When you know deep down that divorce was a mistake....

[cherrytattoo]

I appreciate that most people will say 'No! Best thing that ever happened to me!.....and for those people, I'm really pleased it worked out.

However, there must be others out there (like me) who truly believe that divorce was the wrong thing? My ex had an affair and within a week, I filed for divorce. We didn't talk things through and after 6 years there are still unanswered questions.

We don't speak but we bumped into each other recently and I just KNEW that he feels the same way I still do (we were married for 23 years). He's still with the OW but he's told the kids he's not happy.

Anyone else have a similar story? I just can't shift this thought from my mind.

A fair few women can I think be pursuing their own agenda (may not realise) with their "advice". Not being a good friend.

what agenda?

I don't think you need me to spell that out. A fair whiff of it on here at times in some places. I was seconding the point made by DivorcedAndDelighted.

It's important it seems to me when giving advice to keep in mind the person asking for the advice. Their situation, their interests.

I have found this an interesting read, as most posters seem adamant divorce was the right thing, and the OP just doesn’t realise it.

We can’t know because we aren’t her, but lots of posters assume they do know.

I know one couple who were married to each other twice - they divorced both times!

I’m with the majority of posters.
Your ex is still with the ow. I think, if indeed he did really say those words, what he means is ‘I regret getting caught.’
Of course your kids are not going to say the ow is fantastic, dad is so much happier now, we wish ow was our natural mum etc etc are they?
People will tell you your ex is unhappy, they really are not going to say otherwise.
If you hadn’t divorced then the following would most likely have happened:
You would be running around after this Prince of men. Keeping yourself fit and looking good for him, doing virtually all the grunt work, looking after the dcs, providing sex on tap. Your ex would be getting all this plus exciting, elicit, thrilling sex from the ow. He would have it made.
Yes some people do remarry their ex. Maybe some of them are truly happy.
Your life would never go back to pre affair times. You would never trust him again.
He either is happy with the ow or he is the type of fowl man who strings a woman along, waiting until something better comes along. Don’t let him use you like that op.

you don’t speak and you just knew he feels the same way? How? He cheated on you - he risked his marriage to you. You obviously had major communication issues if you didn’t talk through all your issues and just divorced him. Kindly - you need to take off your rose colours specs and move on x

My DF admitted to me recently that he regrets leaving my DM and us. It took him 40 years to say it and I nearly fell off my chair when he did, but yes, apparently he regrets all the shit he put us through. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that his second wife (who was the OW), is a miserable, depressed, anxious, neurotic woman who now has some serious health problems. My DM, in contrast, is/has none of those things.

I agree with this. So basically he’s a man who uses women.

He treated you horribly in having an affair and he’s treating his new wife disgustingly too in staying with her but slagging his relationship off.

OP the account you have given should be making you realise the divorce was absolutely a lucky escape for you, not making you regret losing this selfish, self pitying and weak man.

Work on yourself and build a better life.

I wouldn’t ask if I knew the answer

can’t imagine a friend having an agenda in this scenario. And what the agenda could even be?!

Op would I be correct in thinking that since your divorce you have not had a successful relationship? And don’t have a very fulfilling happy social life, hobbies etc?

Why aren’t you angry that he’s off loading his supposed unhappiness on his children? Just remember that he’s with the woman that he shared his supposed unhappiness with you with.

Just because he’s supposedly unhappy with her, doesn’t mean he would be happier still married to you.

Regret doesn’t things, it keeps you stuck.

How did you know he felt the same way? Did he tell you? If not, you can't possibly know.

Very inappropriate to tell the children this. He's probably getting ready to cheat on his new partner.

It sounds like you're sad (understandably) that you were placed in a position where divorce was the only option.

The damage had been done, you're grieving for the marriage which is ok but don't delude yourself into thinking that the outcome would be any different if you hadn't instigated proceedings.

So many unanswered questions that will remain unanswered since you haven't returned to the thread op. I don't think it's fair to ask for other people's experiences if you aren't prepared to engage further. Personally it makes me a bit suspicious of the motives for this thread.

The main question being, how can you possibly "know" how he feels about anything unless he actually expressed those feelings? Sounds like wishful thinking to me.

Taking this at face value, I think you are hugely underestimating how hard it is to continue the marriage and deal with adultery in the aftermath. It can destroy your self esteem and things will most likely never fully repair themselves. It will be a shadow of the relationship that it was before you knew about the affair.

