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Relationships

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Original poster

Selfish partner?

83 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 28/05/2023 12:04

Hi, I’ve name changed for this.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and I really care about him but… in all honesty I also find him selfish in a lot of ways and I need to tackle this with him.

There are two main problems, money and sex. Both of our living situations are complicated which means staying over each others houses is a rare occurrence. When the stars align kind of thing. We are both working on this though so hopefully it will improve.
Due to his living situation (he’s effectively renting a distant relatives spare room) he needs to move out asap. He is saving to do this but finding it hard.

He claims poverty all the time and I’m not denying he’s struggling a bit but I don’t believe it’s nearly as much as he suggests. If he needs something urgently he can find the money or pull it out of his savings and it doesn’t take long to get his savings back up. Basically because he’s saving I end up paying for everything and it’s really getting me down. When we go out I pay for food, cinema tickets/bowling/mini golf/whatever it is. It’s got to the point where it’s just expected I pay and I’m really starting to resent it. I’m generous by nature. I really didn’t mind at first but I’m also saving for a house deposit. It’s starting to feel like I spend all my money so he can save his.

I felt really pissed off this morning. His boss has effectively just given him a few hundred as a bonus and he’s happy because he now has enough for a rental deposit. While I don’t expect him to blow all of that… I know when I see him it will still be me paying for everything and it just riles a bit.

The second issue is sex. He has very severe erectile dysfunction. He is getting treatment for it and I know it upsets him as much as it upsets me. He’s been back and forth the doctors for weeks about it and it looks promising that it will be sorted in the coming weeks. This is great but while this has been ongoing we have had pretty much no sex life.

I finally snapped last week and told him I thought he was selfish in bed. The times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to get an erection and then he just abandons it. Theres no thought of my needs. I’ve tried to explain it to him in terms of periods. If I was on my period and he was horny and I started giving him oral, how would he feel if I just suddenly stopped and didn’t bother because I wasn’t getting off to.

I know I might sound really unsympathetic here but it has been over half a year of this. It doesn’t help that when we did have a sex life he was also a little selfish. It was all over when he finished, he expected oral but wouldn’t return it sort of thing. I’ve told him I want to see a sex therapist with him and he has agreed and is sorting it so that’s something.

He has his good side too. If I ask him to sort something he always does. He can be very considerate and loving in an emotionally supportive kind of way. He wants to fix issues generally and will talk things through. Getting him to understand can be hard though.

How do I broach this?

OP posts:

Softoprider · 28/05/2023 13:41

OP You really care about him but he does not reciprocate !

Dump

Original poster

Mydogisamentalist · 28/05/2023 13:43

I really don’t feel like it’s malicious in anyway. It’s like he just doesn’t think.

I text him shortly after starting this thread. I said I was starting to feel resentful of paying for everything and that it’s sad that I treat him yet he doesn’t do the same for me. I also said the sex situation was making me sad but I didn’t say more than that. It’s an emotive topic for him.

He has replied saying he will pay for everything next time and he’s doing everything I ask about the sex stuff. I know he really will pay but it’s just annoying that I had to ask. I’m a pay someone back the second I owe it to them kind of person. I don’t understand how someone could be so clueless.

OP posts:

FloweryWowery · 28/05/2023 13:48

There's nothing to understand - he's selfish and thoughtless. Go and find someone who isn't. You say that him treating you poorly isn't malicious - but whatever his intentions, the outcome is the same.

ringsaglitter · 28/05/2023 13:49

Mate..... you're a mat that's being walked all over. Gently, have a bit of self-respect and chuck him, like everyone else is saying.

You're messaging him like you think you can 'talk things through and they'll change'

You're dreaming. The sooner you get out, the sooner the pain is over and your back in the game - and quite frankly your wallet will thank you x

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 28/05/2023 13:54

You should’ve dumped him yesterday.

I wouldn’t have put up with nearly a month of this, much less nearly one year!

Another pp here who would dump a man who isn’t keen on returning oral sex.

And he’s using you so he can stack his money, as he’s tight as hell.
He should have just kept the news re. his bonus to himself 🙄 I would have called him out for that, as he then continued to keep his hands in his pockets when he should have been offering to pay.

If you decide to continue with him because you think he’s miraculously going to change, just don’t let him move in with you. Ever!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 13:57

He has replied saying he will pay for everything next time and he’s doing everything I ask about the sex stuff

IMO that's just another version of 'I'll change and do anything you want.' Until it's too much trouble and he goes back to the old ways.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 14:00

You really do have doormat and or victim here written on your forehead here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He targeted you deliberately to further exploit and indeed he is.

Why is your bar in relationships this low that this individual was allowed into your life in the first place? Are you really that desperate for a man and or his company you’d put up with any old shit?. This is what it’s like a mere one year in, another 3-4 years of this will destroy you emotionally.

MsMarch · 28/05/2023 14:04

Yeah, he'll pay next time. And then it will go back to the status quo and you'll feel bad becuase "after all, he did pay that one time."

You need higher standards. this man is awful.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 14:04

Assuming he is just 'that clueless' and not deliberately doing things like mentioning the bonus and bringing you that might over to buy after having just spent 40 quid on himself...

Does he think you're his mummy?
Why is him needing to buy a house your problem when you're saving for your own place too? Unless you're planning on buying together. Which would be an awful idea with a man who has demonstrated that what's his is his qnd whats yours is, also his.

yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2023 14:07

Even if it's not deliberate or malicious, do you really want to be with someone who's so inconsiderate and tone deaf he'll splurge £40 on a fancy cooking utensil but needs to be explicitly told to pay for dinner every once in a while?

