DH seems happy to see me suffer

[Lisaaas1]

Needing some advice please. My DH has been in the same job role for 12.5 years. Works in a good team and enjoys his role. I have changed jobs several times since having DC to fit in with childcare albeit on a part time basis. Some have been OK, some not so great. I went back to FT work at the beginning of the year and I'm being bullied (not being addressed by hierarchy), constanf belittling and an awful job in the local authority.

Should be fairly easy to find something else in the local authority but may take a few months. I'm desperate to leave this job that is damaging my mental and physical health, ruining my sleep and my confidence.

My DH does not want me to leave without having a permanent job to go to because of finances (we can manage on his salary just about, will be tight but it'll be OK for a short while). He understands how bad it is having seen me in floods of tears many evenings. He just seems happy in his own little bubble yet happy to see me suffer. Any advice please from a menopausal mum of 3!!

To be honest I can see both points. An unpleasant work environment is difficult. You should get the benefit of the doubt if this is the 1st time. However this isn't your DHs fault. It's very unfair If your coming home angry and taking it out on him. He'll get resentful and rightly so. Maybe work out what you need to earn with your DH and try to get a different job based on that?

DP walked out of the toxic job. This meant that he didn't have sick pay. He didn't arrange a settlement agreement. No gardening leave. No entitlement to unemployment benefits. No agreed reference.

This then meant that he couldn't get agency work as he didn't have current work experience or a factual reference. And then meant he couldn't get permanent work because he couldn't fulfil the pre employment checks larger employers required (eg, two work references) or a decent reason for leaving.

It was years before he managed to get a part time job on the basis of my employer doing me a favour and giving him some work experience in return for a reference. And then he had two references and got a second job, one that was ZHC and vanished during Covid. The other ended almost as soon as lockdowns ended, as the business was on its last legs. In the last week of his notice period, he got an interview and a fulltime job offer.

His couple of months off had turned into five years. By the end of it, we didn't had nothing, we had less than nothing, as my overdraft was more than I earned in a month. I was right at the point of alternating between knocking the rent and the utilities each month and still not having enough to buy food and medication - even the pre payment certificate was an expense I couldn't reach, which meant I got seriously ill and nearly lost my own job.

The shit job was the original issue - but his reaction to it was what crucified me financially and emotionally and we've only just climbed out of eleven years later.

Why are people so harsh on here? The op sounds like she’s at the end of her tether and you lot stick the boot in. I would be rude about my dh if I was miserable but he wouldn’t allow me to remedy my own difficult situation.

Op, make a plan, a deadline to leave this awful workplace and whatever solution you have in mind - temping, casual work, retraining, whatever - and tell him this is what you will do. Nothing is more important than your mental wellbeing. Good luck.

I think you've transferred your anger at your work situation to your husband which is understandable but unfair .

I wouldn't want my husband to simply walk from a job without one to go to in this climate . I would support him taking a pay cut role for a while etc but absolutely couldn't support him just walking when it would leave us very vulnerable .

I once had a really difficult job that made me so unhappy and my husband frequently saw me upset.

One day I came home in tears and I just broke down and told him that I couldn’t bear the thought of going back.

He put his arms around me and told me to just hand my notice in. I told him that I couldn’t do that as then I wouldn’t be bringing in any money and there was no guarantee when I would get another job. He said it didn’t matter, that he would shoulder the financial stresses because my happiness and mental health was more important.

I understand why you feel the way you do. My husband hated seeing me suffering and so stepped, just as I would do for him in similar circumstances.

It took me about 6 months to start another job (which I loved) and he never made
me feel guilty for having to cover all of our expenses during that time.

