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Original poster

DH seems happy to see me suffer

94 replies

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 10:57

Needing some advice please. My DH has been in the same job role for 12.5 years. Works in a good team and enjoys his role. I have changed jobs several times since having DC to fit in with childcare albeit on a part time basis. Some have been OK, some not so great. I went back to FT work at the beginning of the year and I'm being bullied (not being addressed by hierarchy), constanf belittling and an awful job in the local authority.

Should be fairly easy to find something else in the local authority but may take a few months. I'm desperate to leave this job that is damaging my mental and physical health, ruining my sleep and my confidence.

My DH does not want me to leave without having a permanent job to go to because of finances (we can manage on his salary just about, will be tight but it'll be OK for a short while). He understands how bad it is having seen me in floods of tears many evenings. He just seems happy in his own little bubble yet happy to see me suffer. Any advice please from a menopausal mum of 3!!

OP posts:

FloydPepper · 27/05/2023 11:29

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:22

Thanks all. Totally agree with the replies if honest. DH is not happy for me to do agency/FTC work of any sort until I find something else. It is taking a while (been actively looking for 6 weeks) because I guess I am being over cautious about what I enter into next. DC are teenagers/grown up. Youngest is 14 so I still like to he around for her.

I think you’d be reasonable to do temp work to cover the gap if you’re that desperate to leave and confident you could get it. I know it’s tough in a toxic workplace.

I think most posters are sympathetic to that, I am, but also pragmatic.

I hope you get out soon, and move to something bigger and better 😀

baileys6904 · 27/05/2023 11:33

Most local authorities are reducing massively the use of agencies due to trying to cut budgets to make up for energy rises etc. FTC can last years so not sure why the reluctance to look at that, and if you're permanent anyway, and go FTC in the same LA, you have the same employment protection as you currently have anyway...🤷‍♀️

OttoGraph · 27/05/2023 11:38

Hand in your notice and get casual work until you find something more permanent.

There are plenty of hospitality jobs that you could slot into, and get hours to fit around the dc

Inkpotlover · 27/05/2023 11:39

Are you a teacher looking to resign by the 31st cut off date?

continentallentil · 27/05/2023 11:40

I can see it from both your perspectives

But in the end he can’t quit his job can he? Not working FT when your kids were little doesn’t make you earning money less important than him earning money now they are older.

He might’ve concerned that if you quit this you will become a quitter, become someone who never really accepts that having an FT job is their responsibility once their kids are older (I can think of a good few women like this, and it creates a lot of problems.). If your youngest kid is 14 he has had a long run holding most of the financial reigns and he’ll be worried if he doesn’t push back now it will be permanent. If you are being very cautious about where you go next that will add to his concerns.

I would use this as an opportunity to build some resistance and also go see HR and complain if you need to. Don’t a pushover and don’t be exaggeratedly cautious about your next job.

If your husband needs to step up at home tell him that. He can also be around for your 14 year old.

OttoGraph · 27/05/2023 11:40

DH is not happy for me to do agency/FTC work of any sort until I find something else.

Well he may not be happy about it but he is not your boss/head of the household. This is a relationship and you help each other out when times are difficult. You don't lay down unhelpful rules about what type of work can be sought

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 11:45

Your husband's attitude really pisses me off. You have given up your career to bring up the children allowing him to find himself an nice job that he can do quite easily without any pressure. Now you are trying to find the same thing and he is blocking you. You are being bullied and he has no sympathy. He is awful. If I were you, I would hand in my notice and try to get a temporary work.

FloweryName · 27/05/2023 11:48

Your DH not wanting to be fully responsible for your family’s finances is not the same as him being happy to see you suffer. That comes across as a very childish thing to say tbh.

If you are being choosy about your next job and it’s going to take you a while to find one you like, then your DH is doing the right thing for your family as a whole. If you were happy to do any other job and he could see that you were making all the effort possible to try and get one, then it might be different but you’re not.

randomfemthinker · 27/05/2023 11:48

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this at work and personally, I'm with you on this one and think your health and confidence should come first. I would expect more support from my partner. As you said, it's do able to manage on his wage for a while and whilst it might mean cutting down on other things for a while, I think this is worth it to keep your sanity and confidence. It also I guess depends on how frugal you live to begin with, also. I just would rather have better health and less money.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:52

DH is not happy for me to do agency/FTC work of any sort until I find something else

Why not? that seems an odd stance when you're being bullied and you're actively unhappy and want to leave your job because of it. What has he got against temp work? and why does he think you need his permission to do it?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/05/2023 11:55

If you’re that stressed you’re in tears can you not get signed off sick for a while whilst you look for alternative work so that you still have some income coming in?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:55

If it's finances I can tell you that if you're good at your job you'll get paid the same (or a bit less) as you would in a permanent job. I'm not working ATM but agencies I've used in the past are sending me roles at rates that are the same salary as I had at exjob. OK, you don't get pension (although agency would probably enrol you in NEST) and you don't have job security, but you'd be out of an atmosphere that is making you unhappy

drpet49 · 27/05/2023 11:56

TidyDancer · 27/05/2023 11:18

I've walked out on a job without another one to go to because of stress and bullying so I sympathise in that respect.

But you sound like you're actually resentful that your DH is happy in his job.

It's also not unreasonable for him to not want you to quit with nothing else to go to. It puts pressure on him and on you as well - it's no secret that it's easier to get a new job if you're already in one.

