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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH seems happy to see me suffer

94 replies

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 10:57

Needing some advice please. My DH has been in the same job role for 12.5 years. Works in a good team and enjoys his role. I have changed jobs several times since having DC to fit in with childcare albeit on a part time basis. Some have been OK, some not so great. I went back to FT work at the beginning of the year and I'm being bullied (not being addressed by hierarchy), constanf belittling and an awful job in the local authority.

Should be fairly easy to find something else in the local authority but may take a few months. I'm desperate to leave this job that is damaging my mental and physical health, ruining my sleep and my confidence.

My DH does not want me to leave without having a permanent job to go to because of finances (we can manage on his salary just about, will be tight but it'll be OK for a short while). He understands how bad it is having seen me in floods of tears many evenings. He just seems happy in his own little bubble yet happy to see me suffer. Any advice please from a menopausal mum of 3!!

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:56

Agency work is not some magical guarantee of 37hrs in wonderful workplaces. It's no guarantee of work at all and frequently the places are horrendous with vacancies being covered because they are having problems recruiting or with funding

Yes, I know, I temped for years. OTOH, it's money coming in. And temping isn't necessarily the same as zero hours. If she went this route OP would have to be proactive about chasing her agency for work, though.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:57

And OP doesn't sound like she's in a 'wonderful workplace' right now, either.

holliebo · 27/05/2023 13:10

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:06

@Freshfoods thanks. It's not about looking for something else, sorry I should have made that clear. I am looking, very actively looking but I also know in my organisation there's a lot of 'not so great' work environments and it may take a while to find something and make sure the next one is (hopefully) a lot better. DH seems happy to let me suffer until I found another permanent job.

When you say your DP is happy to see you suffer, what you really mean is that he's not happy to fully support you financially while you volunteer to make yourself unemployed.

I think he's quite right.

Reverse the roles and imagine if a woman on here said their bf wanted to quit work and live off them til they found something else

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/05/2023 13:18

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:09

He clearly doesn't want to be the sole earner and that's understandable

Which makes his stance against agency work a bit odd. OK it's not permanent, it doesn't have a fancy schmancy title attached to it and you can end up doing the stuff no-one else wants to do (ask me how I know THAT 🤔) but it's work and it's money coming in to the household.

Not really. Agency work can be so hit and Miss so you there's not guaranteed to be the same amount in each month.

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 13:20

@holliebo I completely understand about the role reversal but I feel that if you were aware of the person I am (which clearly you dont) you would know making a decision to quit a role based upon the fact my mental health and wellbeing is suffering is not something I take lightly. Agree how it can look though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 13:23

@FedUpWithTheNHS . Absolutely. The bully is supported by my boss but because I am sensitive (albeit not overly) I take this kind of behaviour towards me to heart. Maybe it's just me, maybe I need to grow a double layer of skin before I get to escape. Awful and I wouldn't wish this environment on my worst enemy!

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 13:24

Agency work can be so hit and Miss so you there's not guaranteed to be the same amount in each month

Yes, I know. I temped for years. OTOH, she could tell the agency she doesn't want short term work and see what they can do. Never know till she tries, will she?

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 13:25

@BurstOfLight thank you,I very much appreciate your words and empathy. It's tough isn't it and I'm sorry you experienced it too Being new in a role we are at our weakest and this individual saw it as an opportunity, just disgraceful really.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 27/05/2023 13:29

holliebo · 27/05/2023 13:10

When you say your DP is happy to see you suffer, what you really mean is that he's not happy to fully support you financially while you volunteer to make yourself unemployed.

I think he's quite right.

Reverse the roles and imagine if a woman on here said their bf wanted to quit work and live off them til they found something else

Show quote history

This, this and this.

Jk987 · 27/05/2023 13:33

Leave and go to another organisation. It's a candidates market at the moment so the chances are you'll find something and start at the end of your notice period. No need for a cut in income and no permission needed from him.

