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Original poster

Could he be with another woman tonight?

102 replies

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 00:36

I’m feeling stressed and confused. I’m on holiday with a friend and the guy I have been dating for 1-1.5 yrs is being weird on texts (he is in our home country).

Tonight, when I text him, he doesn’t receive the whatsapp message for ages, then suddenly replies and the same thing happens again. When I say ages, I mean 45 mins. Currently it’s on one grey tick and has been like that for 1.5 hours.

This happens on and off when he’s in his flat and I put it down to bad reception before. I asked him back then and he said it was the reception.

Now I’m wondering whether he’s with someone else and is putting me on and off flight mode. I have a very vague memory of seeing him turning flight mode on at some point, months ago, but he moves his hands very quickly on his phone so I might be mistaken. Maybe those other times in his flat he was also keeping me quiet because he was with someone else.

He has form for being a big ambiguous with other people. We actually broke up and recently got back together and now I’m paranoid that he’s with someone else tonight and I can’t sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:25

Regarding my friend, it’s because someone implied that my friend must be having a bad time because of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:27

He’s very charming and I just don’t know whether he’s telling me the truth or not. It’s his word against my instincts/paranoia. I don’t know what to believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:30

Looking back at our messages tonight, he didn’t do or say anything wrong. He even sent me a short voice note of him singing to me. I suppose he couldn’t have done that if he was with someone else.

Maybe he just wants some uninterrupted time to himself. That’s why he keeps turning his phone off?

OP posts:
Landndialamrhf · 29/05/2023 01:30

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:05

I don’t trust him but I really want him to be trustworthy. I want him to prove to me that he deserves my trust. I’m just wary of getting hurt again.

What you want him to be and what he is are two different things
sticking with him because you hope he’ll turn into someone else is not a productive use of your time.

he’s cheated on you and also broken up with you at least 4 times. He ruins your holidays on purpose - it’s too much of a coincidence that he’s ruined 4/5 of them.
look at who he actually is. The reality of him, not the fantasy

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:32

I find the phone off / flight mode thing a bit passive aggressive. Tonight, I texted, 45 minutes later he receives, reads and replies. By the time I reply (immediately) his phone is off again for another hour or more. This is when he was watching the film.

OP posts:
littleburn · 29/05/2023 01:33

Or maybe he just likes messing with your head? He has form for ruining your holidays and making what should be a fun, relaxing time all about him. Bigger picture OP, you don't trust him and can do much better than this manipulative flake.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:34

I don’t think he ruined my holidays on purpose but he’s very focused on himself so probably didn’t think or realise that his behaviour would hurt me or ruin my holiday.

OP posts:
PointyMcguire · 29/05/2023 01:35

Why don’t you think he’s doing it on purpose? It seems mighty convenient that every time you go away he creates drama so the focus is on him.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:36

It’s very hard because I love him and I want to be with him. He’s saying he wants to be with me too. So walking away from that is really hard for me.

We had a period of no contact earlier in the year and I was beginning to feel more calm but each time I step back from him he begs for another chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:39

Well let me think about it.

  1. Yes holiday 1 could have been on purpose but we hadn’t even met then and he did seem to have a genuine crisis going on with his ex.
  2. Holiday 2 he could have kept his situation to himself until after my holiday but he chose to share it mid holiday. Again it was brought about by external factors on a specific day.
  3. Yes this could have been on purpose
  4. He didn’t know I was away but the upsetting part of the conversation came once he did know.
  5. This trip… well I’m not sure if he’s actually done anything yet.
OP posts:
littleburn · 29/05/2023 01:40

Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:36

It’s very hard because I love him and I want to be with him. He’s saying he wants to be with me too. So walking away from that is really hard for me.

We had a period of no contact earlier in the year and I was beginning to feel more calm but each time I step back from him he begs for another chance.

But his words and his actions/behaviours don't match up. That's a huge red flag. Anyone can say anything, words are cheap. But his actions are he cheats, breaks up with you and ruins your holidays. Judge him by his actions, not by his words or his 'potential' to be a decent person and good boyfriend.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:40

My best friend (not the one I’m here with) was obviously worried that this would happen as she encouraged me to tell him I was having a detox from my phone before my holiday. She was worried that he would upset my holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:41

He doesn’t treat people very well.

OP posts:
Domino20 · 29/05/2023 01:41

You're upsetting your own holidays by behaving obsessively.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:42

@Domino20 Yes I’m wondering if it’s me and not him.

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 29/05/2023 01:43

This is way more work than relationships are meant to be, at least healthy relationships. Whether it's you or him is neither here nor there, though frankly I suspect it's a combination of both of you. You sound insecure and needy whilst he sounds untrustworthy. That's a recipe for disaster. Cut your losses and move on instead of hoping you can somehow make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

littleburn · 29/05/2023 01:45

We had a period of no contact earlier in the year and I was beginning to feel more calm but each time I step back from him he begs for another chance.

And this says so much! You feel calm when he's not in your life and messing with your head.

That he steps back in when you step back is also very revealing. Read up on narcissistic relationships and the idealise-devalue-discard and hoovering cycle.

porridgeisbae · 29/05/2023 01:47

I had one like that. He sounds like a user/player OP.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:51

@littleburn I knew a narc (a male friend) and he was such an extreme narc with the love bombing, triangulation, negging and eventual discard. Fortunately I realised what he was up to and my self esteem was good enough to know that the negging was just ridiculous. He discarded me but I was very happy with that. We haven’t contacted each other at all.

The guy I am dating never love bombed me. He possibly did the triangulation by mentioning exes, best friends who are female, women he fancied/fancies. He never tried to put me down though and he won’t ever discard. It’s only ever been me who has stepped back.

Every time I think it’s too upsetting, I step back, don’t contact him for a bit and it’s always him who wants to re establish contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:52

If he’s not interested, why does he keep begging me to come back?

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 29/05/2023 01:55

He begs for another chance = you say 'you made your choice, it's over.'

My one did that, phoned after dumping me an hour before. It's called a 'mock execution' designed to mess with your head.

I wish I'd told him where to go, then blocked him on everything.

How much more of this are you going to put up with? Please draw the line now. There are plenty of more decent blokes out there.

Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 01:56

@porridgeisbae do you think he does it on purpose and is aware?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 02:00

Until about 2 weeks ago, I had really decent self esteem. 2 weeks ago it dropped massively. I’m not even sure why. I went from thinking that I was attractive, a good catch, interesting, etc. Now I honestly don’t think anyone would be interested in me. I get no interest from anyone whatsoever. I know that I have a decent enough face but I’m overweight, getting older and no one ever fancies me. So you say there are plenty of other decent blokes out there but I’m not even getting terrible blokes (apart from this one) interested in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jems42 · 29/05/2023 02:01

I think the self esteem is something to do with this guy. I don’t know what changed. Maybe it was just the last straw.

OP posts:
littleburn · 29/05/2023 02:02

But every time he is telling you he's unsure about the relationship, has feelings for a female friend, isn't over his ex etc he is stepping back from the relationship and creating an ambiguity about where you stand. Then when you go no contact in response to this shitty treatment you become the desirable, shiny new thing again and he starts hoovering/decides he does want to be with you after all.

Maybe getting into the terminology of what he is (or isn't) isn't actually all that helpful though. Whatever he is, he's clearly not good for you!