enabling him continuing this awful behaviour if you stay…so you’ll be doing him and his daughter a favour by leaving. Maybe he’ll sort himself out, maybe he never will, or maybe he will eventually…but he definitely won’t if you stay with him, if you see what I mean.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/05/2023 13:23

Mentally abusive and controlling already? Together with a young daughter who completely opposes your relationship and is likely to put an horrendous strain on any future partnership..honestly I don't think this relationship has legs. For your own sake I'd walk away.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 13:24

He is controlling and abusive.
His dd just is NOT ready to see you being there more often, let alone live together. Assuming the partner who died was her mother, I think that’s quite understandable.

Either you step back and go back to seeing each other Wo his dd. Or I’d advise you to split.
Seeing the abuse and controlling behaviour, I’d encourage you to go for the second option. Despite his good sides and the good times.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 13:26

Values we sometimes disagree on. He's quite jealous, puts me on a pedestal and thinks because he can't give me the life I deserve I'll leave for someone better. I try to reassure him but sometimes falls on deaf ears.

Thats not a good thing or him really loving you. It’s another 🚩🚩🚩🚩

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 13:29

Do I just leave someone I love to live a miserable life, rather than try to work towards a better life for the 3 of us?

The only person who can make it better is him. He is the one who can change his behaviour and outlook. You can work towards a better life FOR HIM.
And if his life is miserable after you’ve left, it’s not because you have left and let him down. It’s because he has CHOSEN to not do the internal work on himself to process all that happened.

He is not a child. He doesn’t and shouldn’t rely on you to make things better for him.

Inertia · 29/05/2023 13:30

Is your abusive partner also abusive to his daughter?

Not only would I be getting the hell away from him, I would also be considering whether she is safe.

curiousitykilledthecake · 29/05/2023 13:33

Yup! OP my marriage has lots of good and no shit. Of course we bicker occasionally but not about anything serious and never to a level either could call the other abusive. You don't have to tolerate controlling and abusive behaviour. Your 'soul mate' wouldn't treat you like that. Walk away.

Janefx40 · 29/05/2023 13:39

I'm sorry you've found yourself in a tricky situation. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing by everyone.

I wanted to respond to something you said earlier.

You said:

"Do I just leave someone I love to live a miserable life, rather than try to work towards a better life for the 3 of us?"

The sad answer to that is yes. Love isn't enough for a relationship as depressing as that sounds. We can be in love with all kinds of people and most people have good sides even if they also come with challenges. But a good relationship has to have love plus respect, kindness, fun and a whole heap of other things.

Abuse is never part of that package. The jealousy thing is a bit of a trap. He may not intend to be manipulative but by saying you will leave him for someone else, you end up endlessly saying that isn't true and then getting trapped into staying to prove yourself.

Yes you would be miserable if you left at first, maybe even for a while. But you would recover and in time you would be happier than being in the wrong relationship.

I wish you all the best. It sounds like a very painful situation - only you can decide what is right for you in the end x

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/05/2023 13:44

He’s mentally abusive to you.

His daughter is flipping out about your relationship.

It’s only been two years.

Kindly, why the fuck are you trying to stay immersed in this absolute shit show?

Leave. Save yourself.

Seaoftroubles · 29/05/2023 13:49

Jealous, angry, controlling and mentally abusive. He is not your soul mate! Walk away OP, you can't fix him, he will not change just because you have sleepovers! You are heading for a miserable life with this sort of man. Also as @Peachy2005 suggests get some counselling for yourself to explore why your bar is set so low.

TedMullins · 29/05/2023 13:52

The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Whether it’s because of his trauma is immaterial - people who love someone and consider them a soulmate aren’t jealous and controlling or using them as an emotional punch bag. It’s not your job to fix him and you shouldn’t be willing to put up with any of this for a fantasy life that cannot, judging by what you’re describing, ever come true.

FloweryWowery · 29/05/2023 13:57

The soul mate thing can be wheeled out by him again and again as he continues to treat you like shit, but you believe you have some amazing connection that can't be bettered and constantly tie yourself in knots trying to appease him.

TheShellBeach · 29/05/2023 14:03

Oh OP, really?
Your want to get married to an abusive man?

peachgreen · 29/05/2023 14:07

Being bereaved is no excuse for using you as an emotional punchbag. He’s an abuser. That’s what he does. And I say this as someone who was widowed two and a half years ago.

LifeExperience · 29/05/2023 14:09

No, OP, there is no hope. Men don't change. What you marry is what you get; if anything bad tendencies become stronger over the years.

If the relationship is difficult now, it will become impossible in time. Leave.

Groutyonehereagain · 29/05/2023 14:10

Run for the hills @Needshelp90 . 💐

CurlyQueues · 29/05/2023 14:15

@Needshelp90 Absolutely everything you have said about this man points to him being abusive. Just about every PP has said so. Are you beginning to see your situation any differently?

I know it's not what you want to hear, I understand that you want to help these people but you can't. It will just get worse, nothing will be resolved because he doesn't want it to be resolved. Having you doing your utmost to make things better is exactly what he wants. People like him depend on chaos to have their victims where they want them.

We're not all saying this because we're behind a keyboard and want to paint him as a bad 'un; we've been there, we've experienced it and we are on the other side, knowing that there is a happy, peaceful life without the drama Flowers