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Original poster

Selfish partner?

83 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 28/05/2023 12:04

Hi, I’ve name changed for this.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and I really care about him but… in all honesty I also find him selfish in a lot of ways and I need to tackle this with him.

There are two main problems, money and sex. Both of our living situations are complicated which means staying over each others houses is a rare occurrence. When the stars align kind of thing. We are both working on this though so hopefully it will improve.
Due to his living situation (he’s effectively renting a distant relatives spare room) he needs to move out asap. He is saving to do this but finding it hard.

He claims poverty all the time and I’m not denying he’s struggling a bit but I don’t believe it’s nearly as much as he suggests. If he needs something urgently he can find the money or pull it out of his savings and it doesn’t take long to get his savings back up. Basically because he’s saving I end up paying for everything and it’s really getting me down. When we go out I pay for food, cinema tickets/bowling/mini golf/whatever it is. It’s got to the point where it’s just expected I pay and I’m really starting to resent it. I’m generous by nature. I really didn’t mind at first but I’m also saving for a house deposit. It’s starting to feel like I spend all my money so he can save his.

I felt really pissed off this morning. His boss has effectively just given him a few hundred as a bonus and he’s happy because he now has enough for a rental deposit. While I don’t expect him to blow all of that… I know when I see him it will still be me paying for everything and it just riles a bit.

The second issue is sex. He has very severe erectile dysfunction. He is getting treatment for it and I know it upsets him as much as it upsets me. He’s been back and forth the doctors for weeks about it and it looks promising that it will be sorted in the coming weeks. This is great but while this has been ongoing we have had pretty much no sex life.

I finally snapped last week and told him I thought he was selfish in bed. The times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to get an erection and then he just abandons it. Theres no thought of my needs. I’ve tried to explain it to him in terms of periods. If I was on my period and he was horny and I started giving him oral, how would he feel if I just suddenly stopped and didn’t bother because I wasn’t getting off to.

I know I might sound really unsympathetic here but it has been over half a year of this. It doesn’t help that when we did have a sex life he was also a little selfish. It was all over when he finished, he expected oral but wouldn’t return it sort of thing. I’ve told him I want to see a sex therapist with him and he has agreed and is sorting it so that’s something.

He has his good side too. If I ask him to sort something he always does. He can be very considerate and loving in an emotionally supportive kind of way. He wants to fix issues generally and will talk things through. Getting him to understand can be hard though.

How do I broach this?

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/05/2023 17:53

He's taking advantage of your generous nature
His words mean nothing, look at his actions( or rather inaction)

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/05/2023 18:04

Honestly, I think this guy is one of those you will look back on in the future and wondered why on earth you put up with him.

He is tightfisted in more than one way. I would say his erectile dysfunction is due to pornography. His meanness is in him for good. That's not going to change. He sees you as someone who can fund his lifestyle.

You really need to dump this man.

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 16/06/2023 15:02

I wanted to come back and update this thread. I feel so low and I know I need to try and have some kind of conversation with him about this but I genuinely don’t know how. This may be tmi, if it is I’m sorry.

We finally had sex. The doctor prescribed him one viagra to try it. I don’t know if this means he could get more or what that was about but anyway it worked in the sense he got an erection.
What followed was the worst sex I’ve ever experienced in my life. He was absolutely selfish and lazy and it hurts. It hurts that I’ve gone through months and months of him not coming near me, trying to tell myself it’s not me and hoping it will get better. Trying to be as supportive as I can be while feeling awful about myself only to be treated like I’m about to explain. I can’t actually put into words how it’s made me feel. It’s more of a horrified sensation.

He took the pill so we were both in the knowledge that we were going to attempt sex that night. Got to bed and he doesn’t make a move. It’s awkward. I’m lying there waiting while there’s a documentary on Britains worst prison playing in the background.
Eventually I make a move and things get started but it’s just awful. It’s all about his needs, he barely touches me. It was a bit of kissing, he then forced my head down to give him a blow job (I didn’t mind this, I just assumed he’d do something for me afterwards). Followed immediately with him putting a condom on. I get on top, he has never liked going on top. I have asked him before and he told me no… then he finishes somewhere between 30 seconds to a minute in. After which he’s completely out of it and on the verge of falling asleep. I couldn’t quite believe it when he asked me if I’d got there. I was honest and said no. He then said well you could have lied and I told him he could touch me to get me there. Well he said he would when had come around a bit. Ten minutes later he does but it’s awful. There’s no care in it, he didn’t even look at me. Just put his hand down there while lying on his back looking at the ceiling and going at it incredibly roughly. It hurt. I faked to make him stop and lay there awake the rest of the night feeing absolutely devastated that he couldn’t be bothered to try and make the first sex we’d had in months nice for both of us.

