Very tricky situation!

[Needshelp90]

Hi everyone,
I'm turning to Mumsnet for help as a last resort, tried everything I can think of. Please be kind.
I'll keep it as short and sweet as possible.
My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years. We got together not long after his previous partner passed away. They were technically together but she had been poorly for a long time, and he was more of a carer. Looking back, it was too soon for us, but we are where we are. He has a daughter, currently 11 years old. Everything started fine, we kept her in the dark for a long time before I was introduced as a friend, and then last summer he told her I'm more than a friend, and we went on holiday the 3 of us. We get on really well, days out together, I've taken her out without him, she's a lovely girl and seems to really like me. However she doesn't want her dad to be in a relationship. My partner is mentally abusive towards me and controlling, or tired to be anyway. He's angry a lot of the time and I put this down to the situation he has found himself in. I'm not making excuses for him, just try to put myself in his shoes. I think a lot of his insecurities and anger come from frustration at us not having a 'proper' relationship and not getting much time together. We love each other an incredible amount, but feel we've never really had the chance to build those real foundations a relationship needs. I'm at the point now I need the relationship to move forward or I know the abuse has no chance of stopping, or us all getting the life we deseve. He basically asked his daughter for permission for me to start having the odd sleepover and do more with them, she's flipped and said no basically and I don't know what to do now. He's saying there is nothing he can do unless she now approaches him and says its ok. Was he right to ask her permission? Do I walk away from someone I feel is good deep down, just has a lot of trauma? We both believe we are soul mates and are distraught by this. I'm just at a complete loss now. Please any advice is appreciated and please be kind xx

Hi, Yes it is making me see it very differently. Most of the comments are right, it's hard to hear but think it's what I needed. Thank you to you and everyone else for taking time to respond to me. I really appreciate it x

An abusive man doesn't stop being abusive if you spend more time with him.

That poor child

I'm glad. Do be careful, don't tell him you know he's being abusive. I hope you will find the strength to end the relationship. You'll need to handle that carefully as he will very possibly escalate; it's the most dangerous time for an abused woman. We are always here and there are DV charities that can advise on the safest way to end things.

“My partner is mentally abusive towards me and controlling, or tired to be anyway.”

erm bit of red flag there

Nothing tricky about this situation OP.

You’re with a man who is abusive. You should leave. End of story.

It will never get better.

Do I just leave someone I love to live a miserable life, rather than try to work towards a better life for the 3 of us?

Yes. He sounds awful tbh. Grief is no excuse for abuse. And asking his daughter for permission to ‘do more’ with you and have sleepovers?!?! 🤢🤢🚩🚩🚩 boundaries!! Poor kid.

You can't change an abusive man.

You will just be miserable. Don't waste your life on him.

All people deserve not to be abused, OP.
And abusive men become more abusive as time goes on.
I was idealistic when I was much younger. Forty years ago I couldn't see that the man who had already hit me more than once would simply carry on doing it after the wedding.
It took me ten years to get away from him.
I'm now 66.
Several years after the divorce, I met my now-husband.
Such a difference. We respect one another and there is no violence, aggression, controlling behaviour or unkindness.

Don't be me, OP. Don't hitch your idealistic wagon to an abusive star.

So far, everyone has said the same thing to you.
Nobody has suggested that marriage to this loser is a great idea.

You need to take the DD out of the equation. It is not your job to make her life happier, sadly.
And her dad's just a waste of time. Grief is not an excuse for being abusive.

How have your other relationships been generally? Any other abusers there?

No, I've never experienced anything like this before x

@ChiefPearlClutcher

Sorry to derail and I am not being flippant OP but

I am agog to know what you have in your fridge that is more than two years old? All I could come up with is a jar of anchovies, not that they would do three weeks in my house. Honey? But who keeps honey in the fridge?

Op, you sound like a kind and considerate person. I hope and think you can find someone more worthy of your love, tbh.

No.

You could stay with him and have a miserable life

One that's much harder to get away from

He's abusive and controlling. Please leave him. Please.

I spent years in an abusive relationship because I was seeing everything from his perspective and I was sorry for him. It got worse. He's a grown man. He has had a tough time but that doesn't excuse him one iota. Yes, this will get worse if you move in. You have had a lucky escape here. Please leave.