Bluetrews25 · 27/05/2023 13:35

It's really awful being bullied at work. Been there, escaped it as fast as I could.
Raising a grievance will likely result in more bullying, and HR will not do anything IME.
Sad as it is, you just need to go.
Lucky DH being happy at work.
Hope your turn to feel like that comes very soon.
Good luck with those applications.

heartbroken40 · 27/05/2023 14:14

I'm in the camp of "suck it up, and look for another job" rather than leave right now. Your DH is right, inflation is real and the cost of everything is mad. So please be considerate and be a partner in your marriage. Gosh you're so selfish, were I your DH I would have split sorry

FedUpWithTheNHS · 27/05/2023 14:26

heartbroken40 · 27/05/2023 14:14

I'm in the camp of "suck it up, and look for another job" rather than leave right now. Your DH is right, inflation is real and the cost of everything is mad. So please be considerate and be a partner in your marriage. Gosh you're so selfish, were I your DH I would have split sorry

You’d have split up because your partner is been badly bullied? And it’s affecting them so much they come back most days in tears?

Heartless and uncaring.

Seems that very few people believe in the ‘health and sickness’ and ‘richness and poverty’ part of their vows
Did you tell your dh about it before he committed?

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 15:35

Op, answer honestly have you ever had this problem before and how keen were you to work full time?

I see that you only started about 3 or 4 months ago there, so this is a very new job, and it’s your first full time role in a long time and you change job a lot. Why have you had to change so much ?

you say you’re over sensitive so can you explain the bullying, some examples.

unless there is a drip feed coming, you don’t seem to be doing anything about it, other than wanting to quit and blaming your husband for not letting you. You don’t seem to have raised a grievance, applied for other jobs, nothing, What have you done about it?

SpringGreensPreens · 27/05/2023 17:26

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:22

Thanks all. Totally agree with the replies if honest. DH is not happy for me to do agency/FTC work of any sort until I find something else. It is taking a while (been actively looking for 6 weeks) because I guess I am being over cautious about what I enter into next. DC are teenagers/grown up. Youngest is 14 so I still like to he around for her.

You don’t actually need his permission to quit and do agency / get a temporary job. If you’re confident you can get a stop gap job just do it 💐

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 17:40

SpringGreensPreens · 27/05/2023 17:26

You don’t actually need his permission to quit and do agency / get a temporary job. If you’re confident you can get a stop gap job just do it 💐

Show quote history

She does however need his agreement to financially support her if she can’t.

londonmummy1966 · 27/05/2023 18:19

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 11:45

Your husband's attitude really pisses me off. You have given up your career to bring up the children allowing him to find himself an nice job that he can do quite easily without any pressure. Now you are trying to find the same thing and he is blocking you. You are being bullied and he has no sympathy. He is awful. If I were you, I would hand in my notice and try to get a temporary work.

I think that this may be the crux of the resentment. Before you had DC did you have a FT job you enjoyed/a nice working environment. Are you now resentful not just about the horrible working environment that you are in but also that you lost a better one and he has managed to stay in a nice environment whilst you have picked up the pieces at home by working PT? Did you have a nice PT job that you gave up to take this FT one? Was he the main driver for your going FT? HAve you taken a massive step backwards careerwise whilst he has made progress and is this now coming home to you? Has he picked up the slack around the house/with the children now you have fewer hours as you're FT not PT and if not why not. I think that you need to analyse all of this to explore what underlies your current resentment.

However, if you know that you can get steady agency work and make a meaningful and uninterrupted contribution to the household bills then it is not your DH's place to tell you you can't go freelance. If he is difficult about this then you could point out the benefits he has enjoyed having you at home working PT and sacrificing your career - now its time for you to have the career you want.

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 18:21

@Bluetrews25 agree. Nothing ever IMO gets done about bullying and you're right, other than more bullying. Seems perfectly acceptable it seems.

Just wow..@Backtothegym I hope you're never in the same situation. I would never want a partner of mine to come home in tears because of a toxic, bullying workplace and have to see them suffer. Just ridiculous. You do realise health and wellbeing comes before money. I have a heart and lung chronic condition that is managed and never results in sickness or problems but any major, chronic stress could result in me not being able to work so DH wouldn't have ANY money coming in then apart from 3 months sick pay...and that's OK is it? For DH and DC to have a sick mum who can't work because they tolerated a bullying workplace just to bring money each month. Ridiculous and very uncaring words.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 18:24

@londonmummy1966 pretty much accurate there.

OP posts:
OutsideLookingOut · 27/05/2023 18:26

I always thought having a partner should be a help but I have so much more freedom as a single person to put my health first. It isn’t ideal to quit before you have another job lined up OP but if you are at the point of a nervous breakdown you should IMO. I’d hate to have to defer someone who didn’t have my best interests at heart.

londonmummy1966 · 27/05/2023 18:29

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 18:24

@londonmummy1966 pretty much accurate there.

In which case I think that you need to do a bit of unpicking - start with the housework - he doen't get to skip out of his fair share and at least you'll be dropping one bit of resentment. Then have a serious discussion when you're not feeling too emotional about the sort of work you really want to do and how you plan to go about it. It might mean having to go and do some qualifications if what you want is to plan how you get back onto the career track you lost. If that's so spell out calmly what you've lost and point out that having put your career on the back seat to take on the domestic workload whilst he didn't have to, it is now your turn to be supported in your career. You did that for him by taking on the domestic and mental load and now he has to do it for you and it might mean that there is an element of financial sacrifice whilst you do it.

Work out what it is that you really resent and that will probably point to what you really want. Make a plan on how to get there and then spell that you and explain why it is fair that this is now "your time" to be supported by the whole family in achieving your goals.

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 18:31

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 18:21

@Bluetrews25 agree. Nothing ever IMO gets done about bullying and you're right, other than more bullying. Seems perfectly acceptable it seems.

Just wow..@Backtothegym I hope you're never in the same situation. I would never want a partner of mine to come home in tears because of a toxic, bullying workplace and have to see them suffer. Just ridiculous. You do realise health and wellbeing comes before money. I have a heart and lung chronic condition that is managed and never results in sickness or problems but any major, chronic stress could result in me not being able to work so DH wouldn't have ANY money coming in then apart from 3 months sick pay...and that's OK is it? For DH and DC to have a sick mum who can't work because they tolerated a bullying workplace just to bring money each month. Ridiculous and very uncaring words.

Sorry @Backtothegym the reference to this post was for @heartbroken40 . Wrong person.

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 27/05/2023 18:41

If you are in a union take advice from them on how to deal with the bullying, if you're not in a union, then join. I don't know what sort of work you do, but I found that people who had transferable skills in local government could always find work in a local authority. Think about what you can do, could you apply for jobs that will assist with training? I know that it is hard at present and that there are not as many vacancies, but try to think laterally. I know lots of people who have done very well by just having the cheek to apply!
I don't know if you have pension provision, but please think about your future, women often suffer in retirement because they are out of the workplace so long or only work part time.

aloris · 27/05/2023 19:02

"spell out calmly what you've lost and point out that having put your career on the back seat to take on the domestic workload whilst he didn't have to, it is now your turn to be supported in your career. You did that for him by taking on the domestic and mental load and now he has to do it for you and it might mean that there is an element of financial sacrifice whilst you do it.

Work out what it is that you really resent and that will probably point to what you really want. Make a plan on how to get there and then spell that you and explain why it is fair that this is now "your time" to be supported by the whole family in achieving your goals."

This

Original poster
Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 19:13

@loislovesstewie .Thanks. I have transferable skills and experience so at my grade I could find something else (in the hope it isn't as awful as this one). I am a member of Unite so will seek some informal advice from them. I have a work and private pension and contribute to them both as well as my own savings so in theory should be OK.

OP posts: