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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could he be with another woman tonight?

102 replies

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 00:36

I’m feeling stressed and confused. I’m on holiday with a friend and the guy I have been dating for 1-1.5 yrs is being weird on texts (he is in our home country).

Tonight, when I text him, he doesn’t receive the whatsapp message for ages, then suddenly replies and the same thing happens again. When I say ages, I mean 45 mins. Currently it’s on one grey tick and has been like that for 1.5 hours.

This happens on and off when he’s in his flat and I put it down to bad reception before. I asked him back then and he said it was the reception.

Now I’m wondering whether he’s with someone else and is putting me on and off flight mode. I have a very vague memory of seeing him turning flight mode on at some point, months ago, but he moves his hands very quickly on his phone so I might be mistaken. Maybe those other times in his flat he was also keeping me quiet because he was with someone else.

He has form for being a big ambiguous with other people. We actually broke up and recently got back together and now I’m paranoid that he’s with someone else tonight and I can’t sleep.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/05/2023 00:57

This is a hell of a leap surely. You obviously don't trust him, I don't know if that's justified of not, whether there's previous issues?

But why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you trust so little?

kateislate · 29/05/2023 01:01

Unless he has form for going with other women, you need to chill out a bit. This comes across as a bit OTT on your part.

littleburn · 29/05/2023 01:03

He has form for being a big ambiguous with other people. We actually broke up and recently got back together and now I’m paranoid that he’s with someone else tonight and I can’t sleep.

It really sounds like you don't trust him for you to be jumping to those conclusions Are the ambiguity you refer to and the break up to do with cheating on his part?

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:03

Maybe I’m being paranoid.

He has lied in the past and has seen other people and only admitted it when caught.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:04

The ambiguity is him not being very clear with people. He seems to have a lot of overlap between relationships.

OP posts:
CallieQ · 29/05/2023 01:05

Not much point being in a relationship with someone if you have to keep checking whether they've got a double tick or not Confused

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:05

I don’t trust him but I really want him to be trustworthy. I want him to prove to me that he deserves my trust. I’m just wary of getting hurt again.

OP posts:
JauntyRedShoes · 29/05/2023 01:06

Focus on your holiday and enjoying yourself rather than speculating on what he may or may not be doing because you haven’t had a reply. Have a good time and evaluate the relationship when you get home. Stop messaging, put your energy into your break.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:07

If I ask him outright he will deny it and I will never know. I love him but I don’t want to be a fool over him.

OP posts:
littleburn · 29/05/2023 01:08

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:04

The ambiguity is him not being very clear with people. He seems to have a lot of overlap between relationships.

So cheating then! Unfortunately this is what life is like with someone who has form for not being trustworthy. Tonight could be perfectly innocent, but you know what's he's capable of and that will always play on your mind.

VeryWorriedDaughter · 29/05/2023 01:11

Bit of tough love here, but do you honestly think the best partner for you is someone who puts you on edge like this? The bare minimum to expect from someone you’re with is to be in a consistently steady relaxed and happy state because life is tough enough. If you can hand on heart say you’re relaxed and happy 99% of the time then it might all be a big coincidence with poor signal or him being legitimately busy. From the brief snapshot you’ve given it doesn’t sound like it. He’s not your person, so dump him and focus on your one special shot at being alive.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 01:11

I think you've been ignoring your instincts about this man for a long time. You don't trust him, that much is clear. Stop wasting your time and end it already.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:12

I should never have messaged him tonight. He has ruined my past 4 holidays.

  1. We met online then I went on holiday and we were texting 3 weeks by that point. We hadn’t even met. Then one night he decides he’s not ready for a relationship and isn’t over his ex. Then later changed his mind.
  2. We had been together over 3 months. Slept together for the first time then I went on holiday. While I was away he phoned me to confess he was confused about his feelings for a female friend. We broke it off and he later crawled back.
  3. The night before my summer holiday he tells me he’s not sure about us. Then later decides he is sure.
  4. We had broken up, no contact for 3 weeks then he texts me while I was away, ruining another trip.
I should never have let him ruin this trip too.
OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:16

He just messaged to say he was watching a film and he sent me the link to it.

I don’t know what to believe.

OP posts:
VeryWorriedDaughter · 29/05/2023 01:16

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:05

I don’t trust him but I really want him to be trustworthy. I want him to prove to me that he deserves my trust. I’m just wary of getting hurt again.

Just saw your update. You’re clinging on to false fantasy of what you want him to be, rather than looking at the reality of who this man actually is. Don’t blinker yourself with the made up guy in your head, because the one you’re actually putting energy into is a completely different kettle of fish. No amount of wishing is going to make the real man what you “want” him to be. If untrustworthy is who he is then you’ve got to decide if you can live with that.

Dery · 29/05/2023 01:16

@Jems42 - this guy is a waste of your time and energy. Just get him gone. Permanently.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 01:18

Oh he’s just a jerk. Why do you even want to be with this waster? He will never make you feel safe and loved. Stop wasting your life.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/05/2023 01:19

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:16

He just messaged to say he was watching a film and he sent me the link to it.

I don’t know what to believe.

It doesn't matter whether he's telling the truth. What matters is that you don't believe him.

Relationships are meant to be fun, especially this early in. You don't sound like you're having fun.

You don't trust this man, stop sinking your time and effort into him and find someone you can trust.

TheInterceptor · 29/05/2023 01:20

Bet your friend is having a whale of a time! Seriously OP, he was with someone else when you were at his flat. What makes you think he'll be faithful to you? No chance.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:21

He also just said “Enjoy the trip!!” and turned his wifi off again.
It made me feel like he was saying don’t message me again until after your trip. Maybe I’m being utterly paranoid and unreasonable.
Can I pull him up on this or does it make me look crazy?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 01:22

It is so sad that you are allowing this idiot to control your life. YOU DON'T TRUST HIM. Get rid already.

He's not the only man in the world, FFS.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 01:23

Can I pull him up on this or does it make me look crazy?

You are crazy for wasting your time on this bullshit. All I can gather is that you must be absolutely desperate to be in a relationship to put up with this.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:24

My friend is asleep and unaware of any of this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 01:24

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:24

My friend is asleep and unaware of any of this.

What difference does this make? 🥴

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:25

He’s very persuasive about being into me and appears very keen most of the time. It’s confusing.

OP posts: