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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH seems happy to see me suffer

94 replies

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 10:57

Needing some advice please. My DH has been in the same job role for 12.5 years. Works in a good team and enjoys his role. I have changed jobs several times since having DC to fit in with childcare albeit on a part time basis. Some have been OK, some not so great. I went back to FT work at the beginning of the year and I'm being bullied (not being addressed by hierarchy), constanf belittling and an awful job in the local authority.

Should be fairly easy to find something else in the local authority but may take a few months. I'm desperate to leave this job that is damaging my mental and physical health, ruining my sleep and my confidence.

My DH does not want me to leave without having a permanent job to go to because of finances (we can manage on his salary just about, will be tight but it'll be OK for a short while). He understands how bad it is having seen me in floods of tears many evenings. He just seems happy in his own little bubble yet happy to see me suffer. Any advice please from a menopausal mum of 3!!

OP posts:
Freshfoods · 27/05/2023 11:01

It's not your DH who is doing this awful job, it's you. You don't need his permission to look for something else. Just do it. If you have to manage on less money, then so be it. There's no point in working if it's affecting your health.

Lidlpopdrinker · 27/05/2023 11:05

I understand where you’re coming from, but he couldn’t just quit his job without another job to go to.

have you already started applying for other jobs?

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:06

@Freshfoods thanks. It's not about looking for something else, sorry I should have made that clear. I am looking, very actively looking but I also know in my organisation there's a lot of 'not so great' work environments and it may take a while to find something and make sure the next one is (hopefully) a lot better. DH seems happy to let me suffer until I found another permanent job.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/05/2023 11:09

So you want to leave before you find something else and he take the financial reigns until you find another one? How did you manage before starting this job?

YukoandHiro · 27/05/2023 11:09

My DH quit a job without one to go to for similar reasons. I supported him but ultimately it made me feel like he cared only about his immediate needs and not me our DD. Luckily the situation resolved itself, but it may not have done.
He is right to advise you to wait until you have a job to go to. Please focus all your energy on this. Just walking out feels to the other partner like you're walking out on your shared commitment to a life together too - even though I know you don't mean it like that.
Sorry if that's hard to hear, but that's how it feels on the other side, even if you're DH can't express it like that.

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:11

I agree @Lidlpopdrinker and I would ultimately prefer not to leave a substantive role without another to go to but how long does one keep suffering before you find another suitable role? I am guessing I need to effectively manage the stress and bullying till I do find something whilst DH sits in his happy little place and I suffer just to pay my small amount towards the bills. Seems very petty but its the reality of the situation.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 27/05/2023 11:12

If he hasn't been in a toxic workplace then he might not be able to relate to it. He might genuinely think you can tolerate it.

However he may also have a point in regard to finances. COL is affecting everyone so losing a salary at this time maybe weighing on him and I guess he doesn't have a choice to reduce his hours.

Can you take some holidays and use that to get some relief and keep applying for jobs?

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:12

@gamerchick I worked PT and we managed

OP posts:
midlifecrash · 27/05/2023 11:13

Could you quit and get work via an agency for a bit? It’s a really good way to suss out working environments

FedUpWithTheNHS · 27/05/2023 11:14

I suspect a lot if people in your situation end up off sick whilst looking for a new job.

Which will happen anyway if you carry on fir too long in that organisation.

FloydPepper · 27/05/2023 11:14

I think you need to step back a bit and understand that his concerns are valid. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong but I don’t think you framing it as him being happy to see you suffer is fair at all.

there may come a point when leaving before finding a new role is right. It’s also correct that you can’t unilaterally make that decision to put all the financial burden on him (for a period of time)

with respect, the “he’s happy seeing me suffer” is a quite childish response to a valid concern

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 11:15

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:11

I agree @Lidlpopdrinker and I would ultimately prefer not to leave a substantive role without another to go to but how long does one keep suffering before you find another suitable role? I am guessing I need to effectively manage the stress and bullying till I do find something whilst DH sits in his happy little place and I suffer just to pay my small amount towards the bills. Seems very petty but its the reality of the situation.

It must be more than a little if it will be tight without your wage and you can only do it for a short while.

from what I understand you actually haven’t even applied for other roles yet? I think as this has been going on a while and you haven’t I also would be reticent for you to just quit.

PinkFootstool · 27/05/2023 11:15

If you are looking for jobs in the LA you work in and leave, you'll be an external candidate and have fewer jobs you can apply for amongst other things - break in pension, new probation period etc. There are often significant advantages in being an internal candidate.

Can anything be done about your current work environment? Make a formal complaint about the bullying for example. If you're not a member of a union, become one and get them to support you (join before you complain!). Ask for a 1:1 with your manager to approach this specific issue with them. Look at whether going off sick is an option right now. Ask for an Occ Health referral.

Quitting is an option, but there are consequences all round including for your DH as the sole income.

I was in a similar boat a few years ago and stuck it out to maintain the continuity of my pension and it's paid off. I think you'd be mad to walk without another job to go to, as you'll also possibly not be entitled to benefits for 3 months if you quit.

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 11:16

FloydPepper · 27/05/2023 11:14

I think you need to step back a bit and understand that his concerns are valid. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong but I don’t think you framing it as him being happy to see you suffer is fair at all.

there may come a point when leaving before finding a new role is right. It’s also correct that you can’t unilaterally make that decision to put all the financial burden on him (for a period of time)

with respect, the “he’s happy seeing me suffer” is a quite childish response to a valid concern

100 percent, it’s very unfair and immature

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:16

Thanks all. All energy is going towards looking for another role. I do forsee it being difficult to get time off for interviews but I will cross that bridge when it happens. Difficulty is when you're being bullied, belittled and working in an awful job each day it diminishes your confidence which I really do need for any forthcoming interviews!

