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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend (M33)texted a brothel and went

100 replies

Ellaincer · 28/05/2023 00:43

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3.5 years and have had a truly happy and healthy relationship. I trusted him fully and we both had full access to each others phones, laptops everything. In the 3 years my boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt he was being unfaithful. Fast forward to this week. We have recently moved country and have been living in a new city for the last 2 months, we started to argue a bit more since moving and the relationship has been a bit fraught. Nevertheless I still loved him and knew we would get past it. A few days ago I went on his laptop to send a message to a friend on WhatsApp as my phone was out of battery. It was there I saw he had texted a brothel asking if any girls were available (I had been away that weekend). I obviously flipped and confronted him immediately about it. He first lied and made up some story about it being someone else. I knew it was a lie. He then admitted it was him but that he had been drunk and high on cocaine. I then asked if he actually went there and he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted etc. I left him immediately and flew home to be with my family. Since then he has been begging to get me back and swears he will go to therapy and NA meetings and that he is willing to stop drinking and going drugs as that’s what apparently sent him spiralling. Should I give him another chance considering this is the first time he has made a mistake in 3 years (although a massive one)? Or do I just leave him and move on?

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 28/05/2023 07:47

Lots of things people do deserve second chances - this is NOT one of them.

Lampzade · 28/05/2023 07:52

The cocaine binge alone should be enough for you to get rid of this man.

BTW don’t believe that nonsense about how he couldn’t go through with it. He has probably been visiting prostitutes for years.
He was just caught this time.
Cut your losses and run for the hills

Redebs · 28/05/2023 07:59

He did go through with it.

It isn't the first time.

A man who can even think of using women who are likely forced into sexual slavery is not someone you want to have anything to do with. Trust your first instinct and stay well away from this dirty little creep.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 28/05/2023 07:59

Do NOT go back to this man.

Cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes? No, just no. Block and move on with your life, you deserve better. I am glad you are in a different country from him, it will make it easier for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2023 08:04

mmm, a pissed up coke head that uses women for sex? Sounds delightful! You know the answer op.

the WhatsApp thing doesn’t add up by the way. If you checked his laptop just own it. But you know you can’t just use WhatsApp on another device without verifying it with your phone right?

YoSof · 28/05/2023 08:04

Do you really believe that you caught him the very first time he attempted to cheat?

This was not the first time. It’s the first time you found out, and I would bet my house that he did go through with it.

Don’t go back.

IncomingTraffic · 28/05/2023 08:11

Contacting brothels asking if any girls are available is not ‘a mistake’.

It’s absolutely indicative of his attitude to women. And it’s far worse than cheating. At least cheating would have some chance of requiring him to treat a woman like a person rather than an object to be shopped for and used to suit him.

This is a whole parade of red flags, with flashing lights and a sound track chanting ‘RUN. RUN.’

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/05/2023 08:12

They always claim they never went through with it.

It's convenient because the evidence trail stops at the brothel/apartment the prostitute is using etc.

This is the typical cheater's playbook, which is "only admit to what can be proven".

If women on here ever have the opportunity to find out if he did actually have sex with a prostitute, they tend to find out he did.

As others have said - how very unusually unlucky for him to be caught the first and only time he's done it. When ppl get caught doing something, it's usually something theyve done more than once.

Also the coke and drink typical excuses - for why he's not responsible for his values, ideas, choices, decision making, actions ...... But he is. Plenty of ppl get drunk every day of the week and don't contact and go to brothels. Plenty of ppl do coke ... And don't contact & go to brothels.

Looking up, contacting sex workers and apparently (it's likely) having sex with them is what he does when he's high. He can't blame the drink and coke if every other person drink or taking coke doesn't do the same, which they don't. It's a out his inclinations and values and character.

He's trotting out one of the typical convenient lines for a cheater who's been caught. They generally revolve around being under the influence, being an "addict", being depressed etc etc.

As someone said above, someone who drinks to any large extent and does coke at all is hardly a great partner prospect anyway.

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/05/2023 08:17

You don't mention kids.

That means you are very lucky.

Youre not in the position of some women on here who found out similar bit with kids by the prostitute user.

That's a possibility you're looking at if you stay with him and progress the relationship naturally to a family etc.

When a man crosses that line (and has the values necessary to cross that line) into using prostitutes, theyre permanently a risk for using prostitutes. It's no small thing to buy the use of a stranger's body and use it (which it's likely he did not matter what he claims ... He lied about everything else first). Takes a certain mentality.

When they cross the cheating line on their partner - same story. It tells you a lot about them.

dudsville · 28/05/2023 08:18

Op, don't worry if this was the first time or not, whether he's apologetic and swears help never do it again, etc. The fact that he did says a part of him thinks it's OK. He can go to therapy and sort himself out, that's a great idea. You being involved in his healing process is not a great idea. Move on and find actual happiness for yourself.

Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 08:20

I very much doubt he went there and didn’t go through with it. Of course he’s going to say that. He’s a cheat. Whether you stay with him or not is your choice but the trust will be gone.