I can’t explain how I feel. I just feel worthless and really really hurt.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 16/06/2023 15:13

And you call this a good relationship. No he is a sponge it won't change get yourself out of it your worth more. You sound like a level headed adult so don't lose your savings over a relationship that isn't even one

arethereanyleftatall · 16/06/2023 15:47

Oh for gods fucking sake. Just leave him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/06/2023 16:07

No, no, no! Get the hell out. This man is Selfish. He won’t change. Ugh.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 16/06/2023 16:14

He is not the man for you. Be glad you have no ties, end it, block and delete. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 16/06/2023 16:19

Please leave him, do it today. It will absolutely not get better, in fact it's likely to get worse. You're worth so much more than this.

frozendaisy · 16/06/2023 16:44

This is far too much well just drudge and boring for such a short relationship.

Refuse to pay, just say enough it's your turn for a while now.

He doesn't treat you and you don't even get any sex or any good sex.

Slow fade?

I would not close any other options out there if I were you OP.

pinkyredrose · 16/06/2023 16:51

Omfg that is awful. Please get rid and free yourself.

Isthisit22 · 16/06/2023 19:35

A conversation??
dump him and get counselling for yourself

cisisaslur · 16/06/2023 19:40

arethereanyleftatall · 16/06/2023 15:47

Oh for gods fucking sake. Just leave him.

This

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/06/2023 19:44

You've given it a year, you've tried, nothings changed. I'd end it

Flowerycat · 16/06/2023 19:53

Seriously dump him. Tell him the sex sucked and he’s dumped! Via text. He’s selfish.

LaDamaDeElche · 16/06/2023 19:53

Leave him, move on and you'll feel better than you do now. A relationship of just over a year shouldn't be this hard. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2023 21:18

Mydogisamentalist · 16/06/2023 15:02

I wanted to come back and update this thread. I feel so low and I know I need to try and have some kind of conversation with him about this but I genuinely don’t know how. This may be tmi, if it is I’m sorry.

We finally had sex. The doctor prescribed him one viagra to try it. I don’t know if this means he could get more or what that was about but anyway it worked in the sense he got an erection.
What followed was the worst sex I’ve ever experienced in my life. He was absolutely selfish and lazy and it hurts. It hurts that I’ve gone through months and months of him not coming near me, trying to tell myself it’s not me and hoping it will get better. Trying to be as supportive as I can be while feeling awful about myself only to be treated like I’m about to explain. I can’t actually put into words how it’s made me feel. It’s more of a horrified sensation.

He took the pill so we were both in the knowledge that we were going to attempt sex that night. Got to bed and he doesn’t make a move. It’s awkward. I’m lying there waiting while there’s a documentary on Britains worst prison playing in the background.
Eventually I make a move and things get started but it’s just awful. It’s all about his needs, he barely touches me. It was a bit of kissing, he then forced my head down to give him a blow job (I didn’t mind this, I just assumed he’d do something for me afterwards). Followed immediately with him putting a condom on. I get on top, he has never liked going on top. I have asked him before and he told me no… then he finishes somewhere between 30 seconds to a minute in. After which he’s completely out of it and on the verge of falling asleep. I couldn’t quite believe it when he asked me if I’d got there. I was honest and said no. He then said well you could have lied and I told him he could touch me to get me there. Well he said he would when had come around a bit. Ten minutes later he does but it’s awful. There’s no care in it, he didn’t even look at me. Just put his hand down there while lying on his back looking at the ceiling and going at it incredibly roughly. It hurt. I faked to make him stop and lay there awake the rest of the night feeing absolutely devastated that he couldn’t be bothered to try and make the first sex we’d had in months nice for both of us.

I can’t explain how I feel. I just feel worthless and really really hurt.

Does this not tell you what you need to do?

He doesn't care. He really doesn't give a shit.

What more does he need to do to show you how horrible he is?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/06/2023 21:21

Op - do you understand why every poster is just saying 'leave him' without actually responding to your actual individual points?

