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Original poster

What happens with men like this?

93 replies

panthermoon · 28/05/2023 22:54

Hello,
I am in my 40s and divorced with kids. Eight months ago I fell for a friend and we got together— my dream came true. I really felt very in love and like it was very romantic. I really love him and think he’s fantastic. We’re very close. Over time I found him not quite able to meet the same level of expression as me, to the point I’d say he’s quite frightened of showing his feelings about me at all. I think he’s quite frightened of falling in love and of needing someone particularly. He won’t say he loves me, though I can feel that it is the mutual feeling between us. His attempts to push me away can be quite hurtful, and recently I can feel myself begin to withdraw my heart from the relationship. I can feel myself kind of giving up: he’s never going to admit he properly wants me. His history backs this up, but I won’t go into it here. He’s not a player, more reserved. He’s really trying hard and I can believe he wants me more than anything, but he can’t say. My question is, what is the trajectory with this kind of man? Do they reach a certain point of trust and start to let barriers down? Or will he always be like this, and never really tell me he wants or needs or loves me. Does anyone have experiences of this, especially positive ones!
Thanks

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 30/05/2023 20:07

I spent 3 years fawning after a man who although showed me in many ways he cared but never committed openly. He was kind and caring, did little things to show me he thought of me and was fiercely protective of me. However he would never say he loved me or show me affection in public or want to openly in a relationship.

One day he ghosted me and moved in with another woman, got with her and they are still together now. Very well suited by all accounts and very happy together.

If They want to, they will.

Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:13

So mine isn’t awful. He does openly tell everyone we’re in a relationship and is proud of it. He’ll say things like ‘I really like you’ and ‘you’re the one for me’ and also he’ll do lots of things to make my life nice and make sure I feel noticed. Our relationship isn’t long distance but we do live quite a way apart which I think he likes.

The trouble is he isn’t forthcoming and is often withholding in ways that hurt me. For instance he’ll sometimes make fun of something that’s upset me, or refuse to hug me randomly. He also did a thing at the start where he made me jealous of other women by showing them attention and intimacy (but not cheating). He’s made me insecure and I wonder if in some way it’s even on purpose.

OP posts:
Itsanotherhreatday · 30/05/2023 20:15

Ofcoarse it’s on purpose! He’s reeled you in! Were you vulnerable at the start of the relationship?

Speedweed · 30/05/2023 20:16

"It feels like he doesn't love me, even if he does."

You know why it feels like that OP... It's because he doesn't, and you know it.

It sounds like one of those romances where people get into it because on paper it should work (same situation, great friends already etc), but one party just doesn't develop the deeper feelings, and then feels bad because it should work in theory, and the other person hasn't done anything wrong, and you both seem compatible, but it never gets off the ground.

In my experience the way these things pan out is that I obsess with friends and we coming up with all sorts of emotional diagnoses (trust issues! reserved personality! difficult childhood! never been in such a wonderful relationship before! communication issues!), then he and I have a tortured ending (obviously he's massively relieved but can't say so), then I hear at some point he's now married to the love of his life, is incredibly happy etc. I feel sad, frustrated (why wasn't it me?), then a few years later, with some hindsight I can see that really we weren't right for each other, and I admire his bravery in calling it, rather than accepting an average relationship with me.

But that's just my (repeated) experience 😖 Sorry it's not positive.

Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:19

Yes I was vulnerable at the start

OP posts:
TUCKINGFYP0 · 30/05/2023 20:32

panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:13

So mine isn’t awful. He does openly tell everyone we’re in a relationship and is proud of it. He’ll say things like ‘I really like you’ and ‘you’re the one for me’ and also he’ll do lots of things to make my life nice and make sure I feel noticed. Our relationship isn’t long distance but we do live quite a way apart which I think he likes.

The trouble is he isn’t forthcoming and is often withholding in ways that hurt me. For instance he’ll sometimes make fun of something that’s upset me, or refuse to hug me randomly. He also did a thing at the start where he made me jealous of other women by showing them attention and intimacy (but not cheating). He’s made me insecure and I wonder if in some way it’s even on purpose.

He sounds really manipulative.

Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:55

I have been charitably wondering if he has issues of some kind that are leading him to behave like this.

OP posts:
Room102 · 30/05/2023 21:14

My DP can’t (ASD+Alexithymia).

And? Lots of individual autistic and NT people have all kinds of different characteristics that have absolutely nothing to do with their neurotype. Autistic people have been shown to have MORE empathy on average, so these bizarre conjectures trying to attribute any unpleasant or undesireable behaviours to autism on every single thread are not only offensive and tiresome but also ignorant and deluded.

BigFatLiar · 30/05/2023 21:19

Do you know his past? Has he been badly hurt in the past and is having trouble giving full commitment in case it happens again?

powershowerforanhour · 30/05/2023 21:29

"he’ll sometimes make fun of something that’s upset me, or refuse to hug me randomly. He also did a thing at the start where he made me jealous of other women by showing them attention and intimacy (but not cheating). He’s made me insecure and I wonder if in some way it’s even on purpose."

Dick moves x 3
Not caused by being neurodiverse and not the fault of his ex
Just dick moves
Plonk him back in the friendzone if you can bear to, if not then dump sorry

NeverendingCircus · 30/05/2023 21:31

It sounds like you wish he behaved in a way he is unlikely ever to behave, and that you hope the relationship will deepen and progress whereas he is stalling it where it is. However much you like him, I'd see this as a problem unless yu decide that you'd rather keep what you have, as it is and enjoy it on its own terms. But if deep down you want it to develop, I think you'll never be satisfied.

