Could he be with another woman tonight?

[Jems42]

I’m feeling stressed and confused. I’m on holiday with a friend and the guy I have been dating for 1-1.5 yrs is being weird on texts (he is in our home country).

Tonight, when I text him, he doesn’t receive the whatsapp message for ages, then suddenly replies and the same thing happens again. When I say ages, I mean 45 mins. Currently it’s on one grey tick and has been like that for 1.5 hours.

This happens on and off when he’s in his flat and I put it down to bad reception before. I asked him back then and he said it was the reception.

Now I’m wondering whether he’s with someone else and is putting me on and off flight mode. I have a very vague memory of seeing him turning flight mode on at some point, months ago, but he moves his hands very quickly on his phone so I might be mistaken. Maybe those other times in his flat he was also keeping me quiet because he was with someone else.

He has form for being a big ambiguous with other people. We actually broke up and recently got back together and now I’m paranoid that he’s with someone else tonight and I can’t sleep.

He actually suggested himself that he’s a narc but they don’t have that kind of awareness do they?

I have told him so many times to treat me well or go away. Then I walk away. I don’t feel like I can keep saying it because it’s beginning to look bad on me. Like I’m crazy and keep saying the same thing over and over again.

My alternative is to block him but I don’t want to hurt him and confuse him. He won’t understand where it has come from.

Ultimately whether he is aware/unaware, ruins your holidays on purpose or accidentally is irrelevant. The effect on you is the same. It doesn't make it better if he does it unintentionally, isn't a narc etc. Being single is better than being with someone you can't trust and who constantly messes you around.

OP, you sound very naive and young. Your posts read as if you’re in your late teens/early twenties.

I presume you don’t own a home with him or have children with him?

Bin the relationship off. You’ll never trust him and it is better to do it now before you’ve wasted more years of your life on this BS, and before your finances become entangled and children are potentially involved.

@Cornchip , thank you. We don’t live together or have children together. I’m not young but I suffered trauma in my youth that possibly stopped me from developing in the right way.

I keep trying to escape from him but he keeps pulling me back. All I want is his love so it’s really hard to reject him when he’s giving me what I want.

I blocked him before and he phoned me. If I blocked him on everything, he’ll email me or write me a letter or maybe even turn up at my house. I don’t think he will let me go because he gets such a boost from me.

Is he aware of your trauma?

I’d be concerned that he is using something that makes you vulnerable against you in the sense that he “knows” you’ll always be there and accept him back.

It sounds to me like he has found a “weakness” to exploit for his own gain. Someone who genuinely loves you wouldn’t leave and come back repeatedly, nor would they cause problems and ruin your trips away. They would want you to feel supported in the relationship and want you to enjoy yourself.

Please highly consider ending the relationship upon your return. Nothing good can come of this and you deserve so much more than what dregs he’s offering you.

He is a cheater. He has cheated on you in the past and he will likely do so in the future - he could be cheating right now for all you know. Some of the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated on so don't think this is something on you. I think it is hard to attract another chap when you're moping over some unreliable man.

I am just aghast at you not wanting to hurt him and confuse him and how he won't know where it has come from! He hasn't worried about hurting you before, has he? Believe me, he'll just think you found out about his latest "ambiguity".

Don't waste any more of your time and your self-esteem with this man. You might think that you love him but he is a man you should walk away from.

If he sends you a letter, burn it. If he turns up at your house, don't answer the door or take the Princess Anne approach and tell him "naff off". Think of him as particularly annoying vermin- try to picture him with whiskers..

I'm sorry @Jems42, but I think he just wants a rest from all of your texts. Imo what you should be doing is enjoying your holiday when you are awake, and sleeping when you should be asleep, and either not texting him at all, or only if you are replying to one of his.

Also, please do not play games with any relationships, so no "oh he made me wait for an hour to reply to my text, so I will make him wait for an hour and a quarter before I reply to his". Reply to him when it is convenient for you to answer him, if you are in the middle of doing something or talking to someone, don't even check to see who texted you. If however, you are not doing anything particularly fun or interesting at that time, then reply to him straight away if you want to (feel in the mood to communicate with him).

You should be relaxing and having fun with your friend, and too busy to miss him, otherwise it was not fair of you to go on holiday with your friend and yet be brooding about your boyfriend, and not fair on you either. Now please try and enjoy the rest of your holiday, and know that I am trying to be helpful, not mean 🌻

Or maybe he wants to act shady to play mind games and get your attention while you're on holiday. From your other post about previous holidays, maybe he gets jealous about you being away so likes to spoil the mood and put you on a downer. All the while saying "enjoy"

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Put your own phone in aeroplane mode, have a ball with your friend and end it when you're back. Regardless of whether he's with another woman tonight or not.

Please don’t do this to yourself, @Jems42. You’re worth far more than chasing after some loser who’s probably chasing after some skank. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t be chasing after him.

The biggest favour you do for yourself right now would be to acquire some self respect.

I know. I’ve been where you are. A leopard never changes it’s spots - whether you’re home or not, he’ll still be a loser, but you’ll be the one who loses.

Suggest you take his advice - enjoy your holiday with your friend, put him out of your mind and when you get home, sit him down for a proper conversation about your lack of trust, why you feel that way and what you would like him to do differently to help build it. If he’s receptive and prepared to put in the effort it may be worth staying with him. If not, bin him.

Fucking hell, you sound like an oblivious teenager. Stop being your own worst enemy. This man is shit and you are allowing him to use you.

Hi OP, as a woman who has cried and worried through many holidays over ridiculous, noncommittal and narcissistic men, my advice is to switch your phone off and concentrate on having a good time. I never thought I would meet anyone better or kinder so I put up with a lot of uncertainty and tears for many years. Eventually one of these narcissists dumped me and I was devastated, however 2 months later I met my husband and the rest is history. This guy does not have your best interests at heart. You deserve a nice holiday. Forget him, have a good time and see how YOU feel when you get back.

Good grief why keep going back to him? The first time he said he wasn’t sure should’ve been the last time. Why voluntarily sign up for this aggro and anxiety? He’s not worth it.

The fact is that he is being hot then cold with emotions , ,even to the point of being open to chatting online, then turning settings to offline
He knows exactly how he is playing with your heart and emotions by doing this

We cannot change the way partners behave towards us.

We do however, get to choose what our response will be

Think carefully about what everyone is saying here and consider the best response to show you being the best version of you.

You, re tying yourself in knots over this guy. Enjoy your holiday forget about him just now.

Why the hell are you with this man? You know he's horrible and you are letting him ruin your holiday. Given what you have said subsequently it's pretty clear that he ruins your holiday on purpose. What kind of man does that? Dump him, block him and stop thinking about him

Just tell him this isnt working for you any more and ask him not to contact you again.

Block him.

If he emails, delete it without reading.
If he writes a letter, burn it without opening.

Dating isn't supposed to be like this.

He goes hot and cold so you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. it’s deliberate. He comes back to you because it feeds his ego and he knows you will have him back.

This is not a healthy relationship and it will destroy you in the end. Please try and find the strength to leave, get some therapy and work on your self esteem. You deserve so much better than this.

I was all ready to respond 'you're being paranoid' to your original question, but he already has form for cheating, and he ruined your last four holidays?! What on earth are you doing staying with this man? The reason he's not proving to you that he's trustworthy is that he's not trustworthy! Acting keen on you (or even actually being pretty keen on you) doesn't mean he's going to magically become the faithful type.

If you want to stay in this relationship that's your choice. But recognise and be honest about your role in the repeated drama.

You could see a counsellor to investigate what is going on with you.

When you say 'all I want is his love' - that sounds unhealthy.