There's nothing about this situation that's ideal for anyone. The only thing you can do is throw yourself head first into job hunting in every spare second you have.

This. You sound quite childish.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/05/2023 12:00

TidyDancer · 27/05/2023 11:18

I've walked out on a job without another one to go to because of stress and bullying so I sympathise in that respect.

But you sound like you're actually resentful that your DH is happy in his job.

There's nothing about this situation that's ideal for anyone. The only thing you can do is throw yourself head first into job hunting in every spare second you have.

I agree, OP it's not his fault you're unhappy in your job and he is unhappy. You sound very immature. He clearly doesn't want to be the sole earner and that's understandable. You need to spend as much time as you can job hunting.

Georgyporky · 27/05/2023 12:00

Take out a Grievance Procedure via HR, with your Trade Union rep (if you have one).

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 12:03

I agree deal with the issue, raise a grievance, sign off with stress, start actually applying for jobs,and take responsibility to resolve this, and stop attacking and blaming your husband. You are an adult. He is not your parent, financially you need to work . It is not his fault you have a problem at work, and you need to deal with that problem.

VDisappointing · 27/05/2023 12:06

I sympathize with you but in reality it is easier to get a job if you are in one. If you are unemployed and looking for work you have to explain why you left without a job to go to. If its another council job they might question if you are suitable for the council. They might ask your previous employer since you are not there to put your point of view and they may give unfair feedback about you.

I know you said your hubby was happy - but if he wasn't would you be OK about him quitting without a job to go to? Would you not be worried about finances with all these increasing costs?

Having been through the menopause myself.....its interesting you have pointed out you are menopausal and I am wondering why you have done this. Are you feeling more emotional at the moment do you think because of your hormones?

Also - if this job has damaged your confidence I think you should use them to get it back since you don't see a future there. Speak to HR and get more support - discuss with your husband or a trusted friend how you can come across with authority at work and handle these bullies. I know it might sound contrite but this is done for children who are being bullied at school - and when a child manages to improve their situation with their bully....their confidence in themselves just improves 10 fold. Unfort, people are bullied for a reason - the bully sees them as a weak target for some reason. Use this bad job to develop your confidence - you have nothing to lose since you don't want to be there.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:09

He clearly doesn't want to be the sole earner and that's understandable

Which makes his stance against agency work a bit odd. OK it's not permanent, it doesn't have a fancy schmancy title attached to it and you can end up doing the stuff no-one else wants to do (ask me how I know THAT 🤔) but it's work and it's money coming in to the household.

JudgeRudy · 27/05/2023 12:15

I'm on the fence with this one. Sounds like you're waiting for the perfect job to come in and that might take some time. If you really can't bear it why not take an 'imperfect' job till something better turns up. Go and work in a warehouse for 3 months with an agency.
Another option would be to ask to reduce your hours till you leave.
I don't necessarily think you should have to stay if its really making you that miserable but I don't think your husband wants to see you suffer at all. He's just saying, OK, Jack your job in but do something else. You've either got to aim to be more resilient or more flexible.

UndercoverCop · 27/05/2023 12:25

If you really need out that desperately go and get any job , bar/waitressing vacancies are huge at the moment, it's also evening and weekend work which should fit around children between the two of you. That'll do while you look for something longer term.
I've been the main and at times sole earner , I don't think you're reflecting on his position either. It's a big burden to carry and he doesn't have the option to just quit without anything else to go to.
You work for the LA , go to HR, refer yourself to OH or put it in writing that you need your manager to, or take a formal grievance. You have options other than to quit without other work and put all that pressure on him again

PinkFootstool · 27/05/2023 12:29

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:09

He clearly doesn't want to be the sole earner and that's understandable

Agency work is not some magical guarantee of 37hrs in wonderful workplaces. It's no guarantee of work at all and frequently the places are horrendous with vacancies being covered because they are having problems recruiting or with funding.

I'd be unhappy at a guaranteed income disappearing when OP hasn't apparently addressed the issues in her workplace to their conclusion. She has several options she can implement. None of this is her DHs fault for liking what he does for a living.

Pinkbonbon · 27/05/2023 12:31

Do you have stuff you could sell that you don't use anymore? That might top up your savings a bit so you can leave early.

Old video games do really well on ebay for example.

BurstOfLight · 27/05/2023 12:31

I was bullied at work. I know it is traumatic and I am still not over it. However, bullies are not gods. They’re pathetic losers. Try not to think of them as all powerful. You’re doing the right thing looking for another job but don’t let them have rent free space in your mind. I know that’s easier said than done.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/05/2023 12:36

Lisaaas1 · 27/05/2023 11:22

I think this puts a slightly different slant on it. I understand him not wanting to you to quit and have no money coming into the family while you look for another job, but he's 'not happy' for you to work via an agency? Personally, I don't think that's his decision to make. What would happen if you told him you WERE signing up fir agencies and handing your notice in at work?

FedUpWithTheNHS · 27/05/2023 12:48

I'd be unhappy at a guaranteed income disappearing when OP hasn't apparently addressed the issues in her workplace to their conclusion

Why do you assume that
1- the OP hasn’t tried (or is it not tried hard enough in your opinion?)
2- it’s actually possible for her to do anything about it Wo any idea of the situation at work? Fir all you know her boss is the one who is bullying. Or is supporting/best buds with the bullies.

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