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Original poster

Selfish partner?

83 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 28/05/2023 12:04

Hi, I’ve name changed for this.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and I really care about him but… in all honesty I also find him selfish in a lot of ways and I need to tackle this with him.

There are two main problems, money and sex. Both of our living situations are complicated which means staying over each others houses is a rare occurrence. When the stars align kind of thing. We are both working on this though so hopefully it will improve.
Due to his living situation (he’s effectively renting a distant relatives spare room) he needs to move out asap. He is saving to do this but finding it hard.

He claims poverty all the time and I’m not denying he’s struggling a bit but I don’t believe it’s nearly as much as he suggests. If he needs something urgently he can find the money or pull it out of his savings and it doesn’t take long to get his savings back up. Basically because he’s saving I end up paying for everything and it’s really getting me down. When we go out I pay for food, cinema tickets/bowling/mini golf/whatever it is. It’s got to the point where it’s just expected I pay and I’m really starting to resent it. I’m generous by nature. I really didn’t mind at first but I’m also saving for a house deposit. It’s starting to feel like I spend all my money so he can save his.

I felt really pissed off this morning. His boss has effectively just given him a few hundred as a bonus and he’s happy because he now has enough for a rental deposit. While I don’t expect him to blow all of that… I know when I see him it will still be me paying for everything and it just riles a bit.

The second issue is sex. He has very severe erectile dysfunction. He is getting treatment for it and I know it upsets him as much as it upsets me. He’s been back and forth the doctors for weeks about it and it looks promising that it will be sorted in the coming weeks. This is great but while this has been ongoing we have had pretty much no sex life.

I finally snapped last week and told him I thought he was selfish in bed. The times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to get an erection and then he just abandons it. Theres no thought of my needs. I’ve tried to explain it to him in terms of periods. If I was on my period and he was horny and I started giving him oral, how would he feel if I just suddenly stopped and didn’t bother because I wasn’t getting off to.

I know I might sound really unsympathetic here but it has been over half a year of this. It doesn’t help that when we did have a sex life he was also a little selfish. It was all over when he finished, he expected oral but wouldn’t return it sort of thing. I’ve told him I want to see a sex therapist with him and he has agreed and is sorting it so that’s something.

He has his good side too. If I ask him to sort something he always does. He can be very considerate and loving in an emotionally supportive kind of way. He wants to fix issues generally and will talk things through. Getting him to understand can be hard though.

How do I broach this?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/05/2023 12:09

Raise the bar OP. Tell him it's over and find someone kinder.

Dedodee · 28/05/2023 12:11

I wouldn't broach it I'd end it.
Nothing more off putting than a tight wad whether it be with money or sex.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 28/05/2023 12:13

This one's not a keeper. He won't change.

FloweryName · 28/05/2023 12:14

You’ve been together 5 minutes and this is already what you’re dealing with? Get out and find a new man.

Groutyonehereagain · 28/05/2023 12:16

Definitely not a keeper.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 12:19

Oh fucking hell.

You don't.
You leave.

You're being a mug paying for everything.
If he can't afford to split, he can't afford to date.
He has no motivation to fix this because he's happy taking advantage.

Beware, he'll be looking to move into your house next and have you still pay all the bills.

Honestly op you're a year in, he's shit in bed and he expects you to pay for everything! Fucking run. Like, yesterday.

Flowerycat · 28/05/2023 12:20

Set him free and find a better one, he doesn’t sound like a catch.

He spends his money on him and he’s selfish in bed. Basically he’s selfish. Do you want a selfish partner? Let him hoard his pennies alone.

Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 12:21

I don’t see how he adds to your life at all. My days of being with men who don’t return oral sex are over! Fair enough he can’t get an erection, but he needs to understand you’re anticipating sex. Then nothing. Pretty sure he could easily ensure you receive some pleasure, but he either can’t be bothered or it doesn’t enter his head

HeavenonEarth · 28/05/2023 12:24

No point.

Tannedandfake · 28/05/2023 12:26

If he’s only renting a room from a relative, why is he struggling to save money for a rental property? What does he actually add to your life?