I have a hard time believing he's genuinely so clueless.

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 14:08

Can you really be arsed to have a relationship with someone you have to ask, teach or remind to be generous, fair and kind?

Flowerycat · 28/05/2023 14:09

Ask him to pay you back all the money you subbed him when he was skint. Then go 50/50 all the time.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 14:11

Also, 'I'll pay next time'. Umm no.

How about 'I'll start contributing equally from now on. I'm so sorry I've made you feel this way. I've I've wrapped up I my own problems and not thinking about your needs and didn't realise i was being a twat. How about i take us on a weekend away, on me? And from now on call me out if you ever feel I have my head up my arse and I'm not being fair'.

Bare minimum.
That's not going to happen though.

DPotter · 28/05/2023 14:13

This must be hard reading for you OP - I'm sorry about that. I'm in line with all the other posters. His behaviour may not be deliberately selfish but that doesn't change how it impacts on you.

So he's saving hard - that's fine, however someone who isn't selfish would be embarrassed to be paid for all the time. He should be finding things to do for dates / days out that are free and not expensive. And he certainly shouldn't be selfish in bed.

You can't change him - he has to want to change, really want to change. If this thoughtless person is the real him - he's got a lot of work to do. He may not mean to be malicious, but the effect on you is just the same. Frankly I'd be stepping back completely from the relationship.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 28/05/2023 14:23

Oh, how I so wish that I’d had access to forums like this before I started dating back in the 90’s. The duds and the heartbreak I could have dodged.

EarthSight · 28/05/2023 14:30

I sounds grim OP. Did you really have no other options?

It was all over when he finished, he expected oral but wouldn’t return it sort of thing

You don't need a sex therapist to fix this. You are both pathologising plain selfish behaviour.

How old is he? Unless he's at least 50 and he also has health issues or is currently on some kind of medication that's affecting his libido, I'd suspect his problem is overuse of porn.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 14:31

Exactly as pp said, especially in the warmer weather the last few months, he could be taking you on picnics or to museums or art galleries. Plenty of things that don't require you to pay for everything. The fact that he has no shame about having asked you to cover him is one thing but has he not even bothered to think of ways to make it cheaper for you?

If I was i guy and I was broke I'd try to be creative about places we could go and cheaper things to do. Ideally so I could still pay my way (at the bare minimum) and not break the bank. Also, sometimes I'd fork out a bit more for something special and cover us both, because I want her to know how important she is to me.

Being low on dosh isn't an excuse to be selfish or unthoughtful.

That being said, you could also have suggested these things too tbf.

EarthSight · 28/05/2023 14:37

I really don’t feel like it’s malicious in anyway. It’s like he just doesn’t think

It's true that the most dangerous, worst sort of man is the malicious type who enjoys the suffering of others, who will take revenge if they don't get what they want.....BUT......aside from this guy you're with, you really need to recognise another type of man who can do a lot of damage.

I call it 'cold damage'. They're not actively malicious and don't enjoy the thought of hurting their partners, but they are self-centred and selfish in their thinking and actions. They simply don't consider you are an autonomous human being with needs and feelings of your own. They only have the headspace for the needs of one person - and that's themself. It's all take with them, they're usually pretty cold by nature and generally mean with money.

Just like a flower that will wilt when it's not being cared for, you will wilt in a relationship with them from the lack of care, lack of consideration and love that you will experience. You will be neglected.

You will spend a lot of time trying to cheerleading for them, caring for them, trying to please them.....but you'll never get what you need back from them. They're just either not built that way emotionally....or they're just not that into you.

tothelefttotheleft · 28/05/2023 15:04

Flowerycat · 28/05/2023 14:09

Ask him to pay you back all the money you subbed him when he was skint. Then go 50/50 all the time.

Absolutely this!

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 15:07

Suddenly thinking of Tam from Still Game.
I wonder if he got an electric shock from a toaster he'd be less tight.

Defo tell him he needs to pay you back.
(Then dump him when he does before he has the chance to scrounge off you anymore xD)

greyhairnomore · 28/05/2023 15:10

Nah , imagine if you moved in together, you'd still end up paying for everything.
Get rid.

SquatBetty · 28/05/2023 15:21

Tight with money AND selfish in bed?

DUMP DUMP DUMP!

You can do so much better than that

TheInterceptor · 28/05/2023 15:27

He really, really isn't sorting a sex therapist. I'll bet my house on it. OP, don't waste any more of your time on this relationship, move on to better things.

Whataretalkingabout · 28/05/2023 15:56

Why are you asking for advice on MN? Why are you defending this selfish person? I don't get it. You are so lucky that everyone here wants to help you . It looks like you want us to tell you he is a keeper? Well he is not. Stop seeing him! You'd be better off alone! Don't you see that? You're not thinking clearly here. It looks like you have lost your mind.

So what can we say? Stay with him, go broke, be miserable and unsatisfied if that's what you want. Just don't bother asking for help and wasting people's time.
You are being foolish OP.

Shapemyeyebrows · 28/05/2023 16:08

@Mydogisamentalist why are you clinging onto this relationship? These aren’t little things you can just iron out. He has basically been taking you for a mug this last year. He may well pay for everything next time but I can guarantee that won’t be an ongoing thing. Alongside that, he’s selfish in bed. Even taking away the ED (which itself is tough) he has shown you he’s not interested in your needs. This won’t get better, he might up his game for a short time to fool you but it will only get worse in the long run. The red flags we ignore in the beginning are mostly the reasons the relationship ends.

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