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/05/2023 08:24

On the (very possible) chance he had sex with a prostitute that time and maybe even other times, I would get an std check just to be on the safe side.
Even if condoms are used, some STDs are still possible. And I've read on UK punting that owo (oral without a condom) is really quite common - and it's not impossible for STDs to be spread from mouth/throat onto the man.

Wouldn't want your fertility etc potentially affected by this creep.

Superdupes · 28/05/2023 08:28

How can you trust a word he says when he's proved he's a liar? He takes drugs and I very much doubt this was his first visit to prostitutes. He's grim OP, block him and don't let him mess with your head any further. No one is ever going to suggest you give this loser another chance. Well done for immediately flying home to your family, now start building yourself a new life.

IncomingTraffic · 28/05/2023 08:29

It doesn’t even matter if he ‘went through with it’.

This isn’t some opportunistic accident. How much intentional effort does it take to decide you fancy exploiting some more than likely trafficked woman for your sexual satisfaction, find a brothel, get the contact number and then make an appointment via WhatsApp?

Have you ever accidentally found yourself sitting in a chair in a completely new hair salon wondering how you accidentally booked a haircut you don’t even want? Exactly.

And that’s without even adding in the horror that is the sex ‘industry’ or the cheating or the risk of passing on STIs to you or anything else.

Stop trying to frame it as ‘a mistake’ or ‘the first mistake in 3 years’. It’s not a mistake. Not even close to one.

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/05/2023 08:30

IncomingTraffic · 28/05/2023 08:29

It doesn’t even matter if he ‘went through with it’.

This isn’t some opportunistic accident. How much intentional effort does it take to decide you fancy exploiting some more than likely trafficked woman for your sexual satisfaction, find a brothel, get the contact number and then make an appointment via WhatsApp?

Have you ever accidentally found yourself sitting in a chair in a completely new hair salon wondering how you accidentally booked a haircut you don’t even want? Exactly.

And that’s without even adding in the horror that is the sex ‘industry’ or the cheating or the risk of passing on STIs to you or anything else.

Stop trying to frame it as ‘a mistake’ or ‘the first mistake in 3 years’. It’s not a mistake. Not even close to one.

This.

TeaYarn · 28/05/2023 08:47

the Drug taking would make me end the relationship

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 28/05/2023 08:51

He's a liar, an addict & he's put your sexual health at risk.

Why are you putting up with this shit?

Blossomed · 28/05/2023 08:58

I’m really sorry OP, that must have been a horrible discovery.
His story doesn’t seem to add up. If he was that out of it, how did he even manage to message the brothel, let alone research them/get the number? And he did this for the first time because you were away for one weekend?! It sounds like leaving him in a different country was the best thing. Look after yourself ❤

Flowerycat · 28/05/2023 09:02

No kids, no marriage, no mortgage?
Next time he contacts you begging forgiveness I would send him the biggest laughing emoji I could find. I’d follow it up with a gif of someone having a party.

Run a mile, you are very very lucky to find this out pre marriage and pre kids. Have a party, crack out the champagne and celebrate with your family and friends. Have a ‘Lose a loser’ party today.

Have an amazing life without him. Let him waste his on cocaine, booze and stds - it’s obviously what he values in life - let him crack on.

rolvus · 28/05/2023 09:05

It's a certain type of man who does this, and he will NEVER change. I knew this about my partner (when we were on a break) and thought he'd grow up and grow out of it, or that it was just a one off. Of course it didn't turn out like that. Now I am trapped with him with 3 children and have HUGE regrets. You deserve more than this. Walk away NOW.

MzHz · 28/05/2023 09:10

There have been SO many wonderful responses to your post @Ellaincer and whether it’s the tough love or the more considered ones, nobody is saying that this is nothing.

thank god you don’t have financial ties or a kid with this guy.

as @LadyH846 says, you have 2 choices: one that’s short term pain and freedom to move on and have someone worthy of you in your life, or the other is a life sentence of pain. You’ll end up having kids with him, then stuck for good with this piss poor excuse for a man/father in your lives forever.

take the decision today to choose a better future for yourself. We’re all behind you.

MadeofCheeese · 28/05/2023 09:10

Just wanted to add, how did he know how to contact a brothel?
My partner wouldn't know how to do it or where one was?
I'm not saying my partner would never cheat but having a fling at work compared with knowing how to access a brothel are a bit different.

bathsh3ba · 28/05/2023 09:12

Did you know he takes drugs? That is as big an issue as the brothel.

My experience of an ex-husband who used brothels suggests it won't have been/will not be the first time. The kind of person who thinks it's okay to use a brothel has little respect for women.

You did the right thing leaving. I do believe people can turn their lives around and change but they have to want to and they have to do it. If he works on himself and comes back evidencing change maybe then you could reconsider. But for now at least definitely stay away, heal and mentally move on.

MzHz · 28/05/2023 09:13

Meant to say, the relationship you thought you had was a lie, it never existed, only your ignorance of what was going on behind your back. There is no way he’s not done this before. Not a chance.

you will never ever trust him fully again. Every time you’re away it will cross your mind and you’ll have that truly awful sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.

be decisive, be firm and choose yourself and a better life.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2023 09:21

He is a dud. Cut your losses now, he is not partner material.