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 12:27

Ps, if he was actually a considerate person he would have said 'seen as you've been paying for everything lately, I'm giving you my bonus, spend it on yourself. Treat yourself to something nice. Its the least I should do after not being able to contribute to all those dinners and days out'.

Newyearnewmeow · 28/05/2023 12:28

Chuck this one back OP.
He’s a sneaky tight arse.
Uses you for money(and has no shame in doing that)
Totally selfish in the bedroom department(that will NEVER change)
Stop wasting your life on someone who cares much much more about himself than he does you.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 12:34

Tbh I don't believe he didn't realise telling you about the bonus like that would have this effect on you. Sounds like he did it as a deliberate power move to say 'haha actually I do have money but you're still going to keep paying for everything for me anyway because I'm hot shit'.

You sure there's not a wife/long term partner at his house BTW?
Would explain why he never spends any (family) money. And why you don't get to go to his ("family") house often.

gallina · 28/05/2023 12:35

Broach this by leaving. It's more hassle than it's worth, and shouldn't be so hard only a year in!

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 28/05/2023 12:47

I’m as sure as I can possibly be that he hasn’t got a wife or partner hiding away somewhere.

There’s one moment that really hurts me when I think back to it. We went away overnight. It was a date that was upsetting for me and I really needed him there. He promised he’d be there for me that weekend. Swore it. I found out the week before that he would need to leave early the next day because he’d decided to work overtime…

That wasn’t just it. I paid for everything as always. The hotel, meals, activities, some of the petrol money. Pretty much everything. The morning we left we stopped in TK Maxx for a look. He treated himself to some fancy cooking utensil. Around the £40 mark. He came over to me holding a mug that was £6.99 wanting to show me because he knew I’d like the design. I thought he was going to offer to buy it for me but nope. I bought it myself.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 13:11

Mate, take a step back and really look at this objectively.

It's a shit relationship. It's not working. It shouldn't be this hard.

There are two main problems, money and sex.

A relationship in which you say the above after just a year is one that should be ended immediately.

It really, really isn't supposed to be this hard. Ever. Let alone this early on.

Have you perhaps been in bad relationships in the past? Perhaps abusive ones? So your idea of what is acceptable / healthy in a relationship is maybe skewed?

OhBling · 28/05/2023 13:17

Oh come on OP, surely you can see this is a terrible relationship. He's using you for free food, drinks and entertainment. As for the sex... well, if it's not working for you it's not working for you so move on. It's been one year, it shouldn't be this hard.

MinxieMax · 28/05/2023 13:22

If you can't see the writing on the wall, then stay and pay. He will eventually have a nurse with a purse, which might be his long term plan.

longstayer · 28/05/2023 13:23

I didn't get further than reading there is an issue with sex and money...

Find someone who is compatible.

Manichean · 28/05/2023 13:28

Mate, he is an aspiring cocklodger - you can do much much better.

TheKobayashiMaru · 28/05/2023 13:31

I'd run for the hills

yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2023 13:32

He can be very considerate and loving in an emotionally supportive kind of way

Your update completely contradicts this point. He doesn't sound at all considerate or supportive. He's using you.

You should still be in the honeymoon phase, where he's presenting his best self, instead he's got you paying for everything and he's crap in bed.

Honestly, you deserve so much better.

FloweryWowery · 28/05/2023 13:37

He doesn't care if you enjoy sex or not. He takes your money from you. He doesn't support you. A sex therapist won't magically solve his selfish nature.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/05/2023 13:38

Dedodee · 28/05/2023 12:11

I wouldn't broach it I'd end it.
Nothing more off putting than a tight wad whether it be with money or sex.

God, please do this. You can do so much better op.

BCBird · 28/05/2023 13:39

I was in a similar situation. He phoned me up.and said he had fallen.head over heels for someone else. Once I'd got over the shock, I realised I was well rid. The sex was dire,but due to.my lack of experience I had no idea until.i.met someone else. I paid for everything,cooked most our meals, helped with his life admin etc. I ended up being thousands out of pocket. Get rid and fo yourself a favour.