Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you know deep down that divorce was a mistake....

86 replies

cherrytattoo · 28/05/2023 15:59

I appreciate that most people will say 'No! Best thing that ever happened to me!.....and for those people, I'm really pleased it worked out.

However, there must be others out there (like me) who truly believe that divorce was the wrong thing? My ex had an affair and within a week, I filed for divorce. We didn't talk things through and after 6 years there are still unanswered questions.

We don't speak but we bumped into each other recently and I just KNEW that he feels the same way I still do (we were married for 23 years). He's still with the OW but he's told the kids he's not happy.

Anyone else have a similar story? I just can't shift this thought from my mind.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 28/05/2023 16:02

If he is still with the OW, surely divorcing him was not a mistake.

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 16:04

He sounds like a twat

whining to his children about his marriage

You “bumped in him” and “just knew”… I’m fascinated. How so?

CadburyDream · 28/05/2023 16:04

We weren't married but definitely regret splitting with my ex. You will only hear from those that don't though as most won't admit it.

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 16:05

Are you happy op? Friends? Hobbies? Work? Social life?

swanling · 28/05/2023 16:07

I think that unanswered questions are always part of loss and grief.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 16:07

So the grass isn't as green as he thought it would be and yet he's still with her whilst slagging the relationship off to his kids. What a prize.

You have unanswered questions. He's wondering if you would be an easy target again. Those are not the same thing.

CloudPop · 28/05/2023 16:09

Surely by definition - some divorces were a mistake. Same as some marriages were a mistake. OP I think you are probably in a bigger minority than you might think.

Haywirecity · 28/05/2023 16:11

My sister was married 17 years, no children. Her husband didnt actually cheat but was on the verge. They split and divorced. But they still enjoyed each others company and had such a good time together, my sister used to wonder why they'd split.
Anyway her ex's house purchase fell through so she let him move back in for a few weeks until it was sorted. Within a couple of days she was on the phone to me saying she couldn't bear it anymore. That he was untidy, careless, thoughtless and he needed to go. Haha.
They are still really good friends, and although my sister has been with her present partner for 25 years, she just took her ex out for his 70th birthday. But there are no doubts in anyone's heads anymore!
I know it's a bit different from your situation but I think we tend to look back on the rosytimes rather than on the real ones.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2023 16:11

I think you're deluding yourself about him not being happy. If he wasn't, he'd not still be with her. After all, he's been through one divorce and I'm sure he knows he'd survive another one. What's stopping him from leaving her? Chances are not a thing.

I think your DC are either telling you what you want to hear, you're misinterpreting what they say, or they're longing for the 'before times'.

You really need to work on putting your divorce behind you and building a new life for yourself. If you think you made a mistake, you're entitled to think that. But don't waste the rest of your life regretting it.

MayBeee · 28/05/2023 16:12

Was married for 20 years and we just grew apart , sadly the divorce became acrimonious and we no longer speak . Have been married again for 10+ years and live a completely different life but I know if we'd stayed together my life would be more settled , comfortable and more family orientated .

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 16:12

It’s only a “mistake” if BOTH parties think it was a mistake

Littlethingsmeanalot · 28/05/2023 16:13

If he’s still with her, then it wasn’t a mistake that’s a long term relationship . He might be unhappy now, and it could be a blip.

it’s clear you want to get back with him and are hoping desperately he feels the same, there is no way to “just know” ..I mean he was shagging and you didn’t just know and it’s been six years. He also went shagging and fell in love with someone else , and that wasn’t due to a happy marriage

so focus on what’s missing from your life now that is making you desperate to get back with him.

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 16:14

MayBeee · 28/05/2023 16:12

Was married for 20 years and we just grew apart , sadly the divorce became acrimonious and we no longer speak . Have been married again for 10+ years and live a completely different life but I know if we'd stayed together my life would be more settled , comfortable and more family orientated .

the evidence would suggest otherwise given despite two decades together - the divorce turned so very acrimonious that you’ve had nothing to do with him since.

I very much doubt on the basis of that, that your life would be happier now

User63847484848 · 28/05/2023 16:15

Problem is you haven’t got a crystal ball so you’ll never know what it would’ve been like if you stayed. Be sure not to idealise what the alternative would’ve been like!

