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Original poster

What happens with men like this?

93 replies

panthermoon · 28/05/2023 22:54

Hello,
I am in my 40s and divorced with kids. Eight months ago I fell for a friend and we got together— my dream came true. I really felt very in love and like it was very romantic. I really love him and think he’s fantastic. We’re very close. Over time I found him not quite able to meet the same level of expression as me, to the point I’d say he’s quite frightened of showing his feelings about me at all. I think he’s quite frightened of falling in love and of needing someone particularly. He won’t say he loves me, though I can feel that it is the mutual feeling between us. His attempts to push me away can be quite hurtful, and recently I can feel myself begin to withdraw my heart from the relationship. I can feel myself kind of giving up: he’s never going to admit he properly wants me. His history backs this up, but I won’t go into it here. He’s not a player, more reserved. He’s really trying hard and I can believe he wants me more than anything, but he can’t say. My question is, what is the trajectory with this kind of man? Do they reach a certain point of trust and start to let barriers down? Or will he always be like this, and never really tell me he wants or needs or loves me. Does anyone have experiences of this, especially positive ones!
Thanks

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 29/05/2023 02:38

Have you considered that he IS available in that he is kind to you and does lots to show you he cares but has a different communication style to you? You’ve described him as reserved as a person - presumably you knew he was that way as he was a friend first. You’ve also only been dating eight months so it’s still pretty early days.

Some people are not easy with their emotional expression and they don’t take saying things like I love you lightly. You seem to have been all in from the get go since it was your dream come true - but you don’t sound like you’re really accepting the sort of person he is and how he expresses his affection.

What are the things he’s done to push you away? Is it not saying I love you in the timeframe and way you’d like or other things?

suburbophobe · 29/05/2023 02:45

He sounds emotionally incontinent.

Many men are. Up to you if you want to live like that.

You are allowed to have your own agency and say "it's not for me".

suburbophobe · 29/05/2023 02:50

Oh, see you have kids.

I always put them and their needs before any man hanging around, expecting me to fix his!

Mrsmillshorse · 29/05/2023 03:12

Shrodinger's lover

If he doesn't act like he loves you, does he even love you? What are you getting out of the relationship?

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 29/05/2023 03:18

He sounds nonchalant. I’m personally not a fan of that type of men

DreamTheMoors · 29/05/2023 03:26

giggly · 29/05/2023 00:48

Are you in the least bit aware of how fucking offensive this statement is.
Everyone is a fucking NDD expert these days

Show quote history

@giggly

Thank you. I. Am. Sick. To. Death. Of. This.

Mumuser124 · 29/05/2023 03:57

Maybe he is just ‘making sure’?. He may well be falling in love with you but isn’t ready to fully commit yet? He may be somebody who takes things very seriously and will only once say he loves you when he’s ready to spend the rest of his life with you?

Also, have you considered he’s protecying himself somewhat, you are recently devoted and he may be taking things slowly for that reason too?

pockledigg · 29/05/2023 07:36

I walked away from a similar situation 4 months ago, after an on-off relationship lasting 5.5 years. I am getting over him, slowly. Meanwhile, he is messaging me regularly (I respond very briefly), and leaving flowers on my doorstep.... I don't think I want him any longer, but by removing myself from his life he seems to finally be valuing me (or he is playing games, which sadly is very likely).

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 07:39

You had a nice time together. The honeymoon phase is over and you realise neither of you are as in to each other as you’d like to go forward. You say goodbye and thanks for the memories and move on. Stop overthinking and stop telling someone how they feel. It’s totally not a good look.

FinallyHere · 29/05/2023 08:28

Yeah, keeping on doing the same thing and expecting to get a different response is an absolutely textbook form of madness

Only you can decide whether he does truly love you but doesn't express his love in the way your would like or just isn't that into you, for whatever reason.

Keeping on, just hoping something will change is, I'm very sorry to say, just foolish.

Can you live with the relationship exactly as it is now, and not how it could be if he changed?

SpringleDingle · 29/05/2023 08:34

I invested 3 years in mr emotionally unavailable. He remained so and when I ended the relationship he was angry and nasty and blamed me for expecting more from him than he could give.. maybe he was right but it was a giant headfuck!

