Page 4 | Boyfriend (M33)texted a brothel and went

CharlottenBurger · 29/05/2023 13:40

I might consider getting myself checked out for STDs.

BabaJel · 29/05/2023 14:20

I had a similar situation in 2016 and decided to forgive him…..never fully trusted him again. He’s just left me after 20+ years for someone I thought was a good friend. Trust me-leave now with dignity and don’t believe a word he says.

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 15:07

Ellaincer · 28/05/2023 00:43

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3.5 years and have had a truly happy and healthy relationship. I trusted him fully and we both had full access to each others phones, laptops everything. In the 3 years my boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt he was being unfaithful. Fast forward to this week. We have recently moved country and have been living in a new city for the last 2 months, we started to argue a bit more since moving and the relationship has been a bit fraught. Nevertheless I still loved him and knew we would get past it. A few days ago I went on his laptop to send a message to a friend on WhatsApp as my phone was out of battery. It was there I saw he had texted a brothel asking if any girls were available (I had been away that weekend). I obviously flipped and confronted him immediately about it. He first lied and made up some story about it being someone else. I knew it was a lie. He then admitted it was him but that he had been drunk and high on cocaine. I then asked if he actually went there and he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted etc. I left him immediately and flew home to be with my family. Since then he has been begging to get me back and swears he will go to therapy and NA meetings and that he is willing to stop drinking and going drugs as that’s what apparently sent him spiralling. Should I give him another chance considering this is the first time he has made a mistake in 3 years (although a massive one)? Or do I just leave him and move on?

He lies and takes drugs.

The brothel wasn't 'the first mistake

JFDIYOLO · 29/05/2023 15:30

He drinks.

Uses drugs.

Researches and plans opportunities to use prostituted women.

Lies about it.

Gets caught out.

Why in the name of sanity are you even thinking of wasting your life on this lowlife?

And by the way what he's doing right now is step one of the controller's handbook - Mr Nice, tears, promises, 'I'll do better, it'll all be wonderful' lovebombing bullshit

His mask has slipped and you have seen his true personality - a forecast of the rest of your life if you give in to this current load of lies.

EarthSight · 29/05/2023 15:43

OP - the bigger picture here is that he has problems with impulsivity and addiction.

You can wish him well on his life journey, but it doesn't mean you should waste years of your life on the gamble that he will change.

On these forums, you will notice that certain things so often go hand-in-hand - cocaine is often associated with partying (although not always), strip clubs , prostitutes, gambling and dangerous driving. He's a liability. He's already shown himself to be a man who can't help put his hand in the cookie jar, which is quite a light way of talking about partaking in cheating and prostitution, but you catch my drift.

I'd be concerned about merging finances with such a man. Today I'd be worried about cheating and drug use. Tomorrow he might gamble our life savings away and land us both in debt.

I remember a woman on here months back saying her cocaine using husband had been speeding with their toddler in the car. Don't end up like that woman.

CharlottenBurger · 29/05/2023 16:08

I am trying to imagine going in a brothel 'by mistake'.

lookeelikee · 29/05/2023 16:12

Gets drunk.
Does Cocaine and goes to brothels.

He's a catch

Twobyfour · 29/05/2023 16:13

At least you left now rather in a few years time while trapped on SMP with a baby in tow and him frittering away money on drugs and prostitutes.

tailinthejam · 29/05/2023 16:22

His first mistake? The first time he has ever taken cocaine, and also the first time he's gone to a brothel?

No. What he really means is that it's the first time he's made the mistake of not covering up his tracks, and consequently the first time you've caught him out.

Pinkbonbon · 29/05/2023 16:25

Oh fuck no.

Well done for getting out. You're a star!

Genuinely horrifying to think a partner could do such a thing.

Best case scenario he is a druggie who views women as objects to be bought. Who considered cheating with prostitutes and then tells you big whopping lies about it.

Worst case scenario, the same thing only he does go through with the act.

Get yourself an sti test just incase.
Hopefully he'll stay away over there and not be able to harass you further.

He's a total slimebal and you're well rid.
And if he needs help for his drugs then maybe being single is where he needs to be in order to address that as he was obviously quite ok doing them whilst with you.

Ps: drugs don't make you plan out how to cheat on your partner and then go do it. He thought that through. It wasn't a 'oops' it was deliberate.

Ponderingwindow · 29/05/2023 16:37

If you ever start to waiver in your resolve to stay away from this man, just spend a few minutes reading about the economic traps set for women at supposedly consensual brothels. Even if they weren’t trafficked to begin with, the “contracts” are set up to make sure that they can never make enough money to leave, even in places like the United States.

HowAmYa · 29/05/2023 16:56

There's a few thread la on MN about men contacting sex workers/brothels. But this is a site for advice when shit like this happens.