He's with the other woman and not you. Bluntly, how unhappy can he really be?

An unconscious agenda perhaps. This article explained things I've seen happen in real life - If You Want To Remain Together After Infidelity, Should You Tell People About It? By Samantha Rodman Whiten I'll copy a few relevant paragraphs below as it's potentially relevant to the OP:

I tell clients that when others hear about infidelity, it is like a Rorschach test for their own marriage. If a woman’s husband watches too much porn and she’s worried about him being unfaithful, she may come down a lot harder on her friend’s husband that she recently learned had an affair. This would be because she is projecting her own insecurities and anxieties onto their relationship. People who are anxious want to make a differentiation between others’ situations and their own. The more anxious people are about their own marriages, the harder I’ve observed they come down against infidelity and the possibility of repair. These are people who will call you naive for thinking you can repair your marriage, even though they themselves might try to repair their own marriage if they were in the same boat.

Another subset of friends/family that come down very hard on the unfaithful spouse are those whose partners were in fact unfaithful and the relationship ended because of it. These people are staunchly in the “once a cheater, always a cheater” camp. Therapists who work with couples are rarely in this camp, and certainly should not be if they work with infidelity. People can learn and grow, and there are many different kinds of infidelity. I believe that, for example, a man who had a 20 year affair discovered is different and has a less positive marital prognosis than a man who confessed to a one night stand. To me this is obvious, but others consider these two men to be in the same bucket. If you have friends like this, they will revile your partner and potentially stop speaking to him or even allowing your families to spend time together.

In general, people who are rigid or anxious are not ideal candidates to listen to your story. These people find uncertainty very threatening. They are much likelier to advise you to leave and don’t look back, because they themselves would find the uncertainty of working on a marriage so harrowing and intolerable. However, as Esther Perel discusses in The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, it is not an easy or black-and-white decision to leave a marriage. There is a long history and a lot of love. The decision is even more complex if there are children involved.

The thing is OP, even if you hadn't divorced him straight away, you were never going to hold on to your original marriage.
He destroyed that when he cheated on you.

Perhaps after a lot of soul searching or compromise or whatever you could have stayed together, but would you ever have trusted him again? You really don't know what kind of disaster it could have been. Plus the fact that he's still with the other woman would indicate there is something there more than just a fling. You may be projecting on to him because you have a rose tinted view of the past.

Yeah, he's a shit, but so is she, his new partner.

Op you don't want to get him back really, if you must go there just sleep with him and then make sure his new partner knows, she deserves to know what a shit she's with and it also throws a spanner in their relationship.

Karma.

It may get you back on the horse with dating too.

I should have added for context that the OW got pregnant (she was apparently on the Pill). She couldn't have a termination due to her religion. She's also from a a very poor country so he is basically stuck.

Wise advice .

I can see both sides. I asked for a divorce and moved out (not due to cheating, but other stuff). Husband asked for couples counselling, but I found it too hard as I was still angry. He continued with counselling (with my blessing), and we still talked because of our son. Eventually, we forgave each other and moved past it.

But, you ex is still with the OW, and apparently, you looked into his eyes and "just knew." You may be right, but he's not exactly worked hard at getting you back OP. This may be just wishful thinking on your part, and even if it isn't, do you really want a man who clearly can not be on his own. If he's unhappy, he needs to work on that first, and then you could try talking and dating.

Op given he managed to get away with having OW, and presumably you didn’t “just know” that he was deceiving you, perhaps you should also question whether your interpretation of when you bumped in to each other is accurate

How do you know she was on the pill? Because he's told you or someone else. This is a proven liar. And now he's disrespecting the mother of his young child. Be grateful that you got out.

You haven’t had contact with him for 6 years, didn’t “talk things through” and only bumped in to him the other day

how do you know all this?

After a 23 year marriage, he must miss you and elements of his old life terribly, OP.
I do think that it's worth holding back on divorcing, simply because it takes time for your rational brain to take the reins again. The shock of finding out your husband of 23 years has betrayed you so badly causes the emotional brain to take charge. I think it's a protective mechanism to make sure your sanity returns once your brain has eventually processed what's happened.
It sounds like you didn't get the opportunity to fully process what happened, OP. If you have unanswered questions, could you talk to a psychotherapist about them?