@yellowsmileyface’s post is all that needs to be said. 💯

At the same time I think OP is having a hard time taking it in because she has misdiagnosed the problem. She thinks he is basically a goid, loving, person who has anger management issues. So if she makes herself small enough and polishes his rough emotions she csn reveal the hidden diamond. Thats incorrect. He is an angry, manipulative, abusive person who is emotionally incontinent and who will use any means snd any reason to control and diminish OP.

Have a look at the Out of the Fog website or read their book ad well as Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Just experimentally! Just put aside your interpretation which is thst a grown man has no more ability to handle disappointment or distress than a toddler and try looking at his behavior critically. He is not a child. Whatever he does he chooses to do.

He is mentally abusive, controlling, uses you as an emotional punchbag, is jealous and is requiring your confirmation that you won’t leave. You are on no pedestal, stop deluding yourself.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen
yeah i am sometimes agog too haha! As a huge fan of Yotam Ottolenghi, I have bought soooo many jars of things that I just had to have at some ooint or another 🙄. At the moment a jar of powdered limes stare at me every time I open the fridge to get some milk, it has worked itself to the front and is just sitting there. Taunting me. Also scraped vanilla pods (for the sugar jar), a bottle of pomegranate molasses, rosewater, almond essence i bought for Christmas cookies but I had to buy a min of three, and the recipe calls for a tablespoon, and so on. I guess these things can go in the pantry but I keep in in the fridge so it lasts better.

OP - you have ONE life. This is not a dress rehearsal. You are worth SO MUCH more than this. Please leave them to it, get yourself on the freedom programme and don’t look back. You are not here to fix anybody. They are not your responsibility. His daughter is his responsibility and he should be seeking our councillors etc. And why are you over there in a flash if she wants you? You are being manipulated by both of them. I wish I can give you a big hug and wobble your head all in one go.

A mentally abusive and controlling partner will not suddenly have an epiphany and become a paragon of virtue because you marry him/ move the relationship forward.

Quite the opposite is by far the most likely scenario. He'll remain abusive, ramp it up and you will become trapped further and further in.

Dump him.

I'm sorry but the fact that you say he's abusive and controlling is really concerning. Maybe it is because of what he's been through but it doesn't sound as if he's in any fit state to be in any relationship. He needs to sort himself out first. Please save yourself the heartache. The fact that he's discussing this with his daughter and the rest of it is secondary imo.

How often is he physically violent?
Hits the walls?
Slams doors?
Drives aggressively?
Throws things?
Breaks things?

You're not being realistic about this. This poor girl's mother died less than 2 years ago, you say she was in the dark about your relationship for a long time, yet last summer, you were introduced as his girlfriend. That's less than a year after her mother died, so not a long time at all, really.
And you say that he is abusive, possibly because of his bereavement.
I can tell you that grief does not turn a normal person into an abuser, although they might be depressed.
I don't like the way you've described his relationship with his former partner, it sounds like you ( or more likely he) is making excuses for the speed with which you got together. It's not necessary, it's not unusual for bereaved men to find new partners very quickly, and if that works for them, then fine. But a child who has lost her mother is not going to feel the same.
Your post suggests that you are being gentle with this girl, that you do understand that it is too soon for her. It sounds like it is too soon for her father too, and that in any event he's not the lovely guy you thought he was.

@ChiefPearlClutcher
Thank you, I understand. Personally I keep these things in the spice drawer of doom.

I see your powdered limes and I raise you some unopened chicory essence which I bought in Boulogne about six years ago; it was on a display of local specialities. You are supposed to add it to ‘sweet and savoury dishes for an interesting hint of bitterness’. I suppose I so far have found my dishes interesting enough without it.

OP, I don't think that putting you on a pedestal and being mentally abusive and controlling can all be a part of a healthy relationship.

Your partner and his daughter seemingly have not resolved their feelings around the death of the wife and mother in a healthy manner. They may not want counseling, but that just leaves them both with unresolved issues.

You are experiencing far more conflict in this relationship than good times , and with no hope of resolution anywhere on the horizon.

You cannot wish or love this people better. You cannot fix them, and they do not see themselves in need of fixing.

I don't subscribe to the notion of soul mates. I would imagine if you step away from this unhealthy situation that your soul will probably mate yet again.

When a situation brings more pain than joy into your life , what possible reason is there for holding on to that situation?

Let them go. Maybe you will end up together, but they both have growing to do that does not involve you.

Oh, OP. Just - no.

You can't fix him and make his misery go away. He has to work on himself.
I think his DDs stance of not approving your relationship moving forward may unintentionally save you from further heartache.