Hi, I’ve name changed for this.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and I really care about him but… in all honesty I also find him selfish in a lot of ways and I need to tackle this with him.
There are two main problems, money and sex. Both of our living situations are complicated which means staying over each others houses is a rare occurrence. When the stars align kind of thing. We are both working on this though so hopefully it will improve.
Due to his living situation (he’s effectively renting a distant relatives spare room) he needs to move out asap. He is saving to do this but finding it hard.
He claims poverty all the time and I’m not denying he’s struggling a bit but I don’t believe it’s nearly as much as he suggests. If he needs something urgently he can find the money or pull it out of his savings and it doesn’t take long to get his savings back up. Basically because he’s saving I end up paying for everything and it’s really getting me down. When we go out I pay for food, cinema tickets/bowling/mini golf/whatever it is. It’s got to the point where it’s just expected I pay and I’m really starting to resent it. I’m generous by nature. I really didn’t mind at first but I’m also saving for a house deposit. It’s starting to feel like I spend all my money so he can save his.
I felt really pissed off this morning. His boss has effectively just given him a few hundred as a bonus and he’s happy because he now has enough for a rental deposit. While I don’t expect him to blow all of that… I know when I see him it will still be me paying for everything and it just riles a bit.
The second issue is sex. He has very severe erectile dysfunction. He is getting treatment for it and I know it upsets him as much as it upsets me. He’s been back and forth the doctors for weeks about it and it looks promising that it will be sorted in the coming weeks. This is great but while this has been ongoing we have had pretty much no sex life.
I finally snapped last week and told him I thought he was selfish in bed. The times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to get an erection and then he just abandons it. Theres no thought of my needs. I’ve tried to explain it to him in terms of periods. If I was on my period and he was horny and I started giving him oral, how would he feel if I just suddenly stopped and didn’t bother because I wasn’t getting off to.
I know I might sound really unsympathetic here but it has been over half a year of this. It doesn’t help that when we did have a sex life he was also a little selfish. It was all over when he finished, he expected oral but wouldn’t return it sort of thing. I’ve told him I want to see a sex therapist with him and he has agreed and is sorting it so that’s something.
He has his good side too. If I ask him to sort something he always does. He can be very considerate and loving in an emotionally supportive kind of way. He wants to fix issues generally and will talk things through. Getting him to understand can be hard though.
How do I broach this?