I assure you, 99.9% of all men go their entire lifetime without contacting one. It is not normal, do not let him try to normalise this. Realistically he's only saying what you want to hear as he's been caught out. But regardless, whether anyone goes through with it or not, contacting a brothel is something that I would say is a relationship offense that is not forgivable.

You've had a lucky escape. Don't go back

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 17:28

He texted a brothel. He went to the brothel. What are the chances that at that point he chose not to go thought with it?
And the problem is, you know he's happy to lie to you, so you'll never know if went through it or not. He can't insist you should believe him, when he's proved he lies to you.
You don't know if this is the only time. It's a pretty big leap to go from 'perfect bf' to 'drinks, takes cocaine, visits prostitutes then lies about it all'. So it would be naive to think this is his first go at lying to you.
And even if he didn't go through with it, do you really want to be with someone who thinks about doing that? Who texts a brothel and visits that brothel and relies on their conscience kicking in at that point?
Do you want to be with someone who can't control their drink and takes cocaine?
You've done the right thing.

DNLove · 04/08/2023 11:01

The casualness of his "have you got a girl available" is not the way a man goes about getting his first prostitute. Far too confident for his only time. No way in hell did he not go through with it. No one off their head on coke thinks like that. They are full of their own BS and would go through with it.
His feeding you with lies and thinking you are stupid enough to believe them shows what little he thinks of you. End it and you will find someone that loves and respects you and doesn't risk your health for a quick shag with a sex worker.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/08/2023 11:13

he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted etc

Mmmhmmm. Why wasn't he disgusted before, OP?

He's come out with the standard script for men who cheat/visit brothels. Listen to the posters on here who have a wealth of bitter experience.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/08/2023 11:15

Ooops, just seen this is from a few months ago, soz.

roarrfeckingroar · 04/08/2023 11:50

I wouldn't believe that he didn't go through with it for a minute.

A future with this man is one of sadness and distrust. You deserve better; we all do.

Original poster

Ellaincer · 19/08/2023 19:30

Thank you all. I was an idiot and took him back. Less than a week after I returned to work things out with him I found out he had been cheating on me with a girl he’d met whilst I had left him and had also been on dating apps trying to invite girls back to our house. So he really is a piece of shit and I’m a gullible fool. Needless to say I have now left for good.

OP posts:

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 19:36

Nope. Do not give a second chance. You will just be teaching him that he can get away with it. Also beyond ridiculous he seems to think being drunk and taking cocaine means he accidently called a brothel. Cut contact with him. I am sorry this has happened to you.

MzHz · 20/08/2023 23:01

Ellaincer · 19/08/2023 19:30

Thank you all. I was an idiot and took him back. Less than a week after I returned to work things out with him I found out he had been cheating on me with a girl he’d met whilst I had left him and had also been on dating apps trying to invite girls back to our house. So he really is a piece of shit and I’m a gullible fool. Needless to say I have now left for good.

Good for you! Now you know to trust your first response and not go back.

what an idiot he is! You are worth so much more

andthat · 20/08/2023 23:40

@Ellaincer so you were willing to take back a lying, drunk, drug taking user of sex workers.

Take some time to consider why your bar is set so low and work on raising your standards and self worth. You deserve better.

Wishing you the very best.

Happinessandlove · 26/02/2024 02:46

I have not only been where you are but I am there right now!!! I stayed............ I don't regret it in most ways. We have our wonderful kids together and a good life in many ways...but I will promise you that you will always find yourself wondering what he is up to...always...and that degradation of trust doesn't get better with time sadly......Also it demonstrates a lack of respect for you and women in general...for me at least, that lack of respect has become increasingly evident in our day to day lives...and I am very aware that we do not share the same moral compass 🧭. I had no idea how important this was until recently...my children are becoming young adults and some of the things he says and does around them horrify me. What he did is not good and takes some serious premeditation to plan....that shows cunning and manipulation....trust me...if you stay you fall victim to this too at some point. I would say leave whilst you can before there are too many times. You get one life, it is not a dress rehearsal!! I would also state that he needs treatment for addiction...but that's not your problem.Goodluck darling. Xxx

littlebopeepp234 · 26/02/2024 04:10

If I had £1 for every time I read on here that he went “but wasn’t able to go through with it’ I’d be a very rich woman now. That is a textbook excuse they all say! Yes he DID go through with it. Don’t for one minute think he went to the trouble of contacting a brothel, got all the way there and then decided he felt too guilty! If he wasn’t able to go through with it he would’nt have contacted them in the first place!

WandaWonder · 26/02/2024 04:36

Ffs do you really need to ask, none of this happened by accident but you will probably do the same and millions of others and stay and put up with being treated badly and make excuses that are as old as time itself

Please say you are not pregnant?

And yes I am saying it like it is, I am not tiptoeing around going all 'there there poor you' own your decision

Kimmeridge · 26/02/2024 06:31

ZOMBIE THREAD