It’s sad but the mistake was his in having the affair, I don’t think it was your mistake in divorcing him.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 28/05/2023 16:16

I suspect also the kids are trying to help you as they know you want back. Mistakenly they shouldn’t do it.

the question as said is what’s missing from your life that you’re like this and more so your kids know it.

ProfessorXtra · 28/05/2023 16:18

He feels the same way you do?

which is what? Thinks divorce was a mistake and wants to be with you and only you. Except he didn’t feel that way, himself, when he was married to you and he is still with his girlfriend.

The fact that he is telling his children (even if they are adults) about the state of his relationship, is just wrong.

What is it about him that you are desperate to have back?

WheelsUp · 28/05/2023 16:22

Him not being happy with her is not the same as he would be happy with you. If he was happy with you he wouldn't have cheated or remarried never mind stay married.

Cheaters are often very good at telling people around them what they want to hear. Of course he's going to downplay his current relationship and compliment you in front of the kids because that is what he thinks they want to hear.

You're also assuming that talking would have made a difference. The fact that the divorce was acrimonious suggests that talking wouldn't have helped as he was angry, defensive etc which isn't the actions of someone who was sorry. The fact that he went straight to her and is there years later speaks volumes. If he didn't love her he would have remained single.

WheelsUp · 28/05/2023 16:26

We don't speak but we bumped into each other recently and I just KNEW that he feels the same way I still do (we were married for 23 years).

Are you sure about this ? I think it's highly likely that you looked really sexy to him that day and he's shag you in an instant but that's not love and commitment.

Stupidpeoplesuck · 28/05/2023 16:26

It’s easy to feel remorse, and look back on the ‘good times’ when you might feel a bit lonely (I don’t mean that offensively, we’ve all been there).
It was the right decision for you at the time, and you were protecting yourself. If you end up back together, that’s your choice, but don’t let him have an affair with you too. Make sure he leaves OW and shows growth/change.
Hope you feel more positive either way soon x

Eleganz · 28/05/2023 16:28

Unanswered questions after an affair do not a marriage make.

What you are need here is closure, rather than what was. I suspect that as you have not had closure, the idea that your ex is unhappy with OW is stirring up feelings making you vulnerable to a nostalgic view of the past.

This man crossed a line with you to the point that you ended your marriage quickly. Trust that boundary and trust that whatever made him throw away 23 years of marriage is still there and is probably at the root of why he is unhappy in his current relationship.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 28/05/2023 16:31

Him not being happy with her is not the same as he would be happy with you. If he was happy with you he wouldn't have cheated or remarried never mind stay married.

totally.

op. Can you clarify how you just knew?

Bizzieizz · 28/05/2023 16:33

I think that you have probably not really dealt with him having an affair, you probably loved him at the time, knee jerk divorced and have spent a lot of time thinking it was a mistake.
For you, it possibly is, because it wasn’t your choice really, he forced your hand and you’re still kind of stuck in the “good times”
He, on the other hand, didn’t try to salvage things, he stayed with the OW, but probably he still has a bit of love left for you. He also is now stuck in domestic life with someone else, so he undoubtedly remembers life with you as different, which is rose tinted glasses isn’t it?
That doesn’t mean it was wrong for you, just that you haven’t made peace with it yet.

For what it’s worth, I am divorced, and I do not miss my ex, but I do miss being married and I wish that I had not had to divorce in the first place.

illiterato · 28/05/2023 16:34

Well I do know two couples who remarried after getting divorced and both being with other people for a bit so it’s not unheard of.

pendleflyer · 28/05/2023 16:35

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 16:12

It’s only a “mistake” if BOTH parties think it was a mistake

but isn't this what the OP is saying? senses?
And I stress am not blaming the OP but she says I think that the decision to divorce was hers?
There is quite a well known author (forget her name - borrowed the book from a library of all places) who thinks that too many folk (men and women) think that a sudden divorce is the only path after an affair. Seem to recall that she thinks it often unecessary/causes more problems/heartache and that things should more often be worked through.

Veryxonfused · 28/05/2023 16:35

He’s told his kids he’s not happy in his relationship? He sounds like a prize