Cheating

[Countrygi]

I could rung a hotline or I could get advice from my fellow women so here goes
Been with OH for 17 years
6 years ago he came to me. He confessed to an affair. He threatened suicide. He had been caught out so he told me before I was told.
I forgave him.
We got married - all has been well.
I’ve always known he loves sex and would love to push boundaries. Naively I thought that was all in his youth. We are in our 50’s now
The other night our child who is late teens caught him reading a message on Grindr
He denied but a day later confessed.
It was just fun! He’d never met anyone just had chats with “half a dozen” Yes images were sent
I do know the answer. I do know what I have to do but I am easily blindsided.
Until two days ago my life with him was perfect.
I am scared. Life pension poor
I know he loves me but I know I cannot be enough
i don’t want judgement please, I just wanted practical unbiased advice please.

So this is a gay thing as well?

Grindr or tinder

What do you want to do, OP? How do you feel?

Grindr is well known for east hook ups. Please get a full STI and HIV screening. It’s likely he has went further than just messages.

Grindr

How do I feel?
Sad for him that he won’t admit you don’t do that without realising you are into other things and trust me, I am the biggest supporter of everyone being their true selves
Angry that he has trivialised downloading the app, setting up a profile and continuing with it for at least a couple of months until caught out - who know what would have happened had he not been caught

So is he gay?
was the previous affair with a male?

Woman

Cheating doesn't just have to be meeting up with someone physically it starts with sneaky conversations and hiding things it seems like he's only sorry once you've found out but he isn't sorry while he's doing it to you like you said in your head you know what's best but it is so hard when you've been with somebody for so long I think you are worth more than any of that though I hope you find peace

Run away
Not have had this happen
The future at my age is scary
Not ever meet another man as long as I live
My first husband slept with anything with a pulse and beat me up regularly
I am an idiot with men…..

That is kind and you’re right of course

Please don't beat yourself up about it with how your talking it sounds like your blaming yourself for what has happened you couldn't have done anything to of prevented this to happen you just need to focus on yourself now all this care and attention your putting into him to need to give yourself yes life might be scary but surround your self with people who genuinely love you it's okay to close a chapter on things you might like your new story better anyway :) no one deserves this only people the lowest of the low would think of cheating on someone not only once but he basically has twice now there is just no trust for you and he certainly has no respect for you I am sorry if I have offended you in anyway but he is an arsehole x

Def not offended - actually made me laugh
I guess coming on here to ask is me reaching out to you all
I have a high powered job and few friends as I have no free time though yes I do put him and our child first
I don’t want to burden my close friends ……yet

Did you ever suspect he was gay?

Yes. He likes that in the bedroom though one could argue is it gay or liking toys

If he is gay and is on gay sites with men he is looking for something he is never going to have with you if you know what I mean🍆 so I think it's best he stops leading you on and just ends it himself he's made all this mess and your having to pick up the pieces yes your children come first always but at for him he can rot lol

Personally, if you're considering staying with him, then couples therapy sounds like a good place to start as he's not fully accepting what he's done if he's 'minimising it'.

It will help you consider the kind of person you are dealing with, which might make you more ready to seek divorce. Or it might make you realise that he loves you and made a stupid mistake

A mistake is fair enough but like she said it's not the first time he had every intention in doing what he's done there is only one option and that is to leave but it's hard when there love history and children involved she can only make that decision for herself when she is good and ready couple counselling would be a waste of time in my opinion I have no judgment if she stayed with him because it would be so hard on her it's traumatic for one to deal with but the best decision would to leave

You are both right.
If this was the first mistake - however one terms it, then yes counselling would be an option except it’s not and that’s what hurts
I forgave him and he’s still looking for kicks elsewhere
i have explained to him it does not matter how much you think you love me, you just would not do that if you were completely happy

Personally, if you're considering staying with him, then couples therapy sounds like a good place to start a ..

No, an std clinic sounds like a good place to start, since men on grindr often fuck/suck/be sucked/fucked by anyone with a pulse in wcs, cars, particular clubs, saunas, glory holes etc.

Fuck couples therapy.

Are you going to therapise him into not being gay/bi?

Are you going to therapise him into not being a cheater? He's had at least one affair before and who knows what else he's been doing. What he's been caught adoinv
is what he's been caught at, not necessarily what he's done.

Are you going to therapise him into not being a nuclear level unstable manipulator who threatens his partner with suicide when he's confessing his infidelity?
That type of manipulation is par for the course with sociopath,narc etc cheaters. They're all still there somehow miraculously, years later, whether their unfortunate partner stayed or they moved onto a new victim, ahem partner (or a string of them).

I wonder why he even confessed his affair back then; maybe he was going to be dropped in it by the OW.

He sounds like he very much likes the conventional hetero "respectable" appearance and set up .... While actually being bi or gay and wanting sexual experiences outside his relationship. He's a cheater totally aside from his sexuality anyway. He would be even if he was "just" cheating with men, but he's cheated with women too.

Don't let him continue to use you as a beard.

This man is not partner material.

Sad for him that he won’t admit you don’t do that without realising you are into other things and trust me, I am the biggest supporter of everyone being their true selves

Be sad (and angry) for yourself.

There are plenty of bi and gay men out there living authentic, honest lives. They're not lying to, using and abusing someone else like he is.

And they accept the downsides of living authentically ... That they are extremely unlikely to have the traditional, conventional setup with wife & kids for their family, workplace, community etc.

Like a number of men, he wants both ... At the expense of someone else. He doesn't deserve pity. He's an immortal user. He doesn't care about his partners feelings, welfare, right to an authentic relationship.

Anyway, that's just the sexualitg side of things; he's a cheater generally too, he's cheated on you with women. What's he going for next, having done it with women, now (at the very least) done it emotionally, verbally, mentally etc with men (they're not talking about Fortnite on grindr) .... Trans people?

Who could be fucking bothered with him, seriously.

*He's an immoral user 🙄

if you're considering staying with him, then couples therapy sounds like a good place to start a ..

Couples therapy is not recommended with abusers.

He is one.

Cheating is a form of abuse. Subjecting your partner (and often parent if your child) to pain, distress, stress, trauma, upset, instability etc. Risking their health with stds when they thought they were in a sexually exclusive relationship etc.

Threatening suicide when caught/confessing to wronging your partner - to make them stay with you - is abuse.

He's not a suitable person to have therapy with.

They need to get separate therapy and he needs to fuck off and do whatever he's inclined to with other men and women since that's clearly he he's wired, instead of continuing to.ruin an innocent person's life.