It's because it's so obvious to us that he is a complete selfish arsehole. Of course you feel worthless every single second you spend with him - he is doing that -he is making you feel like shit. Because hes horrible.

If you would like to be happy, you need to finish this 'relationship'.

Frogger8395 · 16/06/2023 21:58

You are actually paying him to spend time with you.
Chuck him back.

CherryCokeFanatic · 16/06/2023 22:03

What age are you both roughly? I can’t help read this as you being in your 20s (I may be completely off the mark? And I’m thinking Jesus why waste your best years on this you should have ended it as soon as you realised the sex was crap and you were paying for all the dates. Plenty of nice guys out there with a better living situation, who can keep it up and pay their fair share or in fact go out of their way to treat you at times

Rainbowqueeen · 16/06/2023 22:18

You do understand that you feel so worthless and low because of this guy don’t you. So if you end it, those feelings will go away.

Yes you may feel worthless and low because you are single and society has conditioned us to believe that being single is the worst thing ever. But it’s not. If you were single you would have more money, a better (solo with toys) sex life and options. Every day you spend with him is another day where you miss out on meeting someone fantastic, saving for your own home and feeling good about yourself. This guy does not deserve you. Please end it

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/06/2023 22:44

He is unbelievably awful. To be honest, I have absolutely no idea why you are with a selfish, selfish, horrible man. He's just dreadful! Please find your self-esteem and dump him ASAP.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 16/06/2023 22:58

In the words of a friend to me many years ago:

“Why do you choose men who are bad for you?”

You're getting something out of this relationship, and it may not be what you want, but it is compelling and it's addictive, and posting here isn't going to do anything about it. In fact it may take a very long time for you to realise what it is. But perhaps this is the start of that realisation, even if only very vague.

So: why do you choose men who are bad for you? And why do you stay?

piedbeauty · 16/06/2023 23:05

You're subsidising him and he's selfish in bed - when he can get it up.

You can do better!

mumandahalf87 · 16/06/2023 23:13

You are worth so much more than this. This is not a healthy, respectful relationship. It is all one sided and he is clearly refusing to meet your needs.

Please understand there is so much more to relationships than this. You don't need to stay and be treated this way, nor would anyone blame you for cutting your losses. Prepare yourself and leave. Do it for you.

Natty13 · 16/06/2023 23:15

Mydogisamentalist · 16/06/2023 15:02

I wanted to come back and update this thread. I feel so low and I know I need to try and have some kind of conversation with him about this but I genuinely don’t know how. This may be tmi, if it is I’m sorry.

We finally had sex. The doctor prescribed him one viagra to try it. I don’t know if this means he could get more or what that was about but anyway it worked in the sense he got an erection.
What followed was the worst sex I’ve ever experienced in my life. He was absolutely selfish and lazy and it hurts. It hurts that I’ve gone through months and months of him not coming near me, trying to tell myself it’s not me and hoping it will get better. Trying to be as supportive as I can be while feeling awful about myself only to be treated like I’m about to explain. I can’t actually put into words how it’s made me feel. It’s more of a horrified sensation.

He took the pill so we were both in the knowledge that we were going to attempt sex that night. Got to bed and he doesn’t make a move. It’s awkward. I’m lying there waiting while there’s a documentary on Britains worst prison playing in the background.
Eventually I make a move and things get started but it’s just awful. It’s all about his needs, he barely touches me. It was a bit of kissing, he then forced my head down to give him a blow job (I didn’t mind this, I just assumed he’d do something for me afterwards). Followed immediately with him putting a condom on. I get on top, he has never liked going on top. I have asked him before and he told me no… then he finishes somewhere between 30 seconds to a minute in. After which he’s completely out of it and on the verge of falling asleep. I couldn’t quite believe it when he asked me if I’d got there. I was honest and said no. He then said well you could have lied and I told him he could touch me to get me there. Well he said he would when had come around a bit. Ten minutes later he does but it’s awful. There’s no care in it, he didn’t even look at me. Just put his hand down there while lying on his back looking at the ceiling and going at it incredibly roughly. It hurt. I faked to make him stop and lay there awake the rest of the night feeing absolutely devastated that he couldn’t be bothered to try and make the first sex we’d had in months nice for both of us.

I can’t explain how I feel. I just feel worthless and really really hurt.

Your selfish boyfriend is still selfish. He isn't going to change. Surely you deserve better? Well you aren't going to get it from him.