What happens with men like this?

[panthermoon]

Hello,
I am in my 40s and divorced with kids. Eight months ago I fell for a friend and we got together— my dream came true. I really felt very in love and like it was very romantic. I really love him and think he’s fantastic. We’re very close. Over time I found him not quite able to meet the same level of expression as me, to the point I’d say he’s quite frightened of showing his feelings about me at all. I think he’s quite frightened of falling in love and of needing someone particularly. He won’t say he loves me, though I can feel that it is the mutual feeling between us. His attempts to push me away can be quite hurtful, and recently I can feel myself begin to withdraw my heart from the relationship. I can feel myself kind of giving up: he’s never going to admit he properly wants me. His history backs this up, but I won’t go into it here. He’s not a player, more reserved. He’s really trying hard and I can believe he wants me more than anything, but he can’t say. My question is, what is the trajectory with this kind of man? Do they reach a certain point of trust and start to let barriers down? Or will he always be like this, and never really tell me he wants or needs or loves me. Does anyone have experiences of this, especially positive ones!
Thanks

Why do you want him to want you or needs you?
You sound like a teenager rather than a grown up.

That isn’t a very nice comment! Yes, I want to be loved. I’m not apologetic about it.

As he doesn't say he loves you, and he's pushing you away, have you considered he doesn't actually love you? All too often women blame the man's emotional hang-ups / difficult past when in reality they're just not that into you.

Does he show love in practical ways? My DH makes me breakfast most mornings, instinctively puts an arm out to protect me on rocky ground, surprises me with ice cream because I’ve been busy in the sun…all little ways he shows he cares as well as when he says it.

Yes I have considered that but he’s otherwise so kind and attached, always trying to do things for me and keep in touch. I have actually asked him outright if he is not that into me and described how I feel and he assures me he is but I can see him struggle with admitting it. I know he’s good, I’m just asking if anyone has had an emotionally unavailable man who later opened up.

Yes, @StMarysTrainee he is very much like that— loving with actions

What real life things has he done to make you believe he wants you but cannot say? Other than having sex with you and looking brooding and complicated?

On the face of it it just sounds like a headfuck which will cause you great pain either now, or later on. But it will. Best end it now.

I've been with my husband over 17yrs.
He's a lot like you describe your partner.

He doesn't really push me away, though did a couple of times in our very early days. Sometimes I wish I had gone down that route.

It can be tough sometimes being with him because he rarely initiates any physical contact, certainly no emotional connection, super rare to say he loves me (4 times in 17+yrs!).

My experience is that the barriers, as you put it, haven't come down.

I'd consider him as emotionally unavailable (when I heard the term and researched it, it fit well).

For your own sake walk away from him. Men are quite straightforward with this and I'd be inclined to say believe him when he shows you who he is.

Having been with someone who could be described as 'emotionally unavailable' my advice is finding yourself psychoanalysing your partner and having to invest emotional energy in explaining away why he is the way he is never a good sign!

*, is never a good sign.

I've also spent many years with one of these "emotionally unavailable" men and feel I missed out on so much being with him. whereas friends partners would make a fuss and spoil them on special occasions such as valentines day and birthdays not a bloody thing from my dp it was always upsetting and a let down. but I was young when we got together . funny thing was I knew he loved me deep down but Could never show it. Being older and wiser I'd want more back from a relationship now. do yourself a favour op and walk away as you'll only face years of disappointment as I did.

This.

If he wanted to say and do these things to make you happy, he would. Or he would be in therapy to held him with whatever trauma you think is stopping him.

No it won’t get better, this is the most effort he will ever make.

Is he on the spectrum?

The saying "When a person shows you who they really are, believed them", comes to mind.

Ffs autistic people can say 'I love you'.

He might be one of those men where he isn't emotionally available... to you, but would be to some other woman. He may like you, but he doesn't consider you The One for him.

This is your dream come true - to be with your friend.

It doesn't sound like it's his dream come true and maybe he doesn't wasn't to hurt you, and doesn't want to ruin the friendship.

Has he said that it's his dream come true too? If so, what took so long?

Don't know much about some autism then!!!!!

Wtf I'm autistic and I can still love. Sometimes I can love too much!

Let's ditch the autism.

How long have you known him OP?

Are you in the least bit aware of how fucking offensive this statement is.
Everyone is a fucking NDD expert these days

How would him saying that stuff have any bearing whatsoever on whether he meant it?
It's just such a little part of loving. DH need never say I love you again as long as he lives, but while he still pushes my Dad around in a wheelchair, still fixes adult sons toilet, still brings me tea, still makes me little laminated cards saying 'I am a cealiac ' in the language of whatever country we are visiting, then I know that he does.

Sounds like you are trying to make this relationship into something it isn't, maybe he won't say he loves you because he doesn't feel it

My DP can’t (ASD+Alexithymia).

I'd go for actions over words tbh.