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 27/05/2023 11:16

whilst DH sits in his happy little place and I suffer just to pay my small amount towards the bills

I think you are not showing some empathy for his feelings. However I do get it as had a toxic workplace once and until you experience it, it's hard to believe.
Try not to become resentful of your dh. His feelings or concerns are valid and so are yours so you just need to find a compromise such as a timeframe for finding whilst (or giving up) whilst also agree to work on strategies to cope with the work environment.

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 11:17

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:16

Thanks all. All energy is going towards looking for another role. I do forsee it being difficult to get time off for interviews but I will cross that bridge when it happens. Difficulty is when you're being bullied, belittled and working in an awful job each day it diminishes your confidence which I really do need for any forthcoming interviews!

Then raise a grievance, how can all your energy be going on looking, if you’ve not applied, looking isn’t that hard

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:17

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:11

I agree @Lidlpopdrinker and I would ultimately prefer not to leave a substantive role without another to go to but how long does one keep suffering before you find another suitable role? I am guessing I need to effectively manage the stress and bullying till I do find something whilst DH sits in his happy little place and I suffer just to pay my small amount towards the bills. Seems very petty but its the reality of the situation.

Can you sign up to a temp agency? that at least will get you work and money coming in while you recover from the bullying and start a job hunt; and a lot of temp jobs lead to permanent work. The advantage of that is that you have already been doing the job and know if it's what you want.

FloydPepper · 27/05/2023 11:17

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:11

I agree @Lidlpopdrinker and I would ultimately prefer not to leave a substantive role without another to go to but how long does one keep suffering before you find another suitable role? I am guessing I need to effectively manage the stress and bullying till I do find something whilst DH sits in his happy little place and I suffer just to pay my small amount towards the bills. Seems very petty but its the reality of the situation.

this seems quite petulant if I’m honest

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/05/2023 11:17

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:06

@Freshfoods thanks. It's not about looking for something else, sorry I should have made that clear. I am looking, very actively looking but I also know in my organisation there's a lot of 'not so great' work environments and it may take a while to find something and make sure the next one is (hopefully) a lot better. DH seems happy to let me suffer until I found another permanent job.

Walking out with no job to go to may sound incredibly appealing, I understand the desire completely, but is absolutely a shitty thing to do to your spouse.

You don't have to find another job in the LA - that's an artificial restriction you're placing upon it - you just have to get another job.

There are well established anti-bullying a grievance procedures in local government. You could use those if you haven't already. You could be signed off sick for a period whilst still being employed and following a grievance process - being supported to find alternative employment within the LA is something that could be agreed upon to resolve the issue, for example (assuming you haven't joined a union or you wouldn't be talking about walking out with no income).

baileys6904 · 27/05/2023 11:17

There's a difference between managing and thriving. There's also a lot of uncertainty around at the moment ref financial futures and interest rates etc. I'm guessing the 3 children don't need childcare anymore?

However if the situation is so bad, why are you only looking within the local authority for a new opportunity. I appreciate there Re perks to continuous service and local gov employment but is this worth sacrificing for your well being? There's lots of retail or hospitality roles going throughout the country which, while they may not pay great, may equate to your previous part time role and mean you can leave quickly and keep looking for your next step at leisure?

TidyDancer · 27/05/2023 11:18

I've walked out on a job without another one to go to because of stress and bullying so I sympathise in that respect.

But you sound like you're actually resentful that your DH is happy in his job.

It's also not unreasonable for him to not want you to quit with nothing else to go to. It puts pressure on him and on you as well - it's no secret that it's easier to get a new job if you're already in one.

There's nothing about this situation that's ideal for anyone. The only thing you can do is throw yourself head first into job hunting in every spare second you have.

Haywirecity · 27/05/2023 11:19

Doesn't everyone have to have a new job lined up before they leave the old one? It's just commonsense. If you can't find a new position while you're employed by the LA, how are you going to find one when you've left? They might decide not to re-employ you because you already quit on them once.

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:22

Thanks all. Totally agree with the replies if honest. DH is not happy for me to do agency/FTC work of any sort until I find something else. It is taking a while (been actively looking for 6 weeks) because I guess I am being over cautious about what I enter into next. DC are teenagers/grown up. Youngest is 14 so I still like to he around for her.

OP posts:
Quveas · 27/05/2023 11:29

So you "managed" on one income in the past, before a cost of living and energy bills crisis?

Sorry but I actually agree that you are being selfish and petulent. He isn't happy to see you suffer. There is bugger all he can do about your situation, but there's a lot you can do about it. You're being bullied? Try submitting a grievance. You can't expect the "hierarchy" to be mond readers and do something about it if you won't. If you'd rather be unemployed than fight back, then that is simply foolish. If you can manage to ignore the situation that's one thing - but since you can't, then choosing quitting over trying to do something about it simply doesn't make sense. What's the worst that can happen - thye let you go? But you are talking about quitting, so that's not a threat is it?

He might have a steady job with nice people that he's been in a number of years. He also might not want to have to worry about what happens if that job was redundant, or if he was sick, or any of the other scenarios in which being the sole wage earner is stressful. He might be worried about "just about coping" with the bills and what happens if you suddenly aren't coping.

Get your big girls pants on and submit a grievance. You have nothing to lose by fighting back.