I’m sure that makes the op feel much better, 🙄

@Backtothegym and I think this is what I would expect from any partner/spouse. Nobody asks or deserves to be in a role where they are victim of such toxicity and bullying. It makes no difference if it's the first time I've experienced it or the 5000 time (luckily this is my first job I've experienced bullying, had plenty of not so great jobs but stuck them out for longer than necessary because I am generally pretty tolerant and want to provide etc but bullying is a different matter in my eyes. Nevertheless I don't recall saying I wanted to walk out of this job if I did then I didn't make it clear. I just want DH to support my decision to leave. Not too difficult I would have thought.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I'm very sorry. This sounds like a really difficult situation for you to have to cope with based on what reads as though your partner made a snap decision to leave his job (apologies if I'm wrong). due to the toxicity of it. I guess, the key is to either not let it get to that stage where you're left with no choice or you go on sick leave. Really pleased you're in a better situation as that must have been really tough on you all as a family.

And he does, just when you’ve another job to go to. Which many of us think is fair.

In the meantime, you’ve literally been there a very short time. You’re doing nothing about the bullying, unless as said a drip feed. so why won’t you deal with it.

on Tuesday, raise a grievance, or book a meeting in to discuss, and then also actually apply for jobs. Submit applications.

You'd dump your partner whose mental health is taking a massive hit because they're being bullied at work and asked if they could leave whilst they find a new job?

Definitely says more about you than OP. I hope in rl you have more empathy towards your partners MH

I said it to show her that what she expects from her partner is what she should be getting and that she’s not being unreasonable for wanting that support. I think every couple should support each other in these situations and if the OP’s family can financially manage on just her partner’s salary then absolutely he should step up and not watch her suffer.

Yes I’d expect the same. I’m continually surprised and not in a good way what people will put up with just to be in a relationship

@MyTruthIsOut and I would have expected the same too hence my post. This isn't a post about a mother and wife who wants to live off her husbands earnings. This is from a mum who has worked hard all her life. Made sacrifices to have DC. Has savings (not much!), own pension pot and has happily taken any kind of job to contribute during all of her DC life to date. I am now in a toxic, bullying workplace and want out. If I'm wrong then clearly I'm doing something wrong!

I do think he’s being unfair and if in similar circumstances it would make me question our relationship. If either DH or myself were in similar position then we wouldn’t want the other to stay on being so unhappy, seems particularly harsh if just means a few months of belt tightening rather than having to look at downsizing etc. It seems particularly unfair given the sacrifices you have make which mean you’re probably not in the job you would have been otherwise. We’ve found being supportive to each other has meant in the long term we’ve ended up not only much happier but actually financially better off than it we’d actually stuck it out in the jobs we didn’t enjoy.

I do think he’s being unfair and if in similar circumstances it would make me question our relationship

I disagree. If the op was actively trying for jobs, was not 3 or 4 months into her first full time role in a long time, and was proactively raising a grievance and dealing with it, I’d fully support.

not applying for jobs, not doing anything about it. Nope I’d not support to quit. No way. I’d want it to be a joint responsibility. She needs to take responsibility too.

Think the OP has made it clear she’s not planning to quit work forever, just may take hers few months to find another role. It’s seems sad her partner seems happier to let her be miserable for the sake of extra money/her ‘pulling her weight’. Surely they’ll often be times in a marriage when one is earning/doing more but the important thing is then caring about each other’s happiness

I totally agree with this. Don't stay in a job you hate , Apply for anything to tide you over but just wanting to quit work for a couple of months to find the 'perfect role' strikes me as lazy honestly .
You're not wealthy enough to do that.

@Crazycrazylady , I'm not sure I said I wanted to quit my job and laze around until the perfect job comes up.Absolutely ridiculous to assume. Lots of people making some silly assumptions here. I'm going to leave it here but thanks for all those who have been supportive.

Absolutely, but it means she needs to care for his happiness too. It’s not a one way street, and you don’t seem to feel his unhappiness at being the sole bread winner is relevant.

so again if she was doing something about it, raising a grievance or actually applying for jobs, then she’s at least trying, but she’s not,

I feel it’s quite astonishing because so many folks think caring for each others happiness only means supporting your wife whatever.