What happens with men like this?

[panthermoon]

Hello,
I am in my 40s and divorced with kids. Eight months ago I fell for a friend and we got together— my dream came true. I really felt very in love and like it was very romantic. I really love him and think he’s fantastic. We’re very close. Over time I found him not quite able to meet the same level of expression as me, to the point I’d say he’s quite frightened of showing his feelings about me at all. I think he’s quite frightened of falling in love and of needing someone particularly. He won’t say he loves me, though I can feel that it is the mutual feeling between us. His attempts to push me away can be quite hurtful, and recently I can feel myself begin to withdraw my heart from the relationship. I can feel myself kind of giving up: he’s never going to admit he properly wants me. His history backs this up, but I won’t go into it here. He’s not a player, more reserved. He’s really trying hard and I can believe he wants me more than anything, but he can’t say. My question is, what is the trajectory with this kind of man? Do they reach a certain point of trust and start to let barriers down? Or will he always be like this, and never really tell me he wants or needs or loves me. Does anyone have experiences of this, especially positive ones!
Thanks

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could have a thread that wasn’t derailed by some armchair psychologists diagnosing people they’ve never met with ASD/ADHD/neurodivergence and the subsequent pile on that does nothing to actually help the OP?

OP, it sounds like this man is not meeting your needs and as a consequence you are finding your relationship disappointing, in spite of having early high hopes. Your update suggests he is quite manipulative and wants to keep you at arms length, both physically in terms of distance, and emotionally. Neither of you are necessarily in the wrong, but this relationship is no longer making you happy and in the longer term is unlikely to give you what you need. And therefore, I think you should break it off, in order to free you to meet someone who is a better fit for you.

Yes do @Livelifelaughter

I know it works for many people, getting into a relationship with a friend - but this is the flipside you seldom hear about. I did the same, and honestly I think it sort of fast-forwarded the emotions in my mind. Turns out he was like a completely different person once I was in a romantic rather than friendship context, much colder in some ways. It felt way worse than if a casual new relationship had started behaving weirdly/distantly because you are FRIENDS and you are already invested.

This guy isn't for you, OP. It's really sad, I know. But he's not making you feel safe, happy and loved. That's what should be at the heart of all relationships.

I was with a emotionally unavailable man for 8 years.

He had his own place, I had mine and I genuinely thought it was what I wanted. I was free to be young and go out and do things! .... but in reality I was staying home just in case he came by. He was a great person, kind, gentle and very intelligent. He just had the emotional range of a small rock.

You asked the question as to what happens to these type of men?

He still lives on his own and occasionally has a GF but it doesn't last long. especially as he is getting even more unavailable and distant as he ages. He has lots of ExGF who he remains friendly with (me included), and we all genuinely care for him because he is a very good friend. Just a terrible partner.

There are some read flags here OP but just to share my own experience with an emotionally unavailable man with an avoidant attachment style and different 'love language' to me. Both in our 40s, I fell for him after a few months and spent more than 4 years wanting him to tell me he loved me and trying to do or say the thing that would unlock him. He showed it in actions, we got on brilliantly, and we were very sexually compatible, but he just couldn't talk about his feelings.

Eventually I got to the point last summer where I'd decided it couldn't go on, had resigned myself to that, and I quite calmly said 'Look, I absolutely don't want you to say anything you don't feel, but I'm in love with you and I'm not being fair on myself and you're not being fair on me if you carry on getting all the benefits of this relationship knowing how I feel about you and it not being reciprocated, so I think it's time we moved on as friends.'

His reaction was blind panic. He blurted out that he did love me, couldn't be without me, and just found it very hard to express. He was almost in tears. We're still together and he does now tell me he loves me (not all the time!) and is a lot more expressive in general. I asked him last week when we were having a lovely cuddle why he held out on me for so long and he said "I was scared. But I didn't want to lose you. And now I'm in deep."

I think the key was getting to a point where I had total non-attachment to the outcome of that initial conversation - I had stopped trying so hard and really was prepared to let him go and was completely OK with that even though I knew it would be sad and painful. It worked out in my case. Maybe it will for you too, or maybe he's just not the one for you and vice versa. Good luck, be gentle with yourself, and look after your heart.

Thank you @SoScarletItWasMaroon

i think I will end up having a similar conversation and getting to a similar place.

