When you know deep down that divorce was a mistake....

[cherrytattoo]

I appreciate that most people will say 'No! Best thing that ever happened to me!.....and for those people, I'm really pleased it worked out.

However, there must be others out there (like me) who truly believe that divorce was the wrong thing? My ex had an affair and within a week, I filed for divorce. We didn't talk things through and after 6 years there are still unanswered questions.

We don't speak but we bumped into each other recently and I just KNEW that he feels the same way I still do (we were married for 23 years). He's still with the OW but he's told the kids he's not happy.

Anyone else have a similar story? I just can't shift this thought from my mind.

You seem very naive

Given fact he had an affair and remain with the OW - it would seem he was at least a very willing participant in the divorce

That’s a good point. I know a couple who did this.

their second marriage lasted until she died and they were married far longer the second time.

However, the problems of the marriage and the reason for its breakdown was never dealt with and moved on from. They were miserable. But wouldn’t divorce again.

I am sure some people doing it a second time, are happy. But simply getting married to the same person again, doesn’t mean a happy ending.

I was at school with my now ExH. Got together at 15, married at 18, 4 DC and after 25 year i found out he had been cheating/one night stands off and on for 12 years (or more). Nothing I felt towards him changed. I even blamed myself. Too fat (I'm 5'11" and 10 stone so not fat at all but still). Too tall, too saggy, too 'mummy'. Anything but blaming him. I was terrified. He was all I knew. But my dad died and I realised I wanted someone to live me the way dad loved my mum. So I left and divorced and it was so hard and so painful. Because if only known him and there were many times I thought it was a mistake. But I'm remarried now. Me and ExH are friendly enough because of the children but had I been stronger I would have left sooner. I can't regret staying because we had our 4th but it grief for what was lost, not regret for the divorce.

For me absolutely it was. I never wanted it. I'm sure my ex feels otherwise as he left.

well I don't know of course, but things might of course be more complicated. Life goes on. Unless you think he should just have topped himself or retired to a monaster (no doubt some on here think so).

monastery.

Twenty three years is quite a long time for filing for divorce within a week but I don't blame you, it must have been devastating.

Have you had any relationships in the meantime ?

Maybe you should give the ball another kick and sleep with him, I'm sure his present partner will be ok with it, she's obviously an advocate of affairs.

Me and DH have recently got back together after separating (never got round to divorce) for 2 years.

When we split up it was a knee jerk reaction during lockdown to an incident that seemed like a deal breaker at the time.

We were married for 27 years and we still are, and making a go of it.

If it's on your mind I'd say you need to find out if your feelings are real.

I wouldn’t trust any man who involved his kids like that tbh. It’s very disrespectful to
his current wife. He doesn’t sound like a good person to me I’m afraid op.

He only said that to the kids because he knows he hurt them when having an affair so he’s trying to make himself look more of a victim.

He cheated on you and started a new relationship.
He is still in that relationship.
He did not care about you back then and he doesn’t care about you now.

If you truly think he cares about you then wait until he’s been single and living on his own for 6+ months.

Many men (and some women) will line up someone else before ending the relationship (like he did to you) so they don’t have to live alone and can have their meals cooked, clothes washed and sex often.

Do not allow yourself to be used this way.

Op, could what you both experienced be regret...Regret for the affair as it ended the marriage. That would be very understandable and natural.

Please remember that you can't compare married life before the affair with married life after an affair. If you felt very strongly that his deception meant you should divorce it's highly likely that, had you stayed together, you would have had years of distrust and unhappiness. Many couples can't recover from an affair as it casts such a long shadow. Indeed he chose not to drop OW when the affair was discovered and then made the divorce high conflict just to further hurt you. Is that the actions of a man who loves you like you deserve?

Keep in the forefront of your mind - If he is unhappy he isn't choosing to take any action and words are cheap. Don't kid yourself that he is being a martyr. Some people are "recyclers" choosing to go back to previous partners and you, him & OW could get into a drama triangle.

If course he shouldn't have had an affair as it destroyed the marriage but has he actually expressed regret??