ThisWormHasTurned · 29/05/2023 08:43

Key question for me is - what’s he doing when he pushes you away? I had a relative who could never say he loved us (very difficult upbringing) but he treated us with respect and if we said “I love you” he’d say something like “You know that’s reciprocated”. But if he’s treating you nicely sometimes then being unkind, that’s a massive red flag.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/05/2023 08:54

loving with actions

Except when he's pushing you away? Even if it is just a matter of different communication styles, it doesn't sound like you're compatible. Can you go back to being friends and look for love with someone more expressive? It doesn't sound like you can be happy with someone not so forthcoming.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 29/05/2023 10:06

giggly · 29/05/2023 00:48

Are you in the least bit aware of how fucking offensive this statement is.
Everyone is a fucking NDD expert these days

Show quote history

Thanks @giggly . I have two kids who are autistic and they probably tell me they love me about once a day.

PintoMilk · 29/05/2023 11:23

I do think that there are men who don't want to express 'I love you' by saying it often or at all. They may prefer doing things to help you or similar, it's a different 'love language'.

I'm not sure they change significantly. My ex didn't, he was aloof at the start and aloof at the end. It wasn't a very loving relationship ever tbh.

Blueskies13 · 29/05/2023 11:31

Read up on attachment styles. He is avoidant. You are possibly the opposite. It will relate to upbringing. However don’t be blinkered if he isn’t feeling what you are feeling.

Whataretalkingabout · 29/05/2023 23:48

Yep, definitely sounds like avoidant attachment style and emotionally unavailable. They do not change , certainly not for the better. A huge disappointment. You will always be hoping for what you never get. It breaks you down, you wonder if there is something wrong with you, you loose your self confidence. Sure he may have other qualities, but they are not worth the price you pay. And they get colder as the age. Ask me how I know....

Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 14:23

I really appreciate all of the thoughtful posts

OP posts:
Gottobecake · 30/05/2023 17:39

Whataretalkingabout · 29/05/2023 23:48

Yep, definitely sounds like avoidant attachment style and emotionally unavailable. They do not change , certainly not for the better. A huge disappointment. You will always be hoping for what you never get. It breaks you down, you wonder if there is something wrong with you, you loose your self confidence. Sure he may have other qualities, but they are not worth the price you pay. And they get colder as the age. Ask me how I know....

This is all a very familiar description of my experience over the years.
Gets harder and harder to cope with.

Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 18:42

I would protect your heart. It sounds as though he may not be able to make an emotional commitment. I have been there with miex it's heartbreaking.

Untrusting · 30/05/2023 19:21

Honestly I'm here in solidarity and gathering the courage to end things 1 year on as it doesn't get better and everything the previous poster said about questioning yourself and feeling like your self esteem is wavering is exactly where I am and it's horrible. It suited me fine at the beginning as I'm reserved when I meet someone and run a mile at love bombing but a year on? You should know how you feel about someone and I still couldn't say for certain that he does feel deeply for me.

All I keep saying to myself is that when it's right it should feel good and too much of the time I feel sad so therefore I can't carry on.

Have also tried talking about it and similarly again he said he's been told his not very good at showing emotions and I don't need Lots but I do need some and he's not the one for me if I want a happy future. It's just hard ending things when we have a nice time together and there hasn't been 'a really bad thing' happen if you see what I mean.

Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 19:50

Untrusting · 30/05/2023 19:21

Honestly I'm here in solidarity and gathering the courage to end things 1 year on as it doesn't get better and everything the previous poster said about questioning yourself and feeling like your self esteem is wavering is exactly where I am and it's horrible. It suited me fine at the beginning as I'm reserved when I meet someone and run a mile at love bombing but a year on? You should know how you feel about someone and I still couldn't say for certain that he does feel deeply for me.

All I keep saying to myself is that when it's right it should feel good and too much of the time I feel sad so therefore I can't carry on.

Have also tried talking about it and similarly again he said he's been told his not very good at showing emotions and I don't need Lots but I do need some and he's not the one for me if I want a happy future. It's just hard ending things when we have a nice time together and there hasn't been 'a really bad thing' happen if you see what I mean.

Goodness this resonates with me. It's really hard, but same here, I had months of anxiety and feeling as though I was just not enough.

Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:01

I’m sorry to hear that @Untrusting and @Livelifelaughter, I really have these same feelings. It’s such a shame as I did fall in love with him and he is perfect for me in all other ways. He just seems unable to go beyond shallow. It feels like he doesn’t love me, even if he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:02

Do you think eventually these guys match up with women who are the same and it all pans out?

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 20:06

panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:02

Do you think eventually these guys match up with women who are the same and it all pans out?

Well before me my ex said he often had long distance relationships (as in people in other countries) or quite casual relationships that then fizzled out...

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