Boyfriend (M33)texted a brothel and went

[Ellaincer]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3.5 years and have had a truly happy and healthy relationship. I trusted him fully and we both had full access to each others phones, laptops everything. In the 3 years my boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt he was being unfaithful. Fast forward to this week. We have recently moved country and have been living in a new city for the last 2 months, we started to argue a bit more since moving and the relationship has been a bit fraught. Nevertheless I still loved him and knew we would get past it. A few days ago I went on his laptop to send a message to a friend on WhatsApp as my phone was out of battery. It was there I saw he had texted a brothel asking if any girls were available (I had been away that weekend). I obviously flipped and confronted him immediately about it. He first lied and made up some story about it being someone else. I knew it was a lie. He then admitted it was him but that he had been drunk and high on cocaine. I then asked if he actually went there and he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted etc. I left him immediately and flew home to be with my family. Since then he has been begging to get me back and swears he will go to therapy and NA meetings and that he is willing to stop drinking and going drugs as that’s what apparently sent him spiralling. Should I give him another chance considering this is the first time he has made a mistake in 3 years (although a massive one)? Or do I just leave him and move on?

No

Was it his idea to move country (back to his country?)by any chance and how come he was so familiar with the brothel, even if he didn’t go through with it that time he had obviously been to that brothel/another brothel before so was familiar with the set-up and terminology to use, and the cocaine - also a bad sign.

He texted a brothel to see if any girls were available. Fucking hell that turns my stomach.

Stay the fuck away from this disgusting turd of a 'man' and stop telling yourself it was his first mistake. It wasn't. Absolutely no chance in hell of that being the case.

Move on to a brighter future with a decent partner that deserves you and treats women as more than fuck holes to pay for at his whim. And doesn't abuse illegal drugs.

Did you get tested? Do you want children? Personally, I think you should leave regardless, but if you are early 30s too and wanting children then you really must.

He needn't be familiar with anything. In many countries brothels are legal and publicly advertised. It doesn't take much to undertake a quick internet search anyway.

Of course he went through with it. How gullible are you? He's lied zndied and is a competent scum bag. Never go back he'll just keep doing it.

Yeah definitely get rid of him. TBH it’s the booze and cocaine that concern me more.

At a similar age I was in a relationship of a similar time with someone who drank, smoked weed and was a bit irresponsible. I don’t think he visited a brothel but he cheated on me during a clubbing night away but I found out after we’d broken up.

This man won’t change.

It’s the combo of being unfaithful + alcohol + drugs, all in a new place that makes me say it’s not salvageable. It will be a hell of a lot if work fir him to ‘get over’ all of that.

Id also be worried that, once he knows how to get a brother etc.l in this new country, he’ll be much better at hiding his tracks.

Simplicity itself. Google 'massage parlour' in the town of your choice 😎

Just like we do for everything else really.

@RedToothBrush I think it's really harsh to say OP is a doormat.

She's done the hard part of upping and leaving! And is now having a wobble, which is understandable after what she thought was a super happy 3+ years (even if the reality may have been different) and has come here for support and advice.

My advice is same as everyone else OP - stay strong, don't go back, move on, spend time with yourself and then when you're ready, find someone better.

Even if he didn't go through with it, which I doubt, the thought is father to the deed. Either would be terminal to the relationship for me. 1. Sexual infidelity. 2. Risk of a nasty disease. 3. Waste of money (toms don't come cheap). 4. He considers women to be sex objects to be paid for.

Hell no.
Dump his sorry arse.

He absolutely did go through with it so don't believe that bullshit. This won't be his first time imo. How could you stay with someone who went out of his way to cheat on you? You would be an idiot to go back

then asked if he actually went there and he eventually admitted he had but that he hadn’t been able to go through with it as he was disgusted etc

They always say this. 🙄

Leave. Don’t go back.

Why are some women's standards so fucking low 🤬

Leave now.

The cocaine is enough reason. Otherwise you are condoning the murder of young black men, Mexicans and other deaths from the drugs trade.

Three years without taking drugs and visiting a brothel is a very low bar to set

Exactly this. I doubt it was even the first time tbh, more likely the first time he has been caught. Also don’t believe he went to all the planning, effort, got there and then thought ‘no, I’ll just go home instead’, likely story.

He has shown you who he is. Just get rid before you are faced with this in an even more complicated situation with house, kids etc.

Almost (almost!) worse than what he did, is his thinking you came down in the last shower and will believe he didn’t do anything. Just how stupid does he think you are?

Quite often, this type of man will talk to a woman as if she floated up the Lagan in a bubble, even if he knows she didn't, to enforce control if, or to test if, she has a low bar.

When I found out that my first husband had shagged the upstairs neighbour, I asked him why he had done it, and he said 'it just happened'. I was gone in a bit less than an hour. He said on the phone I was being 'unreasonable'.

Yuk. Not only has he visited the brothel, he's trying to use drink and drugs as an excuse. He's not even accepting responsibility! I'm sure you don't want to be involved with an alcoholic drug user, he sounds really sleazy. And I bet this is not a one-off, in terms of either the brothel or the excessive drinking or cocaine use.
You've taken the hardest step, don't go back!

Yes, more likely he couldn't get it up. Cocaine and alcohol do that.

On your marks...
Get set...
RUN 🏃‍♀️ LIKE HELL

So you dared to leave him alone for a couple of days and he has a wee party to himself?
I'm sorry its happened to you, especially in a foreign country OP.
So glad you made it home to family.
I hope you're able to discuss it with them and you have somewhere you can move back to near them 🌺

No. He’s a loser.