Read about love bombing, discard, hoovering and supply

I think there's a lot of social pressure nowadays to divorce immediately upon finding infidelity, and not to countenance any other course. But some marriages do recover well after affairs, so it makes sense that some may later regret divorcing in haste. There are some interesting articles about infidelity from couples counsellors & discussion of research suggesting that a) most people who have affairs never thought they'd be the type either, but a combination of circumstances happened & may never do so again, b) wanting to feel "alive" is one of the reasons commonly given, rather than necessarily incompatibility with their spouse, and c) be careful who you tell when you first discover infidelity because some female friends may pressure you to LTB even if you aren't sure that's right for you.

Just because you still have feelings for him doesn’t mean it was a mistake (or that he feels the same). Personally I think people should be more willing to split up, not less! But I’m of the mindset that I’d rather leave a relationship if it becomes hard work because it’s meant to enhance my life, not hinder it. So I think you did the right thing. Unanswered questions don’t mean you should get back together, and if he’s still with the OW then he probably isn’t as unhappy as he’s told the kids.

Op, are you lonely, have you been able to sustain a relationship since the divorce? What about financials? Are you stable?

I wonder if there is something driving this, maybe unable to find a partner, struggling financially or a lower standard of living, which has made you hope he’d want you back?

Of course he could still be with her and not actually be happy. Many men won’t end a relationship without another one lined up. I wouldn’t just assume as he’s with her still that it was the right decision. It’s hard to move on when you’ve got a connection via children etc. My ex and I split 13yrs ago. But we then spent 12yrs going on holiday together as a family still and texting multiple times a day (he worked overseas a lot). I don’t regret leaving him, he hurt me in a way there was no going back from and although I could maintain a friendship with him I couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with him anymore (not affair). He’s met someone else now and although we are still friends the holidays have ended and the kids are growing up now (youngest 15). I was seeing someone else until recently. There will always be a small part of me that thinks I should have given him another chance and had he tried to make amends for what he did at the time I probably wouldn’t have. But I do think we are better off as friends and I think if we can remain friends that will be ok. I think of him like a family member, and the time we didn’t speak at all earlier this year I did miss him and I know he missed me. If we hadn’t had any kids together I think I could have walked away from him easily

I think op is simply suffering from lack of closure and the ‘could we have made it work’.

The reality is that they may have killed on trying to get through it. He obviously wants to be with OW or he wouldn’t be. Chances are the affair wouldn’t have stopped and the split would have happened further down the line. Causing more pain and resentment.

if he didn’t want to be with the women who was the OW, he wouldn’t be. Unless he is the type of man that can’t be without a woman and won’t ditch her until he finds someone else. Which means he may go back to Op, but only because she is there.

Huh?

I think he has an affair for whatever reason.
got divorced
and continued his relationship with the OW and it is still ongoing

the above would indicate he wasn’t an unwilling participant

You're focusing on a fantasy: a happy reconciled life together with good times. You might have stayed together and the relationship could have been awful with repeat cheating, lying etc.

You took control and did the right thing. If you don't feel happy right now, focus on finding your happiness. If you're happy: live and let live. In either case, don't worry/ think about him and what he's doing.

Source: divorced and happy after forgiving/pushing under the carpet far too many times.

How did you know how he felt? Sure it wasn't wishful thinking? If he wanted to change the situation, surely he could leave OW and or get in touch, seeing as you don't even speak it doesn't seem like there's much of a bond there.

My parents divorced after many many years together. 6 months later they got married again! About 10 years later they divorced again... they are not getting back together this time 😅

This just sounds to me like you have low self esteem

I had the idea that the divorce was initiated and fast-tracked by the OP. From the initial post.

And maybe (don't know of course) that he just accepted it/felt that she had decided/knew her own mind so no point pushing against)

Stress again that I'm not criticising the OP and am loathe to suggest how she goes from here - don't feel qualified.

Was simply saying that divorce can maybe be rushed into in such circumstances.

plus one also to poster above saying be careful about who you discuss these things with. A fair few women can I think be pursuing their own agenda (may not realise) with their "advice". Not being a good friend.