If you distance yourself, does he even notice?

powershowerforanhour · 30/05/2023 21:32

"Do you know his past? Has he been badly hurt in the past and is having trouble giving full commitment in case it happens again?"

Meh. Sounds like he's read Yeats' "Never Give All The Heart". I like Yeats but that poem really is the manipulator's manifesto- with a side order of woman blaming.

Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 21:50

panthermoon · 30/05/2023 20:13

So mine isn’t awful. He does openly tell everyone we’re in a relationship and is proud of it. He’ll say things like ‘I really like you’ and ‘you’re the one for me’ and also he’ll do lots of things to make my life nice and make sure I feel noticed. Our relationship isn’t long distance but we do live quite a way apart which I think he likes.

The trouble is he isn’t forthcoming and is often withholding in ways that hurt me. For instance he’ll sometimes make fun of something that’s upset me, or refuse to hug me randomly. He also did a thing at the start where he made me jealous of other women by showing them attention and intimacy (but not cheating). He’s made me insecure and I wonder if in some way it’s even on purpose.

OP this sounds exactly like my ex he would say "I really like you" and later "I am crazy about you, I adore you" honestly it didn't bother me he didn't say he loved me. All his friends knew about me and I met some but he compartmentalised the relationship.
Regarding your point about other women my ex had quite a few female friends and once told told me at a work event he spent the whole evening talking to another woman; he later apologised. He was always incredibly attentive and thoughtful when we were together but he would blow hot and cold. He told me felt he had something wrong with him that stopped him making attachments.

Original poster
panthermoon · 30/05/2023 21:51

@Livelifelaughter did you break up over this issue?

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 22:00

panthermoon · 30/05/2023 21:51

@Livelifelaughter did you break up over this issue?

A number of things in his life came to a head ; messy divorce (he had been separated for 4 years), company he couldn't cope being in a relationship. When we spoke about it he said he just felt overwhelmed by being in a serious relationship. I was/am devastated. He was incredibly upset too.

barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 22:01

LadyJ2023 · 29/05/2023 00:39

Don't know much about some autism then!!!!!

Show quote history

Ummmm. Wow.
autistic people can love. Just wow. You’ve got very outdated ideas and info.

barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 22:04

Sorry to derail- I am just shocked sometimes at the fucking ignorance. “On the spectrum,” indeed. 🙄🙄

to go back to your question: if it doesn’t work for you, OP, it doesn’t work for you. We can’t change people.

some people are simply more stoic, or this could also be a love languages thing -

ask yourself if you can be happy as things are, without pushing or angling for any change. That will help you come to a decision.

Original poster
panthermoon · 31/05/2023 06:40

No, just to confirm as OP this is not about being on the spectrum at all

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 31/05/2023 06:51

It doesn't matter what trajectory they follow does it really? It matters that you're not getting what you want.

Relationships are partnerships, with both people on the same page about most stuff and generally the important stuff. You decide what the important stuff is (it could be how they vote, it could be that they love gigs, how they speak to women, how they treat their children, whatever is important to you). He's not on the same page. Which to me, makes the relationship look one sided and like hard work.

For me, in a relationship I want joy. I want to feel like part of a team. I want to feel like we're even. Like we're in it together.

You need to decide what you want and whether you're getting it. I think women are conditioned to think that thinking like this is selfish and unseemly. Which is why so many women are in crappy relationships. You see it on here all the time. This one thing that dp does that I don't like: is it enough to end the relationship when the rest is ok? Yes. If its the important thing!

So, my advice? Ask your self what you want and if you're getting it. If the answer is no, move on! Don't be strung along, with the hope that it'll get better. It won't. You'll just learn to accept the crumbs.

Original poster
panthermoon · 31/05/2023 07:20

That’s really helpful. I’ve been being far too desperate about this relationship I’ve realised. Chasing someone who is pushing me away.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 31/05/2023 07:50

panthermoon · 31/05/2023 07:20

That’s really helpful. I’ve been being far too desperate about this relationship I’ve realised. Chasing someone who is pushing me away.

Sadly, I was the same. I compromised to the extent that I was always mindful about how he was feeling, whether he was alright to the extent that I was so anxious and on the edge the whole time. In the end when things got difficult for him he put himself first and ended things. It hurt me so much. Please think carefully about whether you want this relationship.

Original poster
panthermoon · 31/05/2023 08:01

Thanks, @Livelifelaughter,

I never thought this man would end up like this. He previously had a long relationship, has kids, is very liked by everyone, seems caring, is clever. I am surprised.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 31/05/2023 09:25

panthermoon · 31/05/2023 08:01

Thanks, @Livelifelaughter,

I never thought this man would end up like this. He previously had a long relationship, has kids, is very liked by everyone, seems caring, is clever. I am surprised.

This is so similar. My ex had been married for over 20 years and had children but the marriage (according to him) was completely dead for many years so he led this separate life. I think he almost couldn't cope with being in a "normal" relationship with me..

Original poster
panthermoon · 31/05/2023 09:33

Gosh that sounds similar, to the extend I wonder if it was the same man!

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 31/05/2023 09:38

panthermoon · 31/05/2023 09:33

Gosh that sounds similar, to the extend I wonder if it was the same man!

I will PM you !