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Original poster

Boyfriend (M33)texted a brothel and went

100 replies

Ellaincer · 28/05/2023 00:43

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3.5 years and have had a truly happy and healthy relationship. I trusted him fully and we both had full access to each others phones, laptops everything. In the 3 years my boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt he was being unfaithful. Fast forward to this week. We have recently moved country and have been living in a new city for the last 2 months, we started to argue a bit more since moving and the relationship has been a bit fraught. Nevertheless I still loved him and knew we would get past it. A few days ago I went on his laptop to send a message to a friend on WhatsApp as my phone was out of battery. It was there I saw he had texted a brothel asking if any girls were available (I had been away that weekend). I obviously flipped and confronted him immediately about it. He first lied and made up some story about it being someone else. I knew it was a lie. He then admitted it was him but that he had been drunk and high on cocaine. I then asked if he actually went there and he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted etc. I left him immediately and flew home to be with my family. Since then he has been begging to get me back and swears he will go to therapy and NA meetings and that he is willing to stop drinking and going drugs as that’s what apparently sent him spiralling. Should I give him another chance considering this is the first time he has made a mistake in 3 years (although a massive one)? Or do I just leave him and move on?

OP posts:
lakesummer · 28/05/2023 00:45

Leave and move on.
Consider it a lucky escape.

Castleintheclouds · 28/05/2023 00:46

Stay away from him lovely, your future doesn't have a partner who contacts brothels in. You have a better life than that ahead of you.

Pallisers · 28/05/2023 00:48

Well it is the first time you discovered he made that mistake.

But even if it was the first time in 3 years. He drinks too much, takes cocaine and wants to use prostitutes (probably trafficked girls - and the cocaine has a trail of blood and pain too).

If you had been interviewed aged 13 about the type of man you wanted to be with, are these the things you'd have said?

Seriously, OP. Is this what you want for yourself? you owe him nothing - no second chances. Have some respect for yourself.

Cocoalover · 28/05/2023 00:50

I'd say leave, but it's easier said than done. If you stay, it will take a very long time (if ever) to regain trust. You will worry about what he's up to when you are not together. That will be detrimental to your well-being. Leave now and try to move on. There is someone out there who will be 100% committed to you and treat you how you deserve. That man isn't the one. If he was, he wouldn't have visited a brothel

Precipice · 28/05/2023 00:51

It's not a mistake. He did it deliberately.

It's good that he didn't go through with it (if you believe him, since earlier in the conversation he lied). But he still intended to cheat on you and he still intended to have sex with a woman in prostitution (with a high chance of trafficking and coercion).

barmycatmum · 28/05/2023 01:00

It took a lot of steps and planning to make that “mistake.”
I absolutely could not trust someone who does cocaine.

stay away for a while - distance and time will give you perspective on him. He’s not trustworthy and never will be.

Anotherparkingthread · 28/05/2023 01:05

You're so well rid of him.

Of course he is still lying to you.

I don't know your set up, if you own assets or have children together, but if you don't you shoukd literally block him on every platform and never look back.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:06

Fuck that

Dotcheck · 28/05/2023 01:10

he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted

No

This was his first mistake

No

These things are not true.
Personally, I think all the steps involved in getting into a brothel is worse than actually putting his penis into anyone else ( although, see above).

Who DOES that? Who on earth gets bored, gets high, contacts a brothel, makes his way there, and then, what- has a nice cuppa at the bar.

No.

This is not a good man.

If you were at a loose end of an evening, would you think ‘ I know! How about I see if I can hire someone for the evening!’

FFS

Redglitter · 28/05/2023 01:11

Should I give him another chance considering this is the first time he has made a mistake in 3 years

This is the first time he's been caught. It won't be the first time he's done it

He takes drugs & has sex with prostitutes. He's not exactly a catch is he?

Block his number & make an appt to get checked for STIs

Dotcheck · 28/05/2023 01:11

Meant to say- this is not first time behaviour. It just isn’t.

lakesummer · 28/05/2023 01:15

Three years without taking drugs and visiting a brothel is a very low bar to set.
He isn't a decent life partner and possible father.
Be grateful it was only three years and there are no kids.

JeandeServiette · 28/05/2023 01:15

Should I give him another chance considering this is the first time he has made a mistake in 3 years

Well if one brothel visit every three years is an acceptable level for you, go ahead. Can't see the appeal myself.

Although if you really believe that he made his excuses and left, you're being very gullible.

Boomshock · 28/05/2023 01:40

It wasn't a 'mistake'. It was a choice.

Leave.

Theimpossiblegirl · 28/05/2023 02:03

You poor thing, this is shit for you. But he's shown you who he is and you deserve better. Block him, have a cry, pick yourself up and move on. In a short time, you'll see it as a dodged bullet.

Also, kindly, please get yourself checked for STDs.

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 28/05/2023 02:08

He is a liar, cheat, a druggie who visits prostitutes when you are away.
should you give him a second chance? Really?
You’ve done the difficult bit by leaving. Leave this loser behind. You will never be able to trust him again.

StandingMyGround888 · 28/05/2023 02:12

Block, delete, grieve and move on. The fact that he thinks being on cocaine is a MITIGATING factor is actually quite hilarious. Unfortunately he's a sinking ship and he'll bring your life down with him.

Move on afresh in a life where cocaine and prostitutes aren't featured.

JMSA · 28/05/2023 02:19

It's the first time in three years that you have discovered a mistake. It is unlikely to have come out of nowhere.
I'm so sorry, OP Flowers
You have done really well to leave and can hold your head up high. It would be a mistake to go back.

Rubychews · 28/05/2023 03:07

You know despite what he tells you he did go through with it. He is only promising the big changes because he got caught.

suburbophobe · 28/05/2023 03:37

Brothels? Cocaine?

You know that is NOT who you want in your future.

Thank yourself for finding this out and move on in life.

I'm so sorry. Must be hell finding this out.

Just put on Gloria Gaynor "I WILL SURVIVE".
It's our anthem.

And thank him in your mind for opening your eyes to what you DO want in life.

Wish you all the best.

RedToothBrush · 28/05/2023 03:42

Your OP should read

My ex boyfriend treated me like shit and took me for a mug with his lies.

How do I improve my self esteem and prevent myself from falling for another scum bag who finds it easy to lie to me.

How do I remove the word doormat from my head.

Any other response to what you have found out and the way he's behaved isnt good for you.

Good luck making some changes to your life.

ShandaLear · 28/05/2023 05:34

It is quite extraordinary that he was caught the very first time he ever did it, don’t you think? I married a man who cheated on me, and I never trusted him the whole way through the marriage, and with good reason in the end as he was shagging rings round him when he went to conferences abroad.

Of course he shagged the woman in the brothel. There is no way he went to all the effort of messaging, arranging an appointment, and then going there, without going through with it. He paid for sex. That’s who he is. Leave.

LadyH846 · 28/05/2023 06:05

Absolutely you did the right thing by leaving. Don't go back.

You have two choices ahead of you. One is pain in the short term, that you will get over within weeks or months. The other is many years or a lifetime of pain, bitterness and mistrust.

This will happen again. Of course he slept with the prostitute. He lied to you initially and he's lying to you about this. Get a STI test and stay away from him. Count your lucky stars you found out now.

LadyH846 · 28/05/2023 06:06

*Thank your lucky stars

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/05/2023 07:43

Of course he went through with it.
He's continuing to lie about it.

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