@Wisterical @WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter @giggly @DreamTheMoors @TUCKINGFYP0 @ShandaLear
Thank you for enlightening me with regards to being on the spectrum. I guess being in my 50s and being autistic and having asd dc isn't enough expertise.
Thank you to others who agree that it is a valid point. Many many asd people find it hard to express how they feel in words. This is not an insult. Whilst asd people can express in words it is VERY atypical for this to be difficult for many. It would be remiss not to consider it

This thread is bringing back some traumatic memories!! so many similar experiences!
I really think that the answer is that men like this, sadly do not change, though we desperately want them to. I wish I'd had the foresight to end my relationship much earlier.

Here though the problem was with you, you thought you wanted the seperate life's but your actions were that you were limiting yourself to wait for him rather than enjoying the opportunity to have that close friendship along with the freedom.

He's probably still living the same way because that's how he likes his life.

I just went back to read your OP. So he was a friend first. I'm sorry but these aren't the actions of a friend, let alone a living partner.

*loving!

Living's a start I guess 🤣

While I do agree up to a certain point, I cant agree that it how he wants to live his life.

He is incredibly conflicted as a person. While he is single all he wants to be is in a relationship and while he is in a relationship all he wants to be is single. Its a very damaging dynamic. Especially for any woman starting a relationship with him, because at the beginning the relationship he is open, funny, caring, smart and great companion.

He is a wonderful partner but as the relationship progresses and moves to the point that feelings start to deepen he starts to distance slowly at first. One step at a time and the woman feels it. He slowly closes down and the woman is left confused and bereft of the wonderful person they were in a relationship with - they have seen the person he could be and its like being in the path of the sun. Warm, vibrant and uplifting and now suddenly they are blinking in the cool shade. He ramps up and up the closing down until squeezes the life out of it until its dead and he is single. Then the cycle starts again....

We, of his ex GF club, all recognise this because its a pattern that repeats, and now he is older he just gets to the squeeze faster and faster.

So no, its not how he wants to live his life and if you ask him he would tell you that. He is just stuck in a pattern of behaviour he cant, and to be frank wont break.

Weirdly women find it irresistible, even if forewarned because they want to be 'the one', the one that breaks the cycle, the one that special enough that they get to keep the 'real him' and stay in the sun......its a total headfuck.

Flabbergasted, thank you for posting this, so accurate and eloquently put. I feel so broken. My relationship ended a few months ago and was exactly like this. He was amazing and attentive and I fell completely in love but then as you say he started to distance to withdraw. The ex girlfriends club resonates with me too, I couldn't quite understand how he could have quite so many but now I do understand. Thank you again for sharing this.

Why aren't you listening when he shows you who he is?

I can only answer this question in relation to my relationship (and not the OPs - Sorry to derail a bit)

When I talk about being in the first stages of the relationship i need to stress that it was perfect... I mean it absolutely. It was perfect, no rose tinted glasses, no love bombing here, he was perfect and genuine connection that you feel to you toes. It was joyful, loving and everything you have dreamed of.

Now imagine, you have experienced that high, that joy and that feeling of being cared for.... and slowly incrementally like a cloud that starts to cover the sun things cool.

You don't think 'he showing me who he is' you think you have already seen who he is and it was perfect - this is something else, this is something you must have done. This is something that needs to be fixed because it was perfect before, so it can be again, right?

you stay for the original high but in the end you realise it was a great trailer for a terrible film.

The trajectory OP is that he will carry on as he is, and you will either come to accept it or decide you want someone with demonstrably deeper feelings, and leave. Alternatively, he may decide he wants fewer demands around his feelings from you, or meet someone for whom he feels more deeply and leave.
You can neither force feeling, or for what feeljng there is to be expressed in a certain way. If he's not feeling or expressing it to your satisfaction now, it's highly unlikely that will change.

I'm autistic too and have had no problem loving or expressing love. I am happy to say 'I love you' when I do. I'd be wary of lying to someone, so if they asked if I loved them and I didn't, I wouldn't say I did.

That might be what you're getting, OP. Just an honest person.

Yes. I didn't know who the authentic person was, was it the close connected one who I spent hours talking to or the one who couldn't spend a weekend with me because it was just too much for him six months along